Silent Treatment
I just broke up with a man who had a habit of using the silent treatment against me whenever we had a disagreement. This would go on and on until I essentially got on my hands and knees to beg for forgiveness (even during times when I did nothing to cause upset).
This last time was due to him canceling our plans last minute. I was already en route to his house, but he didn't care. He demanded I not come over. I turned around and drove back home. For reference, his house is 40 minutes away from me.
I texted him to say how hurt I felt by his words and actions. No response. I decided to give him space, and didn't contact for several days.
After a few days, I decided to check in and simply gave a text saying, "Hey just checking in to see how you're doing. I'm sorry if I upset you in any way the other night, that was not my intention." Again, I was apologizing when there was nothing for me to apologize for. He canceled plans. He was cold and nasty, saying don't come over. I simply gave in.
That text also got no response, so after about 7 hours I had enough. He had used the silent treatment for the last time. I told him that I felt he was weaponizing the silent treatment and that was a form of emotional abuse. I was tired of it and told him to stop abusing me. Didn't matter to him. I was ignored again.
Whats worse is that I owe him money for helping me the previous month with a car issue. I told him I'd pay him back, and have begun to do so. I sent a cashiers check via certified mail and notified him via text and email (email with the transaction and tracking numbers). Again, no response.
I'm at a total loss. I tried so hard in the relationship to make things work. We were together for a total of 9 months. Most of that time, yes, he weaponized the silent treatment. I glossed over it by focusing on the fact that he would cook for me, take me to dinner, take me on trips and buy expensive things for me. I thought, "He must care! He's doing all this nice stuff for me when he could just leave me." I was so deep in love I didn't care about the negative.
It isn't so easy for me to move on because I invested a lot of time and emotions on the relationship. I gave him my heart. And instead of focusing on myself, I'm worried about the fact that he's moved on already or was cheating on me, which makes me feel worse. I feel like a fool.
The worst part of all is that we work together. Not all the time, but every once in awhile. I have to work with him in 2 weeks and it gives me so much anxiety.
I just don't know how to process all of this and move on. Especially without closure. He's a grown, middle-aged man and can't even have the common decency to break things off. That's the lowest of low in my eyes.
@DogAndButterfly7777
I think you handled the situation pretty well so far 🙂
Yes. For me silent treatment is undoubtedly abusive, namely it is a passive aggression. If he cancels your meeting while you are on the way, I guess that is certainly NOT you to explain and apologize.
Your description of him "being for you" the way he did reminds me either some kind of "love bombing" - to soften another person and make them more prone to being easily controlled - or someone who wasn't emotionally accessible and/or finally just changed their mind.
It must be hard for you to feel like left with nothing (not even any act of politeness and sincerity). And even harder to face some toxicity at work resulting from the failed relationship. But from my experience... that's much better to lose 9 months than to spend a large part of your life with a wrong person.
Thank you. For now I'm trying to be strong. I refuse to contact him anymore in any way. A friend of mine told me 2 key things that give me food for thought: 1. He was probably hoping for me to come back begging and pleading for him to take me back, thus giving him his much-needed ego boost and control, and (most importantly) 2. Live your life not to spite him, but in spite of him.
@DogAndButterfly7777 It is so hard to give someone your heart for nine months, but know that you can take it back! We fall for the qualities & energies other people bring to us, and out of that, we form bonds and attachments. It sounds like he misused those bonds, or perhaps, like a lot of men do, misunderstood them. There will be another Prince Charming, and you will also be a wiser and deeper person for it.
@DogAndButterfly7777
Hey girl ,
I may have 0 relationship skills but let me tell you this , hang in there! Im sorry for what you had gone through..For one , he's an idiot. For two , im sure he isnt thinking straight. To ghost someone or give someone the silent treatment without having the courage to approach the other person or try to understand how the other person is feeling is called absolute selfishness. Even though , im in no place to tell you this , im kinda guessing maybe he never cared about you in the first place. If he ever did care about you then he wouldnt treat you like this. You deserve so much more , girl. Remember , theres plenty of fish in the sea..you'll find one at the right place in the right time <3
@crimsonCoconut1711 thank you :)
Hi i am with someone similar and i m not sure is it toxic bad or normal very confused
@intellectualEast4602,
How is everything going in your relationship? Are you ok?
