Thought Detanglement........
Not really much on my mind right now in terms of trauma, I just thought it would be good to have a place where I could sort out my thoughts and really think about what I'm thinking... if that makes sense. I hope this helps me because I have realized that I have alot of "tangled" up thoughts. All of my negative feelings about multiple different things seem to melt together into one big ball of string. And right now, I'm ranting about how I can never collect my thoughts. So, it's already working, sort've. Processing. That's whats working. So, here we go.
@starsabove7303 - It's been a little while since you've posted and I wanted to check in. How are you doing?
Im so frustrated because everytime that I may feel happy or just at peace with one part of my life, something else decides to attack. I've been having alot of downtime lately, and it's been nice to just have a feeling of escaping reality. But when my sister comes in, I hear her stomach growl, and my immediate thought is, "Why don't you ever hear your stomach growl? Your eating too much and your going to gain weight."
I hate that my mind automatically thinks these negative things, It's like im bound without knowing it to this thought that if I'm not anorexic enough, then I'm failing. I know this is a completely irrational way of thinking, but it's there and never leaves. My brain just thinks that if i'm not completely starving myself then I'm failing, and I can't handle not doing my best. I don't know why that bothered me so much. It's just I feel like I can't talk to people about it, if it's not really a thing... I don't want to look like an attention seeker or like I'm just being pathetic. Ugh, It's exasperating. Thoughts are running at a hundred miles a second and I can't seem to get the right words out to get across my poiint.
@starsabove7303
That thought you mentioned of "if I'm not anorexic enough, then I'm failing" is one I am very familiar with. And you're right that it's an irrational way of thinking, but it's also very real and you are not alone in having felt that. And it absolutely does not make you an attention seeker or pathetic - it makes you someone who is really struggling right now and needs support.
I sometimes think about those thoughts as an ED voice that is yelling, and the ways to combat it can either be finding ways to make ED quieter or ways to drown it out with other voices. Are there times that you feel like that voice is quieter? What do those times have in common? Are there voices that you think can help drown it out?
@Anomalia
I think daily stress definitely has a part in some of this. If Ive had a relatively good day, and my friends have been good, then it seems to just be very minimal. Just little thoughts that pop up and vanish. But on days where I dont even feel like taking the energy to expel breath come, its a hay day for that voice...
Im not even sure what I would drown it out with. It seems that these days theres always one negative thought that wont leave. Its like a carousel, they all take turns in my mind. As soon as one leaves, another is instantly there to take its place. Im just not in a great place in terms of loving myself. It just seems t get worse after it gets better.
@starsabove7303 - that definitely makes sense that the daily stress contributes to this for you. Given that, are there any things that help to minimize the daily stress or to help you feel a little calmer through the things that do come up? What are your ways of de-stressing?
For drowning out, I think there are a number of things that might work - different ones tend to work for different people, so you can see if any feel like they might be right for you.
- Affirmations: saying nice things to yourself or reading quotes that are powerful reminders, even when it's hard to believe them - sort of a "fake it 'til you make it" situation. A couple of my favorites: "Fall down seven times, stand up eight", "Strive for progress, not perfection" "You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think", "Today I will do my best. If I have a good day, I will be proud of myself. If I have a bad day, I will not dwell on it, I will forgive myself, I will put it behind me and I will continue to move forward in my recovery
- Friendly voices: Asking others to help you drown out that ED voice by reminding you that you are loved, that you are okay as you are, that they are there for you, and that ED is not in control
- Sassy child voice: sassing back to the ED - if it says "You shouldn't eat that", saying "Says who?!" or "You're not the boss of me!"
- Challenging: questioning and challenging the logic of the ED - if it says "You're not sick enough to get help", asking if someone with just a broken finger instead of a broken arm should still get the broken finger looked at; if it says "you don't need food", asking how that could be true when every other person on the planet needs food to survive
- Healthy you voice: Whatever the ED says, responding with your healthy internal voice - if it says "You don't deserve food", saying "food isn't something that is earned, it's a basic need and a basic right"
- Being your own friend: Thinking about what you would say to a friend in your position and then saying it to yourself instead - treating yourself with the care that you would give someone you truly loved. Sometimes this can even be easier if you write it down and then read it back later.
Hope that one (or more) of these feels like it could be helpful!