Rantings and Revelations ~ TW

TW: maybe - not abuse stuff but still, maybe TW. I think I should add that, maybe.

I am trying to write something and there is so much resistance. I think I need to put this out there and maybe get feedback in a subcom post? But where? I do not know what this would come under...dissociation? But, okay, I decided to just chill today and do a Smoke N - Think - A -Thon :P I love doing this - putting out my question ( to myself - to think about), getting a look at it from different perspectives and then a self - discussion and answer - or , insight.

And I " received" / realized a new understanding. A dip into seeing it in another detached way so gaining perspective. What I put out there, was, my whole dissociation shit that is going on right now. And when I saw the situation from that perspective of looking at it, everything sort of fell in place. I think I gave myself a narrative to not only understanding my abuse stuff, but also in understanding " me" and how I " think" and my sense of self.

So I am putting some sensitive stuff about me and how I think and am. I might not give too many specifics with some stuff - just feels invasive. Not what I am writing, but if I were to give details. I always lived in only My head , just like every person only experiences what is in their head. I never questioned how I think or how my brain is wired or what my inner reality was - it just was. I assumed everyone's brains worked the same way.

Now I am questioning this. I am getting this creeping feeling that none of this is " normal" brain thought process. So - if anyone is reading this, feel free to chime in about your thoughts on this. Is this how everyone's brains function? Does everyone do this? Is this - " mentally healthy"? :

- I dissociated around / during trauma - but, also in day to day non-abuse time. But I thought it was so cool that I could make myself " go away" on purpose. And I could conjure it up at will when I needed it: something was overwhelming, if was scared, things were too hard, ect, ect. Or sometimes, to just " go away".

I would just...push myself into the background far as I could go, and it would just be space - nothing scary, no feeling, no thinking , I was just = gone. ( details omitted due to threat) But I still had awareness, I was so proud that I could be completely away and at the same time, hold on conversations and do whatever while I was gone. Like a faint knowing / awareness that I was talking - but it wasn't me because I was away. No clue what they were saying. Didn't care. I Still do this as an adult sometimes. I just never second guessed this as abnormal.

Does everyone switch perspectives/world views in their head to get different perspectives on a situation? Like, this is just a normal brain process?

Is it normal to to have conversations with these different aspect of thoughts? Like, carry on a conversation back and forth with each of them? sometimes, group conversations with the parts, i guess. Because that is something I really like, the conversations with myself and the offerings of insight into things. I assumed, up until now - this is just how people, think.

I want to google this, to find out, but how would I even google this? i don't want to bring this up to my therapist unless I discover this is not normal brain function. I just never new to think about this or ask about this before. Maybe I am being paranoid?

What about feeling like being at a table with a bunch of your friends expect its located in your mind , in thoughts and energy and beings, each independent. How do I explain this....? It is like, a gathering of parts/perspectives/opinions/ ways of seeing the world/parts of me. I always just thought of this all as aspects of me. Or like if I focus on one part/aspects, it can hang out and stay a while. Show me another perspective. This is just my world.

And how my inner world has always been so much more fascinating than the outer - because it is rich and full - it is not lonely in my mind - there is a sense of comfort in all of this - the ways my brain works. How I can pose questions and get answers. I never put this together before - that I do this and this sudden onslaught of how "it" keeps me silent (its still here - hovering and keeping what I type in line to make sure I do not say anything...identifying? I am not sure)

I really have such hard time with my inner critic - which , I realized in that insight moment, is perhaps not quite how everyone experiences theirs. It is...more interactive than that, and that's all I can say about that.

I never thought to think about any of this being, maybe, not normal - I thought, im an original. My brain may be a lil twisted - lol - but it is still the way everyone is. Never thought to think about it. It is normal to me - always has , always will be. Just the way life is. It is normal for me as long as something like this with it/she trying to shut me down all the time like just recently with therapy. stuff.

I do not even know where to go to find out if this is normal - maybe I am being super weird and paranoid now about a new diagnosis - but fuck a diagnosis if there is something wrong with my way of being - because i just look at it like, well, i like it. It works quite well, thank you. Always been a comfort to be able to "go away" for a while and to try on a lot of different perspectives and let them talk so I can fully grasp something and have insight. I think I am being a dumbass and paranoid.

Doesn't everybody have aspects of themselves that they can talk with? How can I google this. I do not even know what to read - maybe I am just concerned about nothing.

I am hitting add post.

Cringe.

I do not even know who all contributed. I am not even used to calling or thinking them as contributing because they just do when they want/need to. I am not used to thinking of them as them/he/she/it...just always been - parts of ME. Not ever taken out and pointed my finger at as " separate " from me.

Ahhh - help needed.

I am beginning to think that I do not Want to work on abuse stuff anymore. Every time I try to look at it or heal from it and talk about it - I just go crazy and fuck shit up in my life - things just go awry. So far, my " reactions" to processing this stupid abuse crap has been:

Nightmares, Little Me, tantrums, resurgence of body memories, emotional flashbacks, issues with keeping track of time, this part that won't let me talk, anxiety, health obsessions and fears, my OCD trying to return, random smells that give way to flashbacks, emotional dysregulation ( more than normal), so much anxiety, I've stopped talking to all ( lol, my three) my friends and they are so mad at me, not able to talk to my dad or sister or be around them at all, dissociation all the fucking time, not being able to sleep without the damn light on, afraid of my own thoughts, bought of denial I can't push threw, realizing the extent ( and not even being able to get to it all), flashbacks, difficulty even talking to people, can't hardly talk to my aunt - and I live with her, this weird eyes not mine and not processing thing, feeling like I ( me) keep going into the background and parts/aspects of me just jump in and just feeling bat shit crazy All the dam time and all the damn self harm. Oh - and the eating disorder popping back in and out of my life.

