Rantings and Revelations ~ TW
This is going to be my space where I can vent and rant and
put a voice knew understandings. A place where I smear my secrets on canvas so
I gain better perspective…or just have a place to go when I can’t go anywhere else,
and my brain and memories are haunting me.
…TW: Sexual Abuse, Physical Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Verbal Abuse, Self – Harm, Eating Disorders, Sexual Assault...
Today's revelations about my childhood physical abuse:
My father was a very violent and raging man when I was a child. I am just unpacking this now - along with sexual abuse ( multiple people and over a long period of time) i endured as a child as well. I have a trauma therapist so i feel so lucky. But it is hell on earth going through this. I go from calm to emotional overwhelm in just a trigger. I am hoping this helps - writing in here. Processing my thoughts...
My dad had two types of violence:
1. When he was raging. This was more prolonged periods of violence towards me, his wife, my step-sisters and anyone in his way.
2. When there was no reason for it - he was even happy doing it. This was a short burst of giving pain. Followed by what I thought was sadistic laughing and smiling. Herein lies my revelation:
I had this revelation because i went to go visit my dad and his side of the family today for a belated Christmas gathering. He was what i thought was deliberately causing their pet pain. And I watched it move around and freak out and be in distress. I told him to be gentle and tried taking it away from his grasp.
He then explained why he was doing it:
He said that it , the pet, knew that he wasn't serious and that afterwards it thinks its safe now and that he saved it. Also that it knows he's not meaning to cause it harm. I saw it squirm around and try to escape and get all upset. Hes telling me one thing - i see another. ahhhh. Then he says he does it to make it strong.
and...it...clicks!
And...I...Get...It!
When he would hurt me out of the blue, cause me pain until I cried and then he would just do this jolly laugh like my pain was funny...that was not him being sadistic! That was him trying to make me strong. I do not think thats right. but i get it now. and it makes sense, too, bc i remember the LAST day he Ever hit me:
I was 14. we , the family, just got back from the beach on a very hot day, and were laying on the bed together next to the AC, resting. He came up to me and slapped me so hard on my inner thigh for no reason other than i was there. It hurt like hell. And I looked up at him and said, " that didn't hurt". So he slapped me again so hard it left a stinging red hand print on my thigh. Again i just took it and didn't cry or show pain,,,,this went on for quite some time - each time he felt challenged he did it harder. But he finally stopped. He stood back and was proud, said good for you. Never touched me again in anger. I felt this twisted pride , too.
But this warps my thinking so much! How can I hate him ( i dont though) or be angry with him ( i am) when i understand why he would inflict pain - it never was to be sadistic or just to inflict pain; he was doing it to make me strong. But it tore me down, made me an empty shell of a human being. Yet - I have endured so much - as a child, a teen and adult. I am strong. Do I owe it to him , my strength?
Was it still wrong of him to hurt me if he was doing so to teach me? Like a parent pushing away a child's hand from a hot stove? And how do I even begin to unravel and process him being abusive in another way? A way I can nto even put into words here right now? Because maybe i got THAT wrong too? Maybe that was okay? i mean, never okay - but maybe was just misguided?
Now I feel guilty for being upset . Now i do not know what abuse is and is not from him. I know his rage and violence was abuse - but is it abuse to hurt me if his intention was strength to be given to me? But boy - did that plan backfire because i am a shadow of a person now because of all of this.
My step father beat us for no reason
@stockings1967
I am so sorry that your stepfather beat you for no reason.
even with a reason - it is still not okay.
I am so sorry you had to endure that and still now, you have to somehow find a way out and through your pain.
I wear pom pom socks mix match the colors it helps me to brighten up my day
@stockings1967
yasss!
I love that!
I think it is all about the little things we can do to make ourselves feel better.
Because sometimes, we don't have the big things that can.
I think wearing those socks to brighten your day is amazing and i am super proud of you that you can do that! You are inspiring me: I am going to try to do something today, every day, to brighten my day up, too.
I am nervous right now...i have an appointment with my therapist in a few hours. I was supposed to wake up at 6 to get ready ...but i got up at 3 am and could not fall back asleep. I am scared because we are going to talk about what happened to me the day after my last appointment.
I woke up, the day after - in the middle of the night - with this growing sensation of frustration and restlessness - which bubbled into this intense ( INTENSE) anger, not rage but so much anger. I am so angry at every damn one of them that hurt me. They ruined my life. They ruined everything about me. Not only did they defile my body, but my soul, my sense of self, any self worth i had, my life. I can never get myself or my life - the one i could have had, the one i had a right to, back. I hate myself. I hate my body. I hate my life.
I will be alone forever because i cant even be around other people without fear and anxiety - even if i really want to. I can't even have intimate relationships because i am so triggered - I do not want anyone to touch my body and the men that have been in my life, do not hear my words, my voice or boundaries. They do what they want. So I freeze - i freeze because i know what's going to happen. and i wait. i endure what i have to and wait until I can escape and be safe.
..then this anger became Anger-Despair. The Despair was so intense, so overwhelming - SO beyond my capacity to hold or to cope with it. It was like being sucked into a hurricane and every time I tried to open my mouth, more water would just pour in. Drowning...in this sea of emotions I could not escape from. I felt no control, no ability to cope - just lost in them.
And so I sat at the table, to try to relax and figure out what to do with all of this. And I swear I didn't think this through - it was just a knee jerk reaction. I looked at this pen cup that had a self-harm tool in it and just grabbed them and self-harmed.
I had been self-harm free for 5 years - until then. I wasn't worried about self harming again ...but the thought it there now, every day . Every opportunity. I am trying so hard to not go back to this. I am trying to heal - i do not need to do that to myself during that. and i have had enough pain in my life, why should i start giving myself more pain again? I hope I can leave this behind me again. But even as I type, I am secretly thinking of self harming again, right now even.
How all this fear i have right now and frustration and pain...it can all go away and i can have relief. But i am not going to do it. I will tell my therapist if i have to - i will learn another coping skill - i will do whatever it takes. i has self harm free for 5 years, i can do this again. one set back doesn't define me or my progress.
I am so angry.
I am so all over the place right now.
i felt small - like not my age...then i got real scared and now im so so angry.
I can't handle how these emotions pop up and fluctuate and rear their ugly heads all the time.
..but over this Christmas holiday, i have heard ENOUGH of people saying how much the my abuser was such a fucking nice guy. All the wonderful stories that my family are regaling. He was NOT a nice guy - he sexually abused me for over eight fucking years. i cant hear this anymore.
granted, they do not know. well, some of my family knew - out right new and didn't stop him, didn't keep me safe. And i Tried to tell one of them, years and years later in my adulthood. And it wasn't believed - my voice was blocked and the conversation was stopped. she didnt believe me. so i just gave up and said no, thats not what im trying to say.
but i am so so mad. i can not hear anything good about him ever again. Where was this good when he was hurting me - over and over again through the years?
ahhhh!
well, i am really glad i made this journal/diary. I have so much to say - to try to voice the pain and chaos. and i dont really know where to put this all. and i dont want to plaster this all over cups and make people think im crazy or losing my shit. I may feel like it - but i know this is all part of the process of healing.
So, this is of concern...
I was age regressing, involuntarily during my last two therapy sessions :( And afterwards as well. I am looking back at my last session and i could not use big words. I knew what i wanted to say but i didn't have the vocabulary. I kept holding onto my squishy tiger toy. Wrapped myself up in 2 blankets - i know i wasn't even talking in complete sentences. And i was so aware something was different or off but i couldn't find words other than to tell her i was starting to feel panicky first..then trapped...then i just couldn't even connect with her.
This never happens to me unless im stuck in trauma mode...unless , omg, i can't believe i am writing this, even anonymously, but i am a full grown adult and still ( never stopped) suck my thumb , every night.
And even right now i am noticing its getting harder to use bigger words and i have to re-type my words a lot. but i made this list and its of my adult coping skills that i have. i have to stop doing this. i did throw my tiger toy away, hoping it would help. but let me just say, i am CRAVING a big hug with a stuffie.
i do not think it is DID at all. i took some online test - quite a few and scored low. ive been reading about ptsd and cptsd and age regression. i think its that. but i feel so much better! im not all sad and or scared now. i wasnt triggered at all in therapy - wait, i think i was. but i am feeling better because we are not triggering me as much and going a lot slower.
i want to bring up something to discuss, slowly - or have her do it next time. but i have to make sure i can stay present, not overwhelmed and not age regress at all. i want to get better so i have to make sure i dont do this around her anymore. im afraid she is going to say im too messed up for her to be able to help me :(
but still its a good night and its new years eve - hahahahah, yes, im home. whoohoo, party???? LOL
So, I had this revelation:
I have tried to deal with my trauma from sexual abuse. Each time I try to do this ( 4 big attempts on my own) I have had horrible trauma responses or maladaptive coping skills pop up or just emotionally fall apart. I think that unconsciously, I am " acting out" in various ways in order to Stop Myself from processing and feeling and ultimately , healing, this abuse. I must feel, on some level - and I do, that it is not safe to do so. Because if I am "stuck" in age regression, self-harm, emotional overwhelm, ect, then I am not focusing on my trauma and hence forth, safe.
And It makes so much more sense too when i think about how much conscious fear I have as well, about " telling". I lose my capacity to express with words. I do think however that this can be contributed to the fact that I was so young when it first started, the sexual abuse, that i really don't have the words to use: I didn't have the words back then so I just have these overpowering emotions that I feel in flashbacks.
I also lose my ...will to speak the words out loud. I think it's because that will make it too real. Almost like speaking it into existence. As though it somehow doesn't exist fully as long as it lives in the shadows and in memory. Hidden. Secret.
But I also have a very conscious fear that comes up that keeps me from being able to outright talk about the abuse. Why I think so much rears its head when I am triggered and while trying to speak about it, out loud. This fear is in the form of an image. An image that pops up on its own, when trying to talk about this stuff out loud and in flashbacks. This image is of " his" face.
