Rantings and Revelations ~ TW
This is going to be my space where I can vent and rant and
put a voice knew understandings. A place where I smear my secrets on canvas so
I gain better perspective…or just have a place to go when I can’t go anywhere else,
and my brain and memories are haunting me.
…TW: Sexual Abuse, Physical Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Verbal Abuse, Self – Harm, Eating Disorders, Sexual Assault...
Today's revelations about my childhood physical abuse:
My father was a very violent and raging man when I was a child. I am just unpacking this now - along with sexual abuse ( multiple people and over a long period of time) i endured as a child as well. I have a trauma therapist so i feel so lucky. But it is hell on earth going through this. I go from calm to emotional overwhelm in just a trigger. I am hoping this helps - writing in here. Processing my thoughts...
My dad had two types of violence:
1. When he was raging. This was more prolonged periods of violence towards me, his wife, my step-sisters and anyone in his way.
2. When there was no reason for it - he was even happy doing it. This was a short burst of giving pain. Followed by what I thought was sadistic laughing and smiling. Herein lies my revelation:
I had this revelation because i went to go visit my dad and his side of the family today for a belated Christmas gathering. He was what i thought was deliberately causing their pet pain. And I watched it move around and freak out and be in distress. I told him to be gentle and tried taking it away from his grasp.
He then explained why he was doing it:
He said that it , the pet, knew that he wasn't serious and that afterwards it thinks its safe now and that he saved it. Also that it knows he's not meaning to cause it harm. I saw it squirm around and try to escape and get all upset. Hes telling me one thing - i see another. ahhhh. Then he says he does it to make it strong.
and...it...clicks!
And...I...Get...It!
When he would hurt me out of the blue, cause me pain until I cried and then he would just do this jolly laugh like my pain was funny...that was not him being sadistic! That was him trying to make me strong. I do not think thats right. but i get it now. and it makes sense, too, bc i remember the LAST day he Ever hit me:
I was 14. we , the family, just got back from the beach on a very hot day, and were laying on the bed together next to the AC, resting. He came up to me and slapped me so hard on my inner thigh for no reason other than i was there. It hurt like hell. And I looked up at him and said, " that didn't hurt". So he slapped me again so hard it left a stinging red hand print on my thigh. Again i just took it and didn't cry or show pain,,,,this went on for quite some time - each time he felt challenged he did it harder. But he finally stopped. He stood back and was proud, said good for you. Never touched me again in anger. I felt this twisted pride , too.
But this warps my thinking so much! How can I hate him ( i dont though) or be angry with him ( i am) when i understand why he would inflict pain - it never was to be sadistic or just to inflict pain; he was doing it to make me strong. But it tore me down, made me an empty shell of a human being. Yet - I have endured so much - as a child, a teen and adult. I am strong. Do I owe it to him , my strength?
Was it still wrong of him to hurt me if he was doing so to teach me? Like a parent pushing away a child's hand from a hot stove? And how do I even begin to unravel and process him being abusive in another way? A way I can nto even put into words here right now? Because maybe i got THAT wrong too? Maybe that was okay? i mean, never okay - but maybe was just misguided?
Now I feel guilty for being upset . Now i do not know what abuse is and is not from him. I know his rage and violence was abuse - but is it abuse to hurt me if his intention was strength to be given to me? But boy - did that plan backfire because i am a shadow of a person now because of all of this.
My step father beat us for no reason
@stockings1967
I am so sorry that your stepfather beat you for no reason.
even with a reason - it is still not okay.
I am so sorry you had to endure that and still now, you have to somehow find a way out and through your pain.
I wear pom pom socks mix match the colors it helps me to brighten up my day
@stockings1967
yasss!
I love that!
I think it is all about the little things we can do to make ourselves feel better.
Because sometimes, we don't have the big things that can.
I think wearing those socks to brighten your day is amazing and i am super proud of you that you can do that! You are inspiring me: I am going to try to do something today, every day, to brighten my day up, too.
I am nervous right now...i have an appointment with my therapist in a few hours. I was supposed to wake up at 6 to get ready ...but i got up at 3 am and could not fall back asleep. I am scared because we are going to talk about what happened to me the day after my last appointment.
I woke up, the day after - in the middle of the night - with this growing sensation of frustration and restlessness - which bubbled into this intense ( INTENSE) anger, not rage but so much anger. I am so angry at every damn one of them that hurt me. They ruined my life. They ruined everything about me. Not only did they defile my body, but my soul, my sense of self, any self worth i had, my life. I can never get myself or my life - the one i could have had, the one i had a right to, back. I hate myself. I hate my body. I hate my life.
I will be alone forever because i cant even be around other people without fear and anxiety - even if i really want to. I can't even have intimate relationships because i am so triggered - I do not want anyone to touch my body and the men that have been in my life, do not hear my words, my voice or boundaries. They do what they want. So I freeze - i freeze because i know what's going to happen. and i wait. i endure what i have to and wait until I can escape and be safe.
