Struggling a smidge
Hey whoever reads this - if they do
I've just come from the sharing circle, it's lovely there -- but I always but so much effort into what I say to people, I try to listen and understand and show empathy ...
I know nobody is expected too, but it makes me feel idk worthless and a bit stupid when I don't get that back 😔 I've only shared 2/3 times and I've been in over 50 circles idk I guess it just hurts a little to think people don't care
Idk my little parentified head struggles with this stuff, being ignored or dismissed is a massive trigger for me it seems, I put masses of care and attention in only to be ignored-- just thought I needed to put this somewhere
@WorriedMagpie
Yeah now I feel like I'm attention seeking and can't delete the thread woo 😅 - why am I even asking for people to care .. my share was tiny and pointless, its my problem - I've always just handled my own stuff, I don't really get help I'm cool I'll figure it out don't worry about me - annnd typing that I feel like nob -- I guess the shouts into the void help a little
And this post is where I try to edit myself ... Or I was going to, to try to back track and minimize what im dealing with. I won't do that, I know I'm deserving of kindness and respect as is any other human.
But it's difficult to let myself ask for help, I can only do it when I'm absolutely desperate and then it comes out as some garbled mess and makes it look like this problem came out of nowhere and all of a sudden I can't handle it. Well... I can handle it, I do handle it, I'm pretty good at doing stuff myself I'd like to think, but that doesn't mean I do it right, I overthink it and overwhelm myself - catastrophic thinking maybe? But if don't tell anybody then they can't judge me .... ?
I'm trying to challenge my way of thinking I know it's skewed, I think I could do with some support but I feel like I'm a time waster.
I'm not even sure what I'm saying here, think it might be a small cry for help? But also I'm okay so nobody really needs to worry I've got it under control. - why do I contradict myself like this?
Am I afraid to look incompetent? Is my self worth tied to my achievements?
I think it might be - but why?
Was i only heard and seen when I had good news?
At some point I learnt to keep the bad stuff to myself, "we don't air out the dirty laundry in public" well that became home too -- I didn't want to cause more upset, my house was very sad growing up maybe I learnt that the good things bring smiles? Is that why I try so hard to make people feel safe and happy? I mean that's not a bad thing, but it needs balance.
I'm okay, I'm pretty level headed atm and I've got a good handle on it, I'm asking myself a lot of whys and they're slowly unpicking some stuff just need to figure out how to build back up.
(Also the whys are more questions I'm asking myself but if anyone has any insight I'm open 💚)
@WorriedMagpie.
Tw loss of pregnancy
Is this why? Right now, I'm on minimal contact with my family? Because I was the bad news? They've been waiting so long for a grandkid - my mum had so many miscarriages between me and my brother, she was always so distraught - I felt like the news of my abortion would have have been too much. I needed to keep it too myself -- but then she pushed, and guilted me into telling her, because I was the bad news if I didn't, if I didn't tell her what was wrong she was a bad mum. ... There was no good way out of that one, so now she knows. .. but only about that one.
I can't be the bad news... It hurts my very soul to think I've hurt anybody.. that my existence causes them pain in some way. Okay uncovered something there annnd the tears this is good right
@WorriedMagpie Hey :) Tbh - I've never sat in the sharing circle. I've heard mixed reviews. I think sometimes people might not know what to say? They could still be supportive though. Maybe sometimes they're just too wrapped up in their own hurts to fully give you what you rightfully deserve and that is to be heard and supported just like everyone else
I don't think you're attention seeking. This is something that's on your mind and something that hurts you. Its incredibly hard to share and to ask for help - to admit that we're struggling - because as you said - you'll handle it. I think sometimes we get so used to handling things ourselves because maybe there was never anyone to go to for help or maybe we tried and were pushed aside. After it happens a few times we learn to just keep quiet. Whether we can handle it or not - we still should be able to share things no matter how big or small
@mytwistedsoul
Thankyou so much for this 💚
I'm sorry it took a while to reply I've kind avoided the thread as it was a lot of hurt in one place 😔
Reading back through what I said now stings, I mean no disrespect to any of the people in the circle, I listened to so many of them I know they are all going through their own things, I mean why else would you be here 😔
I've discovered that, or at least I think, (I don't have a therapist or anything so I'm just feeling all this stuff out myself) I have problems with feeling unheard or unseen, that I've always spoken with actions which is often too subtle for people to pick up on.
My "goodness" was how I got my attention growing up, it was all about smiles. - I got pretty good at making people feel good about themselves, though at 7yo I'm not sure it was in a particularly healthy way. -- I keep thinking about toxic positivity, feel like it fits In somewhere but I'm not sure.
