NOT A SAFE SPACE
Was worried about toxic positivity when I signed up.
Was told to 'go do it' when connected to a listener, when I struggle with, and reached out for help with, not taking specific actions as a result of some of the intrusive thoughts that come with my depression.
This site is a cesspool.
(Edited by @CheeryMango to remove content notifying that they would take therapist offsite- 12/19/2022)
@edwardiolo
It all depends on your expectations of what you will get once here
Yo. I just read this and went through all of the replies. I see everyone’s point of view, but I do see some concerning things that you’ve pointed out. I’m a listener, and I feel that we should have more certifications to become verified. I say this because I’ve seen and heard that there are some things other listeners and members are doing that are against code and policy.
It worries me because some have come to me and told me how they’ve been mistreated by the numerous listeners they’ve gone to etc. I’m not jumbling the whole community together, but 7Cups does need to fix the qualifications and structure for both members and listeners.
I’m truly sorry you had a bad experience as do many other members and even listeners. I think more than anything, as a community, we should listen to each other’s worries and concerns and speak on it. Of course we shouldn’t group up the whole site or groups of people, but this is a concern of mine as well. I’ve been a listener since 2017 and I’ve seen it. There is a lot of love and support, but there’s also corruption and rule-breaking. We need to speak on this and I think it’s important we figure out what we all should do to better this site for everyone.
@1ofakindV
Thank you.
Truly one of the most validating responses. Truly makes me feel like I'm not crazy and creating much ado about nothing.
I do, of course, want to apologize again for the mean spiritedness and lashing out at the community as a whole and for splitting like I did.
But, knowing others see this sort of thing as a problem, and that it might not be an isolated sort of incident makes me feel less like the 'boy who cried wolf' and that I'm perhaps more 'making mountains out of mole hills.' Better to pull that fire alarm early and all that.
At this point, it's a mixed experience becoming more positive over time. I reached to this site when things were spiraling downwards, and that can often make me feel more isolated, be more prone to lashing out, and seeing everything through the darkest lens available. It would not be the first time I put my foot in my mouth and said some stupid things. But, it does feel better to find that there might be a kernel of truth in my feelings.
It also feels, where people like you who are long-time standing and active, see the issue, that there is likely to be action. I don't have solutions, I would be terrified to try and organize an online community. I do want the places that offer themselves for support to take issues of safety seriously, and it is nice to know the core of what I had said did not fall upon death ears.
Anyway, sorry once again for lashing out at everyone as a whole and for displaying such anger and negativity.
Do not be sorry for speaking your truth. Of course, I understand that some of the things you’ve said cannot be taken back, but I empathize with your reasonings. I’m glad you’ve taken accountability and also reflected on the whole community. I’m glad you’ve been able to find somewhat a community that you can go to and opening yourself up to new perspectives and hearing everyone out. You’ve taken your time to discuss all of these concerns and have done your best to make light of it regardless of how it may have come across in the beginning.
Please do feel free to reach out to me if you ever need a 1-on-1 conversation. I’m open to discussion and to listen to you, of course within policies and codes. Take care and we’ll all get through this together. This is still a great community and I hope you find more members and listeners that align with you.
@edwardiolo I am sorry you feel that way.
But others have a different view point of 7cups, so please keep that in mind.
Glen M, Our founder has worked night and day, to make this site, as supportive and helpful as possible.
Please keep this in mind.
I am sorry you did not have a good experience with a listener, but please do not take it out on the whole website.
This website has helped a lot of members, so keep this in mind.
Well, I do need to start with an apology. I do know this site has helped a lot of people and is a labor of love. I was angry and lashing out, and lashing out at the community was wrong. Speaking with such vitriol was wrong. I am sorry.
I have started to find good people and good support and some of the things that I expected.
I feel a fair bit of chagrin reading my own words. I tend to try and advocate for nuance, really fight against black-and-white thinking, and really try not to speak in ways that can be construed as ad hominem. I am sorry.
However, mixed in with the regret has been a bit of validation. I am going to give voice to some of the thoughts on that here, in lieu of trying to make a separate post or reply or something. So what follows is more addressing apologists as a whole than you in particular.
Have you ever had a friend go through a bad break-up and they are crying and talking about their wounds, or read a forum post to the same nature, and at some point they say "guys are awful," or something to that nature? It doesn't need to be personalized. Yet, it also speaks to a truth.
