my words have no meaning and my boundaries are pointless - just processing TW: emotions related to sexual abuse( for me)
I feel like setting boundaries is a pointless task because no one really respects them. I have very toxic family and even as an adult, no one respects my personal boundaries or my personal space. And my words are so meaningless...doesn't matter what I want or say.
Maybe that is why I can not speak out loud with my words ( quite literally) to tell my therapist about my sexual abuse history - I can talk about other types of my traumas - but not This one. I was wondering why this is happening and I realized:
While I was getting hurt, and even after... i felt helpless, hopeless, terrified, trapped. I just wanted to endure so I could escape and try to be safe. And my words didn't matter. "NO" had ( and I am seeing a trend of is continuing to have no meaning) absolutely no power to stop or change anything.
And if this feeling...FEELING that I am always a victim is created because again, no doesn't mean anything and my words are as powerless as my boundaries to keep me safe. So then at This point, am I not just doing a self fulfilling prophecy and re-victimizing myself by just giving up and letting whatever happens happens? Or is my messed up trauma downing self just not knowing how to keep me safe? Or is it that it is so damn ingrained in my core being that my words are meaningless and boundaries are powerless that this just is my reality ( for now?).
I am so confused but this I know:
What happened to me in the past was not my fault. And the changes that it and I created in myself in response to that is not my fault. But, now that I am seeing how this effects my being, life, communication, sense of self, victimization and re-traumatizing...This is ever so my responsibility to start to seek healing and peace , even if it is hard and vulnerable and scary and painful. Even if my words have no power - i need to use my words out loud to explain what happened so I can start to grieve and let go and heal.
And i do not want to be somebody stuck in the hell of healing these traumas, that makes the trauma - the nasty shameful disgusting and soul crushing trauma - the main focus point of my identity. And I do not want to be a survivor of sexual abuse, that is the same thing: FOR ME ( no judgements for anyone who wants to be called survivor - i know that can be so very empowering). I feel if I called Myself a survivor - that hateful trauma is still core to my identity. I just want to THRIVE <3
.
....But I just do not know what to do or even understand what I need to do in order to have my words mean something, my no mean no and my boundaries respected. And I would really love to finally have personal space and boundaries not rejected.
I am honestly not sure why I am even Posting this - I am sorry if it makes no sense or if it is misunderstood. I guess I needed a place to write out these confusing thoughts and try to figure them out - Side note: I am not in danger or anything now , im safe just not emotionally safe all the time.
Physically I am safe because I , ready for this? Purposely and consciously stopped trying to look nice, gained weight and no longer even one makeup or hair products. I wear all black - nothing special . I used to have style, look attractive - but i was not able to deal with the triggers of attention directed at me and i would just freeze when it came to intimate things ( endure and wait to escape - constant residue from the past). So yes, my ugly and fat self is safe , physically. i just had to ruin my life to do it.
@blissedNblessed How about we call you a warrior? Because in my eyes that's what we all are - warriors. We fight our past - to fight for our future - we fight to live and unfortunately we fight to thrive too
I think it takes us along time to get out of survival mode and it's like there is so much chaos afterwards - we're completely at a loss for what to do - maybe we spend time lying and denying to ourselves that things happen - maybe we fool ourselves into think we'll just get over it - that we'll just let it go and life will go back to normal. We stuff things away and out of sight for as long as we can but sometimes things start to leak through and we look at where we packed these things and realize we have to do something about it because it's starting to stink the place up - so we start to unpack and everything needs to be analyzed and dealt with - it takes time. We are the ones who had all these horrible things done to and yet we have to deal with the aftermath - we have to clean up the mess that other people have made of us - which is totally unfair
Boundaries are trouble areas here too - But I've come to realize that some people won't respect them or the no we give - those are people we limit contact with - which sucks too - because it makes you feel bad - but it doesn't mean you're wrong
Tbh - I am really proud of you - you've been writing more - letting out things and that is healing too - even if it's just on an anonymous website - just to release alittle of what your holding inside - it shows that you're taking a step forward - those steps can be baby steps - h*ll you can tiptoe if you want but you're still taking steps forward - it says I can do this - it shows the warrior in you - it shows you're working towards taking back your power and I think that is awesome - you can do this ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Yes, I like that: Warrior. We are Warriors. That way trauma doesn't define us but maybe helped make us stronger.
yeah, that's what I feel like - i am in survival mode. And it is NOT fair, yr so right - that we have to pick up the pieces, deal with the trauma and its effects all while fighting for our lives and a better life. Im just hoping that better life, that thriving comes.
Unfortunately, I really cant get out of this toxic family event. Nor get rid of this toxic family - i would have to get rid of my dad to do that. i lost my mom when i was 18. i dont want to have no mother and no father . so i allow myself to be in, emotional harms way...its so sick and i know that.
thank you for saying you are proud of me opening up and writing more and trying to get a handle on everything. It is so hard - im caught in these emotional whirl winds that just end up in paralyzing fear and anger despair.
