Rantings and Revelations ~ TW
This is going to be my space where I can vent and rant and
put a voice knew understandings. A place where I smear my secrets on canvas so
I gain better perspective…or just have a place to go when I can’t go anywhere else,
and my brain and memories are haunting me.
…TW: Sexual Abuse, Physical Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Verbal Abuse, Self – Harm, Eating Disorders, Sexual Assault...
Well, I did it. I read it - the whole memory, out loud.
I feel...nothing. Numb.
It is sort of a let down. I was expecting a burst of emotion, then healing. But I was so numb and guarded. I was inside, battling away the emotions - not safe, not safe. Do not feel them. Do not show them.
I could not accept or feel or even look at her face. I asked her to turn her head. There was such shame. I kept apologizing, too, that is was gross , what I was saying.
I could not take in her compassion, her pain she had for my pain. I would not accept her humanity. I did not deserve it.
I felt all these dangerous emotions looming and building and I was batting them all away like some perverse game of badminton.
I almost Want to feel...something. But I cannot. It's bothering me. And I am sitting here, with my aunt in and out of my space - and I am just, faking happy.
We processed...nothing today. Oh, she talked, she said a lot - but I could Not Hear it. She was talking and her words could not reach me. I maybe would not let the words meet me. Because if I did, that is too dangerous. If I feel the full force of my emotions, I am seriously afraid, that I will die. So I am numb. Safe.
She said it is up to me what we discuss next session on Thursday. I have decided: I am going to process what I told her today. I am going to TRY, to let down my guard and trust in not only my ability to cope, but her ability to help me cope, with all and anything that comes up.
And I KNOW what it is that I need to discuss, to process: I need to name who HE is. I need to say the relation he is to me. I know that she knows who he is, but she said nothing because I asked her not to. There will be no healing until I can accept who he is to me and what he has done. I do not eve know how to have him in my life now...
I have been avoiding him for weeks now. And I feel so guilty! I erase his voicemails without listening to them. I do not take his calls nor call him back. I do not know how to have him in my life. I feel such guilt for treating him like this. I hate myself for doing this. And I hate myself for hurting him. ( Lol, if he even cares that I didn't call him back).
This, this next step towards integrating this memory into my accepted reality, this is something I have no clue how to do. Because if this is true ( I know it is true, but I cant allow myself to accept it) who I am, what my life has been and is, falls apart. I become a statistic, even more so than I already am.
I am going to try to journal here about this, before my next session when we talk about it - if I can. Oh God, I don't know if I can. But then I think, well, I thought I could not say out loud, the memory - so maybe I Can, after all, speak who this person is. And I know I will hate myself . Hate myself as a response to it ( even more than I do now). I am terrified of this.
...I want to feel - something. This is bothering me. It really is. I do not feel alive. I do not feel real. Nothing is real - just swimming through - foggy. How is this healing? I am not even here.
TW TW TW TW TW TW TW TW TW TW TW TW TW TW TW TW TW TW TW TW TW TW TW TW TW
~ PLEASE, PLEASE, NO COMMENTS ~
1. some details about sexual abuse 2. i don't know what's coming out of my mouth 3. self - harm
I can't fucking do it. I can't.
I smoked up tonight just to Feel...something, anything. But when I smoke alone, I think. I analyze. I self introspect. Today was NOT the day to do it.
I start thinking, she asked me, my therapist, how old I was at the time of the memory I spoke about. Young. Very young. I didn't tell her - I was disoriented, I didn't know. 4. 4 or5. That's how old. I know this because my parents were still married, and the other He, he was abusing me too and the apartment I was living in then.
And I called it, what happened, " naked wrestling". That's all I understood - I didn't know. I called it that, and believed it, up until like 4 months ago - no shit. That's when all the narratives started falling apart. The veils lifting. Looking at what I Thought it was - the name I gave it, and seeing it for what it really is.
And the narrative was: it only happened once or twice, a few times - maybe a little more...but Only at a certain age, only in a small frame of time. So, I started thinking...what's another narrative that doesn't quite fit - what's another time I knew it was wrong and bad and gross but I tell myself nothing happened.
Nothing happened. Nothing. I just told my therapist about the first time my ____/He raped me. Nothing. Naked wrestling. It was all okay...
So I started thinking of this other time ( it's okay, was in the same time frame. nothing happened. Just a few times. Only a lil span of time) that I felt off but have big blanks. 8. I was 8. Give or take a year. I know it because its his first apartment after - I can't say, that would give it away. The Horrible apartment. I hate that apartment. I was 8.
So many more too...narratives. Ages. Time frames. I told myself only once. Or only a few times. Just like less than a year of it, no worries No big deal. It Is a big deal. It was NOT a short time span. It was not once or twice. I always knew this but I wouldn't let myself see this. I can't explain. Years. He was doing this to me for years. I don't know how long, I really don't. Ages are fuzzy now.
I am sick to my stomach. I feel like I am going to puke. The couch - the nasty blue and white couch - I want it to burn. The white stucco walls - take a sledgehammer to it. The ugly orange and yellow flowers on the sheets - I hate them. The Every celling I watched from. Everything I melted into. I hate them all.
