Feeling submissive as a symptom of past abuse/PTSD
So, I (attempt to) help others for a living. I think it's my way of finding purpose, healing, and getting my power back in some odd way. My job title requires that I be assertive, at least to some degree, which is healthy. However, I find that when my PTSD symptoms flare up, especially if I'm triggered, I become small, submissive, and almost "childlike' in ways, which is so embarrassing to me.
Today the onsite nurse where I work told me that she would love to see me actually get mad because I'm so quiet and "timid" (ugh, I hate this word) at times when I often speak. I know why this happens as a trauma response. Being small, quiet, and "timid" helped me survive living with a severely mentally unwell parent that was prone to being very violent and unpredictable. I went through 18 years of that, and then some once I became an adult and moved out to get away from the abuse.
I truly don't think my coworker meant to be hurtful or anything, and was talking in a light-hearted manner, but all this to say, I felt vulnerable and deeply embarrassed, not to mentioned triggered. I feel the most upset because I work with a therapist of my own and am often putting a lot of work into managing my symptoms and being proactive, bettering myself, etc., and it hurts that it is still so obvious that I am a traumatized, scared little girl inside. I wish others did not notice this, but that is not real. Even more so, I am a parent who wants to be a healthy role model for my child, and I feel like I am failing. I feel like I am failing my clients, who need to see me be healthy and assertive.
I rambled a lot to get those feelings out...They need to come out. Just a question to others in this community: Do any of you often feel like this? Do you feel small, weak, afraid, vulnerable at times, and even "timid" (I particularly hate this word because my abusive mother used to use this on me constantly to berate me). And how do you cope with this? If you've managed these symptoms well, how so?
Thanks to anyone who has made it this far. If you feel even remotely like I do at times, I'm sorry you have to go through it.
@OceanWaves37
I have an abusive mom too. As well as an abusive stepfather.
“Do any of you often feel like this?”
I used to feel the way you do for a very very long time in my life, yes.
”Do you feel small, weak, afraid, vulnerable at times, and even "timid" (I particularly hate this word because my abusive mother used to use this on me constantly to berate me).”
Again I used to feel all these ways about myself for such a long time but not anymore.
”And how do you cope with this?”
My way of coping with it was not healthy. At least that’s what you’ll be told by any medical or healthcare professional. Healthy or not it worked for me and it turned out to be better for me as it helped me. I coped by isolating myself. That helped me by allowing me to find out what I could do on my own and rely/depend on myself, not anyone else for anything. It also showed me what I needed to work on.
”If you've managed these symptoms well, how so?”
Honestly I haven’t managed this situation when I was in it in the best way all the time but most of the time I did, especially now. Everyone has a breaking point. It’s just “built in” us. Whenever I blew up, got mad, angry, however you wanna word it, it’s bc I had reached my breaking point or my limit of tolerance or patience with a certain person or people, or situation or anything. But it was always done in the house. Never outside, never around guests, bc I always treated this as a a private matter between whoever or whatever I had the problem with and myself so I always kept it that way. But that’s when I reached my breaking point. It’s more rare now bc I’ve kept my distance from the people who abuse me or wrong me in any other way, listen to music, laugh, dance, enjoy myself, have fun with myself and in my own company, tell myself all the positive things about myself and in my life, tell myself how much I’ve endured and keep telling myself I’ll get through this and this is only temporary and it’ll change for the better and be better, etc etc etc etc etc. That’s how I’ve managed my situations.
Please reach out to me if you need help or wanna talk or having any trouble. Talking to someone can help. Talking to someone who’s been in the same or a similar situation as you can help more as they’ll understand you better than those who haven’t experienced it yet. Hoping to hear from you but it’s completely up to you :)
Sending you all the best wishes, best luck, support, hugs and ❤️❤️❤️ you need.
@akunknown Thank you for the supports and hugs, I appreciate it. I like that you spoke about how you've told yourself about all that you have endured and speak positivity to yourself. I think I need to do this more often when I'm triggered by something like this instead of going into automatic negative thoughts about myself. Again, thanks so much, this was very helpful to me. It just helps to know I'm not alone in this.
@OceanWaves37
Happy to help out my friend ❤️❤️❤️ Good luck to you with all this 👍👍
I relate to this. I joined 7cups this morning and have been blown away by some of these insights.
I have been struggling to find myself or to even leave my home for over a decade. I feel exposed the moment I walk outside. Its as if the world knows I am broken.
So, please, be proud of yourself for what you can do and have already overcome. <3
