Lack of desire in relationship?
First time here, so please be kind. so my issue is quite specific. I’ve been messed around on relationships a lot in the past, but have finally met this great guy. He’s smart, funny, respectful and just great in almost every way. He says I’m the only one he wants and that I’m ‘perfect’. And yet, I can’t seem to shake this feeling that I’m not what he desires and really wants.. This could be influenced a little by his past, he told me when he was drunk that he’s slept with 200+ women (many whilst travelling in Thailand) some of whom he said were crazy hot… he seems to revert back to talking about past encounters when he drinks, never asked for, and sometimes not in a big way, but might say something stupid he thinks I will find funny (I guess) about stupid ways he used to pull women.. now this alone I think probably wouldn’t bother me much. We have been together 6 months, and sex with me has just never been high on his agenda - doesn’t often initiate it, often doesn’t seem that interested. Yet is overall a very affectionate and attentive person. (If it helps for context I am 33, he is 39. I wouldn’t say I’m insecure per se, as am in good shape and do get interest generally, I just get this feeling maybe I’m not what he wants… thank you for reading
@indigoEast2917 You are right that some people are more interested in being intimate than others. Maybe he was talking about past encounters because, like you said, he thought it would be funny, or impress you somehow? But, if you are in an exclusive relationship, I can see how it would be bothersome that he brings up those past flings, especially if it is unasked or only when he is drunk.
One idea might be to talk with him about it when he is not drunk, but aware and calm. Maybe you would feel better about it, if he knows how those types of comments make you feel, and then maybe he would be less likely to bring it up in the future? Or maybe you could get more clarity on what he likes about you, and also tell him your favorite attributes about him?
Those are just my personal thoughts. I hope that, no matter what, you do believe that you are enough, and you are worthy of love and affection.
@purplelady568
He's a *** john who exploited women from third world countries. He couldn't be more of a walking red flag if he painted himself red head to toe. Dump him bruv.
@Doppelgaenger
Also, he didn't "pull" any women, he paid women from third world countries to have sex with him that they otherwise never would have (some likely underage). Check out sex tourism in Thailand.
The way you perceive him is not based in reality.
@Doppelgaenger Hi, maybe you meant to tag someone else in your post? Your comments dont match with my original response.
@purplelady568
Apologies, meant to tag the OP (dunno how to delete posts on here?).
Hi
I've been with my partner 2 and a half years. He is 52 and I'll be 41 next month. During the first year of our relationship, he used to make uncomfortable comments. Specially about his past relationships. I pointed it out to him and told him that talking about the past might not be a good idea. He has stopped bringing up the past and things are going better. You might want to consider talking to your partner about your feelings and asking him to clarify if you are what he wants. I am guilty of holding things in for too long and when I finally let go it doesn't go well because my brain has already added extra toppings to the situation. I really wish you all the best.
@indigoEast2917 this is how i imagine itll be if i ever get married seeing as i wasnt the guy women wanted to bang in my 20s
@indigoEast2917 I think I would feel the exact same way. Generally/theoretically speaking, and food for thought ONLY. Some people do have a disconnect or a seperation between their relationship they show to the world and have for emotional stability, VS another separate world that they have their sexual needs met. Sometimes it is because of their own shame, addiction, or a million other possible reasons. Only an experienced therapist in that topic can help work through that with that person IF and only IF they want to. Your feelings are VALID, trust yourself!
Thank you for your message. I’m still deciding how to move forward, I know that I need to, because otherwise this will wear me down. So I appreciate your input.
@indigoEast2917
If you don't mind me saying, but if I were you, I wouldn't pursue a lasting relationship with this guy. The odds are greatly against you that this could turn out to be a lasting healthy relationship. From a man's perspective, I think that a physical relationship with him will not be satisfying and fulfilling to you. Anyone who has been with that number of women (especially if they love to talk about it and bring it up) will have a hard time devoting himself to one woman for the rest of his life. I'm not saying it's impossible, but like I'm saying, the odds are really stacked up against the two of you.
Personally, I think you deserve better than that. Just my opinion anyway.... I hope the best for you! 😊
@indigoEast2917
My thought are also very similar to spearman.