It makes sense now..it really does. Why he was so angry when I walked funny...
It hurt, ( " down there") all the fucking time. It hurt so bad I could not walk right. I could not sit. I could not do Anything without pain. And because of the pain, I would do this weird cowboy shuffle like walk and pick at my underwear in hopes it would help - it never did. The pain was constant. And the fucking infections. Omg - OH MY FUCKING GOD. Even the dr. knew - little girls do not keep getting infections ( down there) for no reason, yet the damn dr kept sending me back home.
So this walk - this walking funny thing. He, the one from today's memory at the therapist, would get so Angry - so Enraged- when I walked like that. Blind fucking rage. and scream at me to stop. I couldn't. It hurt so bad - I literally could not stop that. I tried. And when I could not - he would kick me there ( down there) so hard. Over and over. Maybe he felt guilty? Or maybe he just didn't want that to give it away . He said that it, " looked ugly". The walk - it's so strange though - ugly is not the right word. He didn't speak English as a first language. So the translation is never right in my head. And the Spanish he spoke - triggers me so fucking bad.
Years not days. Years of this shit. Another narrative. The sleeping bag. I actually thought that's all it was - I even told the child psychologist ( I just called her Mrs. P) that we slept in a sleeping bag together. I even told her, that he only wore his underwear. I didn't think anything was wrong. It's fine. That's just what happens. Nothing happened. We just slept ( ... except when he pulled down my underwear, but I made myself forget that). Mrs. P freaked out! She told my mom ( another time my mother knew and didn't save me, didn't make anything stop. was I not lovable enough to protect, worthy enough?) Why was this not investigated. I denied everything. Shut down. Can't prove anything. I'm not bad. I won't get anyone in trouble. Please don't hate me.
Piece of shit. Shit. Nothing but a thing.
No wonder I wince and stop breathing when he hugs me. Why I am so damn scared. Why I want to rip open my skin and escape. Why I can not , not dissociate every damn time I am near him. Why I just want to run away.
The camping trip - I can't even. Why will this not stop. This is my life and I want it back. The damn camper. I hate that camper - I hate camping - the fucking smell. I just can't. This needs to stop - its one after another - narratives falling and I just can't.
All different ages - the span is Not what I told myself - the lie narrative was wrong - and it didn't keep me safe. It just kept me stupid. How can I even be AROUND HIM? How can he even treat me like how he does? No respect for my boundaries, doesn't stick up for me with his wife and kids, when I visit he makes me stay later and longer than I want to - regardless of what I say, he ignores me and talks over me, tells me dirty jokes, yells at me...this is not okay. Why do I put up with it? Why can't I just fucking - ahhhh, I don't even know. yet he has to be in my life. How, I don't know.
I'm going to be sick ... I'm dizzy. I can't think anymore.
I never wanted to entertain this idea before because I wanted to somehow, not smear his, idk - what I think of him. They knew each other well. He and the other He. Did they know? Did they talk about it? Did they plan and plot? Or did they act like nothing was going on? Tripping on each others words? Did they share The Pictures? The nasty ones - the hidden ones - the forced ones? Did they both hate? Was there love? What WAS I>\?
WHAT WAS I TO THEM?
A thing. Body's fault. The body's fault. Down there is bad. I thought this for so long. IT caused it. That's why it's punished. So I punished it too. Not now, before. Before when all this reared its head and I was lost in it, hating her, her the little one hurt. It was her fault. ( It's not). Curling iron. To punish IT. ( I will never do that again, even now as crazy as I feel, I never will do that again, little me, please forgive me, big body, please forgive me.) Look what you fucking made me do you bastards. Look what I became because of all of this.
I woke up today and nothing feels the same. I feel so... stained. I am just trying to feel ... normal. But I just feel like I woke up from a nightmare. And I can't shake it - everything I think, do or see , is tainted. Like a nightmare I can not wake up from.
I feel like I just climbed out of his grasp. I can feel his fingers on my skin. Handprints, hot, into my skin. And I am left with nothing but charcoal and ash. Charcoal is useful - you can draw with that - paint something beautiful. All in the name of healing, right? This was such a fucking great idea, right?
I am freezing cold and I can't warm up. Everything is different now. Why can't I just pretend and go back to what I used to think - separate jagged memories , unrelated. Jagged and sharp - too easy to cut myself on.
I can not explain this! How I feel. So dirty and ... ruined! That's it, I feel: RUINED. I thought sleep would help, help make it GO AWAY. It won't. It's right here. In the center of my life. I want to reach out to my therapist - and I can't. What do I say? I know she doesn't want me to write memories in emails - she wants me to read them. Does that mean I can't email? No, she told me to reach out to her if I am having a hard time. I AM having a hard time. What do I saY? hOW DO i EXPLAIN ALL OF THIS? I can't use my words. They will just fall out of my mouth and drop to the ground. What do I say? What can I say?
I can't rip this out of my throat! I can't rip it out of my body. I cant rip it out of my brain. It won't stop casting shadows over everything. I wanted thi9s, I wanted truth. I wanted healing - this does not feel like healing. Lying that it didn't happen feels more like healing. Pretending nothing happened, that feels more like healing than this.
