A reminder to members
Listeners are volunteers. They're not paid to be here. They signed up because they wanted to make a difference, they enjoy helping people and wanted to create a safe and supportive place for everyone online. We want this because some of us didn't have somewhere like this place to turn to when we were having a bad time ourselves.
This means that listeners are humans too, they have their own issues, just like you and they have their own life, just like you. We hope to be able to help everyone who comes our way but it's not always possible. It might be frustrating if a listener suddenly has to leave or they tell you that they're not comfortable with the topic so direct you to another listener (they don't have to do that either), but things come up unexpectedly.
We have feelings so insulting us, hurts us, just as it would hurt you. We're not super humans who have no feelings and life is fine and dandy for us - we just want to help. And it truly upsets us when we're unable to help someone who is in need, for whatever reason.
When you connect with a listener, you're the one in need and you might not be thinking straight at that time, but try to keep a thought for the person on the other side of the screen. The person who has taken time out of their day just to help you.
Respect them. We're here for you.
All true! 
I'm wondering, though, who it is that needs to be reminded of it, and whether the kind of person who needs to be reminded of it would be the kind of person who reads the forums. But anyway, I'll bookmark this thread so that if I ever do run into someone who needs to be reminded of it I can provide a link.
@SilentSerenityy
@RarelyCharlie SO TRUE...
@RarelyCharlie Wow - right on! I just cam back to listening after a long break and have run into a flood of rude and demanding folks. Perhaps there needs to be some brief member "training" before they ask for a chat.
Hmmm, or a Verified Member badge? Then we could at least protect unverified members and unverified listeners from each other, but you and I would still get to enjoy the challenge of the rude and demanding folks ;)
We could also stop unverified members from posting links in the forums, which might help reduce the spam.
And we could invite verified members to join those forums that are at present for listeners only, because they know as much about listening as we do.
@Saltedbythesea
@Saltedbythesea I'm sorry that happened to you. Ut2's a good reminder to all of us to be coueteous, take a deep breath and try nor to take things personally That said, even if a Listener and ai were not on the same page (they wanted to be philosophical and I needed a little empathy and reassurance)...how does calling me a "f***ing idiot" help anything? It was horrid.
Members sometimes connect here with listeners because they're in a dark place, and that can mean that sometimes, listeners' feelings are not at the forefront of our minds. When listeners have to leave suddenly, sometimes it does feel like we're getting dropped, and it hurts. When they refer us because they're not comfortable with what we're talking about, it can feel like they're saying we're too weird or gross for them, and it hurts. Sometimes we respond out of anger. It's not right, but it happens.
As listeners, I think that you have to expect that it's not all going to be sunshine and rainbows here. Members are going to push your boundaries, and it's tough. I'm not saying members SHOULD be disrespectful, but it's definitely something that happens and you have to be ready for it.
Rather than telling members to be polite, shouldn't the onus be on the listeners to work on the skills they need to be able to handle difficult chats?
@Alaska5000
yeah I agree with you but members shouldn't feel offended if a listener has to leave and some people just aren't comfortable with some topics for their own personal reasons and its nothing to do with the member. I have a job that's at all hours. I'm actually between calls right now. I can work at any time of the day and I fit in listening when I can. It makes everything easier if members are understanding of that.
@SilentSerenityy I understand that it's not easy being a listener, and I sympathise for sure. But it's your choice to volunteer here, and I think it's down to you to manage your own boundaries, with all the support you have from the site and the listener community here.
It just seems unrealistic to me, to expect members to have to make a special effort so things are more manageable for you.
@Alaska5000
We deal with a lot more than any new listener could ever imagine. We do manage it all, that's why we're still here. This post includes the chatrooms, there's no excuse for people to insult and be rude to listeners. That's all I'm saying.
@Alaska5000
I think so as well its not a profession its something you do out of choice.So either you feel comfortable with the issues that come with it or you dont!!!
Also I think its normal when you connect to a listener that you feel kind of dependebnt to them they agreed to talk to you so that kind of makes sense...except if you feel your personal boundaties are not being respected in that case you just have to say it.
@Alaska5000
I disagree. As a Listener, we have no idea what they're going to say until they say it. Most come up as a general request chat and then get into something like sexual abuse that the Listener may have NO idea about how to even respond. Why would it be up to the Listener to be better prepared if they don't know what will be said?
Also, we get messages to respond right away or the member will feel hurt. There were so many chats that I kept waiting a reply on when I could have been helping someone who actually WANTED help. They usually left without a word. Or walked off to smoke or whatever. I held off going to the bathroom for two hours to talk to people and then finally one member, I had to ask because I couldn't wait anymore.
@Alaska5000 YES! And refer us (members) or let us down as gently as possible. All of us are just looking to reaffirm a way to be here positively, proacticely and keep going.
Whenever I recommend this site to someone, I make sure to mention that this place isn't magical or perfect or anything.
Maybe that helps.
LIsteners are volunteers and they don't deserve to be verbally abused. I see that because they are volunteers being used as an excuse fairly often though.
My listener just randomly left without saying anything - well they are a volunteer
My listener said racist things to me - well listeners are just volunteers
My listener started telling me about all of their problems - well they are just a volunteer.
