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OceanWaves37
623 M Embraced 5
This too shall pass.
PathStep 5 Compassion hearts81 Forum posts9 Forum upvotes31 Current upvotes31 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2024 Member sinceJune 26, 2023
Bio

Wanting to be a better individual, mother, friend, helper to those around me, better human being in general. Deep-rooted childhood trauma, diagnosed with PTSD, GAD, and working on it all every day. I also work in mental health. Takes one to know one, amirite? 😜

Recent forum posts
Feeling submissive as a symptom of past abuse/PTSD
Trauma Support / by OceanWaves37
Last post
 July 12th
...See more So, I (attempt to) help others for a living. I think it's my way of finding purpose, healing, and getting my power back in some odd way. My job title requires that I be assertive, at least to some degree, which is healthy. However, I find that when my PTSD symptoms flare up, especially if I'm triggered, I become small, submissive, and almost "childlike' in ways, which is so embarrassing to me.  Today the onsite nurse where I work told me that she would love to see me actually get mad because I'm so quiet and "timid" (ugh, I hate this word) at times when I often speak. I know why this happens as a trauma response. Being small, quiet, and "timid" helped me survive living with a severely mentally unwell parent that was prone to being very violent and unpredictable. I went through 18 years of that, and then some once I became an adult and moved out to get away from the abuse.  I truly don't think my coworker meant to be hurtful or anything, and was talking in a light-hearted manner, but all this to say, I felt vulnerable and deeply embarrassed, not to mentioned triggered. I feel the most upset because I work with a therapist of my own and am often putting a lot of work into managing my symptoms and being proactive, bettering myself, etc., and it hurts that it is still so obvious that I am a traumatized, scared little girl inside. I wish others did not notice this, but that is not real. Even more so, I am a parent who wants to be a healthy role model for my child, and I feel like I am failing. I feel like I am failing my clients, who need to see me be healthy and assertive.  I rambled a lot to get those feelings out...They need to come out. Just a question to others in this community: Do any of you often feel like this? Do you feel small, weak, afraid, vulnerable at times, and even "timid" (I particularly hate this word because my abusive mother used to use this on me constantly to berate me). And how do you cope with this? If you've managed these symptoms well, how so? Thanks to anyone who has made it this far. If you feel even remotely like I do at times, I'm sorry you have to go through it. 
PTSD is not fun (not even a little)
General Support / by OceanWaves37
Last post
 August 15th, 2023
...See more That's it. I am not happy today. Things in my life are going great, and I WANT to be happy, but I have PTSD and that is not a happy thing to have today. Long story short, my trauma would occur many times after milestones, happy times, or good things happening to me. Then BAM! There comes the bad stuff. Understatement. HORRIBLE stuff. (PTSD, amirite?) So now my life is in a nice, fulfilling direction, and my mind says DANGER! DANGER OCEANWAVES37!!! Don't be happy, cause you know what happens when you get good stuff and happiness enters!!! Watch out! Time for HYPERVIGILANCE! FLASHBACKS! TRIGGERS GALORE! Okay, end of rant. Otherwise, glad to be back. Been away from this place for some time. How you doin'?
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