MAYBE I CAN PRETEND NONE OF THIS IS REAL!
@blissedNblessed Hey you - I just want you to know I'm sitting here with you. I wish I had something I could offer you - some words of wisdom - something that could magically make it better and ease your pain. Healing is like opening Pandora's box and once we open it - we want nothing more then to shove everything back in and close the box up tight. But we can't - we can't fully live otherwise with everything locked up. The more you know - the less you want to know. There's a saying that ignorance is bliss - what we don't know can't hurt us but with trauma it still hurts us - does that make any sense? We can try and ignore the past - our past but it insinuates into everything. It affects us and our lives sometimes so silently and subtly - it's like a silent assassin
Of course you can email her - Maybe you can tell her just what you said here - that you're having a hard time but that you're having trouble explaining - that you can't find the words to explain - I'm sure she'll understand
*sending you peace and strength*
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you for being here with me, for sending me peace and strength - for reaching out to me when I could not reach out to you. I appreciate you in my life. Thank you. I wanted to write back to your other post - I was planning on it, I just was waiting until things settled in my head a bit and I can stop silently screaming so much - so much in my head, on my skin, in my thoughts.
I love that analogy of healing being like opening Pandora's box! This is exactly what is going on! I just feel so stupid for believing my own lies! And when truth bleeds in and the box opens - I do not know what to do. Everything is different, my life, myself, my world. I lived this life i didn't even let myself feel or think about - until now. How could I just compartmentalize all that and not feel it?
But I guess I did feel it - I felt it in every way and in every self harming action and thoughts of self hate. Your are so right - won't we don't know , with trauma, Still Does hurt us - its the undercurrent of Everything. But what I know now, that hurts. What I didn't know - and omg, what I still don't know and what I still have not allowed myself to see the reality behind the story I tell about it - that will hurt. Why is there no end to the hurting?
I really love how you said, we can't live fully hiding away memories and feelings and actions. We cant live an authentic life when all our energy goes into hiding everything - running from it. That is exactly why I started therapy to begin with. But this, it doesn't feel helpful, just harmful. I am so tired of harm. But, part of me Does know, I do, that I HAVE to go through this part in order to heal.
I spent my whole damn life hiding from this. I just do not even understand how I could live my whole life and believe these lies of protection. Now that the leis/narratives are falling and coming undone - i am feeling Just like how I did back then. I am having such a hard time handling this. I have never handled this. HOW do I handle this? I don't even know what to do.
I think I will email my therapist - just tell her the lies have come undone, and I cant stop feeling the reality and I don't know what to do with it. I just wish I didn't FEEL this way - the way it used to feel - and the physical feelings - the damn hands.
But I do not want her to call me - I can't speak. Again. Why. It's not I can't tell , this time its different - I do not even care enough about the assholes to even keep their secrets anymore. I just have SO much to say, I don't know how to. I have never done this. And I don't want her to cam with me - I don't want her to LOOK at me. And I will fall apart in her compassion - I know I will.
@blissedNblessed It's not stupid. I think we all tell ourselves stories - to explain away things - to ease some of the pain. We maybe make excuses for things that happened - we reason with ourselves. Plus if the people - the adults - who were in our lives at the time had no issues with what was going on - why should we?
You're right - how do you handle this? You talk - you talk and you process. And just when you think you're done talking about it - you talk some more. Your therapist will help you - we can listen to you here. It sucks - I know it does. You let the light hit deep wounds - now it has to breath. In order to heal - the wounds have to see the light. Each time you talk you add alittle salve to it - it still hurts but as time goes on it starts to not hurt as bad. I'm sorry it's not something that has a quick fix - God I wish it was. Do what you can to try and calm yourself - remind yourself that you're safe - distract like crazy
If all you can do is email her - just explain to her - that your words are easier to use that way. That to speak them aloud is impossible - she'll understand
*offering a safe gentle hug - no pressure though ok?*
I emailed her, my therapist
I don't know how to explain all of this:
I will be all over the place, but let me try to explain. This is what I thought she said: That she can no longer see me and I need more intensive help than she can give and she wants to put me in some treatment center in some other state. And not have any therapy anymore unless I go. and that I am not emotionally safe.
What she actually said was ...im not eve sure! I am so triggered right now. I am shaking and my head is buzzing. I was in the worst place for her to be talking to me.
She had tried to say, or said and i misinterpreted(?), that she thinks i need more emotional support and she doesn't think i am emotionally safe. she still will see me for therapy. she wants me to go to treatment center for trauma. she wants to have permission to talk to my shrink. We will talk about this on Thursday.
What I HEARD/read:
There is something wrong with me. My emotions and reactions and memories are wrong and crazy and i need psychiatric help. She wants to get rid of me because i am too crazy and throw me in a center and walk away. And this is the PUNISHEMNT i get for telling. And then, she is leaving and doesnt want to continue therapy. This is the part of the trigger thas is saying, see, you told and everyone will hate you and blame you and leave.
She CANT talk to my shrink. my shrink doesn't know im seeing her. i feel like if she says anything about trauma he will feel rejected that i went to her behind his back. and i feel she will believe his misdiagnosis about bipolar - then think im just bipolar and not validate my feelings at all. Then i will just end up in a mental hospital when all it is is my fuking trauma, fucking me up, again, runing my life again.