It's a very specific face - the " Do Not Tell look". The we were caught but i will get away with it look. I will deliberately Hurt you if you do tell , look. The, oh my god, my life is in danger, look. The, i am all powerful over you, look. This fear is just as powerful now as it was before and i swear it is trying to override my ability to speak about this.
But I will not give up. I will go gently and try to not trigger myself. I will check in with myself to stave any weirdness off , i will stay mindful of thoughts and feelings. I will stay ahead of the game .
Hey - um - first I guess I want to say I'm sorry if I'm coming across as a lurker or stalker type person - it's not my intention. I cruise the site and just read alot or you and I are subscribed to alot of the same threads - so Idk - I just don't want you to think I'm up to no good or anything - I guess that probably sounds suspicious too tho
So - I saw your post on the anger thread but I didn't want to reply there - because it didn't feel right. What you wrote - my first thought was - my god this is me too. Because it hit so close to home - the war against yourself - the anger - the sadness
I think the healing is the worst part - at least for me - because I don't remember or I guess I should say I didn't know the extent of it until therapy was started - funny enough it was started because there was SH - that sometimes I didn't remember doing - then other stuff started coming out. I was isolated before and now it seems to be the thing to do - I guess because to me it feels safer? From what I understand - being left alone when we were younger - meant that the abuse was over and we were safe. So our brains kind of associate the two. I don't have any relationships with people either - No family - no friends in real life and it is lonely and tbh - I don't even know if I'm allowed to be lonely
The anger is scary - because when we're younger - other people focused their anger on us but we weren't allowed to ever be angry at them. So it feels like it's an unsafe emotion and since we feel like we can't aim the anger at the people who rightfully deserve it - we use it against ourselves but yeah - it does feel like it's going to eat you alive
Again - I'm sorry if I shouldn't have written - I just wanted you to know you're not alone - Even though it feels that way - I'm sitting with you and I understand how you feel - maybe that helps alittle but I also understand if it doesn't
*leaving you a safe gentle hug - no pressure though*
@mytwistedsoul
hey, thank you for writing this. Seriously, i do NOT see you as a stalker or odd or up to no good. I totally get it! And I thank you for reaching out to me and sharing some of your story and struggles and letting me know that I am not alone ( even though i feel it). This means a lot to me. I have noticed your writings too and yes, there is a Lot in your writing that I relate to as well!
It feels like a relief to know that you understand my anger - that anger that threatens to consume everything. Also that sorrow - that sadness and not to forget this HORRIBLE war THAT we have both declared on ourselves :( You made such sense saying that we were not allowed to feel anger at the time of abuse so later on we just turn that anger in on ourselves. I wish I could turn this hateful anger towards the ones that hurt me but everything is so confusing around that.
Why is this: that the actual healing of trauma is almost the worst part? Can I ask you about remembering the extend of what happened to you during therapy and not before? Like, how did you start to remember ? Flashbacks, memories just come back, being triggered...was it talking about it? Because I know a lot and i am so scared to know more. I am so scared on how i am reacting to thes healing - the involuntary age regression shit - scares me beyond words...i bet self harming and not remembering doing that was horrifying !!! Makes me wonder my sanity level when i start acting strange on response to trauma healing. Like i am almost waiting for the white coats to come get me and throw me in the mental hospital and lock me away for life.
and you made a good point about feeling safe, that after the abuse was over , we are alone - and being alone means safe. But being alone also means isolation, no connections, loss of social skills ( lol, i swear i have none left - ty pandemic and my self isolation)...dealing with all this shit on our own. feeling we are alone - even if there are others :( ...i dont even talk to friends anymore. ever.
Maybe somehow we need to change isolation/being ALONE to man something else? Maybe learn to show ourselves that we Are Safe, but in different ways than we have before. Instead of being alone to be safe, we can reach out ( like you did with leaving a response for me here :) , or sit alone for a while in a safe room And then text or call or even email someone? Or post on cups ( i swear without my random posting on cups id be insane)..i don't know. But i know I can't keep doing this. any of this - that which hurts me and isolation does - i just dont know how - ahhhh, yes comes back to damn safety - reaching out or being with others does NOT feel safe.
I feel so much better though, knowing you relate ( i wish you didnt though , im sorry you have to go through this). This request might sound so strange, but feel free to post anything you think is so weird as your reactions to your trauma and yr healing the trauma/ id love to know because i bet you are not as alone as you think either <3
@blissedNblessed I'm glad you don't think that of me - thank you :) I guess I convince myself that I'm not a very good person and Idk - it just makes me question myself
I wish that too - that I could say out loud to the people who did the abuse but I don't. Probably for a number of reasons. Deep down there's still alot of fear when it comes to these people. Plus in a way I know it wouldn't make a bit of difference to them - they would justify it somehow or lie and deny it. I've found that writing letters to these people - telling them my truth - my anger helps get it out. And telling the therapist too -
I had to give this some thought - remembering. I think it was when things really started to get talked about. It shed light on the dark corners - like you said - giving it a voice makes it real. It's hard to deny something when we talk about it. But - and of course there's allways a but to it - talking about it is necessary. I used to have nightmares and wake up screaming tbh - I lived with my grandparents when this would happen - we all thought it was just - nightmares but with talking with a therapist - the nightmares were just re-living some of the traumas. I can understand why regressing would scare you - especially if you don't want to and depending on where or when it might happen - it would be dangerous too. The blanket and stuffed animal sound like comfort items - maybe a weighted blanket would help and stuffed animals are pretty cool. But from what I understand - the healing is so hard because our brains are wired the way they are - we can change it but it's hard work because the lesson's we're trying to learn now go against everything we know from the earlier years - we literally have to change the way we think and unlearn those earliest lessons.
I think that's a good idea - if nothing else to post on here. You're right though - it doesn't feel safe to reach out to others - that's a childhood thing too because there was never anyone to reach out to. So we learned to do everything ourselves - for ourselves - we took care of our own wounds - we soothed ourselves and now unfortunately we have to heal ourselves but and this is what we need to try and remember - this IS a safe space here for us. That you and I can write here on Cups and be heard - that we can reach out to a listener *even though we probably don't lol* or we can email someone - even our therapists if they're ok with it - this helps too because it helps make them aware of whats going on - things we might forget for the next appointment - sometimes the amount of time we have with them just isn't enough to even touch base on some of the things going on. Sometimes just saying out loud that you are safe can help
It takes me a long time to write things out sometimes - because I sort of get lost or there's so much to say that I have no idea how to start. I lose my train of thought alot - makes me feel like an idiot sometimes because I can be talking about something and boom - someone wiped the slate clean. Sometimes I find weird things in my pockets - eggs lol - or walking into a room and not knowing why - I've walked out of therapy sessions with the words f*ck this sh*t - and growled at people ferociously during panic attacks - that's kind of embarrassing. Sometimes I joke around at times when I shouldn't. I'm sure there's other stuff that'll come to mind later - I'll let you know lol
I'd like you to know that anytime you need to or want to - you can tag me - but there's no pressure to either ok?
@mytwistedsoul
I feel you on the feeling you are not a good person ( you are but i know you do not feel that you are). For me, i can't put my finger on Why I am not - it is this feeling of, intrinsic badness. Are you similar with this?
I was thinking about what you said, that telling the Truth would make no difference . I have two thoughts:
1. Right!? It would be excused away or not believed! im in a situation kinda like that as well - and it hurts so much to know that it would not be taken seriously or excused in some way. I have two main abusers that were in my life: one died ( thank god) and the other is still in my life ( this messes me up so much). And I tried to tell before , about the one who dies ...and it was met with disbelieve and anger and justification - and shut right down then and there until i finally just said, thats not what im trying to say, that never happened :( Like how can such horrible things happen and then no one was there to keep us safe ( we had to comfort ourselves - alone). Then in trying to heal - just excuses some more.
2. Maybe ( this is the healthy side of me talking - lol) that speaking our Truth , speaking our anger and placing that anger where it belongs - on abusers, that is healing in its own right? Speaking the Truth, in therapy, to me, to people that will support and listen, maybe that is healing. Truth does matter - even if it is only You hearing it.
But yes, so so SO MUCH GOD DAMN FEAR - surrounding telling. I get overwhelmed with such intense fear when i am trying to talk out loud about it.. I get flooded with this intense fear, feeling trapped, and that sorrow ...but omg, so much fear.
Yes - the blankets and stuffies were incredibly comforting. I still get out of the blue cravings for them. But they trigger ( or make it easier) to age regress - without my consent or wanting to . So I buried all my stuffed animals in my closet, refuse to allow myself to wrap blankets around me. I even threw out my tiger squishy toy ( even though i really wanted it). That is such a great idea though, about using a weighted blanket! That wouldn't be triggering for me and would be so comfy. I have one too - and its perfect weather for it here, oh so cold. I think i am going to get it out of the closet today - thank you so much for this awesome idea!
I am sorry you had to ( do you still get the nightmare flashbacks?) endure that horrible ordeal when you tried to sleep. Is there anything you can do to feel more safe and comfy at night?
It is SO NOT FAIR, that the abuse was NOT our fault - but we are the ones that had to endure - have to look at and process this, have out lives torn apart because of this and yet still, have to pick up the damn pieces. I get it though - what you were saying about our brains need to be re-wired and new neuropathways created to get out of all this trauma responses. Still, its not fair. But i guess it is a good thig because we can, with all the work, be the people we know we are and have a life worth living. It is almost like reparenting ourselves and re-learning - everything of importance, but the correct way. so so so much involved in trying to fucking heal.
And I had to laugh when you wrote we can reach out to listeners ( BUT WE PROBABLY DO NOT!)...hahahah, damn right. Though, I have tried before and got a male listener that actually started to talk in a way that was very much like grooming. and i freaked the hell out. great listener, huh? wanted me to talk with him on some other place - hangouts, instead of here. fuck you. ahhhhh. Or other listeners that are just so not equipped at talking about, listening or guiding conversations when abuse is the cause of what's going on. I hope you have not had bad listeners as well. I am sure there are good ones out there too!!!!!!
