Overwhelmed and struggling
I keep on having these periods where I end up in hospital having passed out and stopped breathing. Latest one of these incidents happened at work right in front of my colleagues and I work in a school so this I've happened in one of the busiest parts of my school.... was so embarrassing.
I can only guess what my colleagues are thinking of me right now. What is wrong with him? Why is this happening? They know it's happened twice at work. I think I'm one of only two people is ever had an ambulance called to work so embarrassing and I can't cope with people thinking about me, talking about me behind my back - I just want to fade into the background.
My wife's really fed up - she is is saying that 85% of the time it's ok but then the 15% of the time where she's getting these calls - he's stopped breathing, I'm having CPR and she's having to explain to my kids what's going on on she's having to look after everything. She is supportive but she's struggling with it. She's cross because it doesn't feel like the doctors are are actually doing anything to stop this, to help deal with this, it's unsustainable. There's no joined up thinking. I see the psych team and they are just talking about the impact, the way I'm feeling and doing nothing about it. I see the neurology team and they are just totally focused on the medical issues, putting me through scan after scan but without anybody sitting back and going this is not working, this does not work.
This is happened now this is the fourth time within the past year and a half and I just can't go on like this. It's exhausting. To be constantly on edge trying to think whether I'm going to end up back in hospital again. And the guilt having to cope with people saying, doctors saying, that some of this is psychosomatic. Makes me question why I can't control it. It makes me so so fed up that have no control over this and yet if it is somehow caused by my my body responding to the stress it's under, I need a way to handle this.
I'm really worried and I don't know what to do. I don't know what my boss is thinking that needs to happen. Whether she's going to send me to occupational health to get assessed. She's right, this cannot keep on happening and I wish I had some answers I really do. But right now all I have these questions.
And hearing my wife last night, I had nothing to say to her as what she was saying was totally understandable. I get where she's coming from. It's just really difficult to handle that I feel so bad for the impact on her, feel so so utterly crap for the stress I'm causing her. But yet no way of stopping it. She is questioning whether I'm looking after myself properly. And I kind of get why she's asking a question as I don't sleep properly. Often I'm the one shuffling around like an old man as I'm not feeling great. And that's the thing that hurt the most last night, hearing her description of me having aged 20 years over the past 2 years. And yet I can't argue with that. My last hospital admission resulted in me coming out with a zimmer frame because I couldn't walk properly. She's right at 43 years old to be shuffling around like an old man on a zimmer frame is just not sustainable.
I wish I had an idea what to do how to to control my body and its response to this stress because I cannot see a solution that involves me reducing the stress I'm under on a daily basis. I have 4 kids I have a job a job that I love but it's stressful job all the same. I have responsibilities, I have things that people expect of me, I've things that must do. And yet I need something I need a way to cope and it doesn't feel like I know that way forward right now.
Grits
@Grits1910
Grits I'm so sorry you're struggling so badly right now. Your situation seems very familiar to me because I also worked at a school when I was going through my major assault trauma on top of unresolved childhood trauma. I felt the same things your saying about people talking about you behind your back people questioning why you're breaking down physically and or mentally. I also left at one point in an ambulance so I understand the embarrassment of that I wanted to crawl under the nearest rock and never come back out. I absolutely hated the thought of people discussing my situation behind my back because they did not know what was going on with me it was the hardest time I have ever had in my life and I have had a lot of bad stuff happened to me over the course of my lifetime. I feel your pain so intensely because I've been there. It actually all came to a head and my therapist put me on medical leave- if she hadn't done that I would have ended up in a mental hospital. Fortunately I applied for FMLA and I used my sick time which I had accrued a lot of over the course of my decades of working there and I was able to pay myself. So for a very long time I was on sick leave and it gave me some time to work through all the trauma I had been through and just give me time to be home and not have to worry about the job, and focus on my healing. It gave me choices on whether I needed to go back at some point or if I needed to go on disability which is what I did. I knew in my heart of hearts I could not go back to that job. Currently I am still on disability and it's been over a year I could still go back to the job if I was well enough to do that or I could stay on disability it just depends on my mental and physical state and I'm still working on it.
It took me a long time to get past and I'm still not completely past it worrying about what people think about me or saying about me. That is a new type of prison being trapped in the thoughts of what people are saying about you thinking about you talking about you gossiping about you. That was one of the hardest things I had to get past , it still bothers me but I've gotten to a point where I hold my head high -this is a small town and I bump into people and I just don't give them information . I don't feed the gossip fodder and I don't gossip about other people because I've never walked in their shoes so they have no idea what I've been through because no one has walked in my shoes and I'm not afraid to tell people that anymore. I pick and choose where I go when I go there and who I hang out with- my circle is extremely small. My husband has been incredibly supportive and I've put him through the ringer. I have to say that he does not know everything about my past because he has his own trauma and I know that it would be really hard for him to handle my stuff. But this is what therapists are for thankfully I have an incredibly good one and I'm able to share everything with my therapist.
