Body Memories/flashbacks
I went back and forth if I should post this topic. For me, it is drenched with SHAME and it is TERRIFYING and embarrassing.
I am going to quote here, what body memories are because they can say it better than I can:
"... Body memories can be described as a physical reexperiencing of the traumatic event(s). In other words, your nervous system and your body experience the feelings and sensations you experienced during the original traumatic event. These memories may be explicit (you have always remembered them) or implicit (not connected to a linear story line). Implicit memories can happen for any traumatic event and may be particularly common if you were under the influence of alcohol or drugs, were a child during the abuse, or if the abuse happened over a prolonged period of time."( https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/body-memories-grounding-in-sexual-trauma-therapy-0329175)
Does anyone else experience this?
What have you found that works for you to ground yourself? In my experience, these body memories or flashbacks do not lessen with grounding - though there is so much evidence that it can. I just have not been able to. And even if I do ground myself - I still FEEL it. And then the shame and fear rolls over me like deep waves and I just cant get out of it.
I know this is deeply personal and there are so many intense emotions attached to this which makes it so hard to talk about. I thought that maybe, I could step out of my shame and bring this up.
@blissedNblessed
Hello Blissed!
I am so so so proud of you for reaching out. It is so inspirational for other people, including me, it takes courage, you know?:)
I am insanely sorry that you have been experiencing those events. I fully understand The neverending loop of pain. I used to experience similar body sensation states. And therefore, i have to tell you that you are wonderfully strong and amazing human being… and being human being takes to struggle as well. So keep going you are much stronger than anything else. You are you and that should be your superpower.
I pity all of your pain and i hold it delicately with such a compassion close To my heart.
What can help is to close your eyes, place both of your hands on The part of your body Where you feel that pinch of The past and any sensations, breath to your abdomen slowly and mindfully and focus on your breath, As well as focus your presence on that certain spot under your hands, focus on that pain and heaviness. Accept The heaviness and its presence, be with it, talk with it, sit with it.
I am always here for you. Ill be thinking of you in The upcoming days. Dont ever hesitate to reach out.
Sending strenght, energy and hugs.
Lots of love,
🌸Hana🌸
@Livingtohelplive
Thank you so much for reminding me of my strength and courage. ❤️ And for sharing with me that I am not alone and you have experienced this - it is so debilitating!
I appreciate your compassion and it really means so much to me - and even though accepting compassion is hard for me, I am allowing myself to take this in.
I am going to try the grounding exercise that you wrote. I think what's going to be so hard is actually Touching the body where I feel the past; connecting with my body - this body is mine. And accepting it's presence, the physical sensations and the emotions associated with it. To be still and to talk to it. But I can see how it not only could be grounding, but also so healing.
Thank you for letting me know that I am welcome to reach out to you. Reaching out is so hard for me. This helps :)
*Accepting the strength, energy and hugs. Sending you compassion, good vibes and lots of safe hugs*
@blissedNblessed. I did EMDR therapy for my body memories about 5 years ago. I still get body memories daily. But since that therapy I find them more unpleasant instead of the devastation and shame that I felt for most of my life. I have met people here who did not find EMDR therapy helpful and some people who could not tolerate it at all.
@adventurousBranch3786
Can I ask you, what is EMDR therapy? Is that the one with the flashing lights and eye movements?
( I am so glad that you do not have the shame and debilitating devastation now that goes with the body memories. )
@blissedNblessed Yes it involves eye movements. In my case the therapist moved her fingers back and forth and I followed with my eyes. I have read that other things can be used. Also the therapist would do body scans during the session. She would go thru each body area and ask me what I was feeling there. There are some other steps to EMDR therapy.
@adventurousBranch3786
I was kind of thinking, a while back, to try that. But to be honest - I do not think I could handle the body scans. It is so scary for me to be connected to my body. Yet, at the same time, facing that fear, head on and with support, might help. Thanks for the information links - I am going to go read them and learn a little more. I know there is a clinic that offers this near my house. Again, super worried about connecting to my body and in front of another - but, I do want to read up on this to see if this is something that I might be able to do. Thank you for sharing this with me.
Do you have a hard time with connecting to your body? Just asking to see how you reacted to emdr , if you Had/have that issue that I have.
@blissedNblessed Trigger Warning If you don’t feel ready you know what’s best for you. There is no rush at all. I couldn’t even speak the words out loud about the sensations until I was almost 60 years old. I tried to avoid triggers and somehow block the sensations but as I tried to block them they came back stronger. I was so filled with shame and guilt it was overwhelming. The therapist had some good reviews and she seemed to have experience, so I decided to take the leap with her. It was very hard during the therapy but I was able to tolerate it. Allowing myself to feel the sensations there with her did turn out to be helpful for me. Of course not everything that works for one person works for another as I have learned here. I hope that this helps.
@adventurousBranch3786
Yeah, I don't think that I would be able to do that right now; being in my body feels too dangerous, shameful and triggering a lot of the time. I am hoping that will ease up the more I work on processing the traumas.
I feel you on not being able to Speak, Out Loud, the words to describe the sensations. Even thinking about them , what they mean - what they are - sending me wanting to run. Shame, just so much shame, all consuming, shame.
Makes sense the more you tried to block it and fight it the stronger they got. It's like that beach ball example in ACT therapy - the harder you try to push the beach ball down under the water, the more force it pops back up with. I guess it Is about acceptance of what is ( enter, mindfulness).
I am really proud of you that you took the leap with her and reaped the benefits. It would have been just so easy to give up - but you didn't! That's strength!
Do you think the EMDR helped you to feel more comfortable in your own body? That is a goal of mine. Because right now, I can't even do yoga because of that connection to the body and sitting with that.
@blissedNblessed It didn’t erase the body memories completely but my distress level decreased a lot with the EMDR therapy. I started with 10 out of 10 body distress level. Now I feel between 0-2 out of 10 distress level. (This is how it was measured in EMDR)
@adventurousBranch3786
oh wow - that is a really big difference in distress! It really went down! And that makes sense - it doesn't go away - the body memories, but the distress level that accompanies them, does.
Maybe I am shooting for unrealistic expectations - i just want them to go away. but i guess, id settle for eventually the distress of them to go away instead. i guess it also is affected by how we think of them and the shame we attach to them.
im kind of struggling with them today :( Woke up to some, another came later in the morning. (Still kinda there). its hard to keep focus and stay present and not just want to rip my skin open and escape my body. im trying to ...sit with them, accept it - and continue on with my day.
i guess i have made some improvement because i am not a pile of broken pieces on the floor right now. trying to think of it as just a sensation with no meaning...if that makes sense.
lucky that this am's body memories are not the ones that send me off the cliff .
@blissedNblessed