Yeah, emailing my therapist does help - things that I am afraid i wont talk about or what's bothering me that i want to discuss in the next session ....mine is fine with that , or texts, but I feel I do not deserve to be able to text her or get help when I need it - that coupled with after the age regression stuff - i am literally so scared that she will not see me because i am too crazy for her and some new disorder will be given. and fuck - i know i don't have one - its this dang trauma trying to come out but i dont know how to get it out or how to talk about it . i mean i can write about it, but words fail me when i need to speak. and emailing her just triggers me later because , omg, she Knows. so close to telling!
I am sorry this is so long - you do not have to reply to everything i have said, lol, i feel i have just so much to say. and no one really to put it but here and random posting and of course, talking to you - which i am so very thankful and blessed to have met you :)
hmmm, oh boy, do i know what you are talking about with saying something and then a moment later the slate is wiped clean! I hate that - i feel so stupid and embarrassed. and sometimes im listening to my therapist and then i go blank in the middle of what she is saying - and i have to tell her, im sorry i have no clue what you are saying. ( I worry again, something is wrong with me...which makes me want to hide from her when things like these happen).
and hey - i get your embarrassed with what you say or how you act when in the middle of a panic attack. same here. i get them a lot - and i lash out, I don't make sense and I'm an asshole I'm sure. But - our frontal cortex shuts down and we lose our ability for rational thoughts during panic attacks. so I've been practicing 4x4 breathing like all day long to keep it from happening.
HEY - I LOVE that idea about tagging each other when we need each other or want the other to read something that might help or if we just need each other's support. Is is more than okay for you to do that to me too - to tag me! I would love to be a part of your support system.
*offers of a safer hug to you *
@blissedNblessed Kind of like being born cursed? Evil? Sometimes maybe thinking that you did something on a past life you're now paying for?
#1 - wow I did the same thing. Tried to tell someone and it blew up and she lied and denied everything. And justified it. And I guess I just shut down. I remember part of that night. She was so pissed. The other person - that's your father yeah? It's complicated sometimes with family
#2 Yes! Even if you can't confront them. Speaking your truth is healing. Speaking it to a therapist or to anyone who will listen - all though the - external validation is helpful here. Its harder to doubt yourself if someone outside knows. As hard as it is to say the words out loud - especially the first time - it's better to get it out then to let it fester inside. It's allmost like they're corrosive. They hurt coming out but keeping them inside hurts too
I get overwhelmed by that fear still sometimes and the sadness - the sadness is there more and more lately and anger. The anger bothers me the most because it seems to come out of no where but sometimes it feels justified
Hey that's great! Weighted blankets are awesome. I had a listener suggest it to me. I don't use it much myself tbh - it makes me feel trapped but it helps other times. It must have been hard getting rid of your tiger
The nightmares are still a problem but they're not as often as they used to be and some nights I actually get some sleep. Other nights I'm afraid of the dark and need a light on
Oh yeah I know that fear of emailing - even posting things here causes that panic sometimes. The therapist we have wont let it slide either because we try not to email much so if he gets an email he usually brings it up first thing lol. And I do the same thing and find I'm not all there and didn't hear a single word he said and he has to repeat himself. Hes catching on though and checks in every few sentences to make sure I'm paying attention
And the listeners here - can be an adventure. Some of the first ones asked so many wrong things and I hope you reported that one. It's best I've found to try to get someone who has been here pretty long and the general queue is not a good place to go lol. Those newer listeners don't stand a chance
Seriously - don't worry about your post lengths ok? I mean I do it too but you're welcome to write as little or as much as you want to
Thank you for the hug :) sending one back! I like that idea too! But there's no pressure to ok? I know sometimes we just need to write things out and can't deal with replying to someone either we're not in a good mind to or sometimes just don't have the energy or words to. I respect and understand that
@mytwistedsoul
Yes - kinda like that: the intrinsic badness is sort of like karma from past life...not really a curse...how do i explain...its like not knowing why i am bad ( though i know a million reasons why i am not good enough or why i am less than) but having the badness be this all pervasive " badness" without being attributed to a certain cause of reason - just born into this world defective and bad and less than . I guess, it is that FEELING of bad during abuse, but then take that out of context and place that badness onto me? It is really hard to explain.
Wow, thats poignant. How you said that the abuse pain is like corrosive and it hurts coming up to talk about it but it festers inside if you keep it in and don't talk about it. I feel that! And it sucks too because we Have to delve into all that pain in order to be free. I wonder if we will ever be free of it. I mean, people heal , right? But do we heal fully? Or is like having an eating disorder? You can get rid of the behaviors but it always will haunt you o the inside. God, i hope i have a fighting chance to actually heal from this and not have it corrode my insides the rest of my life.
I get what you are saying that anger feels more justified than your pain. Anger i so damn empowering sometimes and way easier to feel than pain. For me, the pain feels more justified than the anger. I hate hate hate one of my abusers - hate. the other, i dont. And the anger i feel at both of them feels unjustified. Like i have no right to be angry at them. Pain and fear, on the other hand - seem like my ...birthright :/ Why do you think you feel anger more easily than pain?
hmm, good point about the weighted blanket. I used to love mine, and i think it will be fine. But i get in these...moods? Where like an emotional flashback, im filled with fear and panic and feeling Trapped. Trapped and crushed and i can't get away. Maybe during triggered moments like this, ill definitely put the weighted blanket aside. LOL - i still have not gotten it out of the closet - but im going to. I love a good comfort blanket...but then i worry, will this trigger anything? lol - my new normal: will this ( enter random noun) Triger me. But while im feeling good - getting the dang blanket out, tee hee.
yeah, it was hard and sad getting rid of the tiger. I still kinda feel sad when i think about it. But I am SO Scared to get triggered with that age regression thing. So i got rid of all things that make me feel triggered at all . Sort of makes me feel like i punished my inner child. But i just want to be normal and what happened to me with the feeling / acting small thing scares me so much.
oooh, i love how your therapist checks in with you to see if you are present! I wish my therapist would. I do follow what shes saying but a lot of times in the session i will just go in and out. when i really go " out" and im just not there with her, i do tell her and ask her to repeated. But she doesn't catch the lil times - so many many lil times, that i just kinda leave. Or I am present and I am gone, at the same time. I guess i could ask her to as well as check in with myself, too...and i could always just tell her.
And bwhahahha, when i read that part you wrote about new listeners not even having a chance when it comes to us needing to talk. Yup! true story!
and ofc, no pressure felt about tagging or anything else. Hakuna Matatta :p
@blissedNblessed Tbh - Google had trouble explaining it too lol. But I think I understand the gist of it. Kind of like there MUST be something fundamentally wrong with you that only they could see. Because if you were good it wouldn't have happened?
Healing I think depends - kind of like stages. Maybe some people fully heal but I think alot of it is just learning to manage things - learning better coping skills - learning to handle triggers. Sometimes I think we just learn to bury things deeper and just tell ourselves better lies - those are bad day thoughts
The therapist says that the anger comes from knowing that the things that happened weren't right but Idk - some days it's like I'm angrier at myself for not being better. If I wouldn't have made mistakes or just did what I was told the abuse wouldn't have happened. I do have days when I feel the pain is justified times 100. I deserved everything I got and then some and that makes me sad sometimes because we were kids but never got the chance to be kids. And kids don't ask to be abused. But you're right - that anger is empowering and when it's there you feel ten foot tall and can take on anything. Until confronted anyway lol - then I shut down and melt. I'm such a badass puddle of goo
Maybe with time things will be easier for your inner child and it won't feel as though you're punishing them. Maybe just keeping the blanket handy for when ever it feels ok to use - I mean it can't hurt and it is freaking cold out. But triggers suck and sometimes anything can be a trigger it seems. It feels like there's so many I can't keep track. This is sort of new for you still right? With this therapist? Its been allmost three years of therapy here but about two years with this one and there's still wtf moments and freak outs lol. Never a dull moment! I'm glad to have him and he's helped alot. Without him - Idk if I'd still be here. On bad days I feel the opposite though - it gets confusing *smh* You could ask her to check with you - sometimes even just having them say your name during sessions can help
Funny we mentioned new listeners - had a new one leave no message last night lmao!
I hope today is going good for you :)
@mytwistedsoul
Yes – exactly like THAT: That there must be something fundamentally wrong with me that they could see and if I was good, it would not have happened. And it happened over and over and multiple people – so I’m like, the common denominator. So, it Has to be about me. lol, my life comes down to a twisted fraction...im the common denominator.
Oh yeah – I def do that! Just burry things and label them as acceptable or okay and try to just go on with my life with this new narrative of everything is okay really. Burry them deeper so they can’t climb out.
Hmmm, I see how that can be true, what the therapist said, that the anger comes from knowing it wasn’t right – for me, there is SO much anger – nearing a rage. I literally fear it will consume me or destroy me. And I am not sure all that anger comes from knowing it’s not, right? :/
But oh yeah – I feel this! More anger at yourself for feeling that you should have made it stop, or told, or stopped it from happening – then all the damn self-blame. I am so mad at myself for that. I mean it was 8 plus years of this shit – why didn’t I tell? Why didn’t I stop it ? I know for me, it was caught – by people in my family – once was even told to me I never have to be around this person again or without someone else there and never overnights again – but ofc, that was all bullshit. I was around him all the time again – I am sure there were reasons why – I don’t know then, but still.
That’s a good point you make – that kids don’t ask to be abused – the childhood is taken. We didn’t get to be carefree kids. We didn’t get a normal chance at life.
Yup, I am keeping the blankets – I just wont use any of them to cuddle and comfort if im triggered. I still will cuddle in them on these clod days and enjoy! God, I hate how there are so many triggers! Wow – three years of trauma therapy. I was hoping I could do like 6 months and get out with a new life, roflmao – guess not . wishful thinking. Hell, I can’t even TALK about this stuff out loud yet! …but I did figure out the three things that keep me from being able to – so I guess ill work h=through those and then I will be able to. Still very new for me, just like 4 or 5 sessions. I have worked on this before though, but was with a trauma therapist who did reiki energy work. So we really didn’t discuss too much about what happened – I learned a lot though – and really helped a lot. I feel amazingly better for doing that for a year…but alas, years go by and it comes up again: more of the story, more memories, the blinders come off and all the narratives I told myself about what happened to make it feel and sound like it was okay and nothing happened – those just dropped to the floor and I can clearly see things without hiding …and it sucks. But a goal of mine Is to be able to FINALLY SPEAK out loud about it – I think that was what was missing and is needed.