Its not bad enough the trauma fucked up my life up to this point, its got to contiue to ruin everything for me.
Then, THEN, im thinking there IS something wrong with m e- because my aunt called from downstairs and i misread what she was saying thinking she was fighting with me and trying to control me and i freaked out all self protect mode.
Why does the therapist want to talk to my shrink? WHAT THE FUCK. This can NOT happen. I will NOT allow this shit. She can just fucking walk the hell out of my ficking life - i do not give a shit.
Then im here, alone again, trying to pick up the pieces. again. always. how the hell am i going to heal of no one will even want to listen to me or help me. how can i heal when everyone always just leaves?
I AM SO NOT OKAY
@mytwistedsoul
@blissedNblessed
And what the hell is emotional safety?
Does anyone know?
I tried to google this and it just doesn't make sense to me.
Is it not having a support system or like, being crazy and not safe? in emotions? IDK
@blissedNblessed Oh man :( ok so let's take a deep breath. I can understand why you're upset and I'd be freaking out too. I know I tend to loose the conversation too when I get upset. Everything just turns off and I cant make any sense of it
Its not a punishment though - ok? I know it feels that way but it's not. You did nothing wrong with telling - could she maybe want to try something like hypnosis or something to help you release the memories in a way that's not so traumatic?
You still hold the cards. You get to say if she can talk with him. Could she maybe want to discuss any meds or anything? She might want to see what he has to say about things - like you said prior diagnosis and stuff. But she needs your ok to do it
You're under alot of stress and strain right now - it's understandable that you misheard your aunt. You can allways say you're sorry and day you misheard
God - I am so so sorry this has turned into such a clusterfuck - but you didn't do anything wrong - none of this is punishment. Maybe she could give you some information about this trauma center or maybe you can Google it and see what it's about. They can't just lock you up and they assess you - the doctors at these places. I mean if you're a harm to yourself or others they can keep you for 72 hours - unless rules have changed. But they can't keep you forever
I am - man I so sorry this is going like this
* sending you strength* I know it's not much
@mytwistedsoul
That's just it - I do not understand what is going on because she even said, she knows I am not a danger to myself or others. She said she knows i am physically safe...so its about being emotionally safe. I do not even know what that means! She said she wants to discuss it Thursday. ( Am I paying for that? lol) This is bullshit. Why in the hell would she need to talk to him, there is no reason! And I am not going to some treatment center.
All I did was express how I FELT and that it was overwhelm. Asked her what to do..um, like seriously, what was wrong with that? I have not done this talking this talking things before , i dont know what im doing. seriously, did i step out of bounds or act in a way that makes it seem i need more help?
Well, on Thursday, she is going to say, i know, she cant see me or do some threat like she cant unless she talks to my dr - fuck that - she can walk.
@blissedNblessed I looked it up alittle and from what I understand emotional safety is - Psychological Safety is the absence of harm and/or threat of harm to mental well-being that anyone can experience
And I found this website - https://www.genesisshelter.org/emotional-safety-planning/ it gives alittle more details. It sounds like she's worried about your mental well being? Um - how long have you been seeing her - if you dont mind my asking - could it be that maybe she just doesn't know you well? Like - maybe she's reading too much into email? I really hope she doesn't say she can't see you anymore - it doesn't seem right. You can tell her when you see if - remind her that this was the first time you shared something this big and you were freaked out - which is to be expected and that you were trying to explain how you felt to her and thought that maybe she had some coping skills
Idk - honestly - it doesn't seem like you over stepped boundaries but tbh - I can be really bad with those sometimes
@mytwistedsoul
That helped - thank you for looking that up and finding the definition and link tot he checklist. I think you are right! she does not know me well enough to know this is not a crisis - these are ebbing and flowing feelings and yeah - i major freak out because i just realized the length of the abuse, ect. and i just tore everting open by talking for the first time. She is my new therapist - I just found her, LOL. so we are still trying to get to know each other i guess. I am going to tell her Thursday that i can fully capable of feeling the enormity of my emotions, flashbacks, triggers and all of that and STILL be NOT in crisis. Hopefully that will put her at ease. If not, maybe someone else would be a better fit, i guess. it would sucks so bad though - to have to start all over, I don't think i can.
@blissedNblessed You're welcome :) I'm glad it helped. To me your reaction is normal and to be expected at least in my opinion anyway. Like you said you just ripped open everything and you freaked out - totally expected and since you're just getting to know each other its hard to tell each other's reactions. Her first reaction is to make sure you're safe - which is good but yet she made you feel as though you were handling things wrong - as someone just told me - we all handle things differently. There's no book of regulations anywhere stating we need to act and handle things a certain way. Or that we have to handle it the way they would - they're not us and we're not them
And you totally right and good for you! You telling her that will say alot to her and show her you're stronger than she thinks and you are strong Bliss - never doubt that :) It would suck to have to start over but at the same time - if she can't handle things at their worst then maybe it's not a good fit and all these things are under your control - you have the say - noone else. I have to tell you - I know I have before but - I really am proud of you. You faced a hell of a storm and you faced it - you bowed but you didn't break
@mytwistedsoul
right! If she cannot help me in my hard times - then I know she is not a good fit. And yup, totally in my control. I will not allow her to talk to my shrink nor send me away. And if she continues to treat me like she thinks I'm in crisi-s - when I'm not, i was just sharing feelings, then I will let her go.
