Thoughts
I'm not sure how this is going to go but I should probably give it a try. Don't use my voice very often but I'm choking inside so have to get some of this crap out......
I have survived the first day at my new workplace
why did I have to be the one to move?
scared
what if I am totally useless and mess this place up too?
am I really rubbish at my job? Surely I would have an inclination if I was?
does 19 years service count for nothing? Am I being punished?
lost and alone
I have no one I can turn to
Hard to trust when all you know is hurt and rejection
So much going on inside but it's all jumbled and knotted together
scared I will end up back in the dark place, can't fight it again....
Fear
it engulfs you
clawing at your throat
Choking you
waiting for the darkness
@crimsonLime6525- sending you light and love to put fear in it's place. Hugs.
the day is coming
i know it's near
when I lash out
and tell of my fears
the darkest hour
on the clock will come
when the pain comes out
and my world comes undone
when this happens
you will see
my painful past
and memories
the wall will protect me
as it has done before
but it soon comes down
and I must face life once more
but the time is coming
to say farewell
for on that day
i will be in hell
the devil will greet me
at the gates and then
my life as I know it
will come to a bitter end
but it really won't be
the end for me
because I will burn
for eternity
for then I will know
what real pain is
and suffer the consequences
of all my sins
@crimsonLime6525
I too agree with @MytwisteedSoul. You are worth fighting for you are valued and have so much courage to share your feelings. I am here to sit with you or hold your hand. I will sit quietly with you if you don't mind
@crimsonLime6525 Hey Lime - I couldn't tell you how many times you come into my thoughts. How many times I want to reach out to you and just say hey. I felt the pain of your poem and while I may not know all of what you're going through - I think - you have suffered enough. I understand that you probably disagree - and thats ok - yeah? I know we don't really know each other and we haven't really talked all that much - but those little flashes of your heart and soul that you show here and there show so much about you. You are a good person - and I understand that it's hard for you to see it through the pain you feel. But I see it - I just wanted you to know that you're in someone's thoughts
*leaves a care package of hugs*
Please be gentle with yourself
@crimsonLime6525
I hope you don't mind but I thought I would drop this little guy off with you to let you know you've been in my thoughts :)
@mytwistedsoul
Oh Thank You so Much
tears
I needed that, you made my day
@scarletPear1945 Hey :) you're welcome! I'm glad you liked it. I know alot of people think they're gross. But they make really great pets and they're super smart! They can learn the same tricks as a dog :)
@mytwistedsoul
I think he's cute. It is amazing what animals can learn and people can't (LOL)
@scarletPear1945 It kind of does say alot doesn't it LOL! :)
@mytwistedsoul
Stop.........
breathe........
it's six years today since that night, why can't I forget?
Im not the only person this has happened to so why can't i just get over it??
wtf makes me think I'm different??? That I'm allowed to be like this???
just suck it up buttercup, get a fucking grip of yourself
Six years ago today I totally fucked up, I wish it was me that had my life taken from me that day
i so wish I could turn the clock back and change the decision I made
i hate myself for what I've done
you were innocent in this
im a horrible evil bitch and I should suffer
Every day I torture myself for this and will for the rest of my life
@crimsonLime6525 I'm sorry you're suffering so today. I wish I had words to ease your pain even if you feel that pain is justified. Noone deserves to suffer. I hope it's ok me for me to say - but maybe you were innocent too. We can't know all the time - why things happen - we can't know the out come of everything we do. You'll be in my thoughts today Lime and I'll light a candle and send you strength
Be gentle with yourself
@mytwistedsoul
i ruined the only chance I ever had of being a mum, probably a good thing so I can't ruin anything else
@crimsonLime6525 Oh Lime, I'm so sorry. I won't say that I understand your pain, but my heart aches for you. I'm sure it wasn't a decision that was made lightly and I'm sure there were many circumstances involved. I can't imagine the thoughts that must torture you now but it doesn't mean that you're a bad person. There would be many things to consider when it comes to being a parent. If you were too young, an unstable or abusive relationship. The choices you made when you were younger , shouldn't define who you are are now. It doesn't mean that you would have ruined a life. There are ways that you could still give to the life of a child. You could maybe foster a child or be a mentor. I know it isn't the same but maybe it would help ease some of the pain you're feeling.
(Leaves you a big hug, if you'd like one) I apologize, if anything I've said caused you more pain or if I misspoke in any way.
Please try to be kind with yourself today. Know that you will be in my thoughts and I send you much peace and love. ❤
@mytwistedsoul
please don't feel like you've said anything wrong, I truly appreciate you reading my words. Means a lot
its not very often I actually speak here but guess I'm just kinda fucked up right now and needed to vent
howi wish I could turn the clock back
can't stop the tears
it hurts......a LOT 😭
@crimsonLime6525 It's good to vent. Its good to get it out. I know you don't speak much here. That's why it means so much more when you do. It can be hard to find the words to talk about what we're feeling. It can even be harder when we might feel we have no right to say anything about our pain because it was caused by a choice we made. I know I do. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It doesn't mean we should have to be quiet. Sometimes the only choices we have are all crap. I am so sorry that you're hurting so much right now. I wish we could turn back time too. There are so many things I wish I could change too.
I wonder what would you think about writing a letter. It could be to anyone or no one or maybe to a younger you. A letter explaining the circumstances at the time. Your thoughts and feelings. Concerns and fears. All the pain you feel now. Similar to a letter of forgiveness. You could burn the letter after as a way to release it or tuck it away some where. There's no pressure of course. It was just a thought that came to mind.
I'm still sending you peace and love Lime. ❤
@crimsonLime6525- please don't torture yourself for the decision you made in the past. It is always easier to wish we could go back and redo our lives. THe challenge is to live today as we will look back on it with gratitude. Believe me when I wish I also could have changed past regrets. TAke care.
Sorry for posting how I feel
i won't anymore
sorry
@crimsonLime6525 Please don't mean that. Don't be sorry for anything you say. We're here because we care about you. We want to hear you. We want to read your words Lime. This is your space for what ever is on your mind
@crimsonLime6525 Hey :) Sending you good vibes - you've been in my thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
thank you for your thoughts but please don't waste them on me. I'm not worth it
@crimsonLime6525 They aren't wasted Lime - I think you're more than worth it - Even if you can't see it. Maybe especially since you can't see it - others do. You may not say much very often - but the little things you do - leaving a hug for someone or even just a heart - they mean alot - they say alot about you. You have a beautiful heart Lime
@mytwistedsoul
ok so this made me cry
thank you for your lovely words ❤️
@crimsonLime6525 You're welcome Lime ❤ I meant every word - you really do have a beautiful heart
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
Feel very anxious
First day back to work tomorrow from being on furlough for 5 months
barely spoke a word vocally in all that time, locked away in a world of silence
now I have to go and face people
@crimsonLime6525 Hey Lime :) I've been wanting to check in with you but didnt want to be annoying
I can only imagine how hard it would be going back after being away for so many months. To have to physically talk and interact with people - the anxiety it would cause
You'll be in my thoughts
@crimsonLime6525- just wondering how you are doing back at work in person. I understand to some degree- retired and usually social. But getting out of bed to face the day has been weird the last year and half. Wish you the best. Likely your coworkers are going through adjustments too. TAke care.
I am currently not working due to my anxiety. My last job in 2019 caused a breakdown due to stress. I now am trying to get better and am still petrified of working again. I know how you are feeling. I am coming to realise is, it's often the most accomplished workers who lack confidence. My only advice would be kind to yourself, take things slowly and don't push yourself too hard. First days are always scary, don't think you're alone in that. Much Love, AliasJules