I have volunteered in a variety of ways including on free websites and I have never used that as a reason for not being professional or being rude to someone. I have never seen that being used as an excuse for poor behaviour as much as I do here (although there are also more volunteers here compared to most places). It's especially frustrating to see this for those who ARE getting something out of this. When someone is using this as part of their requirements of their career path that reason really doesn't fly with me.
@AffyAvo
Anyone pretty much can become a listener so it's still possible to find abusive, horrible listeners. They're not listeners, they're people who aren't welcome here. It's something members will have to be prepared for until it becomes stricter to become a listener here.
My point in this post is that members seem to forget that we can't always be there. They expect too much of us sometimes and seem to forget we're human like them with responsibilities outside of 7 cups.
@AffyAvo Thank you at AffyAvo. If you are a Listener, I would like to work with you sometime (have you be my Listener).
@SpruceRaven Sorry! I'm a member too.
@AffyAvo That's whay I thought. Apparently people can pm each oyher for N ongoing concersation but I don't know how.
Anyway, I've zeen a # of your posts here and there and I like what you have to say. Hope all keeps going well for you in your own journey.
Mine is a bit tough right now.....guess I'll just have to see how things play out.
Thx for the reply.
@SilentSerenityy @AffyAvo @Alaska5000
I think I fall right in the middle on my opinon to this topic. Do listeners deserve to be abused? Absolutely not. Should listeners expect that the people they are working with may be in distress and when we are emotional we may not always use our best judgment? Yes (IMO). I think there is a balance between having a thick skin but still having boundaries.
----If I am listening to somoene, I let them know when we start how much time I have for the chat. If I have to leave, I also help them find another listener if they want to continue in that moment rather than wait. I also do not schedule chats because I cannot guarantee I will be able to make it. In that way, I act professional--I am making a choice in my approach based on my situation and limitations. However, I also expect the member I am working with to respect that as I am clear about my limitations up front.
----Regarding transferring a member to another listener. I think that, for this situation, transparency can help a great deal. If I were to not know much about a topic, I would honestly tell the member that--I typically still offer to listen but I make them aware that my suggestions will likely be limited. Regardless, though, I can definitely listen--topic doesn't change my ability to validate, reflect, empathize, and so forth. So, if the member prefers someone experienced, they feel in control of that choice then. Triggers are something all together different. I still feel transparency is very helpful. Say to the person "I'm sorry but this topic is beginning to trigger me--and for my health as well as to make sure you get the best help possible, I need to refer you to another listner." While listeners are expected to be professional, they are not mental health professionals and if they are triggered, there's nothing wrong with taking steps to change that (often by referring the member).
----Regaring abuse from members to listeners. This is a tough area. Honestly, I have a pretty thick skin and rarely block. But, I think taking these steps is often the best route if a member is acting inapprorpriately toward you: (1) Ask them to stop. If they are emotionally agitated, they may not realize that what they are saying is hurtful. (2) Try to redirect the chat--continue validating their anger and trying to empathize--because they are allowed to be angry--we all are--about anything (it's what we do with that anger that may/may not be okay). (3) Ask one more time to stop. (4) Block. If a member does not respect a listener's choice to block, well, they can try another listener? Overall, setting and respecting boundaries can be a huge help.
@Amelia
I can agree with all of what you've said. That's pretty rare when I hear the 'listeners are volunteers' line brough up though. It's brought up when a listener doesn't have a basic level of consideration for the other person they are chatting with.
@Amelia Thanks for your thoughtful response.
I think my issue with this post from @SilentSerenityy is that it suggests listeners' boundaries are firstly the members' responsibility (and therefore members need to keep listeners' needs in mind from the outset). I disagree - I think that as a member, I need to feel free to express myself in a safe space with my listener, and that it is the listener's responsibility to make sure their boundaries are respected (because as a member, how can I know what the listener's boundaries are? Some are fine with swearing, others not, etc.)
@SilentSerenityy WOW THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING brave enough to say this out loud. This is extremely true and I respect your words. Thank you for being the person that you are today. I am happy to read these words and once again, Thank you for being amazing.
@SilentSerenityy
Thanks for posting this! I think this is a really helpful reminder to members, and will defiantly direct members to this thread if I run into problems. We are human and what people say to us can still hurt us :)
@SilentSerenityy I am always amazed by listeners as they lend an ear to someone seeking support. I thank every listener on this website for their brave and amazing work. Thank you for making this world a much better place :D. You have no idea how much your work and effort help people from all over the world!
How can it possibly be helpful at all to a caller who is miserable, depressed, cutting, anxious, etc to have a listener just disconnect them without even saying they need to cut things short, or someone else may be a better match, or even saying goodbye ? Then to add insult to injury they block you as if you did or said something rude, racist, insulting. It is unreal, I told my psychologist about that, and her eyes nearly popped out of her head, and she is generally the most poker faced person I know. The few times it was done to me, I was not saying anything that should warrant a silent disconnect and block. That is why I use the resources here ( videos, articles, boards, but no more listeners for me - ironic name too, listeners who don't listen but hang up on you then block ! Ha !! )
thats true