It will suck so bad to start over - I probably just wont get anyone else. But will be better than what I have now. I really think your right, she needs to know me better to realize that I am safe. I feel so weird that she reacts to me like this and she always is trying to get me to push my feelings away . That is so counterintuitive to healing, isn't it? It is almost like She is afraid of my feelings.
@blissedNblessed Hopefully she'll understand better tomorrow. I hope things work out though and she gets a better understanding of how you handle things and you don't have to drop her - you should be able to have a safe place to discuss your feelings without having to worry about someones reactions to it. Kind of like - just let me lose my shit for alittle and let me know it's ok to lose it and I'll be fine
It does seem kind of counterintuitive but I guess maybe since she doesn't know you very well yet - she's kind of making assumptions? Maybe she's worried that if you feel too much all at once - it'll be too much and you won't be able to handle it?
and of course i sound like a crazy piece of shit right now. Of course. But i did NOT sound like this in the email - it was expressing how i express here - sharing my feelings and the fact that floodgates opened and all these memories and flashbacks wont stop. That does not make someone crazy or emotionally unsafe.
I do not even know if I am angry, more determined to heal ...or completely shattered : I feel ALL of them.
I am angry because she said it was safe to talk - she said I don't have to believe those lies about they will hate you, they will leave you, you will be punished , if you tell. Then I told, and what fucking happens? She's leaving me and I have no one to help me and I swear, it FEELS like I am being punished because this crap she's saying about treatment centers and talking to my shrink - that's PUNISHMENT.
I am even more determined to heal because as much as this is emotional torture to go through, at least I am FEELING that which was stuck, lodged in my throat for all these years of a lifetime. At least I am not lying to myself and I can see and hopefully, accept what happened as having happened. So I can embrace those parts me me that need healing, and I can feel these things for them - with them. So I can release it and let it go. And write a better story for myself. I am not afraid of pain. My whole LIFE has been pain. I don't understand what she doesn't understand about I will not break, I will be okay - i NEED to feel. And as much as I hate the flashbacks, and I HATE them, and the emotional flashbacks ( even worse) and the dam triggers that bring me right back - all the ways in which I live in constant fear and even fear of myself - all that is fucking WORTH IT if it leads to healing . I am done stuffing this shit down. That wasn't working.
And I am shattered at the same time. Because that little me - shes cowering and quivering because there, hes your worst fear come true - look what happened when you told. And my adult me - yeah, i feel exactly the same.
And to top all this shit off - like I need more, I am Still trying to gain my bearings from having my world shattered with realizing the damn extent of his abuse. I am terrified to go to sleep tonight. My thoughts will go, emotions will engulf me and there's always the lovely nightly flashbacks. ( But god forbid i tell my therapist this, she will probably have me locked up).
@blissedNblessed *extra safe gentle hugs for you and little you*
I wonder if you could tell her that - what you said in the beginning of this last post. Kind of like you're calling her out on what she said about it being safe to talk and then she drops these bombs on you. Talk about bad timing
This is still a safe place for you - I mean I know we can only share so much here but this is a safe place for you - without judgement or fear of punishment or anyone thinking your crazy - because you're not. You're honest with what you're feeling and thinking - people can't allways seem to handle that or maybe they don't understand. Maybe they can't - because they weren't the one who went through what you did - but how you're handling it - how you react to it - isn't wrong . You're the one who went through it - who are they to tell you how you can or should handle it?
There's alot of strength in what you wrote here - maybe some of it is anger but there's alot of strength too and determination :)
*sorry - don't mean to be a pest*
@mytwistedsoul
<3 You are not being a pest! You are being so supportive of me and are such a lifeline and I am so grateful! You have this perfect timing and seem to post and tell me things I need to hear at the right times - its awesome.
And I did tell her, in text - about feeling hat she did all that I feared: left me and punished me. She didn't respond to that - i am wondering if she can even hear me and i do not have a problem with the written word - just talking aloud.
I speak with her tomorrow ( god, so nervous). I am going to be my own self advocate and assertively express what I need and feel and if she cant help me, i will find someone else that can. I am just so...feeling near hopeless because it was SO HARD to find her - there are so many therapist that are full and not taking new clients .. and to find a trauma based one that does telehealth ( because of my health).
I feel like I am the only one Fighting for myself, so hard - all the time. And having to start over again, after this, and attempt to trust again with my stuff that is so secretive and shameful and so powerfully and overwhelmingly emotional. And I feel - so fully.
I know I can call this crisis trauma abuse phone number and they will help me find someone - but ahhh, that search again and the the interviewing to see if they will fit with me - apparently that didn't work with this one. I am so scared to do this again and god forbid, this all fall apart again on me. I can't help but to feel this is about me - a rejection Of me. But the healthy part of me know, Knows -tis is about her and her inability to cope with my feelings .