Ugh, sorry about your listener. I really think listeners that are willing to take on any “ topic” – really need to be trained.
Ahhhh, I got bad news from my dr – but I’m not having a bad day, per say. But I think I’m kind of in shock/numb …or angry? I was going to vent at some point in my journal here about it – ill tag you if I do.
@blissedNblessed It's disgusting the way they cover for each other. How they make empty promises to us and then don't do anything. Or they say they're on your side until it actually comes down to it. The heat gets turned on and they change sides. Now theres noone in your corner
Not to scare you or anything but therapy can take a lifetime. I guess it all depends on what you need and what you're going for. Not that I'm trying to trivialize things but trauma is alot more serious then going for depression or anxiety. Trauma is kind of like that one stop shop for all your dysfunctional needs and I'm sorry - I don't mean to make jokes because it is serious but sometimes I have to joke because it is so serious
I'm glad the reiki work helped. I've heard of it but haven't tried it. But yeah - it does have a way of coming back around and pretty much demands to be acknowledged in order to move forward and you talk about it and go through the emotions and process it but it seems to go in stages and sometimes you go back over the same thing a few times. I guess because its so hard to wrap your mind around it? Maybe its just me. There's just so much I can't seem to grasp and understand when it comes to family - well - people in general tbh. They broke me ya know? How is that ok?
I never replied to that listener. I feel alittle bad about it but Idk - they could have said something
Your bad news - I can't imagine how scary that would be and to have all kinds of tests and appointments to deal with on top of everything else you're trying to handle. I am so proud of you though - in reading that last post - the fight that was in your words. I wish there was something I could say. I'm so sorry for everything you've been through - for all you continue to go through. It's not fair - you were so right about about that
*leaving you a safe hug and sending you strength*
@mytwistedsoul
Makes sense that therapy is not just a few sessions or a year or even two or three. I mean, yes - totally get what you are saying about trauma being a one stop shop, lol. I Know it lays at the root of my issues - all of them. Which is why im trying so hard to get through it - I want so bad to feel better about myself and my life. Life long process probably - but im hoping once I start talking about it i start feeling better - hoping not worse. When did you notice feeling some, if any, i dont know the word...relief, self compassion, healing i guess - in any form.
I can't wrap my head around it either. I think its so hard to grasp because because it makes no logical sense and it seems so damn chaotic? I know for me its hard to grasp something so evil and wrong and fucked up and i cant make sense of the little things either or any type of abuse because its so damn crazy and Makes No Sense. I don't think it's me. I don;t think its you. i think its the situation / scenario we find ourselves in.
And yes, family makes it all the more complicated and horrible. I can't even write or think or talk about certain things if I accept Who the person that was abusing me was. I need a total disconnect from that because I Cant wrap my head around it. IT also makes it too real - and that fear and sorrow that follow it are Too Strong and threaten to consume me alive.
I know the feeling of being broken by them. It's that utter and total hopelessness and helplessness for me. Knowing full well ALL the damn ways in which i am less than or messed up ...just all the ways in which i am no longer a functioning healthy person BC They did that. I walk around so strong and this façade that i am NOt broken, but i am, in so many ways. and when i try to do healing i end up feeling even more broken.
Eh, no need to feel bad about not replying to your listener. I honestly feel that you not replying sends a signal that you are having trouble talking or opening up, and if i was a listener - i would have at least tried to help you talk - or see if you were okay. You are better off for not talking to that one. I know there must be wonderful listeners out there , that are equipped to listen to this kinda stuff. . . i just haven't found them.
Thank you for seeing the fight in my words and acknowledging it. I do not always feel strong or like fighting, but i do not feel like i have the option to give up yet.
So, I have therapy today and I woke up kinda freaking out - its never pleasant, therapy. lol. i guess its not supposed to be. But i have refused to let myself hug my frog pillow ( the closest thing to a stuffed animal i have out) and refusing to think of anything triggering. I will be functional today. HAHAHAH - goals. I plan on telling her about what stands in my way to talking about this stuff out loud and maybe figure out with her how to navigate around it so i can talk without being crazy triggered :) Ahhh, i also am going to ask her for her professional opinion on my past two session freak outs - i swear i am so embarrassed and i secretly worry she is going to think im so crazy she cant work with me anymore and i will be left all alone, trying to pick up the pieces. Do you ever feel this way? This constant worry your therapist will think yr too crazy or what not and just up and leave and you wont be able to cope with anything? i know, im kinda weird.
@blissedNblessed I hope therapy went good today. Its not fun but it does get better some days. Some days they don't completely tear you apart. I hope you were able to come up with some ideas with her to help talk easier or at things to try
You're not weird at all! That's actually happened to me. The first therapist said he wasn't equipped to handle the problems I have. I think I felt two inches tall and like a total loser. I mean - if a therapist can't help - you must really have problems ya know? The next was all gung go to learn as we go as he put it. Uh - no thanks. I do worry though because the one now - he's older. Not ancient or anything but I worry if he retires because then what?
I've been looking into anchor items. They're supposed to help keep you more present but I didn't get to look into it much. It made me think about it when you mentioned your frog pillow - guess maybe because - triggers
Your last post - I don't want to say too much about it because I don't want to take away from it or draw attention that makes you uncomfortable but - I hope you feel some pride for what you did - because that was so brave and you showed great strength and the fact that you had to step away to make dinner and went back and finished - that is awesome and I am so proud of you!
* I'm sitting with you quietly*
@mytwistedsoul I'm sorry too if I have bad timing for replying
@mytwistedsoul
Therapy went okay, thanks for asking. It was my first session that I was not triggered . We focused more on what my coping skills are. I have another appointment Friday - that is when we decided to talk about this - baby steps. I thought she really was going to say I am too much and she is not quipped to treat me. I was SO worried - but for nothing.
I am sorry that the first therapist said that to you - that he couldn't treat you. I totally get feeling like , omg - im too crazy to even be fixed. But its Not about us when they do that - it is showing that They lack the tools needed to fully help. It is really a reflection of them - even though it doesn't feel like it. Im really glad you have the one that you have now :)
Oh no - i get it! When they are older - that worry of when they retire, what am I going to do?? I have a psychiatrist who is Quite older . And hes definitely getting to the point where hes forgetting appointments and not really helping me with stuff - its just a monthly check in for meds and chatting really. But I really like him and hes been there for me for SO long. I don't know what i am going to do when he retires. It is kind of scary.
Your feeling almost a resistance to anchor items? Or did i misunderstand that? Because of worrying that they will trigger you? Here is what I figured out, from the steps path talking about it and my own research and therapist: it shouldn't be an object that is triggering( like the frog for me because its related to a younger age and childhood). It should be something that reminds you of Right Now, the present. Something you can hold and ground yourself with.
I tried using a crystal ( i tried different ones) because they remind me of the present and i love them - but that didn't work because not enough of a connection to it. I Did try a GROUNDING APP! And it REALLY works for me! You might want to just check it out maybe? It's called MIRA. ( I put in ptsd into the search box in the apps store ( android). It's free. You can get subscription for more features - but i didn't do that. It has like 4 different grounding exercises according to different needs like flashbacks, dissociation, connecting with your body ...and something else. It really has helped me.
Thank you for the kind words about me doing the exercise. And thank you for being so sensitive about not calling me out on anything specific. I am thankful for that - some things in there i am not ready to talk about, write or say out loud for sure. It just makes it too real and feelings become overpowering. And yes, I am sort of proud that I did that but not really because it felt so much like i was writing about someone else bc i was so disconnected to me. But i think maybe that was the best way to do it - so i could get it out and not be torn under the tires of triggers.
@blissedNblessed Yay! I'm glad you weren't triggered. I know to some people that might not seem like much but it really is. That's a victory in it's self! :) I'm glad she didn't say anything about not being able to help you. I understand better now that the first one couldn't help and he was totally out of his league. Um - well - I didn't know it at the time but apparently one of my badass protectors came roaring out and had the poor guy backed into a corner - which is kind of alittle funny now but at the time - I really felt like a freak and thought he was full of it. Idk why but I thought he was lying and just didn't want to deal with me
It's scary to think about those things - because you know them and they know you. To have to start over again and get that connection with someone new - what if they decide they want to try something different and instead of working it makes things worse? I'm hoping that when mine retires he'll have someone really good to refer. But hopefully he doesn't retire for a long time lol
No I didn't explain too good lol - yesterday was a mess and words just didn't want to work right. I guess I'm not really sure how they'll keep me present. Do you find you have to ground yourself sometimes allmost all the time? and the triggers - sometimes I think maybe I should just live in a bubble some where because there allways seems to be something. I hate having to go out because of it - smells - perfumes - sounds. Yelling or just loud people. which right now the way things are in the world it seems like there's allways someone yelling about something
I found that app! I'm downloading it now :) Thank you for suggesting it! Oh it looks easy too! And sometimes doing something like that or even replying to people here helps too
You're welcome :) I'm not one to call people out on things and I know how hard it was to do. I do the same thing when talking about things - that disconnect - monotone voice - almost robotic. You did it though! Sometimes we have to do what's best for us - what ever works - other's might disagree or want to over analyze it but - baby steps :)
@mytwistedsoul
Your protector backed him in a corner - nothing to be embarrassed about at all! You reached out for help and kind of got door closed on you - no wonder your protector came out! Totally NOT a freak for that!
Yes :( just the thought of starting over and trying to find and create that connection with someone else after they retire is a horrible thought. It is so rare to " click" let alone finding someone that you are comfy with and can trust...eventually. Seems like way too much to have to go through again. But I am sure your therapist will find you a refer to someone he trusts and thinks will work well with you and you with him.