I've learned that the key to healthy relationships is healthy communication. There are going to be times where you argue, this is true. But there is a difference between taking a time out and then coming together to discuss and resolve issues, and just ghosting them until you get what you want from them. I hope you aren't going through that, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Stay strong :)
Weaponised silence is absolutely a red flag, I was with a narcissist in my last relationship and took me so long to heal after - there is definitely a difference between someone giving space in a healthy way and being genuine once ready to talk it out and showing care - rather than someone who uses silence as a way to hurt their partner and illicit their desired outcome
@blueSpring337
If it's OK to ask, how did you end up getting through your past situation?
I started tallying when I felt negative and when I felt positive, and came to realise how often I felt negative and how rare there would be an ounce of positive in the relationship, I then accepted that he was never going to change, and I stopped pandering to his mood swings. Once he realised I was no longer under his thumb, he ended things rather abruptly.
I was with him for far too long though, and I felt like a changed person after. The amount of stress in my body was awful, I was physically and mentally quite sick for ages after and it took me a long time before I started feeling better.
Being single now has brought so much peace, and Im sure there are some genuinely nice men out there who I will have chance to get to know someday, but at least now I will be very aware of the warning signs and what's not okay. If someone belittles you, makes you feel less than in any way then cut them out of your life.. Period. Because they are not good for you.
Relationships should be about mutual support and care, building eachother up.
@blueSpring337 You are so right! At the moment I'm contemplating sending him a long email formally ending things and expressing my disgust at his sociopathic behavior and how I already feel much happier without him. And that he will NEVER control me. I don't know if I should do it, but to me this perpetual silence is deafening and driving me insane. I feel I need a way to take back control for good. Should I do it? I don't know...
One thing I would say, and not to scare you but just to make sure you are prepared, is narcissists tend to lash out when they feel called out or discarded. Make sure you protect yourself, change all social media passwords, let your close friends, colleagues and family know your side of the story in advance, because he may try to drag your name through mud after you end the relationship xxx
I would definitely let him know the relationship can't continue, it is over, but try your best not to bruise his ego too much - be transactional and keep it to your perspective, just to avoid backlash. At the end of the day, nothing you say will change him and he is going to create his own version of events to appease his view of himself regardless xxx
@blueSpring337 I decided not to contact him. I talked with my SIL who told me that contacting him would give him power knowing I'm ruminating over him and the relationship. She said go no contact. Take the power back by making him think you moved on and don't care anymore. So that's the path I am going to take.
More than fair enough, sounds a good plan - and congratulations this new chapter in your life, taking back control and doing something for YOU - you will keep looking back to this point in the future and think thank god that it ended, I know I do 💖
@DogAndButterfly7777
You did the brave thing and the right thing by breaking up. It may be hard, but it will be such a relief, and it will be much better in the long term. Good job
@walkalot It's difficult to say because neither one of us explicitly said "It's over I'm breaking up with you". In this case it's I guess implied. Which makes it difficult. He had plenty of opportunities to tell me it's over but he didn't. He just kept weaponizing the silent treatment instead. I just told him that what he was doing was emotional abuse and I demanded he stop. His only communication back was to basically to DARVO and say "you're not a victim, you're the abuser, stop texting me" when all I did was call him out on his behavior. That was it. No more communication from him.
@DogAndButterfly7777
Then it might be worthwhile to just text him and say, "Hey, just want to let you know that we're not BF/GF anymore." or something like that, which can make it official. Best to get these things resolved.
I think it goes without saying at this point. As much as I want to contact him it'll be pointless because 1. He will continue to ignore, and 2. He will revel in the fact that he has control over me because I'm wallowing on this fallout.
