In dilemma, Need suggestions

@persistentFarm8730

I'm sorry that your husband isn't wanting to work with you on overcoming the past hurts in your marriage. It is surprising to hear that he would end it without a second thought if it was an engagement. It sounds like he is committed to holding on the marriage but not committed to working towards a happy healthy marriage.

A marriage is a union of TWO individuals. No matter how much one tries alone, it cannot work unless both partners walk together towards the future they want to share. The constant blame and bring up old wounds, the abuse and hurt - your idea of couples therapy is indeed a good one. It isn't to sort something wrong with you or with him, rather it is to help the COUPLE come to a better understanding of how to communicate and sort issues together in a better healthier way. Even if there is nothing wrong with him or you, the levels of hurt being caused in the marriage keep increasing. That is what needs a bit of help.

You seem hurt too, by everything that's happened the past couple of years. Do you feel he is worth the effort?

@persistentFarm8730

Soooooo what I've been learning (To my GREAT irritation.) is that everything everyone does everywhere all the time is OUR responsibility alone because WE are the only ones in our mind creating our reality. *explodes with rage* There is good news though...

And that is COOKIES!

Just kidding.

Well. Sort of.

The good news is that because the responsibility is ours, so is our ability to control the situation and create what we desire.

There is bad news though...it means taking time and having the courage and patience to sit long enough in those thoughts and beliefs that are causing us stress with enough deep stillness until the truth rises to the surface...until our volcano of chaos becomes a calm pond that reflects the clearest way.

Now this doesn't mean stop eating cookies.

It just means leaning into the inherent strength, courage and wisdom within you to refuse to be held by the past any longer!

And arguably, yes, perhaps a mild sugar coma every once in a while.

Now! One irritating method of self inquiry or investigation is something called The Work. Www.thework.com Everything on the website is basically free - the worksheets, tons of videos and trained, experienced facilitators who will guide you through your worksheet step by step.

This method of madness goes into the mnemonic RAIN (Tara Brach is the originator) which stands for Recognize or Realize what's happening, Allow or Accept it, Inquire or Investigate it with deep stillness, self reflection and courage and Nourish or Nurture, where the healing action takes place, naturally after the other steps, the way a gentle summer rain falls on a thirsty garden. And where cookies are eaten.

And this is not easy...RAIN that is, not eating cookies because during the process there could be many extremely intense emotions brought to the surface. It is VITAL for one's wellbeing that one intentionally manages those - either with using the 4D's:

1. delay
2. distract
3. deep breathing
4. drinking water

Or other tools such as art therapy, hypnotherapy, a professional counsellor, therapist, medication (When and if needed.), hobbies and interests, breaks and rest, learning more about health, a 'dammit doll' (A plushy you throttle or slam about to safely release rage.), movement, hydration, wearing comfy shoes, etc..

What matters is you KNOW you're done with the bs and you KNOW you can overcome what's happening and you NO longer accept being tossed around by the same situation over and over without grabbing it by the horns and looking it in the eye and saying NOPE!

That's a little intense perhaps...let's change that to 'without grabbing some cookies and milk and listening to some tunes.' Mmmyes.

What was I talking about. Oh yes! So, remember, these things don't change overnight; it's a skill we are not taught by our parents, caregivers or education system. Our old habits have worn deep ruts in our minds. And like any skill or new endeavour it takes discipline and practice, patience and perseverance to master.

My communication skills are complete twaddle so I apologize as this all made such little sense. I hope it helped somewhat though so please share any feedback or questions on the above ramblings and I'll be happy to take that into consideration.

In conclusion, cookies are great.

🍪

@Dallady

wow! I applaud the way you have described an extremely complex concept.

You might be interested to know that in ancient times there was meditation to help isolate the intense thought/emotion phase from the calm controlled one. It was exactly why being able to create complete vacuum in the meditative phase was such a valuable tool towards gaining control of our "self".

Thank you for sharing so generously, it has helped me reach some thoughts I hadn't explored before.

Much strength and peace to you on your journey - and many many cookies too!

@Dallady

This was a wonderfully profound response that I feel strong resonance for.

Thank you for your response intended for the OP but also for giving food for thought per se for others checking in on this situation!