Someone who slept with so many and don't intiate for intimacy than how you going to manage your need. Even you don't know is he addict to habit of having different body everytime. in genuine relationship we open past to keep honesty and transparency but that to one or twice.
There are many people out their who keep love feeling different and intimacy different. It means they don't love whom they sleep.
I would suggest have open talk when he is in mood of such discussion . Ask what you mean to him? What he is thinking about you both in future term? Will he feel satisfy with you or he still feel attraction for other ? N many more.
@indigoEast2917
I want to connect with you
@indigoEast2917
I'm in agreement with @Spearman60.
Also, I've been with someone who was somewhat similar to your guy. The guy I was seeing (who happens to be my brother's best friend) used to drink A LOT and say some crazy stuff. How in his younger years, he had an affair with his best friend's GF and cheated before. How he had 3 abortions and slept around a lot. When it came to intimacy, same as you, he would hardly initiate or want anything, but cuddled a lot. It turn out, he was talking to other women on the side and even ghosted me when he was shagging some other chick, and wanted to hangout again when she DUMPED him for someone else (just like he did me).
We were never exclusive, but I requested for him to let me know if he was seeing someone else, because at the time, I preferred something more. He didn't tell me, lied saying he wanted to "be friends" and work our way up to a relationship "possibly", because he said he was afraid to lose me, and he did. He used to send mixed signals, treated me as a GF (ex. cooked for me, did my laundry when he claimed he NEVER did his ex's laundry, gave me money just because for son & myself even though I never asked, took son to appointment, etc), then he'll tell me to "stop" being affectionate and stop hanging out so much. I respected those wishes and backed away to give him space, only for him to get upset with me and want affection and to hangout. He even said he "loved" me. I guess that was enough for my lizard brain to get pulled back into his shenanigans. But there was a lot of push-and-pull.
I ended up dropping him.
Personally for me...People's pasts CAN determine how they will be in the present and could be a red flag, so beware, be cautious. Even if they say they've "changed".
When someone tell you who they are believe them! There’s red flags
@indigoEast2917
I m facing something similar, can I connect with you?
You know his past. You realise he has changed. Maybe, you crave his past qualities because it sounds fun
@indigoEast2917 Though it may be uncomfortable, the reality is every last one of us has a past and we can't ever change that. You can't be apart of his past or erase his past memories from him. The good thing is you have him now, in his changed ways, and could possibly have a future with him. How do you know what could be if you are holding his past against him? Allowing yourself to be influenced by the number of women he has slept with? I have to say, I actually have respect for a man that can admit to that and be open about it. And if you have someone that is comfortable and honest enough to open up to you then that is a good thing. Too many would lie or not bring it up with fear they will be judged. Has this man given you any reason not to trust him? And aside from the initiation of sex, has he given you any reason to feel that you are not good enough for him? I'm not talking about thoughts that come to you. I'm talking about has he done anything to you to show you that he has no interest in you. I know all relationships are difference but just keep in mind this for 1 second...
There are soooo many women in relationships/marriages where the man wants to have sex with them... but then are literally lacking every ounce of intimacy.
Then too, there are many women who get the intimacy but lack the sex for whatever reason...
After all sex and intimacy are 2 different things and you can be intimate without having sex. Ask yourself, what can you live with. What are you willing to endure? How much can you accept for the sake of love and a potential long term relationship? Only you know. And be honest with yourself.
At the end of the day, you deserve to be happy so you will need to decide. But whatever you decide to be ok with, his memories will not just disappear with a future with you. It is because of his past that he is who he is today. And I know people say the past is an indicator but (my opinion) I don't agree. Because I speak for me, I embrace my past but I know my past contributed to who I am... yet my past mistakes does not dictate my future. I am not my past. So that is why I believe that people can change and we should not hold or judge others because of things in their past when we never even knew them. That's just me though.
Whatever you decide you are ok with, can tolerate, can accept, etc.... I truly wish you happiness. Never feel like you have to settle for any man. You are do valuable and worthy to be happy and I wish that for you.
Sorry so long. Take care.
@indigoEast2917 how xan we talk to you?
@indigoEast2917- you deserve more than this guy. Run Run Run away. The relationship will get more weird with time. Know not supposed to give advice. Wish someone could have advised me at your age.
Best wishes on a good life.