@DogAndButterfly7777
if he ever tries to contact you again, I hope you make it crystal clear that you have no desire to have any sliver of him in your life whatsoever!!! Good job getting that toxicity out of your life
@DogAndButterfly7777
It's amazing that you were able to persevere through such controlling behavior by your partner. I'm so glad you knew your self worth and knew that he wasn't the right guy for you.
@cheerfulParadise793
Yeah, I really lost myself in that relationship. Always apologizing, doing what he wants in an effort to keep him happy, etc. He did "spoil" me with food and gifts, but it was all superficial. Lovebomb than discard.
Sorry to hear you are going through this. You definitely deserve better. Not all men out there will treat women like this. There are good men out there. It is tough when you love someone to let go, especially since it does not start out this way.
@Wpdillon It's extremely tough. Especially when they disregard you in such a way as though you don't even exist. It's the sharpest knife.
@DogAndButterfly7777 Honestly, it's cruel.
@DogAndButterfly7777
It's funny that your post sounded like something I wrote. I have a similar but way more twisted current relationship with a girl, whenever she texts me I always reply but when I try and reach out like she asked me to 9/10 times she never replies ever until the next time I see her again.
I even try to check things with her but I'm always scared now since she is so destructive I found out she let her manipulative ex block me on her phone when this whole time she trying to get back with him and it was an embarrassing fail on their end.
The thing is that I also resonated with him giving you the silent treatment. I do not use my silent treatment as a way to punish her, the way she is so toxic to me and has no respect sometimes my whole body just wants to reject interacting with her to avoid pain and maybe even deep down despise her, but at the same time we work together once a week.
For your case maybe he feeds off of the attention and care you give him whenever you try and reach out, makes him feel in power or maybe he's just interested in someone else, but the point is that who knows right? Not having basic communication is childish and toxic.
Communication is very important for a healthy relationship, all the suffering you had are valid and I know what it feels like to not feel wanted, cared for, and confused especially when it was perfect at the start. You deserve better than that, I can tell you have a sweet nature to you and someone else can better reciprocate your efforts.
@DogAndButterfly7777
Hey, it happens to women a lot than you realise. Even I have received the silent treatment and man, when the person accuses you of wanting attention and saying "we're not high school kids" in an email just because you want it to stop, that makes my blood boil.
These people think they are avoiding conflict and being the "better person". Wrong. You are ignoring the actual issue which would've been solved if you just opened your mouth, and trying to make the other person think it's their problem. Like seriously get a grip! They are the most stubborn of the lot and it takes up all of a person's energy to get them to act which makes it obvious that they don't like you enough to work out the relationship but they think being with you is easier because their ego is convinced you like them and can't live without them so that's why they take you for granted.
But in all sense of the word, you can live without a partner. It can get lonely but it's even more lonely when the partner we are with doesn't show they care about us at all. But if your lucky enough to get with someone who genuinely cares, that's what I want for you, either alone happy or happy with someone who appreciates you just as much as you appreciate them.
@DogAndButterfly7777 I hope that you are starting to feel just a touch better when you can. The first few weeks are usually rough, but I am glad to read that you have family around you supporting you (from what I've read in the comments). Silent treatment, I have learned, is not okay. I know how much it hurts, because of a few times it was used against me. When you truly love someone, and they do this, it is incredibly damaging.
@DogAndButterfly7777
I’m genuinely so sorry you’re going through this. You deserve so much better. I’m happy though that you’re working through it.
Silent treatments/being ignored/being ghosted is cruel and difficult. I know that bc I’m currently going through it myself but it’s with a fam member I live with. I thought the start of the New Year would turn him around and let whatever he’s angry with me about go and stay in the past so he can move on forward happily. But that’s not what happened. I even gifted him more than once which also didn’t help. He didn’t even thank me despite him always seeing me everyday. He just ignores me like I don’t exist or don’t matter.