If the first one doesn't count
(Hopefully no triggers, but I know triggers can be very tricky)
In other discussion groups, I heard the mantra that that first one doesn't count if it's a rape. But the fact that my first experience was forced and unwanted has left me in a very confusing situation. If the first one doesn't count, then I am a virgin. But I have had some experience, so part of my psyche says that I have acquired that need for sex. But having been through what I have, I cannot even think of forcing anyone else, not even a little. And with my trust destroyed, and my ability to read whether I'm forcing essentially non-existent (I guess from lack of practice), I cannot feel like I'm not forcing if I express any of what I want.
I'm stuck in situation where I have no usuable experience, but have been damaged to the point where I cannot learn to have normal interactions for fear of hurting, possibly very seriously, someone else. How do I learn normal interactions when I am scared that any slight failure may result is serious harm to someone else?
@adventurousCucumber7741
Hey :) you're reallly strong for sharing this, thank you. Somehow you made me feel less alone.
My first experiences were all rapes too so I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm a little older now than I was when it happened and I have managed to regain trust and have super positive experiences of sex. Because it seems like sex is like abuse at first but it really has nothing to do with it. I'm advising for this book now a lot but it helped me so much: The Sexual Healing Journey :) It takes a lot of self-love and time and patience but I promise you that it is possible (i'm living proof :) ).
As to virginity, well, believe me I hate that topic, my whole body goes crazy thinking about it. I think I made my peace, that being said, that maybe "virginity" as in "penetration only" was not my first. My first time was the first time I felt safe and trusting with someone and managed to feel and have so many positive feelings that I called it paradise :) I hope you can open that door for yourself too :)
I hope you find your peace and happiness despite your bad experiences. I'm sending you love and support 
[and yes to triggers, I'm glad you put the first part, I was able to read but I may have gone away if I couldn't have]
@HenrietteK All sex is bad anyway
@AlphaPheonix4720
Mmmh, I beg to differ. Sexual abuse is bad. Sex is at least in my opinion, a human right and one of the beautiful things life has to offer :)
But I'm sorry you feel that way Alpha :(
@HenrietteK Sorry? It's disgusting
@AlphaPheonix4720
hey Alpha, Im really sorry you feel that way. You surely have a good reason for feeling that way and whatever is the reason, it is probably really difficult and painful :( Im sending you support and love. I used to think this way too, and a lot worst things tbh. You can read my story, I posted it in the forum and if you want to chat, or just respnd here, you surely can.
and sexual abuse is disgusting. It is really really disgusting. The act, the fact that it happened to anyone, the person who does the abuse etc. It often makes one feel disgusting because of the shame it creates. But again, it has nothing to do with sex. Nothing at all. Theyre two different things.
Trigger warning - sexual references, venting, and possibly sexist attitudes
@HenrietteK Thanks for your support. I don't really feel strong posting this sort of thing. I went through the stage where I was too scared to post, and finally just reached the point where I could not stay silent. It feels less like strength, and more like finally saying things that need to be said.
When I first posted about my event, (it was on another site,years ago), I was attacked because these things don't happen to guys, because guys cannot be hurt by anything sexual, and because guys are not even allowed (according to some people) to seek support for sexual assault. One person even went so far as to say I must have been the agressor just because I'm the guy. It hurt. So, of course, I stopped again, and ultimately left that site.
I think these sorts of responses ae why guys are VERY loath to even suggest that they might have something to talk about. It's hard to imagine something that hurts more than asking for help, then being attacked as unworthy of help. (Actually - the pain of living with this sometimes hurts more than the pain of being atttacked).
Anyway, I think I've given up needing to feel strong, and feel more like there's nothing left to lose. I guess that's a form of strength.
The one thing I have seen recently is that is finally seems more acceptable for guys to come forward, though my last therapist still didn't believe anything bad could have happened to me. I guess I hope that as we (society) start to accept that it happens, we can find ways of helping everyone, guy or girl, back into society after a bad sexual start.