I know myself. I know i am emotionally safe ( thank you for the links and definition). I know I do not need meds or some trauma center treatment program. I know I need to feel. This is the keep to healing. if I am not afraid of it, why is she?
Thank you for pointing out that it is safe here, and I can process and put my feelings out in here - and be heard, understood and not judged or looked at as crazy. I do not know what i would do without this journal, this support, cups and all the beautiful souls on here .
And thank you for the reminder of my strength and saying you see my determination. Yes - I am damn determined to feel and process and remember and HEAL. And regardless of is she stays, leaves or if i have to get another therapist - i will not quit on myself ! ( It just hurts).
@blissedNblessed Thank you - sometimes anxiety says I'm wearing out my welcome and then I worry about over stepping or saying something to make things worse and I try - I really try to do the right thing
Unfortunately - I think that's just the way it is - we have to fight for ourselves because noone else is going to fight for us. Maybe they don't understand how we feel or how we think - maybe they can't - maybe it's because they haven't been in our situations - maybe they think we should just be able to shrug our shoulders and say it's ok and be done and over it
Maybe she needs time to think about what you wrote her - maybe that will help her see that what she did was wrong. I guess one way to try and see it positively is is that - while it really really sucks that this happened - especially now - maybe it's good it did happen now before you shared more with her?
And it is about her - if she doesn't feel she can help you then that's her - it doesn't mean you're bad or that it's your fault or that you're too broken - she just doesn't have the skills. Maybe she can recommend someone - I realize that sounds lousy - but if she can't handle it maybe she knows someone who might be better at it. I can totally understand being nervous about talking to her tomorrow - because you don't know what you're walking into - is she going to be open to hearing you or has she allready made up her mind about things? And you're absolutely right - noone knows you - like you do and you have an idea of what you can handle and tolerate
You deserve to heal and you're the one putting in the work - don't let anyone tell you other wise but it does hurt - you're right and it sucks and you're finding out how strong you are and how dedicated you are to work towards you're healing
*cool tune btw :) *
@mytwistedsoul
I think you are very right with saying that a lot of therapists might just feel we should be able to talk about it and then shrug it off and be fine. My shrink is like that actually, it sucks. He knows enough that he could diagnose , but not details - he just doesn't know what to say or says the wrong thing and acts like i should just get over it. We never talk about it ( thank god, lol). I have put thought into this before , I do think some just don't get it - saying it is not processing or going through the hell we have to get through so we cant heal. They have no clue.
You made a great point - it Is better that it happened now ( therapist issue) Before I opened up more and ugh, shared an even harder memory. That would have been , damage done. I am so nervous about tomorrow - I do not know what face to put on : Mad? Open? Guarded? Happy? And I am so worried that if she does leave, I am going to be so utterly broken that I am worried if I will just...break. I mean, how much can anyone take before they eventually break? ( That sounded darker than I meant it, I WILL be fine. I just worry ...will this be another scar on my soul.
I hope she doesn't re-read the email actually. ( I know she will. She always reads the email again before our session.) I think she's just going to read, Crisis into it, lol. I do think all of this is about her. ( I still FEEL like I am too damaged for her.) But I really think she doesn't have the skills or the experience. She has made mention of saying something like that to me, a few times - i should have seen the hints!)
And yes, thank you! Right? Only we know what we can endure and become stronger for - no one else! Ugh - I am so nervous about this tomorrow.
I feel this song defines my life:
https://youtu.be/E2Oe5YKhzCE?list=TLPQMTIwMTIwMjIuDMbMdu_dYw
I keep listening to this , blowing out my speakers.
FEELS
BODY MEMORIES.
I do not know if this is a thing - I think I have heard this said before, maybe? I don't know why I do not do more research , google is at my fingertips. . . I just did that - didn't come up with anything specific enough to help me understand. I keep getting these...body memories. They are HORRIBLE. DISGUSTING. shameful. TERRIFYING. Sickening.
In fact the day has been shit since about noon :/ Emotional flashbacks, memories, body memories - my brain feels like it has been through the ringer. And just when I was Seriously questioning if I could handle anymore - NUMB, like That. One sec - it was all so fast and I could feel the world sliding away, my emotions draining away, all pain disappearing, everything just receding back. And then I was calm and still. In this odd quasi existence. But I am so thankful. I so needed that. It is of concern how I do this and it is Not on purpose or a conscious thought. ( Can I learn to be aware of this Before it happens? Can I eventually chose to do it or not? - haha! Healing super powers!)
So , I made this post on cups. About grieving for my mothers passing. And it was in the form of a letter I had written a while ago that perfectly fits today as well. And I accidentally Didn't see , when I was reading it, that it states the He and He. And I am so not okay with this. I thought, maybe I will tell someone on cups that can find out who to talk to about letting me take it down or edit it. Then I think, that's just so much explaining why and I can't even. I don't think many people have seen it, or at least I tell myself that. But I do not want it there like that with He and He in there with full relational title. Relational title. Yes, I do notice the distancing language I use when it comes to that - " relational title. I might end up doing that - getting it taken down...or at least editing it. I just don't want to have to explain...it's really gnawing at me.