There are great people and groups on this site. I've started to speak and talk to some very supportive and empathetic people. I have started to find a lot better sense of community and support.
Yet, I also have had a fair bit of validation in these comments. Where I felt I wasn't discouraged, and all but egged on, other people have talked of predatory behavior and the like. If there are issues of safety, I'm happy to have started a conversation about them.
Like, I had overly high expectations, and was in a rough place, in a bad time. My lashing out was part of that disappointment. I am sorry for it.
It does not seem to be a representative interaction for the site. It is wrong to judge the community by that interaction.
Yet, some of the comments make it feel like it might not be rare, and that there may be worse interactions. We can't be neutral on a moving train. If there are people saying harmful things or doing predatory things, or exploiting the site or the community, we should rattle the walls.
I understand that the group behind everything may have the best intentions and may be working as hard as they can and doing all that they know how. But, in the vein of 'measuring a society by how it treats its most vulnerable,' if there is a problem, we should solve it.
I do seem to be sticking somewhat around. Tomorrow would be a week since sign up, I was going make make some sort of actual introduction post at some point. I do still consider and feel and have an outsider perspective here. I don't know what could or should be done. But, those comments that validate my poor experience say it is not an isolated experience. We shouldn't just sweep them under the rug and go about business as usual.
I am willing to eat my crow while it is young. I am truly sorry for some of the things that I said.
But, I'm not sorry for raising an alarm.
This platform is not perfect huh, I hope you find an ounce of support from the comments each time you open up the site
@newtown305
Thank you very much for the kind thoughts and words.
As I've said, I am sorry for having lashed out so vitriolically. But, having lashed out, I have had a number of very kind people approach me who have been quite good at listening and building rapport without pushing an agenda.
I am happy though to have sounded the alarm bell a little.
I don't really expect a perfect platform. I am willing to treat my encounter as an outlier, and a lot of my disappointment to id due to false expectations. Yet, while I have started to find better comradery and support, some of the comments of the post have validated that there might be a problem, with things like predatory behavior. Some level of expectation is reasonable. I feel some of this could be better forewarned or prevented.
@edwardiolo I completely understand that. I'm struggling to avoid toxic positivity in other people and myself.
@Allyson572 thanks.
Lashing out did have the advantage of attracting some sympathetic and better listeners for me. But, I think a lot of self-help and mental-health exercises or courses or things can fall into the trap of toxic positivity, and that spaces that cater towards such teachings can have a toxically positive culture.
In the way that not everything works for everybody, a lot of the motivational and optimistic sorts of exercises and approaches can run afoul with me. But, I also know that they are effective for many, even the majority.
The problem here, as I see it in this regards, is that the spaces that do work for me are less visible.
I often am more in the 'misery loves company,' kind of camp. I often take comfort in my miserable moments by being around other miserable people. Like, I've lived a long time, don't tell me to go for a jog, you think I've never ran in all my years of living? But, here, I see someone else screaming out from the void, lashing out at the world in anger, misery, and frustrations. I no longer feel as isolated, knowing someone else is suffering as I do. Maybe I can listen or help, maybe I can not or am not in the space to. But, the end is the same, where asking me to try and be optimistic about tomorrow doesn't make me feel near as good as feeling like I'm not alone today.
A lot of the veneer of the site is more geared towards that positive and optimistic reinforcement. Again, that's honestly a good thing. But, if it's overwhelmingly positive, and the more negative outlooks are all hidden, it can be alienating. I wish some of those grimmer people, darker spaces, were a bit more visible on arrival.
I am here to try and cultivate hope and positivity within myself. I just can't handle things that are too saccharine. I tend to dwell in a place where all hope is false, and things like faith are a flaw not a virtue. When a prompt or a person asks something of me like: "If tomorrow a miracle were to happen in your life, what would it be, what would that look like?" My reaction is anger and fear, isolation and alienation. I can try and picture a tomorrow that's better than today, but, I need to get walked there, it's not easy. A lot of the initial language, posts, conversations, and exercises I came across on arrival here were enough on that bright side, that it felt like there might not be a home for me within this community.
I feel a little *** up saying I wish some suffering was more visible, but that's honestly something that would have made landing on the site softer.
@edwardiolo I think that being more positive is a vital step but for later in the process rather than earlier. Acceptance is just as important but should come earlier rather than later.
I'm sorry that happened to you, just know that some people have really benefited from this site. If you want to try something else, good for you. Wish you luck!
