Thought Detanglement........
Not really much on my mind right now in terms of trauma, I just thought it would be good to have a place where I could sort out my thoughts and really think about what I'm thinking... if that makes sense. I hope this helps me because I have realized that I have alot of "tangled" up thoughts. All of my negative feelings about multiple different things seem to melt together into one big ball of string. And right now, I'm ranting about how I can never collect my thoughts. So, it's already working, sort've. Processing. That's whats working. So, here we go.
Yes, I understand that this is the second post on this thread today, but I just looked at the date and realized that it has been a year since my brother stopped talking to me. It hurts because it doesn't seem to look like he cares at all. I was just someone who would do stupid things with him. But to me, he was my brother. We talked, and made dumb movies, and created weird food things. But now he ignores me. I don't understand why he can't forgive me for yelling at him. I'm frustrated that he can't get over something so minor, but I also hate myself for losing my cool. I wish that things would go back to the way they were. I miss having him as my best friend.
Today was a good day. I spent the morning working at a local church nursery which can be draining but today was great. I sat in a rocker the whole time with a ginger baby, Claire. I was just thinking about how simple life was for such little... humans. After that I left with my mom and got some much needed alone time. She's been so busy lately and it's good to catch up and just chat. Then we picked up my sister and went on a girl date. Nothing really entered my mind about my weight, my self-doubt, depression, anxiety, etc.
@starsabove7303 - I really like that image - I think many can relate to the idea of all of those thoughts tangling up together in a big ball of string that can be hard to sort out. But I think that taking it slowly, bit by bit, pieces can start to be reorganized or untangled and as you go, the big ball gets a little smaller each time and a little easier to untangle the next bit of :)
It's so weird to think about life. I was watching my little sister. And it struck me. My 6 year old's sisters life is made up of school, several siblings who love her, and an over active imagination. My brother's life is made up of being popular at school, video games, bands, and not talking with me. My parent's lives are centered around us, work, and court. Everybody's life is so complex and can be filled with so much happiness and love. If we just took the extra time each day to truly talk to someone and see how they were feeling and what they were thinking, things might be better. Theres so many hurting people, and it's frustrating to know that some purposely hurt others for the fun of it. We weren't born to be hurt, degraded, abused, or depressed. This sounds cliche, but we were born to live, laugh, and love.
This is to the ones who are hurting with no one there for them. It will get better someday, you just have to keep fighting. *hugs*
Start with the knowledge that every person is wonderful and beautiful in their own individual way. We may have similarities but no two people are identical. We all have qualities and faults. Examine your emotions. Name them. Even if you can't label them(fear, anxiety, sadness) give them a name. I have one I call weird itchy yuck feeling. From there give it qualities. What does it do or cause. That one in particular makes me not able to rest or sit still. I get annoyed easily. I don't feel productive. Investigate it. Is it brought on by something specific like a song or a place or smell? Maybe only when it rains, or when your feet get cold. Or is it random? Try to write down where you are, who else is there, what you're doing, eating, seeing, hearing. After a few times you may see a connection. Sometimes we feel things so hard and deep that our mind won't let us focus on anything productive. Doing these sometimes helps to release your mind. With me, I found that I lose focus when I'm around certain people when I am unsure of myself, when I don't know if I'll handle things right. Sometimes it was times that I tried to do too much at once and not letting go of things that weren't priority. Sometimes it was obsessing on the past. I had to learn to look at the past without trying to change it.
I hate crying in silence. Holding in the sobs and sniffles hurts. I hate that no one bothers enough to care to come and see why I haven't left my room all day. I hate when I have to put a happy face on and pretend that everything is a-ok.
I'm so sick of pretending, but I know that things would only get so much worse if I told someone. I would suddenly become "problem child" and "attention hog". I want my family to know what's going on and why I'm suddenly pulling away, but I don't want them to be worried or annoyed with my situation. After all, everything that I'm feeling seems to be so repeptitive. I don't want to be a burden, but am I already?
I love when people talk to me about their problems, because it shows that they trust me. But, just one day, I want to be able to come up to them and talk about mine and sort things out. I want to feel heard and understood. Instead I'm immediately pushed back and forgotten about. I want to be able to cry on someones shoulder and not be interrogated about why I'm crying. I want my step mum to know that I'm not ok, but the right time and place never comes up where I can tell her. She's already had a daughter with anorexia and depression. I don't want to be another thing to worry about.
I just want to be good with myself again. I don't remember what it feels like to be truely happy.
@starsabove7303 - I'm sorry things have been so tough lately - it's a really overwhelming feeling to need support but feel like you can't ask for it.
I noticed that you said that you really like when people trust you with talking about their problems, but that you feel like if you were to talk to someone else about yours it would make you a burden. That fear is very real and something I can relate to, but it's also something I want to challenge a little - if you like when people will talk about their problems with you, isn't it possible that other people feel the same way and would want to be able to support you? What do you think might happen if you did reach out for that support and not pretending to be okay if you don't feel okay? Is there a chance that it could be something positive?