@blissedNblessed Its not sick - its complicated. Family can be complicated. Sometimes we sacrifice ourselves for something - anything that we can belong to. To have a small piece of family and in some cases something is better than nothing - even if its toxic and poisonous
I'm sorry you lost her so young - it must have been hard just becoming a young adult - when you could have really used some female guidance
It is hard - when all the emotions just swamp you and its like you don't know what to do with yourself and fear and anger seem to come together. When that happens here - I try to do something physical to burn off the anger - sometimes it works - other times it feels like it's going to eat me alive. Fear - sometimes it helps to remind yourself that your safe - do something to ground yourself or talk it out. Some times giving a voice to everything can help those feelings - even if you just say them out loud to yourself
You're welcome - I really do see how hard you're trying
Be gentle with yourself
and you now what you will be ók your tough enough to live through it your tough enough to deal with it in time every thing is time you will heal
@stockings1967
<3 Thank you
That meant a lot to me.
That i am tough enough to survive it and i am tough enough to deal with it.
Same for you !!!!
...i mean you are so right - we SURVIVED, right? that does mean we are strong! I have to remind myself of this...during the times it gets just too much, too overwhelming. When its gets Really hard.
your welcome yeah it's hard it's been over for 40 years for me I still have nightmares because of it that's when you got to look in the mirror and say to your self I'm not fat or ugly I'm wonderful to day I look cute today is my day
@stockings1967
Wow, i feel that - looking i the mirror and not automatically saying im not fat or ugly....
or repeating any of what was said to me. i think i have internalized those messages and those things said to me and i spit them back at myself.
I have become my own worst enemy///which is why im trying to process this past abuse stuff. So i can move forward and heal. it is so hard though.
What are some ways you cope with all of this?
keep my self busy do you now what pom pom socks are I make them I buy the ankle socks and a bag of pom poms and I sew them on my self
I used to take my mom's pom pom socks and wear them to school My dad found out that I was wearing them he beat the shit out of me I remember walking around in school with 2 black eyes I was still wearing my moms pom pom socks I had on pink and blue pom pom socks on with my mom's clogs
@stockings1967
I am so so sorry that your dad beat you like that. It was Not your fault. You have every right to wear pom pom socks if you want to, when you want to and anything else for that matter! ( I think they are super cute). Are those socks a trigger for you now or do you just love the freedom you have now to wear them?
@stockings1967
You made them? I love them! They ar so cute!!!!!! You should totally wear them with pride!!!!!
Thanks for the pic of them!
Awesome!
I do look cute wearing pom pom socks my mom said the same thing she said that I look cute wearing them I saw my mom putting on thigh high stockings I went over to her and rub up and down her lag they felt silk I ask my mom if I can try them on she said no there made for females I said ok she put on pink and green pom pom socks with the stockings I told her she looks sexy wearing them when she left to go to store I went in and put a pair of stockings on blue pair with her red and blue pom pom socks on they felt good on my legs I loved them right away I look cute and comfy wearing them
@blissedNblessed. Hi I saw your question and I’ll try to answer as best I can. I am not an expert and am still learning each day. My partner that I met later in life would complain that I would let people walk all over me. I guess that I got tired of hearing it and started to answer him back and say no to things that I didn’t want to do. He told me that when I say no not to giggle or stare at the floor and fidget. But to say NO firmly. I can do this with him but with other people it is still hard. Little by little I keep trying. I have discovered that some people will make adjustments when I set boundaries while others will not. Then I have to make a decision whether it is worth it to continue in a relationship with the person who will not respect those boundaries. I hope this is helpful. Btw there is usually a S abuse survivors chat on Tuesday’s at 4pm est.
@adventurousBranch3786. *in the trauma room
@adventurousBranch3786
This helps, thank you. I guess I need to start practicing my , No in a firm way - i like how your partner said that you should do it without looking on the floor or giggling or fidgeting. I am really proud that you can do this - even through its hard :)
I have tried to set healthy boundaries as an adult and say no to people i needed to - but sadly most of the people in my life do not accept them at all. ( Sadly, one of them Is a past abuser - no longer abusing though). It is very much like you say, there is a need to seriously consider who to keep in my life that do not listen to my no;s....ugh, some are just so complicated though.
but this gives me hope! a fighting chance at having my words hold some meaning some day :)
ps. Just missed the trauma group chat :( but i will have better timing next week ( i assume its a weekly thing?)
@blissedNblessed. Yes the group chat is weekly. It closed a little earlier yesterday. Sometimes they stay until 6pm. I hope that you won’t be too hard on yourself, learning to set boundaries and say no can be very challenging.