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adventurousCucumber7741
3,404 M Seeking Light 1
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts67 Forum posts8 Forum upvotes8 Current upvotes8 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2020 Member sinceApril 4, 2020
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If the first one doesn't count
Trauma Support / by adventurousCucumber7741
Last post
 April 12th, 2020
...See more (Hopefully no triggers, but I know triggers can be very tricky) In other discussion groups, I heard the mantra that that first one doesn't count if it's a rape. But the fact that my first experience was forced and unwanted has left me in a very confusing situation. If the first one doesn't count, then I am a virgin. But I have had some experience, so part of my psyche says that I have acquired that need for sex. But having been through what I have, I cannot even think of forcing anyone else, not even a little. And with my trust destroyed, and my ability to read whether I'm forcing essentially non-existent (I guess from lack of practice), I cannot feel like I'm not forcing if I express any of what I want. I'm stuck in situation where I have no usuable experience, but have been damaged to the point where I cannot learn to have normal interactions for fear of hurting, possibly very seriously, someone else. How do I learn normal interactions when I am scared that any slight failure may result is serious harm to someone else?
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One night cost me my adult life
Trauma Support / by adventurousCucumber7741
Last post
 April 4th, 2020
...See more Many years ago, when I was young and attending university, I randomly met a woman who said she was going to kill herself. I tried talking to her, to coax her away from the water. From the start of the conversation to the next morning is all hidden behind a memory block, so I don't really know what happened. It seems that night was my first sexual experience, presumably because she felt she needed it. For the next few months, I forgot about it, literally; I had no conscious memory of it. But it affected my sleep enough that I went to see help. The psychiatrist simply gave me sleeping pills, and though I started sleeping again, the experience was one again buried. I had a few years of failed attempts to get into relationships, figuring that it was just that I was not very attractive, in whatever way mattered. Somewhere in there, I realized that I had had that unwanted experience and tried again to find help, only to find out that psychiatrists at the time didn't believe guys could be raped, and rape support was only available to women. I got very depressed, including some missing weekends, but managed to bury it all again and try to just live life, though still with no successful relationships. Years later, a few years ago now, I tried for help again. This time, to avoiid any risk of drugs, I went to psychologists, rather than psychiatrists. From that I learned about PTSD, and feel this describes me well, including symptoms I had not realized were connected. I'm sure I've missed a lot of the story, but hopefully this is, at least, enough of an introduction. Shaking so bad I'm going to get a cup to drink ...
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