@turquoiseBranch8244
Hello, Fiona, I'm sorry to hear that you grew up in an abusive environment, where your mother dismissed your feelings and thoughts and essentially used you as a punching bag. I'm not surprised that you shut down when there is conflict and unpleasant feelings; it makes sense because your body and mind has learned to do so to survive. When you grow up in a world with a chaotic, angry parent, you learn that the world is not safe, and you protect yourself from future harm by withdrawing and not being mentally present. I wouldn't be surprised if you learned to tune out and numb yourself when your mother was yelling at you, and that these have translated and become apparent in everyday interactions.
I feel for your troubles maintaining relationships. Maintaining close relationships is hard with CPTSD because getting close to someone or having them in your space means a greater possibility that you will be emotionally hurt. Of course, you would instinctively flee or run away then, because who wants to get hurt or be damaged? It can be easier sometimes just to leave. However, it's not healthy, and you deserve to have people around you that you can trust and be close to.
It's a slow process to draw your boundaries and trust others, but you can eventually develop this courage with practice and time. Trust often requires confiding into others personal information, thoughts, feelings, which may bring up a lot of difficult emotions but it will allow you to grow closer to people that you care about. And practicing boundaries, saying things like "no" and keeping your position if someone tries to undermine you and you don't agree, is a powerful thing. You have the right to say "no" and to choose for yourself. If you would like to practice speaking up in certain situations, I could mock-text you certain example situations and then you can tell me how you would reply and what you would do in that situation. You can also tell me more about experiences with your mother and situations you have had with friends with the past because talking about it can help you process what happened and think differently about what you may do in the future so that things may turn out in a way that you're more satisfied with. Feel free to reach out to me!
