The Journey: Into or out of darkness

Can't Escape

Abyss, void, chasm, pit
Hallow, vacant, meaningless, cavity
Empty, hopeless, useless, desperate
Grasping at sanity
Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide
No matter where you go
You can't escape what's inside
Hopeless journeys toward the unknown
Dreams made alive
By tormenting games of the mind
shaken hopes and shaken dreams
Intolerance with self
Deeply rooted in hatred
Stress building
Meltdown Secure
It's all in the waiting
Bomb ticking
Time running out
No matter where I go
I can't escape what's inside

@practicalIdeal2007 *offering safe hugs*

I do really like that poem, it is really powerful!

You know, I guess this is exactly the point of this space that you can just share whatever you have in your mind and I am glad to hear that you have done so. I mean, it can be just really useful to have a space to write your feelings out so they are not just building up - or at least that's why I like journaling, it is much easier to handle all these feelings in much smaller bursts, writing it out daily - for me anyways. :)

I mean, I hope you will find this place helpful as well in your own way and also, if you ever feel uncomfortable with me posting here, in your space, feel free to tell me and I will stop doing so.

I don't have a leg to stand on. Spinning like a whirlwind, nothing to land on. Did somebody else define me? Can I put the past behind me? Do I even have a decision? Feeling like I'm living in a story already written. Am I part of a vision made by somebody else? Pointing fingers at villains but I'm the villain myself. Too focused on the end and simply ready to fail. I'm tired of the fear that I can't control this. I'm tired of feeling like every next step's hopeless. I'm tired of being scared what I build might break apart. I don't want to know the end, all I want is a place to start.

When song lyrics say what I can't put into words:

Nothing Makes Sense Anymore - Mike Shinoda

I used to know where the bottom was
Somewhere far under the ocean waves
Up on a ledge I was looking down
It was far enough to keep me safe
But the ground was cracked open
Threw me in the ocean
Cast me out away at sea
And the waves are still breaking
Now that I awaken
No one's left to answer me

My inside's out, my left is right
My upside's down, my black is white
I hold my breath, and close my eyes
And wait for dawn, but there's no light
Nothing makes sense anymore, anymore

I used to sleep without waking up
In a dream I made from painted walls
I was a moment away from done
When the black spilled out across it all
And my eyes were made sober
World was turned over
Washing out the lines I'd seen
And my heart is still breaking
Now that I awaken
No one's left to answer me

I'm a call without an answer
I'm a shadow in the dark
Trying to put it back together
As I watch it fall apart

I failed again. I had to hurt myself. I had to inflict the pain. I don't know how to cope without it. I don't know how to process these feelings. I don't like feelings. I don't know how to make sense of what's going on. I don't know how to figure out what is wrong with me. What did I do to deserve this punishment. I'll fix it, whatever I've done to deserve this I'll fix it so it never happens again. I sit here at 1am with tears running down my face. Staring at myself seeing a hideous monster.

I've been writing and this some of what I wrote (some I cannot post here) ...

Today

Wake up, start the day
Push through, find a way
Fake the smile, pretend you're fine
Ignore those thoughts inside your mind
Once alone, relief is fast
Swiftly moving, free at last
Toss the mask you wore to hide
The swirling darkness deep inside

Wanting

The blade, it calls to me
I know the sharp edges all to well
Hurt resonates from its presence
Yet I long to hold it, feel it
It pierces my soul
Fueled by pain
The blade calls to me

Hope ...
A hope so fleeting you can hear the skitter of it's toes.
It creaks and groans with untold woes.
It tries to tread through the grotesque grime.
Attempting to reach the mind in time.

I can't say why, not yet, but today is going to be rough.

"I had so much certainty
'Til that moment I lost control
And I've tried but it never was up to me
I've got no worse enemy
Than the fear of what's still unknown
And the time's come to realize there will be
Promises I can't keep"

Here's hoping for just a little sleep.