You're totally right, I've always just figured it out, it was easier that way but as a result I'm not sure I know how to express a lot of things. I struggle to share most of what's going on in my head, typing about it here is definitely helping even when nobody replies - but somehow I need to translate it into speech, in a way that's healthy.
Thankyou for seeing me, it's suprise me every time 💚🐦
@WorriedMagpie Hey :) no worries ok? There's never any pressure or timeline to reply
I don't see it as you being disrespectful. You're right - we're all here for a reason but that also includes you too. You had the compassion to listen - sympathize and support others and you deserve the same - to be heard and given compassion. It isn't too much to ask for the same you give others
Sounds like well - what you said earlier about not being the bad news. Sounds like you learned that you can only share the good things. From what I understand toxic positivity - dismissing bad emotions is considered toxic - you probably allready know that :) But unfortunately it can't be good all the time ya know? Life is a mixed bag. Sharing bad things doesn't make you a bad person. I can understand that it would be hard to start sharing bad things with your family but here should be a safe place for you. Space to share anything - good or bad - with no judgement. I've told people before - come as you are. Good - bad and in between. It's all ok and its ok to be not ok
Tbh - it kind of sucks sometimes when there's no replies. Or you get a canned reply - thanks for sharing! I guess maybe sometimes we're just hoping someone can relate or offer a few words of encouragement?
Write however you need to - its hard to do. Boy do I know! I type and delete or write a post and then just close the whole thing - telling myself it doesn't matter. But maybe you could start a diary or journal here. There's a couple of different places. And if it's uncomfortable - you can have the thread deleted. You deserve to be seen and heard too ❤️
😬 sorry this is so long
@WorriedMagpie
I know how you feel, Magpie. Sharing circles are a challenging medium, especially since many or most of the people there are in the room to share themselves, just awaiting their turn.
You are important and valuable, and I know how much we all need to hear that, especially those who give much. You do good and you deserve good.
1-1 is usually better for validation and consideration that way, perhaps.
I believe in you and hope that you find good for you. I am glad that you are here. I see you.
Jeff
@WorriedMagpie if you think nobody cares, its wrong. there are many silent, shy souls listening, because they dont show up in chat doesnt mean they are not caring. continue your work, really you are inspiring a lot magpie. luv and hugs.
firstly I'm sorry if ive not replied to you, my heads been up my but this last week i appareciate all the messages on here <3
i just need to get this out...
TW -- family stress and disjoineted thougths
right now, I'm over whelmed, i think.stuffs gotten ontop of me. I've retreated again and ive been hit with mad amounts of brain fog. Im struggling to pinpoint where exactly its coming from this time, maybe its just a bit of everything. - maybe its a bit of burnout?
I was feeling so calm and in control, and then a few things went wrong and a few more and it just felt like one thing after another, and now im back in my own way saying " look i told you this would happen"
I dont think i sabotaged it this time though, or at least not puposefully: but then thats the point right it's subtle.
I've noticed myself acting really wierd, especially the last few days: or is this just me? I've been in and out of the chat rooms almost constantly for the last 48 hours, for no apparent reason other than maybe some company? I dont even know what I need... maybe just this, to get stuff out which in 2/3 line chat parades thats not exactly going to happen. I've been acting wierd, like a kid doing things without thought again. but it doesnt feel right, it feels fake? - it feels...like im hoping somebody will see through it ?
it feels like ... I just want someone to genuinely care (thats no dig at anybody thats taken the time to comfort me in the slightest) ...i feel unseen by the people i care about?
I'm going to see my family next week for the first time since the pandemic started. I think thats causing me massive amounts of stress rn. Were not exactly on normal talking terms, last time I spoke with my dad it ended badly, he caused me a lot of hurt. I dont know if he wants to apologise, he did call once with the intention of doing so (according to my mum) but never brought the topic up, and hasnt bothered since. I dont know how im going to act when I see him in person... I dont know how he's going to act, I have no control over that though. Maybe he's just scared... but then, he was always an arsehole growing up so why would that magically change.
I can only control the way I act and react, I've already gone through all of this and realised I can't change him, that comes from him. I can only make myself heard and protect my own wellbeing. If I want him in my life I must accept him as he is. I know that ....
Why am I scared they will all hate me? I'm not on bad terms with the rest of them at all, but for some reason im expecting to be judged and found lacking..... I've struggled, like really struggled and been in such a dark place over these last two years, and I've felt shunned as a result. My family lives a few hours away, they dont really have the money to travel, and I dont drive/ dont have money to take a train/ have kinda felt too scared to even go. My mum has a small idea of what Ive gone through, but she has no idea about the rest, but the others really know nothing, ive had absolutley no communincation.
