I hate nightmares
I suffered from child physical and emotional abuse since I have memory until I ran away to be victim of sexual abuse by a stranger. Then I came back to my home, and the physical abuse kind of stopped (not completely but was not worse than before) and the emotional abuse increase tremendously. I am now 25 years old, manage to runaway as soon as I turn 18 and now I am a functional depressed young adult, with high anxiety, cptsd, chronic pain (scars left from my childhood) and so on.
And honestly one of the things that I hate the most of all are nightmares. I feel tired most of the time, I believe is the depression, life is hard for me and I know that it might be for everyone but I have this belief that I am oka different level of pain that most of the people surround me don't understand. I am always tired, is hard for me to function, intrusive thoughts are part of my day to day, I fight with that voice in my head that is myself, telling me constantly how comforting not existing anymore would be. But I feel too responsible for dying, and I cant do it either wa. But I really, really, really can't stand nightmares. They are about every little action or abuse that at some point hurt me, my mind always goes back to those places in my dreams, I am always a victim in my dreams and I hate it! I feel so scared and afraid in my dreams, I feel so dumb and without the power to stand up for myself and then I wake up, scared, agitated, upset and tired! Physically tired and emotionally, my nightmares drains me out. I wake up feeling a hughe weight on my shoulders, feeling awkward and not part of my own self. People around me don't get it: how could I be so happy the prior day and next day just want to lay all day in silence? I'm tired to explain it. I just want some good sleep for god sake. I just want to stop going back to my childhood/teen/adult fears whenever I am just planning to take a rest. Man, I just want to rip It off out of my head but I can't. And i feel worthless, and stupid, and the cycle comes again. I'm hungry but I doy want food, I don't deserve it. I'm not alone but I feel like I do. I want to live but I feel that is too painful to be in here. I want to stop what no one stopped before but I am unable to change the past and is now tormenting my daily routine when I'm supposed to finally have peace outside that home. I want to write my heart out, because I can't cry anymore, I am just tired to be.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that if you wanna rant it out more in here for that, been a victim of abuse in my childhood as well so i understand.
I'm really sorry you're struggling with nightmares. I also have frequent nightmares and yes they do suck. I also have PTSD and was abused as a child. Remember you are not alone there are a lot of people out there who struggle with nightmares. If you need to talk message me anytime.
I had a trauma when I was in fifth grade, and it had scarred me for life. Definitely see it as emotional abuse, although it lasted for a mere 2 months, it had changed my mental life forever. From that incident, I developed a fear for any male figure that I felt uncomfortable looking at (either because of their appearance or their tone of voice). This became a huge problem for me throughout my schooling, up until a graduated from high school. This fear was at its climax from grades 7-10. I had nightmares nearly every day. Repeating that trauma but in a physical way, and it kept me very distracted during class. Getting only about 10 hours of sleep per week, thinking back, I have no idea how I even functioned. I see it now that I probably had to thank my depression, that as one positive thing about it, was that even with the lack of sleep, I didn't feel tired.
I remember I had two nightmares that lasted for a week, every night, it would repeat a certain scene, then each night, it would be a different outcome. Although still negative, but whenever I woke up from it, it played out differently. In my early 20s, I got help and went to see a few Psychologists, when I finally came across one that really helped me. With her, I was able to register under the Victim Protection Act, and have my sessions covered. With every nightmare I've ever dreamt of, I had always remembered everything in detail. So, when I told her what I had dreamt of, she deciphered my dreams. The way she explained it, is completely different than what you read in books that explains what dreams are. She connected it to my life in real-time, it was actually quite fascinating to see how it was linked. Nowadays, I still get those scary nightmares maybe once a month, and I still wake up in fear, have heart palpitations, and afraid to go back to sleep.
I hope you are able to find therapy that works for you. You have suffered enough, you deserve to have a better life and be free from these nightmares and abuse. I know that we cannot erase the past, and it will be apart of the remainder of our lives, but at least, we could work on keeping it buried deep in our minds and not allow it resurface to affect our present lives.
@Rebecca503
@Rebecca503
My heart goes out to you. I am diagnosed with ptsd related to several different forms of trauma, and I also experience horrific nightmares. One thing that has helped me is training myself in lucid dreams. Now I am able to essentially detect that I am dreaming within a dream and wake myself. Upon waking I am able to regulate my physical-emotional response through breath work and grounding techniques. This takes years of practice and I know it's not easy. It's not a cure all and I still have nightmares that leave me shaken and in tears.
In the beginning the only thing that helped me was sitting outside in the sunshine and chain smoking until the feeling passed. I have always had visceral nightmares that in many ways can be re-traumatizing. It helps to understand that this is our mind's way of sorting things out and there are things we can do to aid in that process.
I hope this helps in some small way, and you get some rest. Sleep is truly so important.
@Rebecca503 yeah nightmares suck . I understand all too well how they can leave you drained of anything good everytime they grace us with there presence. All the progress we made so far seems to a huge blow when it comes. But that's what it is "seems ". Yet the imagination are so real to us that we can't ignore. Ever tried things just before you go to sleep that can kinda distract your mind. For me meditation, light exercise, fun conversation, making my own jokes(I know , that's a rare hobby), word puzzle works. Any guess if any of them can be useful for you!
