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Hiya guys!
I just need to get this off my chest due to being extremely anxious and nervous for this Monday. I’ll try to keep it short, but prepare for quite the read as I always need to see, hear, understand and tell the whole context.
So. The clue of the whole story is that I’m scared and anxious that the problems that started 1,5 years ago have had a too big of a negative impact on the bond between my colleagues, boss and me and I’m just messing everything up to the point of no turning back.
so, FTF (First Things First) I love my job, my colleagues, my supervisor and employer. I had a different work path before I started working there 14 years ago and worked my up from dishwasher to employee technical service. Even though I’ve been quite troubled over the years, (depression) hard to understand and sometimes a nightmare to work with, my work is my all and I give 💯, have always made insane hours when needed, double shifts etc.
They grew into seeing my potential, good heart, positive, reliable, trustworthy and responsible work/personal ethics, effort and so, to love me for me.
about 5 years go, right before Corona, we got a new operations manager. We bonded pretty quickly due to the fact that I went home during Covid (closed, remodeling the hotel) I called him, threw everything out in quite the disrespectful manner and one of the first to lay it out to him what colleagues were saying behind his back and why, (which I agreed upon at that time) but he didn’t got mad, just listened and we ended up having sush a great and honest conversation he, over the years, grew out to be my confidant and one of those very special people that you feel 💯 safe with. Where something about their character and their way of trust and guidance makes your walls finally drop.
1,5 years ago my bf and I got a son. I was in the hospital before week 30 due to my body started to labor. They stopped it, work at 50%, bed rest. His birth (8,5 months) was traumatic.. breach delivery that went wrong ending in fully sedated emergency C-section. Due to the laxative for bowel cramps he cried 6to8 hours a day on average. (That started at 2 weeks old)
4 weeks old hospital for a virus in his brain. At 5 months RS and hospitalized. I’ve carried 90% of his care due to the bf not able to handle the situation. After work he went to friends 4 to 5 days a week.
My boss didn’t tried to convince me to call in sick after my maternity leave, (we have 3 months after birth) but I declined cause I’d thought I’d get better working, as well as (wrongly) thinking I could handle the situation due to the CBT I’ve had early 20’s. But, the harder I fought, the harder I fell.
So, therapy and sick leave. By that time our boy was finally healthy and growing as a normal baby.
2 weeks in sick leave the bf lost his job, no savings, no intention of even search for one while I don’t earn enough for the whole household. A brief, short discussion that first weekend made me go back to work fully, knowing what was coming. No search, or any physical, mental or emotional help at all. 2 months in I opt to take a side job to cover the loses which turned into a huge discussion finally my therapists (had 2) started interfering seeing me spiraling out of control (therapy was the first to drop to manage life) and he ‘slowly’ started moving.
3 months in I ended it in full overload emotion leading CPS to get involved blaming mommy to be a threat to her son. I won.
BF finally got a job (4 months in) and I took 10 steps back and went on sick leave. But since then, the walls have been closing in on me on a daily basis and what problems I’ve had before exploded.
Suspicion of ADHD came into place and I got tested for it which leads us to now.
As said, this whole story is going on for 1,5 years. My colleagues had to put up with a whole lot with me continuing to work where I was just done. The constant negativity and the load of my problems being the center of their days took a toll to the point I thought they hated me and our strong bond got ruined. It still haunts me to this day what their actual thoughts are about me now…
At some point getting better and working again I took my responsibility on a colleague day out. Explained, cried, apologized, took my responsibility for my mistakes and luckily they took it. But.
These things change you. I’m more reserved, listen to music with earplugs all day long cause I can’t handle crowds anymore and to keep my thoughts at ease. Meaning, connection is lost. My feelings are all over the place, mood swings real badly, and I completely lost myself.
Regarding the operations manager, he guided me through the whole process and moved mountains to whatever he needed to help me. The thing is, negativity spreads louder than positivity. So, when you have a negative energy around you (rather it’s your fault or not) it still lays a huge toll on the people around you. When you’re that deep every bit of change in people towards you stands out.
So did his…
I’ve noticed several times where words didn’t match actions anymore and connection became less that triggered that anxiety that we’re now at a point of no turning back.
and I get it though, dealing with someone that constantly closes off, hot and cold behavior, pulling and pushing.. it’s exhausting. Can’t blame them or him, but for me, not able to handle my emotions right now or adapt to life around me.. I pull back due to a very traumatic childhood. I’m doing to best I an to survive, and they’re taking care of them causing my anxiety to rise leading to a snowball effect.