Yup - i know what that is like - when words just fumble and do not work right - one of those days, huh? I do hope you are feeling better a bit, today. You can talk about what was going on yesterday - or any time you are struggling - i am here to listen and support you ( and as always, no pressure :)
Hmmm, anchor items have not worked for me..yet. Maybe I have not found the right one. And yes - I feel like I have to be mindful and check in with myself ALL THE TIME. And catch my shit before it escalates. So , yes, it does feel like trying to ground myself all the time. And especially before therapy, lol, because im still afraid she's going to ask me to leave. ugh.
Thank you - yeah, baby steps for sure! If i need to do something like that for the first time, i dont care if im dissociating a bit while i do it - the point is, i did it ;) I am sure i should do it again at a later time and try to be present - im just not up for that right now.
I sent my therapist, gulp, my impact statement. I just emailed her a bit ago. We have yet another session tomorrow - omg, she will know ALL of that about me by tomorrow. Makes me nervous . But I did write in the email, asking her to not ask me about who it was that was abusive or their relation to me - even if she pretty much thinks she knows. That would send me on a nasty landslide.
@blissedNblessed I think maybe the anchor items are supposed to be something special to us and Idk - it seems like the importance of things changes or Idk - I've never been too good with seeing the importance of material things. I mean things have sentimental value but they're still just things and usually the being sentimental part comes from the past - so I don't see how that can keep me present. It's just confusing to me I guess. I seem to be confused alot anymore
I have therapy on Friday too :) and I know he's got email waiting for him too. A couple probably. It's like as soon as you hit send you wish you could take it back. Or phrase something differently or explained something better or just kept your mouth shut all together. Its good you warned her not to ask the who part - that doesn't need to be discussed right now just yet. You're struggling enough just trying to open up at all - let's not wreck the train before it's even left the station
I went to the SA chat in the trauma room the other day and so much got triggered so bad and it gets calmed down and then it blows up again. I put that Mira app to work like crazy last night and this morning allready. Shame - I am ashamed of who I am :( it overwhelms me sometimes and I can't seem to let it go. It makes me sick to my stomach and sends the anxiety off the charts
So - um - I have to tell you - I'm not a girl. I guess I want you to know that because I don't want you to assume that I am and then find out later other wise and then think or feel like I mislead you to think otherwise or think I'm some sick person or that Idk - I just wanted you to know. So you can decide if you still feel comfortable talking with me. If you don't - I understand and I respect that completely. I don't want you to feel obligated in anyway to continue talking with me. I'm not like that and I'm sorry if I'm dropping a bomb on you - especially right now when you have so many other things going on. I just - Idk - I just felt I needed to tell you. It didn't feel right not to. I'm sorry
@mytwistedsoul
Ahhhh i just wrote this really long reply to you and my damn computer FROZE and shut down. So, hahahah, here I go again....
If anchors are material items that are sentimental for you only because of ties to the past, it sounds like they are not really the right thing for you - now. Is there any material item that you do have that reminds you of a hobby or passion or interest you have right now? That could be a tie to the present - if not, anchors do not sound useful at all! I know I have not had much luck with them, either. Thank god the MIRA app is working for you! I love it and I feel I use it all day long! Do you have a certain grounding exercise you go to - or do you use them all? I really like the first one that reminds me of where i am, how old I am and that I am safe, ect.
Oh god yes - that reaction right after sending an email! The immediate urge to somehow take it back, or as them to not read it ( though i seriously doubt if i send something and then said, don't read it - that she would just not read it). I am so happy that you did send the email though! It really is healthy - it helps him to understand you better and enables him to help you more. But ahhh, that FEAR!
I love that analogy: : Let's not wreck the train before it leaves the station"!!!!! That is so perfectly stated! She did email back and stated that she would respect my wishes and boundaries when i asked her to not talk about the people that hurt me and their relationship to me. ( It secretly makes me sick that she knows). I am worried that she will just baby step me too much and avoid talking all together about any of the abuse stuff because she thinks I am way too fragile, will break and lose my mind. Granted, I do have a history with her of the age regression and LOTS of dissociation and self harm i did when i was overwhelmed beyond words with an emotional flashback and I just self harmed without any thought about doing it - was knee jerk reaction. But hell, I am not afraid of delving in, slowly, into my abuse and pain - i mean my LIFE is pain. I am not as fragile as she thinks. And i always want to have this façade that i am always strong no matter what - i can handle it. Because i have had to handle this on my own my whole life almost anyways. ...but maybe i am damn fragile, emotionally. and i am too afraid of that. Too afraid of breaking. Too afraid of letting down the wall, the barrier and the façade.
Yes! The SA Trauma room is SO triggering! Personally, I can not stay in there long at all because i am so triggered, like constant - and i cant even function in that room sometimes and i have to just leave - even though i am looking for support. I am sorry you were so triggered and had all that anxiety because you popped into that room, looking for support. I hate that it happens that way - its just not fair. ( I seem to be saying that sentence about everything lately - nothing is damn air to anyone who is surviving the aftermath or abuse and picking up the pieces.
Yay that MIRA is is working for you! Do you have a favorite exercise for grounding or do you use all of them. I really find i use the one a lot that says your such and such years old, in this town, you are safe, ect...This app has really saved me - i feel like i use it all day long, lol. I guess THAT , is kind of my anchor.
I feel that all encompassing SHAME, too. I get it - shame of who you are. I have that too and its the worst feeling. Want to know something that I figured about about shame and feeling, bad or not worthy and all that ...? So, when the abuse was taking place, the actions of the abuser and the act of abuse itself - that is where the shame and horrible feelings are. But it is feelings about the act and how it feels - but we...maybe I should say I, because I'm talking about how I feel... I TAKE THOSE FEELINGS THAT ARE IN REACTION TO HOW I FELT DURING THE ABUSE AND ABOUT THE ABUSE - AND I PLACE IT SQUARLEY ON me. Sorry, caps locked and i just dont have the energy to re-write :p So the shame is not really about ME per say but about how i felt and the abuse. Its just easier to blame ourselves and too scary sometimes to blame them or the act. Just a thought. Though even though i know this - i feel shame of self just as strong. so i guess cognitively knowing something doesn't make our feelings click in the same way. Feelings always feel more real than something i just tell myself. I hope this can change one day.
I am sorry your anxiety is off the charts! I hate that too! I woke up today with intense anxiety. Took an anxiety med ( as needed ones) and I hate doing that! I do not want to depend on that to get me through my life. But nothing else was working and was growing bigger and bigger! Then it was NOT going away after a few hours - and i took another one. I Finally feel not anxious ( no, i still do, but its lessened). What do you do when you are overly anxious? Any tips for me?
Hey ...you are NOT dropping any bomb on me at all. I didn't really know if you were male or female or what gender and all that and to be quite honest - that doesn't matter to me. And of course I feel comfy talking to you! I always have an the fact that you are not a girl doesn't change any of this, not one bit. I actually feel closer to you that you shared that about yourself - thank you.
I worry that you read my blasting males and not feeling safe with them and took it a bit out of context ...which is my fault for writing it in this way. I never wanted anyone to think i thought all makes are evil. In all honesty - its only men (and women too) that are sexually interested in me or even flirting - that sends me off into fear and triggers land. This is not the case with us - and I value you and I appreciate you. And you help me so so much and I thank you for that. I hope talking with me too is some help in some way - to know someone hears you, someone holds a safe space for you and can understand and relate :)
It must have been hard - worrying if i was going to not want to talk to you or leave because you are not a girl. None of that matters to me and as long as you do not want me to leave you alone, i have no intention of doing so - you are important to me and as are discussions are as well!
@blissedNblessed
Bwhahahahha - this post is so long!
I didn't mean to write a novel - guess I just had lots to say. I hope this long message is not too overwhelming to read :p
@blissedNblessed Something like that happened to me last night and I thought I'd write it out on Cups and it kept telling me there was an error. I just wanted to get this out of my head and didn't have the brain power to sift through what I had written to figure out what tripped the censor. I mean - I understand why they think they need it but at the same time it takes away from writing what really on your mind
It seems from what I read today anchors can be anything. I'm pretty sure that information was probably there before - I just didn't take it in. They can be anything using your senses and the more senses you use for an anchor the better it works
Some times the normal grounding I use doesn't allways work. I usually use the standard 54321 but sometimes I can't seem to focus on things enough to pick out the things. Or a smell from a memory gets locked in and I can't get past it or a sound just repeats over and over in my head. Cold water helps sometimes - splashing it on my face or putting my hands in it and music
Lol it usually doesn't work :) I've tried. Please disregard previous email and I'm sure he probably just reads it closer then. I call it post and panic :) I do it here too lol
I can understand that feeling of sickness that she knows. It's like you shared some disgusting part of yourself with someone you don't really know. How will they take it? What will they do with it? Its probably not that she thinks you're too fragile or emotionally unstable that she doesn't want to push you - it sounds like she wants you to know that you set the pace. That she respects your decision not to talk about it right now. It gets easier to talk when you can feel safe in her presence. It's sort of like she's an unknown person still. Like with the psychiatrist you have - you've known him for a pretty long time and it took time to build up that trust and these things we're trying to talk about - there's so many things that affect it. If you weren't believed or if you were told to not tell or accused of lying about it - its like those things are written inside your head and no matter how much you try to cover it over it or ignore it - it bleeds through
You're right about the shame and how it is easier to blame ourselves. It's something that probably is going to take time to learn to deal with. Seems everything deals with time doesn't it? And I just want to feel better - now. Not tomorrow or the next day
I hate taking the meds for anxiety too lol and half the time they don't work. So alot of times I keep busy. There's allways house work lol and another thing that helps is YouTube and it will probably sound so gross but those pimple popping videos help calm the anxiety down *smh* even just interacting here can help. The word games here. Where you have to make a sentence out of a word? It gives me something to focus on other then the omg I'm going to have a heart attack anxiety feeling. I can sometimes tell anxiety is picking up by my breathing so I try to keep an eye on it and sometimes just make myself take deep breaths
I was alittle worried tbh - I didn't want to make anything awkward and you can blast away when ever you need to - I can understand the distrust and some men are well - disgusting pigs. I think I was still reeling from the chat room - and then the noise in my head started. How all men are dogs and just disgusting and - I can go on and on. I understand how things people say and do can just set off an avalanche that sends us into triggerland. I enjoy talking with you too and talking with you has been really helpful! Knowing that you deal with some of the same issues - that anger and the fear and even thinking that you're therapist is gonna think you're bay shit crazy :) and the way you write what you're actually thinking and feeling - its honest and real
Thank you :) I'm really glad I met you here
I hope your appointment went ok but I also understand if it didn't. You're kind of in uncharted water right now and those storms can come out of no where
@mytwistedsoul To add cliff notes to my previous novel :)
It there's anything you want to talk about and I mean anything - I'll listen. I know you're dealing with health issues on top of the trauma and I can imagine how terrified you are. I won't pressure you to talk about anything and I probably won't have at answers but I'm here for you if you need ok?