@blissedNblessed. You are right about body memories. I felt ashamed and guilty for having them too. They are horrible as you say. I just want to let you know how brave you are for writing about body memories.
@adventurousBranch3786
Thank you so much for sharing that you get them too! They are sickening and paralyzing and it feels like I am Drowning in Shame. I am so sorry you have these. But I am happy that I wrote about them ( thank you for saying I am brave) because maybe you feel less alone with them, too?
I would like to say, less shameful - but that's just BS. There is nothing that makes them less shameful.
I can't sleep. I need to sleep so I have my wits about me tomorrow. I am so nervous about tomorrow : the talk with my therapist ( err, who Was my therapist - well see if she still is). I do not want to be in a bad place when I talk to her...but what happens when I try sleep? New Memories.
I do not know what to do with these sick, new, memories! How do I place these in my life as , happened to me ? And it makes so much sense and at the same time, how had I forgotten this? I remember and it is like - how the hell did I not remember? And at the same time, I do remember remembering.
I just thought it was okay. I just thought, this is what happens - this is how it is. This is normal. That was not normal. That was not okay! And what scares me is that are are so many other memories that I hold now that are labeled as, its okay, that was normal and I am so scared to look at them or have them unfold. This story is scaring me.
I feel so ... disjointed. I feel numb still - I have not shed a tear. Even with the memories. Its bothering me now , the numb. I am worried it's not going to leave - i want to feel, something. But maybe it is better this way now - because I would be losing my shit. Plus - I need to be numb tomorrow anyways - for The Talk.
Every day I am having new horrifying memories. I do not know who I am - my story, my history, is so much different than I thought - those narratives and stories I tell that make everything normal, everything okay - keep falling. Every day more and more memories flood my consciousness, filling in the blanks. They are disgusting, degusting, disgusting. They are paining a picture I do not want to see, to admit. A whole different life. I am remembering the life I lied about to keep secret and even secret to ...myself.
I am going to try to sleep again. I am scared these memories will just kept rolling in. I lay in bed and choke on them. Even my bed seems like a scary place lately. I can't go anywhere that's safe from new memories.
Well, sleep was a futile attempt. No more new memories, just can not relax enough to actually sleep. And to be honest, not sleeping seems easier. I have been SO upset about my therapist leaving and driving myself crazy about this. So I re-read the text between she and I. AND OMG - DID I MISUNDERSTAND ( I think) AND OVEREACT!
She hit a trigger and I was already raw from the flood of narratives falling and memories emerging and flashbacks and emotions and yes, that was the start of the body memories. What she Said was:
1. She felt like She did something wrong because I was in so much distress after talking to her. That she was not supportive enough - She was thinking She did something wrong because all these feelings came out - yet another time she is telling me She thinks she is lacking in some way.
2. I did everything right but because i have been okay , emotionally, all these years is because I have been suppressing the feelings and memories and now they are all out and She Thinks my emotional safety at risk and I do not have enough support to do this now - What does THIS mean - I do not have enough support? Is she saying, I do not have enough support to heal? To work with her and just do that? I am still not sure - i guess I will find out today. ( Enter, abandonment issues)
3. In terms of going forward, she thinks I need a treatment program for trauma. Again, I don't know what this means . I am NOT going because I can't: I , with my health, cannot go to a treatment center, even if I did need it - my dr. said I am at risk if I even catch anything. No, he didn't say at risk - he said with my lung function as it is, I will die if I catch Anything upper raspatory. And we are living in a fucking PANDEMIC. Everyone is catching this shit - its crazy. I cannot take the risk of death for a fucking treatment program. But does this mean that she will not see me if I do not go into one? Or that she thinks I can't heal safely without more help so she won't see me? ( Enter, triggers).
4. Then I freaked out and asked her if she didn't wan to see me anymore. She responded that She will absolutely continue to see me ( see, I ran with this shit) and she is concerned with me tolerating so much ( who are her clients - do they just speak and laugh off the abuse and get on with their lives????) and she is trying to find the best way for me to continue , with more support.
5. Then she said, she is happy to see me as long as I need help. ( This sounds good but wait for it...) This is followed by, she wants to talk to my shrink to" facilitate treatment on both our ends". THIS is a terrifying statement! WTF - facilitate treatment? Does she want him to whack me out on meds? Does she want to try to make him want to send me away to some treatment program? ( My fears - she will find out was diagnosed bipolar and then she will wave away all my emotions and reactions to trauma, swipe them under the rug under the label, bipolar, and not validate my trauma or feelings.) I am so scared of this.
6. Then she says, she wont call hi, shrink, without my consent but wants to talk to me and discuss this. ( Fuck you discuss this). Why is she wanting to talk to him, i feel paranoid but , seriously. wtf?
7. She said, in response to me, that she is not trying to throw me in a treatment center and just trying to offer whatever support she could while I am working through memories. ( Okay, touché, I am overreacting at some points).
8. But oh, she goes on to say, she doesn't feel i am unsafe physically ( catch 22 here is she thinks i am unsafe emotionally). But she follows it with saying she trusts in my ability to heal and i have a high level of ability to take care of myself. - Okay, so the focus here is she thinks I am unsafe emotionally - again , no clue what that means.