I have failed so utterly miserably today there aren't really words. I've been writing again.

Missing Person
Missing person, I that missing person
Cast into an abyss of constant turmoil
Escape unseen
Life unimaginable, twisting and turning
Without Purpose or meaning
Body without life, life without a body
Mind without a soul
Rock beating inside of me
A circle of never ending misery
Cloak covering blackness internal
Casting light from the dark
Portraying the illusion of brightness
The dark is light, the light is dark
The person never found

I tend to focus on all the ways I've failed. All the things I've done wrong. All the things that I believe are my fault. I was challenged to list 5 things I accomplished or did right today. So, here is that list.

1. Told someone I appreciate them
2. Tried to help someone
3. Bought groceries
4. Came out of hiding for awhile
5. Wrote this list

okay, so the last one I was reaching but I did write the list.

It's time for the masquerade to start anew. Time to put on the full costume and pretend that everything is okay. Time to accept the inevitable. There are a couple I am learning to trust. The rest are invited to the show. People are hurtful and don't understand. They don't know, they can't know and they won't know. My secrets will die with me.

I will try to keep to myself when I am not okay. I won't share the depth of my desperation. My safety is no longer relevant. Sharing the struggle with my demons is not an option. People don't comprehend and send me to hotlines where I could wait on hold for hours, to hospitals with no beds who turn me away, to crisis centers so full of triggers I nearly explode. So I'll hide. I'll never tell. I'll live alone in my head with the noise, living a masquerade.

Today has been different. It started out like any other day, up long before dawn trying to figure out how to deal life. The feelings and emotions today have been a wide ranging roller coaster from laughter, tears, anger, hurt, acceptance and numb. Some of that is likely attributed to lack of sleep and proper nutrition. I realized some things that I want to record, because I'll likely forget them later.

I don't always have the words to respond to people, in fact most of the time I don't. I saw someone who was hurting and the only thing I could think of to do was offer to sit with them and invite them to my pillow fort. Then we invited someone else who needed some company and now I've lost track of how many people are in the pillow fort. The idea of people sitting together, even online, as a community is amazing really. I remember the first time someone offered to sit with me. I was having a very difficult time and felt so alone and @Anomalia offered to sit with me. At that moment it meant everything. Why would an offer from someone you don't even know from who knows how far away to sit with you mean so much? The answer for me is that sometimes I just need to know I'm not alone, even if that person isn't physically right there next to me. Through this whole thing I realized that maybe I'm not the monster I've made myself believe I am. Maybe there is something good in there.

Another amazing thing happened today. I didn't self harm. The urge was there, but I didn't do it. I did some writing, drawing, chatting and other things. I didn't set out with the goal of not self harming today. In fact my goal was slightly the opposite. My goal was to make it through the day using whatever coping methods it required, healthy or unhealthy. I did smoke my cigarettes and drink too much coffee (those 2 aren't going anywhere as far as I'm concerned), but the rest of the temptations I stayed away from.

I have reread on reflected on the post above this one. Part of me wants it removed, because it was a knee jerk reaction to a feeling. Sometimes I have to wear a mask. It protects me from people who aren't safe. That doesn't mean I have to shut everyone out. There are a few people who have earned a least some trust from me. I can probably tell these people when I'm not okay, and as long as I'm not in any immediate danger, they probably wouldn't overreact. Too often I hint at things, but don't come right out and say it. Then I get upset when people don't understand. People cannot read my mind! If I don't say it, they don't know. I either need to hide in my box, not say it and accept that people won't understand OR I need to speak up. Hiding is okay sometimes. There are times I can't speak up. There are other times I need to find my voice.

This was a rambling mess, but I'm not going to try to edit it or make it perfect. If I go back and reread it and "fix" it there won't be anything of meaning left. So, one last thing. The suicidal ideation is still there playing tricks in the back of my mind. A noise telling me there is no other way through this. I know it's nothing more than a buzzing gnat, but it scares me.