The Journey: Into or out of darkness

Can't Escape

Abyss, void, chasm, pit
Hallow, vacant, meaningless, cavity
Empty, hopeless, useless, desperate
Grasping at sanity
Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide
No matter where you go
You can't escape what's inside
Hopeless journeys toward the unknown
Dreams made alive
By tormenting games of the mind
shaken hopes and shaken dreams
Intolerance with self
Deeply rooted in hatred
Stress building
Meltdown Secure
It's all in the waiting
Bomb ticking
Time running out
No matter where I go
I can't escape what's inside

@practicalIdeal2007 *offering safe hugs*

I do really like that poem, it is really powerful!

You know, I guess this is exactly the point of this space that you can just share whatever you have in your mind and I am glad to hear that you have done so. I mean, it can be just really useful to have a space to write your feelings out so they are not just building up - or at least that's why I like journaling, it is much easier to handle all these feelings in much smaller bursts, writing it out daily - for me anyways. :)

I mean, I hope you will find this place helpful as well in your own way and also, if you ever feel uncomfortable with me posting here, in your space, feel free to tell me and I will stop doing so.

@redmark

You are welcome to post here. I can't promise I'll always respond. Sometimes I need time to think things through. I come back to things days, weeks or even months later. I'm strange like that.

I don't have a leg to stand on. Spinning like a whirlwind, nothing to land on. Did somebody else define me? Can I put the past behind me? Do I even have a decision? Feeling like I'm living in a story already written. Am I part of a vision made by somebody else? Pointing fingers at villains but I'm the villain myself. Too focused on the end and simply ready to fail. I'm tired of the fear that I can't control this. I'm tired of feeling like every next step's hopeless. I'm tired of being scared what I build might break apart. I don't want to know the end, all I want is a place to start.

@practicalIdeal2007 Aww....I am sorry to hear that you are having such hard thoughts and feelings to deal with *offering safe hugs*

It can be certainly hard to find your ground after things like this and even just to find yourself but I want you to know that I think you are on the right way by coming here and facing all these feelings and I am just so proud of you for how brave and strong you are!

Of course this is not an easy road and it will most likely will take quite some time but I want you to know that I believe in you and I believe in that you can make it. Also, you are not alone here, and together I am sure we can make it. :)

Also...do not worry about replying and I do not think it is strange that you give time to things to think them through properly before making your next step. I mean, the most important thing is also you and you can take things in a pace comfortable for you and we will be here for you! :)

@redmark

I'm not so sure I can make it.

@practicalIdeal2007 I believe in you!

I know it can be really hard some days but you have already made it this far and I think it just shows how amazingly strong you are and also you are not alone here and I do truly believe in that together we can make it :)

When song lyrics say what I can't put into words:

Nothing Makes Sense Anymore - Mike Shinoda

I used to know where the bottom was
Somewhere far under the ocean waves
Up on a ledge I was looking down
It was far enough to keep me safe
But the ground was cracked open
Threw me in the ocean
Cast me out away at sea
And the waves are still breaking
Now that I awaken
No one's left to answer me

My inside's out, my left is right
My upside's down, my black is white
I hold my breath, and close my eyes
And wait for dawn, but there's no light
Nothing makes sense anymore, anymore

I used to sleep without waking up
In a dream I made from painted walls
I was a moment away from done
When the black spilled out across it all
And my eyes were made sober
World was turned over
Washing out the lines I'd seen
And my heart is still breaking
Now that I awaken
No one's left to answer me

I'm a call without an answer
I'm a shadow in the dark
Trying to put it back together
As I watch it fall apart

I failed again. I had to hurt myself. I had to inflict the pain. I don't know how to cope without it. I don't know how to process these feelings. I don't like feelings. I don't know how to make sense of what's going on. I don't know how to figure out what is wrong with me. What did I do to deserve this punishment. I'll fix it, whatever I've done to deserve this I'll fix it so it never happens again. I sit here at 1am with tears running down my face. Staring at myself seeing a hideous monster.

