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Lostguy21
895 M Little Steps 1
PathStep 4 Compassion hearts178 Forum posts13 Forum upvotes29 Current upvotes29 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2024 Member sinceSeptember 20, 2022
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I think I might be trans?
LGBTQ+ / MOGII Support / by Lostguy21
Last post
 January 30th, 2023
...See more Last night in the shower I was thinking about the first like trauma that happened to me when I was like 4 or 5 when an adult made me feel like my body was wrong and sexuality was wrong and I figured out that that's when my sexual shame started. Once I realized that it's like I unlocked feelings that I hadn't felt since I was little where I wanted to be a girl/felt like I was a girl. So now those feelings are back and I've been thinking about them since then. I've identified as a gay man for the past 5 years but now I'm questioning if that's who I am. Does anyone have advice/similar experience? Tysm
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Intrusive thoughts
Trauma Support / by Lostguy21
Last post
 January 19th, 2023
...See more I've recently noticed that I get intrusive thoughts sometimes when someone talks about driving or I think about cars or driving where I imagine horrible car crashes. I was in a really bad crash over a year ago so I guess I'm figuring out that it traumatized me more than I thought. I already have a PTSD diagnosis but from other things. Maybe others have had similar things. For me it seems like it mostly is just stuff related to cars and driving. Thanks for reading
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I feel trapped in a friendship
Relationship Stress / by Lostguy21
Last post
 December 11th, 2022
...See more So I'm friends with this guy who lives pretty far away, we "met" on Twitter a few years ago and last summer he stayed w me and my family and that was cool but now we mostly communicate over text. I've recently started to feel really irritated whenever I talk to him, and I think it's because I feel trapped. There was a time before when I told him we shouldn't be friends anymore because I felt like I wasn't able to be authentic with him and he got really emotional and begged me to keep being his friend and said I was one of his only friends and he didn't know what he'd do without me. So basically the main reason I'm still friends with him is guilt... and now I'm starting to resent feeling like I have no choice but to interact with him. I mean technically I do have a choice but I couldn't stop talking to him without feeling awful about it. I don't know what to do.
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Getting really angry a lot
Trauma Support / by Lostguy21
Last post
 December 8th, 2022
...See more I've often been getting really angry recently, a lot of the time it seems like for no reason. I have PTSD depression and anxiety and I've had problems with anger for awhile but recently it seems worse. I also recently stopped taking one of my medications because episodes of intense anger were a side effect so I thought it might help if I stopped but its still happening. I think when I get angry it's usually less intense now but still bothersome. It often starts with this feeling of hotness and tension in my legs and feet that slowly spreads to the rest of my body and my head. I get irritated and angry and it's usually not at anything in particular, it's anger at myself, everything and nothing. It may be triggered by something at first but then it's like the anger takes over and it's not logical. When it gets bad I fantasize about fighting other people. I'm hoping someone can give advice or tips.. I think for me it's connected to hyperarousal/hypervigilance. I keep getting angry while talking to my friend for no reason and it's causing problems.
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I broke my best friends heart and it feels awful
Relationship Stress / by Lostguy21
Last post
 October 29th, 2022
...See more Me and my friend have been talking consistently for the past few years. We started as online friends because he lives in another part of the country but this past summer he came and stayed with me and my parents for 2 weeks and from then to now we've become a lot closer. We've ran into problems a bunch of times where I would feel like he was being clingy and I would pull away (over text) and then he would get kind of distraught or hurt and then we would talk about it and get through it. Or another thing that would happen was I would get in a bad mood, I would get irritable and take that out on him (I know doing that is wrong, I'm not proud of those moments). Even still, we would talk about it and get through it. Eventually we reached a point where I felt a lot closer to him and like I could even see myself dating him in the future and he said he wanted to as well. But then recently I stopped and reassessed whether I thought a relationship with him would work and I decided I didn't think it would. I don't know if that's even true or not because I struggle with my sense of self and knowing what I actually want but that's the decision I came to.... So I told him that and now he says he doesn't know what to do and that I hurt more than ever and I feel horrible. Idk what I'm doing. I think he's the closest friend I've ever had and yet I keep hurting him.. I don't want to hurt him but it just keeps happening. I don't know what to do.
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Tips for dealing with hyperarousal?
Trauma Support / by Lostguy21
Last post
 October 14th, 2022
...See more For others who suffer from the hyperarousal symptom of PTSD, do you have any useful strategies or techniques you use to manage it that you could share? If you don't know what I mean by hyperarousal, this article explains it well. Thanks.
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Considering giving up (vent) TW: bullying, homophobia, mentions s***idal thoughts
Trauma Support / by Lostguy21
Last post
 September 21st, 2022
...See more I accidentally deleted everything after typing out like 5 paragraphs. Great. Sorry in advance for this being so long lol. Basically I feel trapped, lost and alone. I struggle to trust anyone or form connections with others. I try to change my thought and behavior patterns but deep down I still feel lost and alone, and I almost always have a level of anxiety and depression going. My trauma stems from being bullied throughout elementary and middle school for being gay. The first time I heard the word gay it was used to mock me. It was used like an insult for someone who doesn't belong and who isn't okay. Before I knew any other meaning for it. So I internalized both that being gay wasn't ok and that the authentic me was fundamentally not ok. All that was compounded when it became clearer that I was actually gay. The thing I couldn't handle and feared the most turned true. Eventually in high school I admitted to myself that I was gay and came out because it seemed like the thing to do, not because I was ready for it. All while still carrying that trauma and shame and not feeling safe to share it. Leading up to that and also after I was very depressed. I wanted to die and thought about it every day. I'm a lot better than that now, I see a therapist and take medications but that time still left a mark on me. I'm not afraid of dying because it kind of feels like an old friend. Also throughout those years and leading up to now I tried to be anything but authentic and tried to avoid or distract myself from my feelings with different forms of escapism and porn. Fast forward to now and I know I have C-PTSD as well as PDD from being evaluated by a psychologist. I have a good explanation for the ways I act and feel, which is comforting to an extent, but having that precise explanation has also led to me digging back up triggering memories and issues that I was distracting myself from before. It feels like so much. And it feels like I'm so far behind. Like I lost many years when I could've been working on myself and loving myself and figuring out who I am (I'm a senior in college). I'm trying to unlearn thoughts and behaviors and be more authentic but I get overwhelmed, so sometimes it's tempting to give up, stop trying, sink back into the kind of downward spiral I was in in high school. I don't think I'm going to but it's tempting. Thank you to anyone that read this.
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