Scared??
Woke up from sleep having nightmares that I am failing in college even thought I finished it long back , failing in job , failing in life , all of my friends secretly hate me , my parents and my family hates me . Cant go to sleep terrified of this life and loneliness. My parents though really hate me , I had a conversation with my mom yesterday that they shouldve controlled me more and earlier and got me married without letting me study , that hit me hard even though its not the first time they have said me these kind of things. I know and understand they are also getting old and all but their behavior scares me , I avoid to meet them . A week back I took them to a 5 day trip underatoos that how much I do or love them theyll never change . My whole life I have never felt good enough or anything , I am always some kinda peacemaker. My parents fought every single day , both of them would complain me , my younger sister gets away with anything , I have to cover up for her, I always tried to resolve issues between those 3. My mom and sister used to hit themselves with broomaticks and hitting head to walls and all. Always they make suicide threats even for the minor inconvenience. Its funny of me to think that they are gonna change , even my parents at 55 years and my sister at 22 years who are all adults make suicide threats , if I dont get married they r gonna do , if I say no to them they say same , if I wanted to go on a trip theyll do , my sister if I dont trust her shes gonna threaten even though I have enough and more proof that she is straight away lying to my face . All these things hit me so hard , I have anxiety issues and idk what all also. I am 25 year old girl living away from house which never felt like home . I have some 3 to 4 friends , M happy for it but yeah my overthinking makes it difficult.
Thanks for anyone reading, I appreciate it.
@tidyCoconut94
Your thinking is probably altogether too accurate about your family. And they will not change. I still get into recalling outrageous things my older siblings and parents did so I highly recommend that you go on with your life..it is YOUR life not theirs to diddle with. .and go forward. You have no family..forget about any support or any fixing of your relationship with them except that you do not have to put up with them. It is really really too bad you didnt have supportive family and all you should have had. Maybe do some thinking about the four friends...call one of them just to chat about what is going on now and arrange to meet to do something.
Thanks for taking time , I feel I am not strong enough to leave family , ran away from them as far as possible. Wishing someday I will be able to let them go.But the way my family is effected me in irrevrsible ways. Searching for a way out of all this chaos.
You are the person you are. That was your life that you.had to deal with as you at that age could. I am sorry but you will not be able to fix your family. You dont have to leave them or forget that they exist. But you cannot change them. You cant fix them. You have stepped away from their chaos. They will draw you into their chaos every time you see them. That doesnt mean dont ever see them..that wont get them out of your mind. There really isnt any way out of your family..memories of them will come back at the worst pissible times and interfere with your being able in taking care of your business now. That is my experience..earlier today I was upset over a memory of my older sister screaming and madly dashing about scaring the horse a nice person was helping me to ride..she managed to finally upset the horse enough that person got hurt from being nice to me. I am an old woman and I cannot forgive my parents for never teaching my sister proper behavior around large animals!. My mother told people who were angry for good reason for how she stood there allowing my sister to misbehave in ways hurtful to me that "no one tells me how to raise my children."You do not want to be plagued by such memories getting in the way of your living your life. You are the person affected by your family's behavior and your experience with them will always be what made you who and what you are today. And whether they think so or not you deserve to live a good life. I am glad you are searching..be brave. Live YOUR life.