[TW] Difficulties in speaking up for myself
Hello everyone,
I have CPTSD from my abusive mom. Whenever I tried to tell her how I felt or what I thought, she dismissed them or if she felt unpleasantness, she would physically abuse me so I stopped talking. Now, in real life, when there is a conflict or when I feel unpleasantness, I either shut down or run away from the conversation, situation or the person. This way, I am not able to maintain any relationship...
I am wondering if it is possible to do some practice, with some pretend scenarios, in this safe place. Could someone help me to practice on how I could speak up for myself?
With love,
Flora
@turquoiseBranch8244
This is a place where i am sure more then a few people can relate to the situation.....
when speaking up for yourself .... i am not sure what type of practice you can achieve the similar feelings that can arise in the moment in life when you need to make a stand.
it is hard and can be scary but i found after doing it a few times it becomes easier and easier .......
@toughTiger6481
Thank you for your reply. Um..... I was thinking... if I get some practices in organizing my thoughts and expressing them, then I would have one less thing to worry when I am in that situation in life... then maybe it would be easier for me to handle? I am not sure really... I am also not used to discussing ideas and stuff... maybe this would also help me in expressing things in general...
@turquoiseBranch8244
It is worth a try ..... but like practicing job interviews for example ....... practice is great but in the real thing you often face different questions/ comments then you had planned for ...
@toughTiger6481
Yea, I do understand, just like mock exams, practices just practices... better than nothing, right?
@turquoiseBranch8244
I would agree that it is making an attempt and is better then doing nothing ....
start small and believe me it will become easier.
sure what scenario do you want to start with?
there are different approaches in speaking up based on whom you may be talking to
family and friends you probably want to take a softer " i feel" statements... and may take a few conversations for it to sink in
in real life applications you might be a more forceful and clear on your position.
@toughTiger6481
I think my major concern is talking to people who is either mad or who is authoritative, like at work with bosses or clients... maybe we can try something that happens at work?
@turquoiseBranch8244
Sorry i was out of town for a few days....
I understand your dealing with bosses or other people in authority ..... I find it is easier when you really see they are human too ..... You may want to pick your words a bit more carefully for example with friend and family i tend to not speak as formal. Most bosses i have come in to contact with appreciate a direct to the point conversation that was thought out considering others perspectives....
Like in a debate class....... many teachers will have you take the point of view different then your own so you carefully research the points you may not have considered.
not have
@turquoiseBranch8244
Hello, Fiona, I'm sorry to hear that you grew up in an abusive environment, where your mother dismissed your feelings and thoughts and essentially used you as a punching bag. I'm not surprised that you shut down when there is conflict and unpleasant feelings; it makes sense because your body and mind has learned to do so to survive. When you grow up in a world with a chaotic, angry parent, you learn that the world is not safe, and you protect yourself from future harm by withdrawing and not being mentally present. I wouldn't be surprised if you learned to tune out and numb yourself when your mother was yelling at you, and that these have translated and become apparent in everyday interactions.
I feel for your troubles maintaining relationships. Maintaining close relationships is hard with CPTSD because getting close to someone or having them in your space means a greater possibility that you will be emotionally hurt. Of course, you would instinctively flee or run away then, because who wants to get hurt or be damaged? It can be easier sometimes just to leave. However, it's not healthy, and you deserve to have people around you that you can trust and be close to.
It's a slow process to draw your boundaries and trust others, but you can eventually develop this courage with practice and time. Trust often requires confiding into others personal information, thoughts, feelings, which may bring up a lot of difficult emotions but it will allow you to grow closer to people that you care about. And practicing boundaries, saying things like "no" and keeping your position if someone tries to undermine you and you don't agree, is a powerful thing. You have the right to say "no" and to choose for yourself. If you would like to practice speaking up in certain situations, I could mock-text you certain example situations and then you can tell me how you would reply and what you would do in that situation. You can also tell me more about experiences with your mother and situations you have had with friends with the past because talking about it can help you process what happened and think differently about what you may do in the future so that things may turn out in a way that you're more satisfied with. Feel free to reach out to me!