So, all in all - this was NOT as bad as I first took it , third and fourth took it too. But I AM concerned with her thinking I am not emotionally safe and wanting to talk to my shrink about " facilitating treatment". I will NOT be giving any consent for this, at all. I will lose her as a therapist before I do this.
So wait, after all of this breaking it apart and trying to look at what she says, I still am confused. I guess I will have to wait until we speak today to understand what is going on. So my two worry point are: 1. WHY is she trying to slyly talk to my shrink ( Okay, she's not trying to be sly - she is being honest and up front - I am just triggered and defensive). And 2. If I explain to her I can not go to a treatment center or program, will she say she thinks I do not have enough support and she will not see me - as the caveat at the end?
Maybe this is a mix of not understanding what she will do because we have not talked about it in person ( phone cam) yet and me , getting triggered, and running away with it.
for the rest of this.... :
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - -- - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
TW TW TW TW TW TW TW TW: TW TW TW TW TW TW TW TW TW: New sexual abuse memories ( kind of graphic, sort of) and me trying to figure shit out and I have nowhere else to put this and no one to talk to ..this stuff is just for me. PLEASE, PLEASE , NO COMMENTS ON ANYTHING IN THIS SECTION :
How did I forget this? How could I? I was about 7 ( 6? 8? I'm not sure - around that) and It kept happening until they had kids together ( then this stopped - I think) He and Her lived together after He left____ . It was the first apartment they had. The apartment I HATE. I am so scared of that apartment. This apartment haunts me. I think if I ever saw this place again , I would choke on the air and die. The apartment with the hateful, scary stucco walls and the broken rocking horse and the sleeping bag and all the countless times He ____ me. ( God, I can not even type this stuff.) Where She would scream at him to F---k me , he was not going to f---k her. And tell me I had better like it and get used to it.
So many horrible things happened in that apartment - it feels like a blur of abuse - Physical, emotional, verbal, sexual. It feels like a dream, spinning. Crazy things that makes no sense like being force-fed bananas until I puke , and then having to eat my banana puke... and More bananas - there is just no reason or rational for that, even though I always look for it.
Always looking for a rational or reason - the thing that makes everything "okay". Normal. Acceptable. ( It was all okay, nothing happened.) I blamed it on the culture difference, or language difference for SO long! She is Puerto Rican and He is Spanish. There IS NO CULTURAL REASON TO HURT. The language is Spanish ( I still wince Every time I hear Spanish and it's so hard to get away from! I couldn't even pass my Spanish class, even though I know Spanish, because I was so triggered by it). THERE IS NO LANGUAGE BARRIER THAT MAKES ANY OF THIS ACCEPTABLE, THAT IS ABSURD. I have just been desperately trying to make sense of this and wish it away.
Okay - there Might be some excuse for some of this because of socioeconomic status ( Yes, I see how I am intellectualizing this shit, Still, desperately trying to find an excuse that makes this all okay and makes this to not have happened). They were very poor then, maybe that is why there was only one bed, plus I didn't live with them - they were not about to buy a bed for me when I was just visiting on weekends). This is excusable, right? Yes...maybe? I mean, I wouldn't do that - but I get not having money to buy one? I think I am making excuses, still :( I mean, they Had a couch. And a sleeping bag.
Ahhh, the sleeping bag. I told myself, its " okay". ____'s and ____'s can sleep together in a sleeping bag. I mean, they were fighting, so we had to sleep together. Yes, he only had underwear on and yes he was cuddling me. Yes, she was screaming at him that he can't f___k her and so he better f___k me and that's why we Had to sleep in it together- to get away from her. (Tell yourself another fucking lie.) What, was r----g me okay too? Just part of parcel of being poor or speaking Spanish or any other absurd excuse I reached for? ) I told myself for so long it was just sleeping. And it was all okay. Nothing about it was okay. Nothing about it was sleep in that sleeping bag.
But back to the new memory. We had to sleep in a bed together - me, Him and Her. ( This is okay I think). Every night. Every night I slept there. This is before their kids were born. ( I am going to be sick to my stomach and puke, I swear. I feel it starting). I do not even know how to type this, it's gross. I don't even know if I can type this here. I do not know if it is against the policy or rules. I will just say, they were having ----- in the bed with me next to them. I just remember shrinking down and wanting to be invisible. I was so sacred - I was feeling so yucky. I just froze and pretended I was sleeping ( it's all okay). And just...waiting. Waiting for it all to happen . Waiting for the hand to reach over . UGH - I can't. I just can't. Fuck this shit - I can't . I can't face This. I CAN'T.
I have to be sane now. I have to push these memories and intrusive thoughts away for now. I need all my mental capacity and emotional capacity to fight for myself today during the talk with my therapist. Nothing happened. It was all okay. Nothing happened.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- -- - - - - - - - -- - - -- - - - -
I am so going to have to do some self - care today before my appointment. Self care would have included sleep, if I could have gotten any. Ahhh, I hope I am not overly freaking sensitive during this appointment. I do not want to let her even know I am upset in any way. I will not share any memories. I will not cry. I will not let her in.