Overwhelmed and struggling
I keep on having these periods where I end up in hospital having passed out and stopped breathing. Latest one of these incidents happened at work right in front of my colleagues and I work in a school so this I've happened in one of the busiest parts of my school.... was so embarrassing.
I can only guess what my colleagues are thinking of me right now. What is wrong with him? Why is this happening? They know it's happened twice at work. I think I'm one of only two people is ever had an ambulance called to work so embarrassing and I can't cope with people thinking about me, talking about me behind my back - I just want to fade into the background.
My wife's really fed up - she is is saying that 85% of the time it's ok but then the 15% of the time where she's getting these calls - he's stopped breathing, I'm having CPR and she's having to explain to my kids what's going on on she's having to look after everything. She is supportive but she's struggling with it. She's cross because it doesn't feel like the doctors are are actually doing anything to stop this, to help deal with this, it's unsustainable. There's no joined up thinking. I see the psych team and they are just talking about the impact, the way I'm feeling and doing nothing about it. I see the neurology team and they are just totally focused on the medical issues, putting me through scan after scan but without anybody sitting back and going this is not working, this does not work.
This is happened now this is the fourth time within the past year and a half and I just can't go on like this. It's exhausting. To be constantly on edge trying to think whether I'm going to end up back in hospital again. And the guilt having to cope with people saying, doctors saying, that some of this is psychosomatic. Makes me question why I can't control it. It makes me so so fed up that have no control over this and yet if it is somehow caused by my my body responding to the stress it's under, I need a way to handle this.
I'm really worried and I don't know what to do. I don't know what my boss is thinking that needs to happen. Whether she's going to send me to occupational health to get assessed. She's right, this cannot keep on happening and I wish I had some answers I really do. But right now all I have these questions.
And hearing my wife last night, I had nothing to say to her as what she was saying was totally understandable. I get where she's coming from. It's just really difficult to handle that I feel so bad for the impact on her, feel so so utterly crap for the stress I'm causing her. But yet no way of stopping it. She is questioning whether I'm looking after myself properly. And I kind of get why she's asking a question as I don't sleep properly. Often I'm the one shuffling around like an old man as I'm not feeling great. And that's the thing that hurt the most last night, hearing her description of me having aged 20 years over the past 2 years. And yet I can't argue with that. My last hospital admission resulted in me coming out with a zimmer frame because I couldn't walk properly. She's right at 43 years old to be shuffling around like an old man on a zimmer frame is just not sustainable.
I wish I had an idea what to do how to to control my body and its response to this stress because I cannot see a solution that involves me reducing the stress I'm under on a daily basis. I have 4 kids I have a job a job that I love but it's stressful job all the same. I have responsibilities, I have things that people expect of me, I've things that must do. And yet I need something I need a way to cope and it doesn't feel like I know that way forward right now.
Grits