@mytwistedsoul
Ahhhh, I Hate that error 404 message ( lol, see, I know it well, too, lol). I too get why they have it but yes, it seriously impedes free and honest thought being able to be written down in our journals - which is supposed to be our free and safe space. I am sorry that it censored you for no real reason while you Needed to get this out , written down, so you could make sense of it and start to try to process or organize your thoughts.
Hey - cold water is a great idea! Can I share an idea with you about something similar that I learned before? I Totally forgot about this until now!!!! And it Always worked for me - supposed to be to ground and especially for flashbacks and not feeling like yourself or disassociation:
Take an orange ( or a grapefruit or a lime or lemon) * i like oranges because they perfectly fit in my hand* and put it in the freezer. When you need to get back to yourself, come out of a flashback - or even when you are overwhelmed ( works for anxiety, too) take out the frozen fruit and hold it in your hands.
The science behind it is that they studied these scuba divers that were getting anxiety from going to really dark and deep depths in exploration. and they discovered that when they plunged into a very cold temperature, it stopped the anxiety and kicked back into working - the frontal cortex and logical thinking. So , they started using this with ptsd and found it really has helped. So, maybe this is something to try? I know I am going to put an orange in the freezer when I get off cups. I don't know if it will work for you, but I really hope it does.
Hahahah, im so laughing about the fact that when we say, don't read it - they probs ARE scrutinizing it to find out what it is we don't want them to know and trying to look for the hidden trigger! lol. I found out today my therapist prints off all my emails for my file and to look things up to bring up, while we are having a session, lol!
And uh huh! That Sickened feeling that , oh god, they Know. Will they leave now? Will they see me as disgusting? Do they see me now as I see myself? I wish I didn't care so much about what others think. I would be so much more, free then!
And guess what? You were right on with what you said about my therapist and her intentions! She wanted to respect me and my boundaries about its okay to talk about X and Y but not Z. ( She respected this fully during our session :) She told me today that she wants to push me but not over the edge ( " don't wreck the train before it gets out of the station").
And yuppers, so much ingrained from not being believed when I finally did try to tell. And so much ingrained about if I tell, I will be punished, people will be mad at me, hate me and will hurt me. It does feel good that she knows more ( a LOT more) and still wants to see me.
Oh - i want to tell you about my session - some things that were brought up that concern me about me possibly having some new thing wrong with me ( old thing that no one caught) that she said she has been trying to monitor and watch. And asked me questions about - which I didn't answer truthfully - well, I did but just not full answers. lies of omission, I guess. But I am going to write that as a separate post and @ you so you can read it :) I didn't want to add it in here because , lets be honest - this post would be so damn long, it would be overwhelming to read ( or this is me and my insecurities, I don't know). But ill post that in a separate post.
I feel much like what you were saying you feel ike with time. So much is , " it gets better with time", healing comes in time, time is the greatest healer, blah blah blah. Well, how much time must pass before we start feeling healed or peaceful or without a million triggers and being bombarded!
Keeping busy is a Great coping skill! It is a great way to focus on something else other than what is bothering us and eating us up alive. Sometimes its a near absolute must! And the youtube pimple popping doesn't sound gross - its like under that umbrella of satisfying vids! I used to watch soap carving just for the sounds and the satisfying way it fell off, lol. I am a big fan of ASMR as well. Or listening to YouTube for panic attack " talk downs". and oh yes, hobby zone and ice breakers are a life saver for me - just to get my mind on something else - i know we both use quite a few of the same ones :)
Hey - kudos to you for using mindfulness to watch your breathing to gauge your anxiety levels and using the deep breathing to keep the anxiety from getting any worse! ( I kind of feel like i do deep breathing all damn day to say present, focused an calm). I am so afraid that if I do not, all the painful emotions will creep in and raise havoc. I am afraid of what I will do as in what new way will i be freaking out today? Or hahahah, what age will I be today? LOL.
I am sorry that you had to read all that Cruel bullshit in the trauma group chat. All men are NOT pigs, hurtful or abusers! Ahhh! And women abuse, too ( I have had trauma in my life as well - from men and from women). When I look back at my life, the most honest and heartfelt friendships I have had have been with men. ...I am super triggered by men only when it is a sexual way ( just saying so you know there is no unease whatsoever). Hell, I am triggered by women when it is in a sexual way too. Abusers are sick - perverse and an atrocity to the human species. It has NOTHING to do with sex or gender. It is about that specific person's pathology.
Aww, thank you for telling me. I am so happy that I am of support and help for you too! :) Yes - it is Amazing to feel not so alone, to be able to open up so brutally and honestly and receive support and understanding and knowing you relate to stuff i am going through too - like you were saying the anger and fear and especially the therapist thinking we are insane! ) Giggles at that yet I know it is such a real fear for us).
Okay - I am going to end this post up - ive talked your ear off. But, hahahah, there is still another one to come . I really want to talk to you about how my session went and especially something she said to me about DID.
Hoping today was better for you and that your therapy session was good and hopefully not overly triggering!!!!!
* sits with you , offers you a safe hug and a frozen orange*
@blissedNblessed I like that orange suggestion! I've never tried that before and as an added bonus I had a snack afterwards :) Thank you for the suggestion! Actually they were clementines lol it still worked good
I asked our therapist today what he does with the emails too lol! He said the same thing and then asked why I thought he just threw them out - I had a smart assed answer but didn't give it to him
Exactly! And I usually warn people that I'm a monster. My parents used to say stuff and well - you know how it goes - if you hear something enough you can't help but believe it. Which with that chat - I think I wrote wrong when I was telling you. The things I heard were in my head. The person mentioned r*pe and I should have left sooner because I was allready getting distracted and I didn't
I think alot of times we worry about what people think of us is because we're looking for approval and acceptance we didn't have when we were younger
She sounds like a really nice therapist and that she'll do things gently but firmly. She's going to help you find and use your voice and that is wonderful!
Thanks! :) oh yeah all day sometimes with the deep breathing and it gets so frustrating. And the shakiness. I'm so shaky sometimes. Because how can you get anything done if you're trying to calm down all the time and it starts out of no where it seems. I know what you mean about things creeping in and causing havoc. Here it happens alot at night when things should be calming down and relaxed or in the early hours - especially if there's disorientation or waking some where I shouldn't be
I guess - this is a gentle reminder to be patient with yourself - sometimes you can't force what it is you want to say or write - sometimes in order to do it you have to separate yourself from it - like you're telling a story. Probably not the smartest way or the healthiest but I think that comes later sometimes or could just be me
@mytwistedsoul
Yay! I am glad that the frozen clementine worked! And yassss - the bonus snack! :)
Oh god! He prints them out, too? Isn't that such an uncomfortable feeling? " This goes down on your permanent record!" Giggles. What was the smart ass answer that you didn't say to him? LOL
Okay - now I get it: Those nasty things said were in your mind. That is almost worse. Yeah, maybe next time as soon as trigger one is hit, run outta that chat room! ( I know you FEEL like a monster , that is your truth right now ... but I just wanted to say , I see you as quite the opposite and I know a lot of other people on here do too. . . for what that's worth - i know it doesn't make the negative feelings you have just poof and go away.
That is a really deep insight: we all seek approval and acceptance from others/outside ourselves because we never got the approval or acceptance we needed growing up. Ti tell you the truth, I do not feel I have any of that now, either.
Yes! Yes! The shakiness! And right - out of nowhere so how the hell can we get anything done if we are just concentrating all our energy to try to calm down and feel okay? Sorry you were and do feel like this. That perfectly describes my morning - woke up with a panic attack....had horrible anxiety all day that I kept trying to ground and no grounding was working and I couldn't do anything but - to be honest, get high. ( I have a medical card). It was this amazing buffer from my emotions and a finally a sense of calm. Then I took a really long nap - lol. No productivity for me today...not with all that anxiety. I guess some days are days to be proud we functioned enough to survive the day?
So your thoughts on my writing helped: trying to write out the memory but disassociated or separating myself like I am telling a story or something. I was able to get more of it done that way . But not all. I go into anxiety overdrive and I can't stop crying. But I WILL at Least write this damn thing out. Reading it - that is still to be seen. In all honesty, I do not think I can read this out loud to her. I am so scared that since I will never be able to speak this, I will never heal.
I am scared to read it because I don't think I can - I know I will cry hysterically, you know, the kind where there is snot dripping everywhere and eyes are red for days, lol. I laugh, but I am serious. I am afraid that the wellspring of depths of emotion will come out and I will not be able to cope and i will either go insane or die. But i can try reading it like I am writing it - it is not about me; it is just a story. Disassociation is a friend sometimes.
