Major Trigger Warning| Vent about S/A
Hello, Callie, host of the system here. Just here to say this: Content Warning. Mentions of sexual assault, domestic violence, drugs, and self-harm. Some readers will find this disturbing. Reader discretion is advised.
Last night, 5/6/24, I had a very very vivid nightmare of something that happened to me approximately five years ago. As some of you may know, my parents are divorced, and both were abusive. Common, but that is the sad truth. Let me take you back to my point of view.
Imagine you are only twelve years old. Your home isn't feeling like home anymore. The screams and accusing yells echo through the house. You cling to your favorite stuffed animal as the tears run down your face and you hide in the one place they cannot reach. Suddenly, it is quiet. You hear footsteps coming towards you, and you panic. They pause at your door. Your heart pounds, hoping you are not about to be hit and slapped and used as a punching bag again. The footsteps turn and walk away. You exhale a shaky breath, only for fear to grip you as you hear the outraged screams of your 'mother' as your 'father' becomes violent. You cannot take it anymore. In a moment of naivety, you scurry to your closet and grab the hidden laptop. You pull up the site where you have made an adult friend. Quickly, you message him, asking if he can pick you up. You know he will say yes, and you know your parents will not miss you. He replies almost instantly. '👍' You smile. You can't wait to see him. Hurriedly, you pack a bag of things you might need, and wait for his headlights in the distance. When you see them, you climb down from the tree that is under your window, and run to meet him. You climb into his car, and you leave the abuse behind...if only for a few hours.
But...he isn't who he seems. No. In fact, his face will haunt you for the rest of your life. He offers you a cup of water, which you gladly take. You chug it down, to young to know about drugs like sedatives. About 35 minutes later, you start feeling...strange. Suddenly, he pulls into a gas-station parking lot. He pulls you close, and starts to ... touch. You don't know how to feel, and suddenly, he has you under him.
I will spare you the details... they are not pleasant.
Afterwards, he drives you back home, and you are silent. You don't really know what just happened, but it hurt and you didn't like it. You tell him goodnight, and then climb back up your tree and into your bedroom. Suddenly, you feel...disgusting. You pull up the site, and block him, and then delete your account. You cry into your pillow, knowing you can't tell your parents. For the next five years, you keep it a secret...only for it to be discovered by them being told by someone you trusted.
Then, with a gasp...you wake up. It was just a nightmare.
...
Just a nightmare. Just a nightmare for you, reader, but not me. This nightmare happened.
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Tagging friends who might care:
@BuddyWinte , @Harrypotterfanandbooknerd , @AdrienLovesYou23 , @NoahTheListener , @Maeeeeebae999 . Sorry if you got an unwanted tag and/or I triggered you.
@BuddyWinte @Harrypotterfanandbooknerd @AdrienLovesYou23 @NoahTheListener @Maeeeeebae999
Sorry if you got an unwanted tag and/or I triggered you.
@XxDustedSkiiesxX Oh, Im so so sorry. This shouldn't happen to no one ( Im so sorry idk what to say I'm sucky at comfort) Im super proud of you for opening up <3
@XxDustedSkiiesxX 😥😥😥 I understand what beatings are like, and what unwanted underage sex is like😥 in really sorry this happened swetie. I wish I could take away your pain, I'm just a tag away if you ever need to talk ❤
Wow, Callie....I'm truly sorry to hear about what you went through, it must have been difficult to keep such a traumatic experience a secret for so long, especially in an enviorment where you felt unable to confide to your parents.. Discovering that your secret was exposed by someone you trusted prob adds a whole new layer of pain onto the alread exposed and devasting situation. How you holding up since it all came out? Must be a real whirlwind of feelings going on inside you. You being able to talk to anyone bout it, or you dealing with it all alone? Don't gotta carry load by yourself, you know. Sometimes talking can help ease the weight. Just wanna remind you what happened to you wasnt on you, you did what you thought was the best course of action. and that takes some credit. Make sure you give yourself credit for that alright? What made you feel you had to shush about it for so long? (your choice to answer.)
Remember I'm here for you alright? And if you want to vent more to the replies of this thread, go ahead. Please remember, Your not alone.
@BuddyWinte
Thank you so much for tagging me, please continue to tag me on posts like these.
@BuddyWinte
I was quiet about it because I knew my parents wouldn't believe me. They'd tell me I was a liar, and take my computer away. I would have just gotten in way more trouble, and I was scared.
@XxDustedSkiiesxX
Aw, that makes so much more sense. Thank you so much for telling me.
@XxDustedSkiiesxX
I am super sorry this happened to you. To be taken advantage of like that is horrible and unfair. You deserve better, you are amazing and deserve the world and all the love. You have been through bad things and to be honest, you'll learn from it and get better cause of it. It is horrible that you had to go through it but just take it as a way to not go through it again, know the signs, or the signs you have seen. Lots of love coming your way Callie. Love you deeply. -Oak <3
@XxDustedSkiiesxX
can I stab him?! this man needs to be put away for life idc if he's already but I want to hurt him! look you are strong and if I were to be your friend I would hug and hold you for as long as I could in that moment! <3
My heart hurts for you, friend. Being hurt in that way by someone you thought you could trust is nightmarish. And the healing never really stops. If accepted, virtual hugs are offered ❤️
@XxDustedSkiiesxX
Skies 🥺🥺🥺🥺 *asks if it’s ok to sit down next to you, and sits down only if you say it’s ok* skies, dear dear skies, I-, I don’t have words. I, *sigh* I guess I could say sorry, but that wouldn’t mean much, would it? On the outside it’s a nice formality, but I’m sorry does nothing to remove the mountain of thorns and stones and pain and suffering that you endured, and maybe still are. It does absolutely nothing to help that small, frightened, whimpering, terrified little child. I really wish I could say sorry, though. I really wish saying sorry could do all those things.
I was crying, dear, I had tears streaming down my face, reading that story. I cried my heart out, because it hurt me so much, so so much, to think that one of my friends, one of my new, lovely, amazing little friends, had to go through something like this. Dear, I wish I could hug you. I wish I could be there, I wish, oh I so wish I could hold you tight and not let anyone, anyone, do so much as give you a threatening glare. I so wish I could give you a world where mommy and daddy are there for you, love you, kiss you goodnight, hold your shoulders, on their knees, looking at you in the eyes and tell you that you mean the world to them. That nothing would ever, ever, ever, ever dare to harm you while they are there. Because it hurts, when you don’t have that. It hurts to have parents who don’t care, it hurts to live in a home where tears and screams are experienced more often, than smiles and kisses. It hurts to grow up into the world never knowing what it feels like to have someone who loves you through your achievements and your sorrows, through your successes and your mistakes, through your dreams and your heartbreaks. It leaves you alone, broken, afraid. It deprives you of the safety and the love that the world so inherently contains.
But never forget, my friend, you are not alone in this pain. There are people of all shapes and sizes, around the world, that know this pain very, very intimately. I myself am among those. It’s not your fault, darling, that you had to go through all that. But we can’t leave ourselves on the sidewalk. We have to take that part of us, and walk the rest of the way. It’s hard, it’s way harder than most can imagine, and healing from the pain is a lifelong process, but it has to happen. And you won’t be doing it alone. You have me behind you. For now. There are many others on here who have also been through this. Reach out to them. Use their experience and their friendship. It shall do miracles for you. And I highly suggest the book complex ptsd : from surviving to thriving. By Pete walker.
That’s all I have for you for now, skies. I hope I could help you out a little bit. I’m sure I’ll be back with more resources when I can.
Till then,
Your Buddy Grapes 🍇
