Considering giving up (vent) TW: bullying, homophobia, mentions s***idal thoughts
I accidentally deleted everything after typing out like 5 paragraphs. Great. Sorry in advance for this being so long lol. Basically I feel trapped, lost and alone. I struggle to trust anyone or form connections with others. I try to change my thought and behavior patterns but deep down I still feel lost and alone, and I almost always have a level of anxiety and depression going.
My trauma stems from being bullied throughout elementary and middle school for being gay. The first time I heard the word gay it was used to mock me. It was used like an insult for someone who doesn't belong and who isn't okay. Before I knew any other meaning for it. So I internalized both that being gay wasn't ok and that the authentic me was fundamentally not ok. All that was compounded when it became clearer that I was actually gay. The thing I couldn't handle and feared the most turned true. Eventually in high school I admitted to myself that I was gay and came out because it seemed like the thing to do, not because I was ready for it. All while still carrying that trauma and shame and not feeling safe to share it. Leading up to that and also after I was very depressed. I wanted to die and thought about it every day. I'm a lot better than that now, I see a therapist and take medications but that time still left a mark on me. I'm not afraid of dying because it kind of feels like an old friend.
Also throughout those years and leading up to now I tried to be anything but authentic and tried to avoid or distract myself from my feelings with different forms of escapism and porn.
Fast forward to now and I know I have C-PTSD as well as PDD from being evaluated by a psychologist. I have a good explanation for the ways I act and feel, which is comforting to an extent, but having that precise explanation has also led to me digging back up triggering memories and issues that I was distracting myself from before.
It feels like so much. And it feels like I'm so far behind. Like I lost many years when I could've been working on myself and loving myself and figuring out who I am (I'm a senior in college). I'm trying to unlearn thoughts and behaviors and be more authentic but I get overwhelmed, so sometimes it's tempting to give up, stop trying, sink back into the kind of downward spiral I was in in high school. I don't think I'm going to but it's tempting. Thank you to anyone that read this.
@Lostguy21
Dear Lost, I understand that feeling of aloneness. I was alone inside for decades ( 5 ) because of my childhood abuse. I'm so proud of you for seeking help so young. I didn't have the awareness or opportunity to get pro help until a tragic abuse situation I was in just a few years ago. Its been quite the journey these last few years. From denial to awareness. In denial I was acting a part people expected but in awareness I found and am still finding the authentic me. My identity was stolen when I was very young by my abuser. I went through alot of grief recently realizing my loss of identity and how much time I wasted in denial.
Everything your feeling is so normal and familiar at the same time. Your on a journey of discovery and it can be so painful but it's going to be worth it. Your finding the real you and learning to accept and love yourself. You are so lucky to be young and brave enough to accept and become your true self. Be patient and kind to yourself. Your doing a great job!
Just to be young and in college to me is a gift. I missed out on so much and it makes me soooo sad.
Be true to yourself and your confidence will grow. I think you are amazing and deserve all the best this life has to offer. Just remember bullies are cowards. ( I was bullied both in childhood and adulthood for different reasons) .
I learned in therapy all I have to do is make me happy and not worry about others being happy or ok with me .
The more you love and accept yourself the less alone you will feel everyday.
Best always
ABB 💜
@Lostguy21 im sorry you had to go through this. i hope things get better for you. i understand i am in therapy for similar reasons. every day is a struggle.
@Lostguy21 Please dont be so hard on yourself. You are doing the best you can. Big hug🤗🤗🤗🥰🥰