Thanks for your support.
@adventurousCucumber7741
it is definitely possible (sadly) to be abused as a man and the damage is really bad too :( abuse is abuse. Really, gender should not even be a discussion and I am really sorry people discussed that in the other forum. Theyre sexist in my definition of feminism...
I have been with my boyfriend for quite a while and when I started talking and discovering my underlying trauma with a therapist, I realized my boyfriend has secondary trauma too regarding what happened to me. Sexual abuse affects so many things. Creating safety and letting him feel safe around me is still complicated for him (and not as much for me) sometimes and it does not make him less of a man or whatnot. Hes just doing great so far, all things considered :)
I always worried that I was broken or too hurt for my body to work or that my body stored the pain and wont let go or that it makes me what I am today. Maybe in a weird way it does but its becoming more and more ok as I heal. That being said validation is key, if you felt like it was abuse, its not your therapists place to say it was or wasnt. Your perception is most important!
@adventurousCucumber7741
I very much feel you on that one. Glad to know I'm not alone.
I always had trouble with identifying myself as either a virgin or a non-virgin. Like you I had an experience, but I'm told that it doesn't count. And I'm very conflicted myself whether I want it to count or not. I don't want to lie to myself. My past is part of what makes me me. But I also don't want to see myself as tainted. And it wasn't a normal "full" experience either, so it's hard to know what to make of it.
But even with that aside, I too am very afraid of ever hurting others when acting on my feelings and urges. There hasn't been a single time where I haven't felt guilty, ashamed and abusive, even if I was just thinking about an interaction.
The best advice I can give you is to open up about these feelings to the other person. Tell them if you are afraid, feel guilty, or don't know how to act. They will be able to tell you what they want and what not. And asking for consent is vital in for any close physical interaction. This isn't just specific to you, everyone should ask first and make sure the situation is safe for both sides. So definitely don't be afraid to do this.
You don't have to be ashamed, and you're not alone.
I'm glad that you shared this, because now I know I'm not the only one who feels broken in this regard ❤️❤️
Trigger warning - possible sexist attitudes
@Soe22 Thanks for letting me know others have te same problem. It always felt very much like 'unqiuely my issue', so nobody knew how to, or even wanted to, help.
Unfortunately, for me, there was never the 'other person' to discuss it with. I tried ignoring it while dating, in which case things never go anywhere and the girl gets fed up and leaves. And I tried discussing it early in the dating, and the girl gets disgusted and leaves. It feels like whether I try to talk abouut it or not, the girl always leaves before anything even gets close to happening. Needless to say, that left me feeling like the problem was not the trauma, but something completely unacceptable about me.
Trigger warning - possible sexist attitudes
@Soe22 Thanks for letting me know others have te same problem. It always felt very much like 'unqiuely my issue', so nobody knew how to, or even wanted to, help.
Unfortunately, for me, there was never the 'other person' to discuss it with. I tried ignoring it while dating, in which case things never go anywhere and the girl gets fed up and leaves. And I tried discussing it early in the dating, and the girl gets disgusted and leaves. It feels like whether I try to talk abouut it or not, the girl always leaves before anything even gets close to happening. Needless to say, that left me feeling like the problem was not the trauma, but something completely unacceptable about me.
@adventurousCucumber7741
I can relate to people being fed up because things weren't going anywhere in -that- direction. But both this and the girls being disgusted with you are some major red flags that you shouldn't be with that person anyway.
If you keep putting yourself out there there will be someone actually caring and loving. Someone will have the natural patience any human being should have when it comes to giving the other person time to feel okay with the next step. People aren't all jerkheads. And any actual adult would be glad to have someone that wants to communitcate instead of not putting in their thoughts and care about the other person. Communication is key and if they don't think that's true then that really speaks for them as people to be honest.
@adventurousCucumber7741 All sex is bad anyway.