I love my mum, i know she had a rough upbringing and I understand a lot of her actions, but u dont feel like shes ever really heard me. I always comforted her, still do - I knew things i really shouldnt have at such a young age, as a result I knew my tiny child opinion was really worthless. ...
Things i wanted to say ---
I dont want to move to a different city
Im scared
im sad
im hurt please stop laughing at me
i dont want dad to live here anymore
stop saying your doing this for us without even asking
stop telling me i look like a woman im 9
stop treating my brother like hes a vegetable - hes just autistic
help me
Please stop I dont like that
I think im disocciating? or depersonalising or something? I dont feel very here, rn.
I think I need to cut myself some slack, somehow :') once im past this visit next week hopefully thigs will start to settle, but I have so many other things that need attention so baby steps - im sure ill be back with more though
I think Im feeling a bit naseous over the fact Ive not replied to so many things - especially over on a post I've started, I've peeked in a few times but each I look there's more things to reply to so I'm starting to spiral over something that was supposed to bit a of fun.
Maybe I'm overthinking it? - maybe people don't care as much as I think they do? But then maybe they do and they think I'm taking the piss out of them and I don't value them when I've said I do - that I'm lying - I hate when people tell me I'm lying, oh there's a thing -- that's hit something
I just want everyone to know I'm not a bad person, all I want is for everyone to feel heard and valid but I can't express it -- I'm scared to come off as overbearing ? I'm paralysed by what people think -- why ... I don't exist for others fuck ...
It takes so much from me to say things at times, actually probably most of the time -- I guess that's why taking to myself here is so much easier -- so to be told I'm lying or that somebody has assumed I'm thinking something one way or another -- it hurts, I can't explain it, it's just making my cry thinking about it.
@WorriedMagpie Hey :) * offers safe hugs* I'm sorry - maybe you didn't want a reply - I just wanted to hopefully ease your mind alittle
If it's the thread I think it is - I don't think anyone thinks anything badly at all. You did an awesome thing and brought a bunch of people together over a common enjoyment. But you need to get enjoyment out of it too. Most of us understand how easy it is to get overwhelmed with replying to people and that overwhelm can lead to burn out really quickly. I don't want to see that happen
Just be you Mags ok? No-one thinks you're a bad person at all. And no-one thinks you're lying in anyway. I think you're pretty awesome and I'm grateful to know you and I want you to feel heard too. Your thoughts - your feelings are all valid too ❤️
*leaves a couple of safe hugs for later*
@WorriedMagpie Hope you don't mind. Just wanted to pop in and say Hey :)
@mytwistedsoul
Hey 💚 your company is always appreciated and thankyou for checking in, I genuinely appreciate the safe hugs 💚
I never expect a reply but they are always welcome💚 and I'm always always grateful that you've taken the time
Your right on the post, it's scared me off :') I think I tend to do this with a lot of things/people things start to go well and it scares me 😅
I'm so glad I can call you a friend, thankyou for all of your kind words and thoughts 💚
I think I'm still figuring out the being myself bit, but I'm glad the small bits of me I've put out haven't scared you/people off :')
And please please don't ever feel like you have to reply either, I know the anxiety that can build :")
Sending a big squeeze back 💚🐦
@WorriedMagpie
And thankyou for that 💚 - I guess I think pretty black and white on the topic of being bad or good - but only for myself 🙃 I understand everyone lives out in that grey area mainly, but yeah idk I really appreciate what you've said there it's hard to say it to yourself sometimes 😅💚
@WorriedMagpie I think I'm that way too tbh. I don't see much good in myself. But I think more grey when it comes to others but I have a hard time doing it with myself too
Can I ask - what scares you off? Was it because it started good and you're worried it will go bad or is it something more? No pressure to answer though ok? Sometimes I ask too many questions 😅
There's no rush to figuring yourself out - baby steps ya know? Maybe this is a place for little discoveries
Tbh - for me it's not really that I feel I have to reply - its more of a should I - am I being annoying if I do. Omg people are probably sick of hearing from me type thing. But I give you my word - it's not a problem if you don't reply to me - sometimes we just don't have the words or the energy to reply and it's all good.
hey @WorriedMagpie I'm so sorry to hear about your experience with sharing circle. It's been up and down, however, people are varied. but still, it must be quite sad when you give so much care but didn't get equal care from the other member of the group.