Problem now is, that to get the ‘better’ notification to be able to work full time again I had to promise the manager to always keep him in the loop, stay honest, have regular check-ins to say what’s happening in my life, my thoughts, feelings etc, to where I can get that control back to the point that if he sees or notices I’m not taking care of myself and overstep my boundaries, he’ll take back control and will personally whistle me back and take care of me.
I’m actually crying now writing this. My lord. I feel like a burden. The past couple of weeks there’s been sush a negative energy in between us. I’ve had a check-in a couple weeks ago, and this time was the first time I actually lied to him saying everything in my life was fine. I can’t lie, he knew and called me out for it. But I was scared to tell him the whole story. I wanted to tell him I’m at a loss now. I have no clue who I am, the relationship issues still going on (I couldn’t leave him back then due to CPS. I would’ve lost my son instantly) trying to be a mother while fighting my own internal battles, the worries of my behavior on other people constantly causing the snowball effect making things worse.
And I’m not even sure what I’m fighting for…. I’m days away of hearing what’s wrong with me. Am I my problems? Are my problems me? Can it be resolved or do I have to live with it? Who am I going to be once I know?
everyone misses the old me, but, if it’s not adhd, isn’t what I’m today then what i was supposed to be all along? Reserved, pulled back, sensitive.. would I even fit in the team then?
is whatever I’ve caused in behavior even worth fighting for or do they already perceive me in a way of discussed which won’t be as it used to be ?
I’ve been studying psychology through many recourses and still am to this day, cause I have to, and everyone’s expecting me to come out of this as well behaved, intelligent, resilient and social parent that knows what she does, is emotional stable and will have the necessary skills to navigate life and my son.
But who the F am I in the process? I’d it’s adhd I haven’t been myself my whole life. I’ve missed the whole transition to motherhood due to all the problems. And am I really working so hard studying what I THINK I should do for my son to be what I THINK I should be? Or am I just constantly trying to narrative myself into the expectations of others cause my son is on the line. And you know, that’s quite a lot to handle.
I never even wanted to have kids. He slipped through and though he’s my greatest blessing, truth to be told hopefully without judgement.. there are numerous times I wish I didn’t had him, leave the bf in that period and be happy single and alone. I’m ashamed of that, still. And still cry by that thought cradle him into my arms putting him to bed and tell him i’m sorry for all the mistakes and thoughts mommy has. But it’s just so dang conflicting.
I was too scared to tell the manager this a couple weeks ago cause I feel like he’s fed up already. Making things worse of course cause now he knows I am able to lie to him where he thought I trusted him 💯. I’ve even wondered (at this point) to just search for another job to make sure they won’t be burdened by me anymore and to start over. We ain’t even talking anymore at this point. I’m scared I’d tell him this he’ll lie right back into pretending to care so much, yet his behaviour says otherwise. I’m really scared my problems eventually will take a toll on his own mental health, or that due to this, he’ll eventually pull back himself by saying he can’t take it anymore meaning the damage is also inevitably damaged. Or he’ll worry that bad he’ll take back control again, sent me back to the doc who’s probably going to cut my hours again and going to be obligated to check in more then regularly again to exactly know what goes on every step of the way mining me feel like a 5 year old needing daddy’s hand to pull through. That will set a new pressure again on the mental load by having to keep continue to emerge.
Pulling back and restraining myself from him and my colleagues is the only way I know how to protect them from me and getting sucked into this mess again. I respect them too much to let any remaining respect and trust to be broken that way. It’s way easier for me to have them dislike me for restraining social contact and be a ‘loner’ not fitting in the team, maybe even company anymore then another draining constantly pressure of caring and negativity.
I’m getting the results on Monday if it is indeed adhd or whatever they think it is with therapy plan. Which is making my anxiety rise through the roof over the promise that he needs to know what’s going on and what in this case the therapy will be. On top of that, if it is ADHD, and they’ll say they need me on meds, we’re going to have a problem cause I don’t even take an aspirin unless I’m dying. I ain’t going to take any meds. I was set up for DBT, which they give in group lessons. But, DBT was originally made for borderlines and I ain’t going to be on group sessions if there are people with heavy borderline. My sister has severe borderline as well as my partners ex girlfriend. Both had a significant part in making my life unbearable, so that’s not an option either.
But, this therapy was obligated by CPS so what if I refuse? Ae they going to be called back into our lives ? And then what to say to the manager? He knows I’ll get results Monday. I can’t keep him at bay for months from now, especially not if the offered therapy is on another day then Monday, since I don’t work mondays.
I’m so scared that whatever happens will be the end of a long lasting bond and no idea on how to manage it all without hurting anyone around me.
So yeah. Long story it is… but this has going on in my mind now for quite some time, I needed to write it off my chest even if no one reads to the end and replies.
The end.
