I don't know what to do.
So yesterday I went over to a friend's house. (I'm a girl and he's a boy) (we can call him Andy). So Andy and I have been friends for a couple years and it got a little rocky over the summer but we got over it although we weren't as close as we used to be. The night before yesterday we talked on the phone till like 6 am which is a really long time and we talked about relationships and stuff. We had hung at his house before and we'd chill in his room and it was cool, totally platonic because we were just good friends and nothing more.
Last night was different. I could just feel how different it was when I got to his house.
When I got to his house it was around 1 pm and he told me to wait outside around the corner so I wouldn't have to talk to his parents and at first I was like okay what the hell but he explained that it'd just be easier since I wasn't supposed to be in his room. Anyways 15 minutes passed and his dad was still there so he just came out and said we could drive around. We ended up getting lunch and when we got back to his house his dad was gone.
His grandmother and little brother was still there so it was cool.
We got to his room and decided on watching Mama, the horror movie. So I laid on his bed and everything was cool but he laid next to me and got under the covers and told me to get under too. I didn't think much of it because we were such good FRIENDS that I was like okay. It was cold anyways.
Ahhh I'm running out of character space.
I've also been following this story as you were posting...I will say though that I saw where it was going so I expected it to be much worse. So I'm glad you were able to leave without it getting much much worse...you did a good thing there, by leaving...and don't let your regret for staying a bit and kissing him make you forget that you still ultimately found the strength to get out of there. Try not to best yourself up over what you did in a moment of panic. Because he's the one who is truly at fault. He just lost a friend no doubt (I don't think he's worth having as a friend anymore) and idk I'm not good at talking about stuff but yeah. Don't be so hard on yourself about it.
*beat
@Phthalo
i agree with you!
@Phthalo Thanks and yeah I don't think him and I are going to be friends anymore. It's so weird though because he's not the type of guy to do that type of stuff.
Do you think I should talk to him about it?
I'm sort of scared of him now.
@jooordan I'm not sure, and I think maybe you'd benefit from talking to other people who have experienced this sort of thing and see what they did, but ultimately if you don't feel comfortable talking to him then I don't see a reason why you should.
I wanted to help you to not be so hard on yourself for kissing him.
I had a similar experience many years ago with a man I met once for an Internet date. In the middle of the date we were sitting in the car, and he pulled his erection out of his pants and asked if I wanted to taste it. I felt this overwhelming urge to not make him feel awkward, so I politely declined and asked him to put it away, and then I tried to keep the conversation going as if nothing had happened. Later on he stopped the car on the side of the road and ended up half on my side of the car, grabbing my arm and forcing my hand to massage his groin. I kept pulling away and he kept forcing my hand back. He started kissing me, and even though I wanted none of this and kept trying to pull away, I did kiss him back. I had no capacity to actually say "no," but I didn't know that I lacked this ability until I was in that situation. Eventually he decided that we had gone far enough for our first date, and he dropped me off at home. I never saw him again, but I remember being so confused about why I kissed him back - why I made out with him. I felt like I had somehow led him on and it was my fault.
I am currently working on my PhD in science, and I study stress responses. Most of us have heard of "fight or flight" responses, which are active behaviours that enable you to aggressively confront a threat or run away from a threat. However, these responses are only adaptive if you actually have the strength and time to fight or flee. The flip side of fight or flight is "freeze and appease." If you can't fight or run away, then next most adaptive thing is to either freeze (remain very still/quiet until the threat is over) or appease the aggressor by placating him/her with submissive/friendly behaviours. The latter is what I think happened to myself, to you, and to many other women who find themselves alone with a sexually aggressive person who happens to be physically larger and much stronger. It is basic instinct to escape the experience with as little trauma as possible, and so your body engages behaviours that contradict what you, as a person, actually want, but that also increase your chances of preserving your body/life. Your body would rather you live with regret than lose your life. It's like, when you're hungry you seek food; when you're thirsty you find water; when you're threatened by a person who has the capacity to significantly hurt you, you submit and try to please. It's automatic, and if you don't understand what is happening to you during the situation, you end up doing what feels most natural in the moment (what your body is telling you to do), even if it completely contradicts your values and personal desires.
There is nothing for which to feel ashamed. It's natural, physiological, and basic survival.
@adamabinta
You don't understand how much this helps me. This makes me feel so much better oh my goodness I want to cry. Thank you thank you thank you for explaining this to me thank you so much thank you. It makes so much sense. Thank you thank you
@jooordan
You are very welcome. It took me until graduate school to learn this information. Until then, when I thought of that night with that man, a part of me hated myself for not fighting or saying no. Now I see report after report of women who have been sexually assaulted, and their character is challenged because they might not have said "no" or maybe they kissed back, yet these women adamantly say that they never wanted it. If you've never been in that situation - if you've never felt that vulnerable and at the mercy of someone who is aggressive and much stronger than you - you cannot understand what lengths your body will go to preserve itself. And then what usually happens afterwards (in the coming days or weeks) is that the survivor naturally tries to rewrite the narrative by continuing to be friendly with his/her aggressor, because if they laugh and do "normal" people things afterward then maybe it didn't really happen. Maybe it wasn't assault and it was all just a big misunderstanding; but that rewrite usually comes with a lot of confusion and guilt. I wish sexual education taught kids and teenagers about these stress responses, and especially taught young men what genuine consent actually looks like.
I really hope that you continue to feel better, and that you learn from this experience going forward. You might be in a similar situation down the road with another man, and it helps to understand why your body does what it does so you have more choice in how you respond.