Nights sound like they are the worst for you. Is there anything you do like, routine at night that makes anything better? Or is it more like no matter what you do - its going to happen like that? Maybe leave the frozen clementine near your bed at night? ( Great for that midnight snack, too) :P
@blissedNblessed I was wondering if he's planning on writing a book lol! Keeping all the notes and emails. I'll be patient X or something lol
It is my truth - I was never wanted by either of them. She said every day - the most horrible things :( I feel - stained by them. Like they're etched on my bones - some kind of ancient runes
Now - yeah we're both looking for approval and acceptance. If you're like me - you don't have any of many friends in real life - so we dont have any peers really. We do have here though and we'll hopefully learn to give our own approval and acceptance of ourselves
I've had it suggested to try pot. Not by a doctor or anything - people in this art therapy group thing I used to go to. Said it might help me sleep - I think there's some stale joints around here lol and hey - if it helps I see nothing wrong with that at all! You needed and deserved a nap and I'm glad it helped you relax :)
One little step at a time - ok? Maybe this time you talk with her about how hard it was - everything you were feeling at the time while you were writing. This is your story - your truth - it's ok to speak it slowly because those words are bitter to speak out loud for us. It's ok to cry. Tbh - I got sick - sick as a dog and bawled like a baby after a few sentences. It's ok :) it's normal and to be expected. That's why they have boxes of tissues :)
That's a good idea - to keep a Clementine handy! There is a routine in place and some nights it works ok but then other nights - Idk - a trigger comes out of no where or this anxiety takes off and it feels like I want to just crawl out of my skin or scream - sometimes both
I know you're probably really anxious about tomorrow. You set the pace - if you can't read it out loud - NO One will think any less of you. It doesn't mean you've failed ok? It just means you're taking a break - catching your breath - it won't take away anything that you've done writing it - that was a huge and I mean that - that was a huge step
You'll be in my thoughts tomorrow and I'll be sending you strength
@mytwistedsoul
Bwhahahah! Yes! Patient X! You'll be browsing books one day, come across his name, open it up and find one of your emails signed, Patient X. And go, hmmm, id Does all go down on your permanent record! lol.
That is beyond deeply hurtful and damaging that they told you this, on a daily basis. It just gets more and more ingrained into the core of your very being - the very fabric of what makes you, you. I know that most of what was said to me has become a part of me - their words i take and hatefully spit back at myself - even if i try not to or do not want to. Like my brain gets hijacked.
Yup, same story here - no friends in real life. No one in sight - just one person. But she can not or will not, make a space in her life to Listen to me or hear me. But your so right on with the fact that we have friends here - and in my opinion, it is a strong type of friendship because we meet on such a deep level here. We lay out our very souls here. And yes, it is up to us now to get that approval from within ourselves now - which is like a catch 22 - because we spend most of the days hating ourselves.
Oh yes - pot for me, is a lifesaver. Even my therapist and shrink think it is something good for me - a coping skill. It creates this safety buffer between me and my emotions. I get so engulfed in them, they become so overpowering that I can not navigate within them...does that make any sense? I just get lost. It does really help with sleep too! I get the best sleep with it! I bet it might help with your sleep and anxiety! ( Maybe go hunting for the few stale joints? Teehee).
That is good advice - to start by telling her how HARD it was even writing it. ( it was hell). Sounds like the first time you opened up about your secrets was hell on earth too. Sick and bawling. I am kind of scared about what will happen after my session. Thank god for cups as a safe place to go and get things out, look at them and process that and my feelings and just vent it all out before it eats me alive.
I wish there was a cure - all coping skill for triggers and anxiety. I know that feeling well that you described - crawling out of your skin. I hate that we have to suffer like this and it wasn't even our fault this happened in the first place. ( Stomps feet - its not fair!).
I will remember that - that even if I am not able to speak anything aloud to her tomorrow, it can not take away from the fact that I wrote it! And that is a huge step for me. I will let you know how things go tomorrow. I am getting kind of scared.
I wrote that memory up. But I have not read it since yesterday and I opened it up today and was .... surprised I guess. Because I thought I was mostly present with it but i think i was age regressing a bit or maybe that small part of me was writing? I don't know but it is not written in adult words or even a very adult way and I am embarrassed to read that to her.
I mean, it is memory from when i was very young and i guess it was hard to translate that , in a young child's thinking and feeling, into adult words and feelings. I am worries it's going to happen to me while trying to read it. And I am worried that I might have a flashback in front of her. Or I will just lose my shit and need to self harm right then and there. Or just not be able to deal with how real using my voice makes it. Or fucking just BREAK into pieces because I admitted, without direct labeling, WHO HE IS to me. I am Hoping i will feel lighter like a burden is gone and you never know, that might happen. Im just getting really really scared. And im scared of failing and saying nothing ( which will NOT happen because it is not failing! and i will say something, even if it is just a few words, a sentence or one word.
@blissedNblessed I'm so sorry you had to hear things like that too. Its like they set the narrative and we're helpless to stop listening and on the bad days we just listen to it louder and we agree because of who the narrators are. They couldn't possibly be wrong - could they?
I'm sorry too that the one person in your life can't or won't make space to listen to you. That would be more painful then having noone I think. You have one person close but they're unavailable :(
My go to is drinking Tbh - or it was. I've been trying to cut back with mixed results. Drowning my sorrows doesn't seem to work because as the saying goes - my demons know how to swim
Try not to be too embarrassed with how you wrote - the child you were when these horrible things happened needs to be heard too and she needs healing too
Your therapist is there for you - she can help you calm down and she won't judge anything you have to say or how you say it. And I agree a thousand percent - even if you can't say the words out loud today it's not a failure - you are not a failure - you are a warrior!
@mytwistedsoul
Yes! Helpless to Stop listening to them - we internalized them. Now we speak for them with their words. No escape. I hate this, it really feels like war. Hmm, they can not possibly be wrong? I know they are! They were talking about themselves - projecting. But we took it, and made it part of our identity - those words they used to define us, right or wrong, we owed them. I guess that means we don't need them or their permission or their change of mind of heart in order to chose to believe something else. But that's so hard to do and easy to speak of.
I like that saying, your demons know how to swim. And makes sense about mixed results with alcohol, after all, it is a depressant. But I know if it didn't help in some way, you wouldn't be doing it. I get so sad sometimes, thinking about the fact that survivors drown their memories in alcohol or try to purify thoughts and memories in smoke. Its like grasping, desperately, at anything to lift the pain.
Hey - that's a good point you made about the child me. She needs to be heard and healed, too. I guess I am just not used to letting her out. I used to HATE her. HATE. I blamed everything on her. She held my hate and blame. ( I am so sorrowful thinking about that now - all she was blamed for and all the hate she held). I am not sure what to do with her when I let her speak or let her out - i am sort of scared of her.
That's just it! I do fear that my therapist Will judge me o what I wrote and how I say it. And I am worried she will think I am making a big deal over nothing. Or I am seeking pity. " It all goes in my permanent record" - lol I am scared I will start crying and I will never stop. I am scared to cry In Front of her ( I HATE crying in front of people). I am sacred I will let out all this emotion and it will consume me and I will die. I know this doesn't make rational sense but i have long ago stopped trying to ration with myself.
I am so nervous but excited about today. Like, this is my time to stop up. The choice is there to act the way i always have - to hide and keep secrets, to not speak. Or to chose to move forward into healing and speak and stop censoring my emotions. I still don't know what I will do. Hahahaha, do or do not, there is not try ! ( I am having a Yoda moment).
@mytwistedsoul I’m sorry to hear that you got badly triggered in the sa chat. I just wanted to apologize if I said anything hurtful. @blissedNblessed I am sorry for interrupting your post with this.
I have tried to write this post but it keeps erroring me out - due to content, i am sure. But here I go again, trying:
I found out my lungs are extremely damaged, due to asthma. I am around 29% functioning on exhales and lil less than 50 % functioning on inhales. I am so scared . My dr. said that if i caught anything raspatory, even common winter crap, i will not make it. That is as explicit i think as i can get it to go though :( i am terrified to not be here anymore, to not be. i never know what is going to happen with me, physically.
so THAT was my root for wanting to work through my traumas. I do not know how much time i have left and ill be damned if i spend that time, living a life less than or being someone i despise and hating myself and hating my body.
well, tomorrow i have my one month after starting a new inhaler for lungs - to see how its going. to see, lets be honest - if there is enough improvement to 1) hopefully move me out of the range of direness that i am in ( i do not think i am) and 2) to see if it hadn't worked ( i know it has, just not to wear i need to be) enough i start biologic injections and i am so so so scared of that too. i dont want to exit but i dont want to have THIS quality of life.
Plus, all this trauma work is making me go insane and just, overwhelmed with anger, despair, sorrow, bought of feeling small and acting small, bought of so much emotional insanity. My body going fucking complexly numb. not being able to talk - isolating myself even more. crying. self harm....its so fucking much.
but i want more than anything to continue this work so that i Can have a better present, future life and finally love myself and stop all this attacking of myself.
god, im so scared about the dr. and im so sick of living in fear my whole life about this shit that happens or that. feeling like a fucking victim of life right now.
@blissedNblessed Oh man - that would be so scary! I hope things are better - sending you strength! Keep me posted? I hope the new meds helped and you're out of danger with this and it's not so dire
TW, just sayin'
im so terrified but i think my brain is keeping me from coming undone by putting me back and forth to anger, numb, terrified, shock and back to the beginning. i tried telling my so called best friend, who i rarely talk to anyways because i isolate myself away from absolutely everyone. she couldn't even really listen to me...its hurting her and she has so much of her own shit going on anyways. my aunt knows about my drs appointment too - but i cant tell her because this is hurting her so bad and i know it.so here i sit alone. always alone.
i went to the dr today. to check my lungs to see if they are improving or not. they are not. not even one increment of improvement with the new medication. so now it looks like hes not sure if the lung damage is from asthma or not. im now having to go to the hospital for a blood test to test white blood cells and inflammation or some shit. And a chest x-ray. im still in the danger zone if i get any sickness that messes with lungs, i wont make it out - will be death. i cant do this again. drs and drs and test after test.
i told myself that i would fight as long as my life had a quality to save. it no longer does. no, there is no way im going to stop fighting. i want to live - i have not even had a fighting chance or even a fair chance at a good life yet. but in the same token, my quality of life is non existent and i know that. i stay at home all the time bc i cant go out and in case i get sick. i hate living here. in this house. and i have to care for my aunt - but i dont even get paid for that. i can never even buy myself a damn thing i want. this house itself is full of triggers, too.
from where i sit, i can look right into the room HE hurt me in when we all came here visiting. or the bathroom upstairs where i would pretend wanting to take a bath and play with bath toys and i would just sit in the bath and cry and cry in secret - totally hopeless and in despair. there are no locks any any fucking door - just the bathroom. i am a full grown adult but bc this is HER HOUSE its her rules ( as if i am a child, wtf) and i am not even allowed to have a lock on my door.
im so worried, no, im so afraid that i will not even have enough life left in me to get this healing done. that i will never get a chance to do this healing work. then that means i never got a fucking chance at having my own life. my life - not some garbage tributary of his handiwork. why was i ever even here then? what the hell purpose did i serve?
and how many fucking years did i waste, hating myself. hell bent on destroying myself and everything good in my life. the years of eating disorders. self harming. overdoses. drug abuse, drinking...every fucking suicide attempt. i was suicidal even as a child.
i remember this in perfect detail:
my mom and i went to this fruit/veggie market. it was the end of October, nearing Halloween. it was nighttime and the wind was kicking up all the leaves and everything smelled like Fall. There was this guy, this man. he had these vampire fangs in his mouth and kept trying to scare me. He ended up chasing me around and around the whole market. it was so much fun...until he caught me while in the back of the store.