Part of me wants to just be like - fuck this. This is crazy, I can't do this much harm to myself anymore. Maybe healing from abuse is something that other people can have, not me. But that sucks, I am so angry about that. I didn't ask for the abuse and for all the ways in which it ruined and fucked with my life so bad. And it is so not fair that I can't heal from it. Live my life in fucking misery growing up and never have any end to the damage because even though I am not being abused now ( other than a different way - what my family does to me now) I am still paying the stupid price for it.

Part of me wants to just hang in there and continue - as hard as it is to even stay Present and grounded with trying to hold memories and share them - keep pushing forward in healing so that I can Finally have healing and be free to be myself and live a life that is actually not hell and worth living. But is that even something that is possible - for me.

And I am just so ANGRY today. So damn angry. I am pissed at my abuser for doing this to me and ruining who I am and ruining my life. My ENTIRE life. And I can't even function in my life now because of me trying to heal from it. Maybe I have no right to heal.

It just never fucking stops. Nothing ever will stop, will it?

I thought that my decision to put my abuse stuff to the side and not think about healing/working through my trauma would make it all go away. Lol, that was very much wishful thinking. It does not make it go away - just because I am not consciously trying to work on it. Just because I push it to the furthest corners of my mind doesn't mean it is still not going to wreak havoc on my daily life. I guess I do have to work through this because I do not want to live in... the shadows of my abuse and have it pull all the strings in my life like I am some puppet.

Out of this blue today, I felt it: I am scared. The fear. Being unsafe. I could smell the air I was breathing. It was not today's air - but the old air - the air I breathed when I was a kid. Not Safe. And everything came flooding back: memories, feeling, the sheer hopelessness and terror of daily life.

I am not there anymore ( I think I am trying to convince myself because I am having trouble FEELING, safe. I know I am not in the past anymore but my feelings are). I guess this all does have to come out - out of me, out of my mouth out of my body and out of my life. Pushing it away doesn't work. It's like that analogy with the beach ball - the harder I try to push that beachball down under the water - the harder it fights with such force to come right back up to the top of the water.

I have to face this. This stuff did happen. This stuff was my reality, constant reality. I survived. I am safe now. I have decided that it is okay to hold it - maybe not alone, maybe just in therapy at first. Maybe my therapist can teach me how to hold this and be/feel safe. I can't push this away anymore. It doesn't go anywhere. It is always right here. The only way to make it " go away" is to talk about it, feel it and work through it. Learn a new way of thinking about it and me. Move forward and build a different way of holding it so that it does not run my life anymore.

But how Do I hold it? How Do I talk about it? I want to talk but my mouth is shut for me. But I have to - this life I live now is nothing but running away. But it's so pointless because I can not running anywhere. I run and run until my legs are exhausted but I do not go anywhere. The life I live now , it is not even a life worth anything. I feel like I am in purgatory. Fear of the past and far of Him and even the fear of myself - it Runs my life.

There is no joy anymore. I have hit rock bottom. I merely exist - I am not living - not anything even close to living. I am just running. I have pushed everyone away from me. I have no goals. I have no reason to even wake up in the morning. Every morning I write a do- do list and fill it with pointless menial tasks just to give me a reason to wake up in the morning and to endure the day. I am sick and tired of living this way - walking around, half dea/d. That is exactly what I am doing - walking around a shadow of myself - half de/ad.

I no longer smile, I no longer laugh. I am not comfortable in my own skin. I honestly do not remember the last time I had something to hope for or look forward to. I do not remember the last time I even laughed. How sad is that It is like I have closed off my world, myself. Nothing comes in and nothing gets out. Living on pause. But live is right here, right now, I just turn myself away from it. My abuse stuff has turned me in on myself. Has made me shut out myself and shut out the world. I live in this hellish existence of my mind. Running from the past and running from myself, my feelings and my memories.

And even here, right now with the best intentions - I want to talk about it but I just don't know how. I can not even talk about him or anything to do with Him. I don't even allow myself to think of the other him in a way that surfaces the abuse. I am trapped and I do not know how to did myself out of this hole.

I hate living in the house some days. Today is one of those days. There are too many memories here. And my aunt has kept this house precisely how it has always looked. I am not kidding - it is like a freaking museum to memories of the past; a time capsule. I could look at a picture taken in this house YEARS go and it still looks just like how it. And memories perfectly fit here. Walking through rooms with shadows - frightening shadows that breathe.

The living room, the dining room, the TV room, the kitchen and the basement. He is still there - in those rooms. I walk in and remember. I look around and can see. A thousand memories haunting every room.

He seems to still invade every part of my life, every part of me. So much power.

You've been in my thoughts and I hope you're doing ok ❤

You were in my thoughts today

@blissedNblessed Hey you :) you popped into my thoughts today. I got some beautiful black violas - made me think of your pansies ❤

@blissedNblessed You have been in my thoughts and maybe I shouldn't be concerned but I am alittle tbh - but I don't want to seem clingy either

I hope you're doing ok. That you're doing good things for yourself and finding a way to make peace with the past

*leaving you a safe gentle hug and sending you good vibes*

@blissedNblessed You popped into my head today

*sending good vibes*