Grits the most important thing to do is put yourself + your health first. I realized in my journey that I was useless to everyone else at home and at work because I was in such bad condition mentally and physically and I had to put myself first so I could heal and I could be there for other people the people that matter the people that are important to me. Including my grown-up children. I slept a lot during that time because I needed to.
I was very worried about money during this time but I found a way to get through it financially because I knew if I didn't take care of myself I wouldn't be here at this point. I so desperately wanted to fix myself so that I could have a better life and be there for my kids.
I hope this information helps you at least it will help you to know that you're not alone in your suffering. You're a strong brave person you may not feel that right now but you are because you're a survivor remember not everyone can understand because they have not walked in your shoes and what they think or say is not important what is important is your health.
Best always ABB 💜
@amiableBlackberry92 Thank you for your kind words, and for your explanation of your own situation. It helps to know I'm not alone in this, it really does.
I'm emotionally exhausted, and yet I can't sleep - once again in awake at 3am, unable to sleep, disturbed by nightmares and by being overtired. So bored of this... So bored of feeling like this.
Last time I was in hospital I lost my speech for a few hours...a side effect of what my body was going through. Right now I feel like I'm losing the ability to communicate what I need, how I feel, and I'm just running out of the words I need to express myself.
Grits
@Grits1910
Grits have you considered taking time off from work. I know it sounds impossible and scary, it did to me too. But it was my salvation. I had to go way out of my comfort zone when I initially left. I've never not worked and money is tight for me. I was terrified to be honest. But it was necessary in order to save myself from complete destruction in all ways. I really needed an advocate to step in and be the strong substitute so I could step away from my life. My therapist was that person. I reached out to her for help and I've never asked anyone for anything. Big step for me for sure. I see now it's ok to ask for help. Taking action is a big step but worth it.
I feel worried for you. Especially because your not sleeping. Sleep is soooo important to be able to cope with stress.
I'm here rooting for you anytime you need encouragement. 🙏
ABB 💜
@Grits1910
Just letting you know I was thinking about you and praying things are improving for you. I so relate to all of your struggles. I totally understand the incredibly strength it takes to overcome these challenges your dealing with.
Your very brave in case your not feeling it. And your not alone.
Best
ABB
@Grits1910
I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you and hoping things are improving. I understand your struggles with this situation and the challenges that go with it.
Your very brave and incredibly strong in case you dont feel it right now.
Best always
ABB
@amiableBlackberry92
Good to hear from you. It's been a while since I've been on 7 Cups, for a variety of reasons. Part of me has withdrawn from being here as I don't feel in the right place at the moment, but additionally I haven't had the energy to engage... engage properly that is.
I'm not saying that I'm in a massively different place now, but there are more up days than down at the moment.
I've had some reoccurrences of the same issue I spoke of before, but fortunately have not ended up in hospital this time. It hasn't been any easier to deal with it, but it's made the aftermath easier, as it doesn't affect those around me as much. That doesn't feel like the right attitude to have, but given my knowledge of how things roll when I'm admitted to hospital, I don't feel like it helps in any way.
Meanwhile, the never ending wait for news from the police about my case and the decision whether to prosecute or not continues to lengthen. My police liaison officer is shortly going on maternity leave and she's even said that my case probably won't have got to court before she returns. I'm happy that I'm not losing her support, but feel *** that the most difficult period so far is just getting longer and longer. I feel like I'm on a knife edge, unable to relax, awaiting the decision. I hate feeling this way, but can't help it.
On another front my best friend at work has got a new job and will move on to pastures new quite soon. I'll be sad to see her go, but I have to admit that I won't miss the continued feeling that I'm not that important to her. Every time we speak, it's me initiating contact, not her. Even this morning, I couldn't bring myself to be the one hitting the proverbial ball over the net. It shouldn't be this hard, nor should I feel like I'm not someone of importance to her. I know she's got her own stuff to deal with, but I'd like... No I need to be acknowledged. I went through too much time previously being 'optional', not truly valued, and I don't want to repeat the experience.
I'm missing the opportunity to talk to someone right now as I don't have any ongoing support, counselling or the suchlike. I've had some really hard days when I've felt totally overwhelmed, but I've got through. Guess I need to read my own runes and reach out, just need to get up the energy to do so.
Best wishes to you and thank you for your thoughtfulness as always.
Grits
