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OceanWaves37
3 631 M Embraced 5
This too shall pass.
PathStep 5 Compassion hearts82 Forum posts10 Forum upvotes32 Current upvotes32 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2024 Member sinceJune 26, 2023
Bio

Wanting to be a better individual, mother, friend, helper to those around me, better human being in general. Deep-rooted childhood trauma, diagnosed with PTSD, GAD, and working on it all every day. I also work in mental health. Takes one to know one, amirite? 😜

Recent forum posts
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Now I have to be Selfish, and It HURTS
Trauma Support / by OceanWaves37
Last post
December 14th, 2024
...See more I found out I'm pregnant with my second child. I work a demanding, draining, and honestly not-worth-the-pay job. I love my work as a counselor and helping clients, but the job is such a drain and full of so much bureaucratic *** that I don't get a lot of time to really provide quality care that I want to. Office politics. Certain people in positions of power get to show up late every day and skimp on their work with no repercussions, while us "grunts" always pull the slack and get jumped if things do not get done properly, which certainly does happen when one clinician is doing the work of three people at any point in time.  If I'm being one hundred percent honest, it's toxic, which is ironic since it's supposed to be a program to help others. My son already suffers enough from me working so much overtime at times. I took the job because it was all I could get with my degree. My husband couldn't keep us all up financially anymore and I had to work. I got a year and a half experience here and I'm DONE. I already placed an application for some remote work and I have a backup just in case. Now that I'm pregnant, exhausted, hormonal, and already stretched to the max, I am ready to go. I'd quit tomorrow if I could, but I have to give one months' notice, which I will this coming week.  Not gonna lie, I'm terrified of change, even if I know it's the right thing to do for myself and my kid and future baby. I'm just *** TIRED. I work all the time, try to parent my toddler with utmost exhaustion, and feel guilty because I'm spending more time on a job that doesn't care than anything in general.  I'm on the verge of tears as I type this. I miss my little boy. I miss peace of mind.  I do consider going back to the helping profession, but I need a break. I don't need to do this to myself- my family. I'm constantly on call in some way. Group chat going off at any hour of the night asking work-related *** questions. There have been days I've worked over, went home to calm down, only to be called about some *** something that could probably wait. Even worse if it couldn't wait, because then it's an emergency. Ugh. I'm crying now.  I held on so long to gain the experience. Now I have it for my resume in the future. I'm done. Worst of all, due to past abuse, I will feel GUILTY, no matter what. No way out of it.  I had a good talk with my own therapist today, and she solidified it for me. It's time for me to move on. She told me that unfortunately community mental health often does not provide an environment for good therapists to thrive.  I know I'm not some great therapist, but I feel like a *** one here.  I just want to work at whatever part-time to make ends meet, spend more time with my boy and his future sibling while they're little, and then I'll go back, get my masters, and stay the *** away from the place I work now.  It hurts so bad. I wish it didn't hurt so bad to put myself first. Trauma has caused this. ***! Thanks for listening. I'll be okay. One day at a time now until my last day of work.   
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Feeling submissive as a symptom of past abuse/PTSD
Trauma Support / by OceanWaves37
Last post
July 12th, 2024
...See more So, I (attempt to) help others for a living. I think it's my way of finding purpose, healing, and getting my power back in some odd way. My job title requires that I be assertive, at least to some degree, which is healthy. However, I find that when my PTSD symptoms flare up, especially if I'm triggered, I become small, submissive, and almost "childlike' in ways, which is so embarrassing to me.  Today the onsite nurse where I work told me that she would love to see me actually get mad because I'm so quiet and "timid" (ugh, I hate this word) at times when I often speak. I know why this happens as a trauma response. Being small, quiet, and "timid" helped me survive living with a severely mentally unwell parent that was prone to being very violent and unpredictable. I went through 18 years of that, and then some once I became an adult and moved out to get away from the abuse.  I truly don't think my coworker meant to be hurtful or anything, and was talking in a light-hearted manner, but all this to say, I felt vulnerable and deeply embarrassed, not to mentioned triggered. I feel the most upset because I work with a therapist of my own and am often putting a lot of work into managing my symptoms and being proactive, bettering myself, etc., and it hurts that it is still so obvious that I am a traumatized, scared little girl inside. I wish others did not notice this, but that is not real. Even more so, I am a parent who wants to be a healthy role model for my child, and I feel like I am failing. I feel like I am failing my clients, who need to see me be healthy and assertive.  I rambled a lot to get those feelings out...They need to come out. Just a question to others in this community: Do any of you often feel like this? Do you feel small, weak, afraid, vulnerable at times, and even "timid" (I particularly hate this word because my abusive mother used to use this on me constantly to berate me). And how do you cope with this? If you've managed these symptoms well, how so? Thanks to anyone who has made it this far. If you feel even remotely like I do at times, I'm sorry you have to go through it. 
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PTSD is not fun (not even a little)
General Support / by OceanWaves37
Last post
August 15th, 2023
...See more That's it. I am not happy today. Things in my life are going great, and I WANT to be happy, but I have PTSD and that is not a happy thing to have today. Long story short, my trauma would occur many times after milestones, happy times, or good things happening to me. Then BAM! There comes the bad stuff. Understatement. HORRIBLE stuff. (PTSD, amirite?) So now my life is in a nice, fulfilling direction, and my mind says DANGER! DANGER OCEANWAVES37!!! Don't be happy, cause you know what happens when you get good stuff and happiness enters!!! Watch out! Time for HYPERVIGILANCE! FLASHBACKS! TRIGGERS GALORE! Okay, end of rant. Otherwise, glad to be back. Been away from this place for some time. How you doin'?
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