Raw thoughts *TW* *No replies*

So - first post to get it off the needs reply list :)

I've learned a few things the past couple months

Helping other's - talking with them - reminds me to be gentle with myself and it helps me with my own self compassion and that's a good thing. It helps pull me out of isolating - also a good thing

People's opinions and perception's of me DO NOT define who I am * keep in mind I do flip flop on this on because of how I sometimes see myself* Some people are quicker to point out your flaws and see the wrongs you have done rather then see the good you've done and admit or acknowledge their own flaws

I've learned to protect my energy better because the saying is true - you can't pour from and empty cup. Now that I'm more aware of this I remind myself that it's ok to need to take a step back - take a break and step back

I've learned that sometimes we have to make changes and that to keep doing the same things with the same results - really is insanity - because if it's not working - why wouldn't you try something different? *duh J*

I know there's still a long way to go but I think this is a really good start

Today is kind of a bad day. I'm not sure if it's anger or frustration or both. And it feels wrong to admit that. Makes me feel like a bad person to be angry. I'm tired of being the bad person. Maybe it's just worse because there were a couple of good days. Head wants to be busy today - repeating old messages. I think the worst part is things were feeling better and then I got what I asked for months earlier. It wasn't what I expected - it's was an assassination instead. Did more harm then good - thanks. Would have been to not say anything but why waste a good opportunity?

I still type and delete most of everything
This thread feels foreign - it feels - wrong. Maybe it's just me - maybe it just takes time

Sometimes the rope we thought we were holding on to as a life line was the very rope that was strangling us. There's a story about how if a dog is chained to a tree and every day a link is removed - the dog never really notices it. It gets to the point where the dog can no longer move anywhere but the dog never really noticed. Remove the collar and the chain and the dog will still question the freedom it now has. In many way's I think it happens to people - slowly - gradually we become conditioned to accept things. It goes so slowly at times that we're often left wondering how it happened - when did it happen. The new found freedom we have is questioned - I think that's where I am sometimes. There were allways so many rules to worry about - what to do - what not to do. It became all we knew and even now - There is allways a part of me worrying about following rules - out of fear - but we're adults now - mostly lol - we can make our own rules. We can make changes as we see fit. Holding on to the old ways and rules were just causing trouble and adding to anxiety. I need to remember that it's good to be playful and it's healthy to have fun. It's ok to talk to people here - it's even healthy

10:34am

I'd like to try to keep a time stamp on these - I know I'll forget but I'd like to try

I think there's some dissociation when I'm writing and I've been losing alot of time here and there. I'm trying - I really am - to keep all this together but there's times it feels like something is so incredibly lost. Idk - how to get it back. I try to be so careful with my words - because even if they're just words - they have power and people can use them to be cruel. They cut into the soul and get burned inside the brain and over ride everything because they match words of the past. I try to cover them over but they're so deep that they eventually bleed through and it takes me time to bandage them. Once it's been said - it can't be unspoken. So let the next words you say be ones that won't leave you broken

It's like I'm a shadow of myself - I step into the light for alittle but then retreat back into the shadows. Maybe the shadows feel too close to home - they're too comfortable - too safe. Used to have fun sometimes but now - it feels like I'm not supposed to

I've found little ways that help the anxiety when it rears it's ugly head but the depression - can't seem to keep it from smothering everything. When I have time to do things I enjoy - I have no motivation. When I have the motivation to do things - I don't have the time. Life's kind of funny that way isn't it?

Type and delete

How do I start to see this as a safe place again? How do I get to where I was? It wasn't this bad before - was it? When do I get to drop the horns for a while? How to lose the gag order?

Shhh - don't nobody move or breathe too hard. I found a small sliver of light and I need to keep it lit. I don't want to scare it away

This was the first time in a long time that things have felt ok. So we move slowly and gingerly on tiptoe because I need this moment of peace within - for how ever long it lasts - I need this

Today hasn't been too bad. Things got done. Struggling with words though and what I can say. Everything is - don't say that. Even this. Head was noisy for awhile - like dude - do you ever shut up? But I can't say that - or I shouldn't. He's nine - be nice. Trying to get old threads restored has been frustrating - close to two months now and nothing. Idk - might just have to face the fact that it'll never happen - just trying to be patient

I think - I need to - Idk - maybe accept that I'm never coming back to the person I was before this last bunch of sh*t - a lasting reminder of who you have to be careful letting in. Maybe that version of J is forever gone. This is J 2.0 but d*mn it crashes all the time

I remind myself that I am not alone with things I deal with - but it's gotten harder to talk about them. I could point fingers as to why but it doesn't matter anymore - it's just added to the roll of tape allready around my mouth

Anyway - fought for these words long enough

Oh - accountability - sucks - but there has been harm the past two days :(

It all seems kind of hopeless now doesn't it?

Anxiety is high today. Didn't sleep much last night - kept thinking there was someone else in the room. Some night's I'm afraid of the dark - some night's the darkness is my friend. I try not to withdraw but - Idk - I feel like such a horrible person most days. Most things just get internalized now - thoughts - feelings - concerns. Noone needs to know - anything. Because if they do - they'll see the monster I am. The horrible persons I'm made up of

The intrusive thoughts get pretty bad sometimes - anger can be an issue but I know where that's coming from at least - mostly anyway - and the headaches have been pretty bad. Trying to get threads restored is not working too good and that p*sses me off because I never should have deleted them but I was told they could be restored - so I feel alittle misled - had I known - I probably would have given it more thought before saying yeah. I feel like beating my head against a wall

Every word gets weighed - and measured - before it's typed out. Checked for - Idk - quality I guess. Do I need to write it? Does that need to be said? Do anyone even really give a rat's a*s? H*ll - do I even care? The shy naive person I was is just a shadow now - the other's who used to like to write here and share poems - don't have much desire to anymore. Some of it is the loss of the familiar threads - some of it is the feeling of being outcasts and not having a sense of belonging here anymore. Who else will we hurt? Who will hurt us? The feeling of hopelessness - is so heavy some days and some days there just isn't the strength to shake it off - instead we burrow alittle deeper

And the saddest part - is not being really sure of what is allowed anymore. When I shouldn't talk - I talk to much. When I should talk - I keep quiet and Idk what to do about any of it. I don't tell anyone when things are hurting - when the sadness is the greatest - before - it's best to not need anyone - I deserve all of it. The solitude - the pain - all of it