When he caught me it was so deliberate and hidden far from eyes ( but not totally). and his hand found its way up my shirt and down my pants. Don't they always? and the world got so far away...and so did i. Again. Another asshole.
and i made my way back into the car after everything was over...and i remember thinking, " it is NEVER going to stop". It is ..never...going to end. not only does this happen with ( so and so name entered) and ( such and such name entered here) but its going to happen everywhere i go. no where is safe. its never going to end.
so, believing those things kids were told like don't lean against the side of the door with it unlocked, you might fall out), i unlocked the door once we started driving and leaned against it with all my body weight. And i was hoping and wishing to just fall out, roll onto the floor and have the car behind me just roll over my body and make everything stop.
i have no clue how old i was but i was a kid and i wanted it all to just stop and end. - this is what they did to me and to my childhood. this is what they did to me - its not about the body they defiled, its my damn soul. and now this body that should be proud for taking the abuse that it did is just struggling to survive .
Instructions: Write an impact statement on a separate piece of paper about how the traumatic event has affected you (at least one page).
What does it mean to you that this experience has occurred?
Focus on any guilt you have regarding the trauma and the effects of the event on your beliefs about yourself, others, and the world.
Consider how your beliefs about safety, trust, power/control, esteem, and intimacy may have been affected.
Examples:
If you think that you should have been able to stop the event, then you likely feel guilty.
If you decided that no one can be trusted as a result of the event, then you likely behave as though that were true.
This is so loaded, and I am probably stupid as hell for doing this…but it was part of my steps path and I want to push myself a bit. My immediate response was to NOT do this! To push it away and avoid it – which is kind of why I am doing it – I need to start doing things differently. So, here goes nothing…I feel triggered a bit – on edge and heart pounding but I’m okay. I think I will check in with myself after each question, maybe in between as well, to make sure I use a coping skill BEFORE I am triggered too bad and stop if needed.
What does it mean to me that I was sexually abused as a child?
(Kudos to me for a big step – I wrote “ME” and “sexually abused” in one sentence. I didn’t use language to distance myself.)
The fact that I saw sexually abused means to me that:
I do not have a safe family. I was not loved. I was not loved enough to be kept safe. I was bad and chosen because of that. It is my fault for not getting it to stop or telling. I am broken. I am damaged. I will never have an identity without the abuse. That nothing can get better. I was a disgusting dirty child. I have no worth. I have no value. There will always be something wrong with me. My body is damaged. I am to blame. I am ruined. I hate myself. I hate them. I am selfish for hating them. I am a bad person for feeling angry. I did disgusting things. I will never have a significant other. I will always be alone. I will never enjoy sex or anything intimate. This will follow me around forever. I am ashamed. I must keep it a secret so that no one will hate me or leave me or think I’m disgusting or hurt me. Since this is real, the narrative I told myself about my childhood: that it was still appropriate and okay, collapses. My world turns in on itself. I have no one I can count on. I cannot trust myself to keep me safe. My words hold no power. No one listens to my no. No one will listen to my words. There is something about me that makes me a bad person. I will be punished. I am filth. I have no voice. I am such a horrible person that even family hated me and hurt me without thinking twice about it. I am unlovable. I am powerless. My family is bad. I am a statistic. There is something wrong with me that will never go away. I will never love, accept, and connect with my body. The emotions will eat me alive and consume me. There is no escape. YOU ARE DISGUSTING, DISGUSTING, DISGUSTING! I HATE YOU.
(Self-check in: Well, that escalated quick. I had to come back to this. I hate that I had to make and have dinner with my aunt when I was feeling like this – had to put on this stupid fake happy. But it was a good way to get my mind on something else and come back feeling better.)
Now to make this more specific….
Focus on any guilt:
It is my fault that I could not stop it. I should have been stronger or louder. I should have told – that would have fucking stopped it all. (It was caught them while it was happening though, by my mom, both of them got caught..and two random one time people were caught – but, but…nothing was done to stop it. So maybe even telling would not have stopped it). Now I feel guilt for being so ANGRY at my mom for not doing something to stop it. I feel guilt for having dirty things done, making Me dirty. I feel guilt now for not doing something about this so I could have started healing sooner. I feel guilt for a wasted life. I feel guilty for listening and believing. Its my fault because im bad – there is an intrinsic badness about me. I wish I knew what it was because I would cut it out of me so I could be good. I feel guilt and shame for who these people were/are to me.
(Self-check in I do not feel anything. I am numb. I feel as though I am not talking about something that happened to me, rather something that happened to someone else. Nope, nothing – all feelings are gone.)
How did the sexual abuse effect my beliefs about myself:
I learned not to trust myself. I am the cause of bad things happening. There is something wrong with me. I am tainted. I am worthless. I am disgusting. I am bad. My words mean nothing. I have nothing of value to say. When good things happen the bad will always come in and ruin everything. My body is bad – it is the cause. I am unacceptable. I hate myself. I hate HER (the child me that was abused). People think its my fault or will blame me. It Is my fault. I do not have human status. I will be hurt. I am not safe. I am a thing to be used and abused and thrown away.
(Self-check in: I still am numb but this feeling of deep sorrow is building. But I am batting it away and keeping it down. Still feel like I am talking about hypothetical and not things that have happened to me).
How my safety has been effected/ beliefs about safety:
I am not safe. I am not safe in my body. My family is not safe. Strangers are not safe. There is nowhere to go that is safe. When people want to use and harm you, they can and will regardless of what I want or say. (I did notice my distancing language here – saying, when people want to use you – instead of Me). I will never be safe. People are not safe. People want to hurt me. Even my house is not safe. Because of my trauma reactions, my emotions are not safe. If I feel the full depth of my emotions about this, I will die. The world is not safe. If I am not safe, I cannot go after things in my life I want because I am stuck still trying just to be safe. The world is not safe and is out to get me. I can not have or do what I want because it will be ruined. I ruin everything.
(Self-check in: This is slightly scary – never being safe. I realize I feel so similar to when it was happening but now – I am not safe). I still feel numb, but this is making it so much easier to do this.
How power/control has been affected:
I feel powerless. I feel like a perpetual victim. I have sought out so many situations where I am re-victimized because that is what I know and because I am freaking masochistic. I do not trust men. I see strangers as potential abusers and not potential friends. To control, I must be angry. (I am not sure why I said that but I guess ill have to come back to that). Others want to control me – they cannot be trusted. I have a hard time taking control. I am passive. I avoid conflict. I feel like others have to make decisions and choices for me. What I need or want doesn’t matter. I have to take a back seat to others. Violence is sexual. I have no locus of control. Things happen TO me. I am helpless.
(Self-check in I definitely am feeling anxiety creeping in, and sadness. And anger at how this all turned out – how they stole my power and never gave it back. I feel stupid. I hate myself. These emotions and thoughts are creeping in but still at arm’s length away from me and still doesn’t feel real.)
How self-esteem has been affected:
I feel less than a human being as though I do not have human status. I feel like an object. I feel less than. I am not worthy of anything good or anything good in my life. I do not feel like an adult. I have no confidence. I have no power in my words. I do not love myself. I look at others and think they hate me. Others can see I am damaged. I am pathetic. I am ugly. I am a loser. I do not feel I have a right to be in the world. I do not have a right to experience the world – it is not safe anyways. I was a mistake – I should have been aborted. I am garbage.
Self-check in: Okay – I am getting away from the effects and more telling how I feel – which explains it – but shit – it has taken my self esteem and thrown it in the trash. I do not even want a funeral when I die – just to be cremated and throw in the garbage. I am feeling…idk, sorry for myself? Pity? Compassion – such sorrow about this. And so sad at how much I have to overcome in my mind – on a daily basis, just to survive the damn day.
How intimacy has been affected:
I do not trust men. I do not want ANY sexual attention even flirting. I do not want to get into a situation to be hurt. I do not want to be touched. Yet I am so sad that no one ever safe touches me – I do not even have human contact. If someone is aroused, I am unsafe. Sex=violence and power/control of another. I want to have someone in my life, but I do not want to have sex. I am terrified of sex. I freeze and feel I have to endure it and escape to be safe as soon as I can. (Self-check in: I am feeling sick to my stomach). I can’t date anyone because I do not want to sleep with them. I am TERRIFIED OF GETTING PREGNANT! I do not know why…but it is such an intense and near paralyzing fear of mine. I am always alone. (Getting hypervigilant now…put my cup down and it made a noise and I jumped so high. Sounds are heightened. I feel on guard.) I panic when people are too close to me, physically. I feel it is my duty and responsibility to have sex or be intimate if someone wants to with me, even if I do not want to or like them. (Self – check in: I am so ANGRY at him, at them, for Doing this to me and turning me into this). Intimacy is not safe.