..then this anger became Anger-Despair. The Despair was so intense, so overwhelming - SO beyond my capacity to hold or to cope with it. It was like being sucked into a hurricane and every time I tried to open my mouth, more water would just pour in. Drowning...in this sea of emotions I could not escape from. I felt no control, no ability to cope - just lost in them.
And so I sat at the table, to try to relax and figure out what to do with all of this. And I swear I didn't think this through - it was just a knee jerk reaction. I looked at this pen cup that had a self-harm tool in it and just grabbed them and self-harmed.
I had been self-harm free for 5 years - until then. I wasn't worried about self harming again ...but the thought it there now, every day . Every opportunity. I am trying so hard to not go back to this. I am trying to heal - i do not need to do that to myself during that. and i have had enough pain in my life, why should i start giving myself more pain again? I hope I can leave this behind me again. But even as I type, I am secretly thinking of self harming again, right now even.
How all this fear i have right now and frustration and pain...it can all go away and i can have relief. But i am not going to do it. I will tell my therapist if i have to - i will learn another coping skill - i will do whatever it takes. i has self harm free for 5 years, i can do this again. one set back doesn't define me or my progress.
I am so angry.
I am so all over the place right now.
i felt small - like not my age...then i got real scared and now im so so angry.
I can't handle how these emotions pop up and fluctuate and rear their ugly heads all the time.
..but over this Christmas holiday, i have heard ENOUGH of people saying how much the my abuser was such a fucking nice guy. All the wonderful stories that my family are regaling. He was NOT a nice guy - he sexually abused me for over eight fucking years. i cant hear this anymore.
granted, they do not know. well, some of my family knew - out right new and didn't stop him, didn't keep me safe. And i Tried to tell one of them, years and years later in my adulthood. And it wasn't believed - my voice was blocked and the conversation was stopped. she didnt believe me. so i just gave up and said no, thats not what im trying to say.
but i am so so mad. i can not hear anything good about him ever again. Where was this good when he was hurting me - over and over again through the years?
ahhhh!
well, i am really glad i made this journal/diary. I have so much to say - to try to voice the pain and chaos. and i dont really know where to put this all. and i dont want to plaster this all over cups and make people think im crazy or losing my shit. I may feel like it - but i know this is all part of the process of healing.
So, this is of concern...
I was age regressing, involuntarily during my last two therapy sessions :( And afterwards as well. I am looking back at my last session and i could not use big words. I knew what i wanted to say but i didn't have the vocabulary. I kept holding onto my squishy tiger toy. Wrapped myself up in 2 blankets - i know i wasn't even talking in complete sentences. And i was so aware something was different or off but i couldn't find words other than to tell her i was starting to feel panicky first..then trapped...then i just couldn't even connect with her.
This never happens to me unless im stuck in trauma mode...unless , omg, i can't believe i am writing this, even anonymously, but i am a full grown adult and still ( never stopped) suck my thumb , every night.
And even right now i am noticing its getting harder to use bigger words and i have to re-type my words a lot. but i made this list and its of my adult coping skills that i have. i have to stop doing this. i did throw my tiger toy away, hoping it would help. but let me just say, i am CRAVING a big hug with a stuffie.
i do not think it is DID at all. i took some online test - quite a few and scored low. ive been reading about ptsd and cptsd and age regression. i think its that. but i feel so much better! im not all sad and or scared now. i wasnt triggered at all in therapy - wait, i think i was. but i am feeling better because we are not triggering me as much and going a lot slower.
i want to bring up something to discuss, slowly - or have her do it next time. but i have to make sure i can stay present, not overwhelmed and not age regress at all. i want to get better so i have to make sure i dont do this around her anymore. im afraid she is going to say im too messed up for her to be able to help me :(
but still its a good night and its new years eve - hahahahah, yes, im home. whoohoo, party???? LOL
So, I had this revelation:
I have tried to deal with my trauma from sexual abuse. Each time I try to do this ( 4 big attempts on my own) I have had horrible trauma responses or maladaptive coping skills pop up or just emotionally fall apart. I think that unconsciously, I am " acting out" in various ways in order to Stop Myself from processing and feeling and ultimately , healing, this abuse. I must feel, on some level - and I do, that it is not safe to do so. Because if I am "stuck" in age regression, self-harm, emotional overwhelm, ect, then I am not focusing on my trauma and hence forth, safe.
And It makes so much more sense too when i think about how much conscious fear I have as well, about " telling". I lose my capacity to express with words. I do think however that this can be contributed to the fact that I was so young when it first started, the sexual abuse, that i really don't have the words to use: I didn't have the words back then so I just have these overpowering emotions that I feel in flashbacks.
I also lose my ...will to speak the words out loud. I think it's because that will make it too real. Almost like speaking it into existence. As though it somehow doesn't exist fully as long as it lives in the shadows and in memory. Hidden. Secret.
But I also have a very conscious fear that comes up that keeps me from being able to outright talk about the abuse. Why I think so much rears its head when I am triggered and while trying to speak about it, out loud. This fear is in the form of an image. An image that pops up on its own, when trying to talk about this stuff out loud and in flashbacks. This image is of " his" face.