Sending you good thoughts and care
I find myself so irratable all the time. People who are supposed to care about me or look up to me just annoy me. It seems like I can never get a break from anything. I hate complaining like this, it just needs to come out. Everything my sister does seems to annoy me. Everytime she talks to me, I just seem to shut her out. It's not that I don't love her, it's just that everytime something comes out of her mouth it's something against me or about the boy across the street that she's obcessing over. I just wish I had a space to myself where I could ignore everything.
Everybody seems to ignorantly hover over me - if that makes sense. I just want to take a breath. Everytime I try talking about my feelings or ideas I have, it seems to get blown off for somebody else doing something, more attention worthy I guess. I just hate how my family is so involved in my life and the events in it, but not how my mental health is. It seems like nobody wants to hear how I'm feeling.
I don't know. Whatever, I sound like a spoiled brat. Maybe, theres nothing to be complaining about.
I hate meeting new people. Why do I hate doing this you may ask? Because I become too attached. I pick up on little things that every person does and it registers in my brain as they don't want to be my friend anymore. If I'm talking and they start turning the other way, I immediately think, "oh, I'm annoying them, I should stop talking." On little glance that doesn't have a smile with it, and I think, "what did I do wrong? Are we still friends?", or one small sigh pointed in my direction and I believe with my whole heart and soul that they just are tired of me.
I get too attached, and I end up pushing those around me away. Unintentionally, of course, but why am I like this? Why do I immediately assume that no one wants to be my friend, or hang out with me. Why do I assume that they think I'm annoying and filth. Why do I believe that I truly am these things that I think people believe about me. Why can't I just relax and take life as it is.
I hate my personality. I hate that if someone I don't know talks to me, I automatically think that it's a dare or a joke that someone else forced them to do. I hate that I shy away from everything and fail at making an effort to meet new people. I'm so afraid that people hate me, and just wish I wasn't there. I know that not everyone will like me, it's just a fact of life. My brain just can't accept that anyone would like me at all. I hate that I doubt myself on everything I do, whether it's choosing the right friends, or getting up to blow my nose in class. Or walking in the middle of the hallway, or the side.
@starsabove7303 - It can be really hard when you are feeling internally like people won't like you (or like you don't like yourself) to not read little things as signs of that. But I think sometimes challenging those ideas can be helpful. There's absolutely not an east fix where suddenly everything is rosy and you're never worried about it, but practicing challenging those ideas or reframing them over time can start to get easier and over time make a larger shift.
A couple examples:
- You said that your brain can't accept that anyone would like you at all. Well let's start with two questions - what are traits about someone else that make you like them? What are some positive traits about you that might make someone like you? For me, I like people who are kind to others, who share similar interests to me, who make me think about things in a new way, or who make me laugh. Some positive things I see about you from this thread alone are that you are introspective and thoughtful, that you are good with words, and that you care about helping others.
- You mentioned seeing little things of someone turning away or sighing to indicate they don't want to talk to you. That is one possibility for where that might come from, but I think there might also be lots of other possibilities for why someone might seem less focused or a little upset that aren't because they don't want to talk to you. What do you think some of those reasons could be? For me, often I might seem distracted or upset with someone when it's actually that I am feeling upset about something else in my life or am distracted by thinking about things stressing me out or even just if I am having an unfocused day where movement out of the corner of my eye is startling!
I'm so worried for my friend. She has a seemingly perfect life. She has a great relationship with her parents, although they are split apart. She has a great relationship with her step father. She has no idea what it feels like to hate yourself so much that you feel like you're unworthy of anything. She has no idea of the pain you feel when you silently cry in your room because you don't want anybody else to hear. Her life is great.
She deserves this life. This girl has the biggest heart and is always there for anybody. She's a literal angel and a perfect friend. But I worry. Everybody has to go through some sort of hard thing in their life. Right? I just don't want something to happen to her. It would completely break her if one of her parents died, or if she was raped or something. I'm just worried. I don't want life to turn into a burden for her. I want to be able to protect her from anything that could hurt her. She has it so good now.
And this is when the ED-ish kicks in. I already ate food and am not hungry, but pizza is delivered and I can't help myself. The smell is great, and it looks like it would just melt in your mouth. I plan to only take one slice, because it's late at night and it's not healthy. It turns out to be a whole lot, and by the time I'm done, I feel awful. My stomach is too full, and I hate myself because I feel like I can just feel myself getting fatter with each bite I took.
Yet, my perfect sister, took one slice, had'nt eaten before, and went to bed after it. It's the little things that always seem to get to me. Whenever she walks into a room and she wears tight leggings, you can see how thin she is. Compared to her, I feel like a pig. A dirty, nasty, fat, pig. And all that seems to be happening is her losing weight, and me gaining. She doesn't even know what anorexia is, so she can't secretly be struggling.
This sounds so awful, and just full of spite, but I wish she would just go back to Canada. There, she was never talking to me about her weight loss and my weight gain, she never made me feel like I wasn't worth it, she just never did anything that makes me feel like crap about myself. I've tried to talk to her, and she just doesn't stop. I don't know why I'm so bothered, I just am. But I feel weak for not being able to handle comments like these.