I am a deep believer in meditation practices and always seeking to learn more or implement related ways with new approaches. Additionally, the way we think and respond does always need to be challenged, and I commend you for sharing your approach.

Best Wishes,

xRose

@persistentFarm8730 awww wow! That's a lot of red flags, I would advice run away while you still can. I know love is not as easy as that. To just walk away. But he sounds abusive in every way, maybe in ways you can't see right now. Please try to start a new life but without him. Sending you my best wishes ❤❤

@persistentFarm8730 tbh just leave the man alone if he doesn't want to be in the relationship then don't force it

@persistentFarm8730

A person like that, whom only projects ...........it is YOUR issues or your problem ..........does not come around...... i was in your shoes years ago i stayed bent over backwards trying to appease him and yet never enough.

now years later i am still in your shoes.... it is his issue and he won't deal and the only reason i am here i guess is to cook and clean ......... reconciliation require effort for both parties not just one.

@persistentFarm8730. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Being in an abusive marriage is scary. Did you two get married for the right reasons? Were you both in love? It sounds like things started to go bad when you did something. Whatever that was, he couldn't forgive you and became abusive because he was in emotional pain. If he had forgiven you then there would be peace. Forgiveness isn't easy but it can happen. You said he doesn't want to end the marriage. Sounds like he could be afraid of being alone or he likes you to do everything for him like he doesn't want to do anything himself. If he wants you to take care of him then he should also want to take care of you. Take care of each other because you love each other. Doesn't he want to help you too if he thinks something is wrong with you? Couples therapy would help like you suggested. He could be uncomfortable in doing it. He probably doesn't want someone to know what you had done or what he had done. He might worry what other people think. Maybe he doesn't want to admit his wrongs and doesn't want someone to think he's not a good person. If he really wants to save the marriage he needs courage to go to therapy with you. Not only does he need to forgive you, but also forgive himself.

I hope things will get better for you.

@persistentFarm8730 Sorry to hear that you are going through this. I think it's best for you to seek therapy for yourself first as there will be a lot to discover as you speak to a professional. They can even suggest useful tools or techniques for you to cope. Hope you are able to seek the help you need and have a peaceful life ahead.

Dear persistentFarm8730,

You are going through a lot, much of which is excessively heavy and hurtful. It took a lot of courage to open up here about your relationship with your husband and situations so intimate. None of the questions below need a public answer, they are meant to fodder internal thinking.

How have you been doing during this process?

Have you been taking time for anything you enjoy during this process? (hobbies, activities, going out, it could be anything from very small to more than that)

Have you been practicing self-care including basic care of yourself, not neglecting yourself?

Just remember you can reach out anytime like you did here when you're feeling alone, overwhelmed, frustrated, hopeless, aggravated, sadness, etc. Both in this format and pm listeners like me or someone else that you find comforting to give a listening ear.

Meditation is an excellent practice, as well as deep breathing. At least remember to do things that matter to you during this equally hard and confusing time, don't be afraid to reach out, and no matter what responsibility you may feel you have, it's important that you don't lose yourself, continue getting to know yourself and listening to your inner voice during this time.

Much love & positive vibes

❤️Rose

@persistentFarm8730,

couples therapy is not about something being wrong with either you and/or him.

It's about trying to communicate and reconnect.

Maybe you could make that clear to him.

Or set up a free consultation with a couples therapist just so the therapist can explain what and what not to expect.

You deserve happiness and you deserve easy@persistentFarm8730

If you're working this hard and getting no where then Imagine this for the next 50 years of your life.

What helped me walk away was imagining that I'd have to spend the rest of my life with someone who had no idea how to love me.

This sounds like a scenario where the best thing you can do for each other is divorce. There are many things going on here, but the standout factor is this: he was abusive, blames you for his actions, and does not admit there is anything wrong with him or anything HE needs to do about it. This is what you will continue to get out of the relationship if you choose to continue. You having to carry the burden and guilt of any relationship flaws while he hangs his portion of the responsibility on you and continues to see himself solely as the victim. It's not a healthy way to proceed and it's not going to get better unless he has a major reconstruction of his view of himself. He doesn't respect you and because he can't see himself as anything but the victim, and you as the reason the relationship began to crack, that won't change.

Your actions may have started it, but his retaliation further broke the relationship and if he can't shoulder the responsibility of his half, it's not going to work.