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Hello,
I am a person, and I am new to this website.
I was directed hear a few weeks ago after talking on a crisis line. I signed up earlier today, and briefly chatted with a therapist, half set my profile, and joined some of the communities.
But, this isn’t an introduction.
I don’t know exactly how to voice criticism, yet, I would like to. I know this is a supportive community, that the site is a labor of love, and people here want to be helpful. I would like a community, yet, a lot of signing up and signing on has made me really uncertain if this will be a good space for me.
I signed on through my phone (an android) and there were errors in how the site ignoring them, I made an account. I am greeted with an add for therapy, great, that’s what I came for, i sign up. I’m spit out into a chat room where the therapist starts with an automated method. On the phone, the code formatting is also displayed.
Display errors are a minor irritation. I back out of the conversation, a little overwhelmed and end up on my home screen. There are several notifications. I’m taken to a display to a *** like display, where these community posts are coming through. There is something posted about being positive. I see I have an optional assessment. It says I’m really depressed, and I’m given some sort of progres points for doing it. I return to the therapy session where I see I’m directed to the same test. Happy I’ve done it.
The therapist also informs me I can get a discount on the “premium paths’ with therapy, it’s part of the automated introduction.
I talk to her for a while, it goes well enough. I actually in no way mean to criticize the therapist. She did fine.
What I mean to criticize is how this whole things comes across as a first time user. How it feels is like a social media site, advertising at me, with a little bit of a cult of positivity on top of things.
I click around and look at things. Forum rules, mission statements, community guidelines. I grow increasingly fearful. There are sections for positive thoughts of the day, gratitude journals, I see statements on how the listeners are expected to be warm, that they want a culture of high expectations.
I read the community is meant to be inclusive, and a safe space, but there is also a zero tolerance policy towards harmful behavior. I would have maybe preferred a policy that did have some room for tolerance, growth, and forgiveness. Maybe even implying I could one day say something intolerant, stupid, or hateful is too much, and I'll be banned when I try and sign in tomorrow. Not that I want to spew hate or be intolerant, yet, I've made mistakes in my life. I live with a lot of regrets and disappointment. I probably haven't put my foot in my mouth for the last time.
I level up, and told I know have earned the privilege of a profile picture.
I don’t exactly feel welcome.
I’m not some racist or homophobe or stalker here to make everyone’s life hard, but I’m also not a person who likes to be made to jump through hoops. I resent that I am put on a path and told what is going to help or work for me. I resent that I am placed with a therapist with no say, introduction, or knowledge of their skills or expertise. I dislike the gamification of mental-health. I dislike a culture that presents itself as shiny, happy, and warm all the time.
I am happy that people get value from daily aphorisms. I’m glad if recording gratitude helps you. I’m pleased that you have paths and ways of tracking progress and things for people who wish to engage in such things. But, I feel like I’m stepping into a cult. Finding talks like “happiness is a choice,” and posts like “don’t let the haters get you down,” alienates me. If it were a choice for me, I probably would have taken it by now. If I could let the world not bring me down, believe me I would.
The problem I fear is that as I scratch the surface that I’m going to be greeted by a cult of toxic positivity. After all, if things like happiness are a choice, then people like me, who live with depression, are just making bad choices all the time. That might be the case. I might continue to make bad choices. I might be incapable of growth, I might be incapable of change, doomed to repeat the same mistakes ever onward into the future. I had hoped to find a group that would support me even if I do nothing but fail and fail and fail again.
I have tried to find hope, tried to learn optimism, but I have failed that too. I am a depressed pessimist, always able to find the bad of a situation and always able to see how it can get worse. But I try to be empathetic. I try and be a person people can come to talk to about bad things. I try to be the friend for others that I need. Though, I sometimes do need a positive friend, a relentless font of hope and optimism, more, I need people that understand, that can relate, that have been there.
My fear is that the staff has high-graded the community and their employees for only the most saccharine amongst us, That for those embittered like myself, that this platform may not prove fertile soil in which to put roots.
Anyway, I don't mean to stir up trouble. I am not going to subscribe to this thread, and I'm probably never going to reply if anyone comments on it. I'm not in a place where I'm really able to do new friends, and It's not really worth reaching out to me.
I would have submitted this through the links for community feedback, but that too, seems broken. (windows, chrome)
I get that I'm the exception to the rule, and most people may find this whole onboarding processes both welcoming and comforting. I found I did not have a lot of control of the process.
I am likely to delete this post (if I'm able) in a few days or weeks.
I mostly want to give feedback and lack a channel.
Sorry to be standoffish, I know there are many people who might empathize and relate. I will be more pleasant and engaging and inviting to people in another time and place perhaps if I stick around the community.
Anyway, I'm not trying to rock the boat to hard, and I do hope that whoever does end up reading this doesn't find it too upsetting. I hope the rest of your day can go easily.
Sorry to voice the negative.
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Please do not remove this post - @CheeryMango 12/16/2022
