Feeling uncomfortable in my skin
I didn’t know if I should put this here or the self-esteem forum. Something someone said has been bothering me that time isn’t seeming to help.
A couple months ago, husband and I had just broken up. We were still around each other amicably, deciding how things would go moving forward. We still had feelings for each other, but in short had too many irreconcilable differences. I don’t want this to get too long talking about him, but for some background there were some mental/physical abuse and control issues.
During this time, in the middle of normal conversation, he decided to tell me that there were times he had trouble getting intimate with me because of my belly. I have had children, and in the beginning of our relationship he had told me that he knew that sort of thing was normal and he doesn’t prefer when women are too thin anyway, that he liked some weight. So I was comfortable for the most part with my looks and felt good about myself in that way. If I ever didn’t like something, I’d work toward fixing it. I’m not overweight at all. But I do have issues with a slightly distended stomach due to a couple health problems. There are lifestyle things I do that make it not as bad, but it will probably never be a flat stomach. He knew about these things. He wasn’t helpful in supporting me achieving those lifestyle changes. I don’t want to get into the specifics, but sometimes he’d push me past my limits or purposely do things I shouldn’t do, so I’d try to keep up with him. I’m trying to be more conscious of those things now.
I’ve always struggled with depression for other reasons. He knew that. I don’t understand why he felt the need to tell me. He’d always say he’s “just sharing” and that I should want him to be honest, he thought I should know. I think he always hinted that I should exercise more, but my doctor told me I can’t do intense abs exercises like crunches because of one health condition. My husband never believed doctors opinions though. I don’t know why he thought this would be helpful to me. He ruined one part of my small self-esteem I didn’t worry about. What made it worse was he got irritated that it made me sad. He said that it was only sometimes and he was attracted to me most of the time, but I don’t know which was which and what was different. He tried to explain and said I was misunderstanding and being too sensitive. At the end he punished me by saying that he won’t share anything with me anymore.
I had times where I thought he was getting too much belly eating too many desserts and things that he can control but won’t, but still it never affected my attraction to him, and I never said anything. It wasn’t that big of a deal to me, my attraction was more than just physical, and I feel like everyone goes through changes. I understand the need for honesty if it gets to the point where you’re concerned for someone’s health. I even think it’s ok to talk about things that affect attraction for one another if something gets really bad. I think it just hit me hard because I don’t have a lot of control over it, he didn’t exactly support when I wanted to do things better, and I think overall I still look really good and the same as when he met me. He friends and other people think I’m attractive.
I hate looking in the mirror. I don’t like getting undressed or showing, being naked at all. I feel uncomfortable in my skin. I feel like I should think “well forget him”, especially since he was so mean about so many other things in our relationship. I don’t know why I can’t have that attitude. It’s like I’m letting him have one more form of control over me. But knowing that doesn’t help me feel better.
Are all men so shallow and I’ve just been naive? I can’t think they are, but maybe because of where I live now it seems like they are. His friends seemed nice, but then they’d say or do things that would shock me. When I go out shopping, I wear a coat or baggy clothes now.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas I’m so sorry you had to experience that. What he said was incredibly cruel and disrespectful. It’s also so wrong that he made you feel like you were being “too sensitive” and then used it against you by saying he wouldn’t share anything with you anymore. That’s manipulation, not honesty.
@Mya000 Thank you, your response means so much to me. I wonder if part of the reason I’ve been so affected by it is this is the first place I’ve said it “out loud”. I’ve just been trying to get over it myself, feeling silly. Seeing you say I’m not being too sensitive about it makes me feel a lot better already. ❤️
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas I'm really glad my words could help you feel better. It's completely understandable that it would have such an impact, especially when you’ve kept it inside for so long. I’m sorry you had to experience that, and it’s brave of you to acknowledge it. Unfortunately, people can sometimes be thoughtless, but it doesn’t diminish your worth. I hope you're able to find more peace in time ❤️
First of all, I just want to say that I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. It’s completely understandable that this comment has stuck with you, especially given the circumstances of your relationship and breakup. Words, especially from someone we once trusted and cared about, can have a lasting impact, even when we logically know they’re unfair or untrue.
From what you’ve described, it sounds like your ex wasn’t just being 'honest'—he was being unkind and hurtful. There’s a difference between constructive honesty and saying something that serves no real purpose other than to make someone feel bad. He knew about your health conditions, he knew you were doing what you could, and instead of supporting you, he chose to make a comment that would tear down your confidence. The fact that he later dismissed your feelings and even ‘punished’ you for reacting is another sign that this wasn’t about honesty—it was about control.
It makes perfect sense that this affected you deeply. Even though you recognize that his opinion shouldn’t define your self-worth, words like that can plant seeds of doubt that are hard to shake. And when you’re already struggling with self-esteem or depression, those doubts can feel even heavier. Please know that your ex’s perspective was not the ultimate truth. Attraction is complex, and a healthy, loving partner doesn’t make you feel inadequate. They support you, uplift you, and reassure you, even when insecurities arise.
You asked, Are all men this shallow? No, they’re not. But I completely understand why it feels that way right now. When you’ve been around people who reinforce the idea that a woman’s worth is based on her physical appearance, it can start to seem like that’s the norm. The reality is, there are many people—men included—who value deeper qualities and who would never make a partner feel ashamed of their body. Right now, you might be surrounded by the wrong voices, but that doesn’t mean those voices are the only ones that exist.
The way you feel about your body right now—the discomfort, the urge to cover up, the hesitation to look in the mirror—these are all natural reactions to being emotionally wounded. But please try to remember: this is his voice in your head, not yours. He made you doubt something you never questioned before, but that confidence you once had? It’s still within you, even if it’s buried under hurt right now.
Healing from this won’t happen overnight, but there are steps you can take:
- Challenge the negative thoughts. When you catch yourself thinking something self-critical, ask yourself, Would I say this to a friend? If not, try to reframe it.
- Surround yourself with positive influences. Spend time with people who make you feel valued for who you are, not just what you look like. Follow body-positive accounts, read encouraging content, and remind yourself that beauty is not a single standard.
- Reconnect with yourself. Wear clothes that make you feel good, practice self-care, and take small steps toward feeling comfortable in your body again—at your own pace.
- Give yourself permission to heal. You don’t have to ‘just get over it’ immediately. Acknowledge that this hurt you, but remind yourself that you will move past it in time.
You are more than your appearance. You are worthy of love, respect, and kindness, and no one has the right to make you feel otherwise. I hope you can be gentle with yourself and remember that healing is a process. You are not alone in this, and you will find your way back to feeling comfortable and confident again. 💙
@crispFlamingo3800 Hi, thank you so much for reading and responding. I read your words over twice. I’m feeling a little better about things, I think directly because of the kindness of yourself and the other lovely person who replied to me. I think a big part of it was this idea that I was too sensitive or not allowed to be upset about it. Knowing I’m not the only one who thinks it was inappropriate helped reassure me of my own feelings. Thank you for affirming my worth. I have a long way to go because of other events related to him and my past. But (on a related note), I have given up alcohol recently, so that is a step in the right direction, learning how to cope properly and not escape it. Thank you again. ❤️ I hope you are well.