I've been writing and this some of what I wrote (some I cannot post here) ...

Today

Wake up, start the day
Push through, find a way
Fake the smile, pretend you're fine
Ignore those thoughts inside your mind
Once alone, relief is fast
Swiftly moving, free at last
Toss the mask you wore to hide
The swirling darkness deep inside

Wanting

The blade, it calls to me
I know the sharp edges all to well
Hurt resonates from its presence
Yet I long to hold it, feel it
It pierces my soul
Fueled by pain
The blade calls to me

Hope ...
A hope so fleeting you can hear the skitter of it's toes.
It creaks and groans with untold woes.
It tries to tread through the grotesque grime.
Attempting to reach the mind in time.

I can't say why, not yet, but today is going to be rough.

"I had so much certainty
'Til that moment I lost control
And I've tried but it never was up to me
I've got no worse enemy
Than the fear of what's still unknown
And the time's come to realize there will be
Promises I can't keep"

Here's hoping for just a little sleep.

I have failed so utterly miserably today there aren't really words. I've been writing again.

Missing Person
Missing person, I that missing person
Cast into an abyss of constant turmoil
Escape unseen
Life unimaginable, twisting and turning
Without Purpose or meaning
Body without life, life without a body
Mind without a soul
Rock beating inside of me
A circle of never ending misery
Cloak covering blackness internal
Casting light from the dark
Portraying the illusion of brightness
The dark is light, the light is dark
The person never found

@practicalIdeal2007 *offering safe hugs*

That is a really strong and expressive poem, thank you very much for sharing it with us!

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling like that lately and I just want you to know that you are not alone with it, at least here, and we are here for you if there is anything we may be able to help you with or if you would just like to share some other amazing poems like this I would be glad to read those as well. :)

I tend to focus on all the ways I've failed. All the things I've done wrong. All the things that I believe are my fault. I was challenged to list 5 things I accomplished or did right today. So, here is that list.

1. Told someone I appreciate them
2. Tried to help someone
3. Bought groceries
4. Came out of hiding for awhile
5. Wrote this list

okay, so the last one I was reaching but I did write the list.

@practicalIdeal2007 yay! *offering safe hugs*

I am so proud of you for doing this list as I can imagine it had to be hard and I hope it helps you see all the amazing things you have accomplished lately! :)

I mean, reaching out to someone and telling them that you do appreciate them is truly a special thing and often overlooked as well as just being there for someone and trying to help them is amazing as well!

I hate grocery shopping as well and I tend to spend a lot of my time alone "hiding" too so I think it is really nice that you have got those done too lately. :)

You are doing such an amazing job.

@redmark

Thanks Red. I hope you know that I appreciate you.

It's time for the masquerade to start anew. Time to put on the full costume and pretend that everything is okay. Time to accept the inevitable. There are a couple I am learning to trust. The rest are invited to the show. People are hurtful and don't understand. They don't know, they can't know and they won't know. My secrets will die with me.

I will try to keep to myself when I am not okay. I won't share the depth of my desperation. My safety is no longer relevant. Sharing the struggle with my demons is not an option. People don't comprehend and send me to hotlines where I could wait on hold for hours, to hospitals with no beds who turn me away, to crisis centers so full of triggers I nearly explode. So I'll hide. I'll never tell. I'll live alone in my head with the noise, living a masquerade.

Today has been different. It started out like any other day, up long before dawn trying to figure out how to deal life. The feelings and emotions today have been a wide ranging roller coaster from laughter, tears, anger, hurt, acceptance and numb. Some of that is likely attributed to lack of sleep and proper nutrition. I realized some things that I want to record, because I'll likely forget them later.

I don't always have the words to respond to people, in fact most of the time I don't. I saw someone who was hurting and the only thing I could think of to do was offer to sit with them and invite them to my pillow fort. Then we invited someone else who needed some company and now I've lost track of how many people are in the pillow fort. The idea of people sitting together, even online, as a community is amazing really. I remember the first time someone offered to sit with me. I was having a very difficult time and felt so alone and @Anomalia offered to sit with me. At that moment it meant everything. Why would an offer from someone you don't even know from who knows how far away to sit with you mean so much? The answer for me is that sometimes I just need to know I'm not alone, even if that person isn't physically right there next to me. Through this whole thing I realized that maybe I'm not the monster I've made myself believe I am. Maybe there is something good in there.

Another amazing thing happened today. I didn't self harm. The urge was there, but I didn't do it. I did some writing, drawing, chatting and other things. I didn't set out with the goal of not self harming today. In fact my goal was slightly the opposite. My goal was to make it through the day using whatever coping methods it required, healthy or unhealthy. I did smoke my cigarettes and drink too much coffee (those 2 aren't going anywhere as far as I'm concerned), but the rest of the temptations I stayed away from.

I have reread on reflected on the post above this one. Part of me wants it removed, because it was a knee jerk reaction to a feeling. Sometimes I have to wear a mask. It protects me from people who aren't safe. That doesn't mean I have to shut everyone out. There are a few people who have earned a least some trust from me. I can probably tell these people when I'm not okay, and as long as I'm not in any immediate danger, they probably wouldn't overreact. Too often I hint at things, but don't come right out and say it. Then I get upset when people don't understand. People cannot read my mind! If I don't say it, they don't know. I either need to hide in my box, not say it and accept that people won't understand OR I need to speak up. Hiding is okay sometimes. There are times I can't speak up. There are other times I need to find my voice.

This was a rambling mess, but I'm not going to try to edit it or make it perfect. If I go back and reread it and "fix" it there won't be anything of meaning left. So, one last thing. The suicidal ideation is still there playing tricks in the back of my mind. A noise telling me there is no other way through this. I know it's nothing more than a buzzing gnat, but it scares me.

My brain keeps screaming. Screaming fire, danger, warning. I don't know if it's paranoia, hypervigilance, or if there is a valid reason to be uncomfortable/ fear the situation. I know I don't like it and I don't like how I'm feeling about it.

@practicalIdeal2007 *offering safe hugs*

You are definitely not invisible! I mean, I can see you for sure! :)

Also, you matter. For me anyways, I am always glad to see you around here and I am sure that others are glad to have you here with us in our little community as well.

I mean, I actually appreciate all that you do. I mean, you have even posted it here, I think, that you do help other here. I mean, just by sitting with someone and being there for them it can sometimes really mean the world and you are just doing such an amazing job you know. I mean, you are just here, trying to help others and it is just so amazing - so, yep, in short, I do appreciate all that and you are definitely not useless and you are always welcome here! :)

Now...I mean this may be subjective but I think you are definitely loveable. I think you are such a caring, kind and, from what I can see here, beautiful person that I cannot imagine someone not loving you once they have got to know you a bit :)

Of course, I can understand that once you have got hurt and abbandoned it can really leave deep scars and I understand that it can really leave you feeling like this or even numb but I just wanted you to know all of this. i wanted you to know that I think you are just such an amazing person and I am really glad that I have got to know you here!

Also, you know, I am kind of that naive optimistic type, but I think there is always hope. I do believe it anyways, i do believe that you can get better and I do believe in you for sure! I mean, together we can definitely get through this and we all are here for you to work through this! ^-^

@redmark

Today is a really hard day and what you said means a lot. I have a lot of bad thoughts in my head today. Wanting to do things. Feeling like if I was gone nobody would care. So, thank you.

@practicalIdeal2007 I know that these times and holidays can be really hard but I want you to know that you are not alone here. No matter if you would like to share something or just sit here and not be alone, either way, I am here for you! *offering safe hugs*

Also, I am sure many others are as well! ^-^