It's a very specific face - the " Do Not Tell look". The we were caught but i will get away with it look. I will deliberately Hurt you if you do tell , look. The, oh my god, my life is in danger, look. The, i am all powerful over you, look. This fear is just as powerful now as it was before and i swear it is trying to override my ability to speak about this.
But I will not give up. I will go gently and try to not trigger myself. I will check in with myself to stave any weirdness off , i will stay mindful of thoughts and feelings. I will stay ahead of the game .
Hey - um - first I guess I want to say I'm sorry if I'm coming across as a lurker or stalker type person - it's not my intention. I cruise the site and just read alot or you and I are subscribed to alot of the same threads - so Idk - I just don't want you to think I'm up to no good or anything - I guess that probably sounds suspicious too tho
So - I saw your post on the anger thread but I didn't want to reply there - because it didn't feel right. What you wrote - my first thought was - my god this is me too. Because it hit so close to home - the war against yourself - the anger - the sadness
I think the healing is the worst part - at least for me - because I don't remember or I guess I should say I didn't know the extent of it until therapy was started - funny enough it was started because there was SH - that sometimes I didn't remember doing - then other stuff started coming out. I was isolated before and now it seems to be the thing to do - I guess because to me it feels safer? From what I understand - being left alone when we were younger - meant that the abuse was over and we were safe. So our brains kind of associate the two. I don't have any relationships with people either - No family - no friends in real life and it is lonely and tbh - I don't even know if I'm allowed to be lonely
The anger is scary - because when we're younger - other people focused their anger on us but we weren't allowed to ever be angry at them. So it feels like it's an unsafe emotion and since we feel like we can't aim the anger at the people who rightfully deserve it - we use it against ourselves but yeah - it does feel like it's going to eat you alive
Again - I'm sorry if I shouldn't have written - I just wanted you to know you're not alone - Even though it feels that way - I'm sitting with you and I understand how you feel - maybe that helps alittle but I also understand if it doesn't
*leaving you a safe gentle hug - no pressure though*
@mytwistedsoul
hey, thank you for writing this. Seriously, i do NOT see you as a stalker or odd or up to no good. I totally get it! And I thank you for reaching out to me and sharing some of your story and struggles and letting me know that I am not alone ( even though i feel it). This means a lot to me. I have noticed your writings too and yes, there is a Lot in your writing that I relate to as well!
It feels like a relief to know that you understand my anger - that anger that threatens to consume everything. Also that sorrow - that sadness and not to forget this HORRIBLE war THAT we have both declared on ourselves :( You made such sense saying that we were not allowed to feel anger at the time of abuse so later on we just turn that anger in on ourselves. I wish I could turn this hateful anger towards the ones that hurt me but everything is so confusing around that.
Why is this: that the actual healing of trauma is almost the worst part? Can I ask you about remembering the extend of what happened to you during therapy and not before? Like, how did you start to remember ? Flashbacks, memories just come back, being triggered...was it talking about it? Because I know a lot and i am so scared to know more. I am so scared on how i am reacting to thes healing - the involuntary age regression shit - scares me beyond words...i bet self harming and not remembering doing that was horrifying !!! Makes me wonder my sanity level when i start acting strange on response to trauma healing. Like i am almost waiting for the white coats to come get me and throw me in the mental hospital and lock me away for life.
and you made a good point about feeling safe, that after the abuse was over , we are alone - and being alone means safe. But being alone also means isolation, no connections, loss of social skills ( lol, i swear i have none left - ty pandemic and my self isolation)...dealing with all this shit on our own. feeling we are alone - even if there are others :( ...i dont even talk to friends anymore. ever.
Maybe somehow we need to change isolation/being ALONE to man something else? Maybe learn to show ourselves that we Are Safe, but in different ways than we have before. Instead of being alone to be safe, we can reach out ( like you did with leaving a response for me here :) , or sit alone for a while in a safe room And then text or call or even email someone? Or post on cups ( i swear without my random posting on cups id be insane)..i don't know. But i know I can't keep doing this. any of this - that which hurts me and isolation does - i just dont know how - ahhhh, yes comes back to damn safety - reaching out or being with others does NOT feel safe.
I feel so much better though, knowing you relate ( i wish you didnt though , im sorry you have to go through this). This request might sound so strange, but feel free to post anything you think is so weird as your reactions to your trauma and yr healing the trauma/ id love to know because i bet you are not as alone as you think either <3
@blissedNblessed I'm glad you don't think that of me - thank you :) I guess I convince myself that I'm not a very good person and Idk - it just makes me question myself
I wish that too - that I could say out loud to the people who did the abuse but I don't. Probably for a number of reasons. Deep down there's still alot of fear when it comes to these people. Plus in a way I know it wouldn't make a bit of difference to them - they would justify it somehow or lie and deny it. I've found that writing letters to these people - telling them my truth - my anger helps get it out. And telling the therapist too -
I had to give this some thought - remembering. I think it was when things really started to get talked about. It shed light on the dark corners - like you said - giving it a voice makes it real. It's hard to deny something when we talk about it. But - and of course there's allways a but to it - talking about it is necessary. I used to have nightmares and wake up screaming tbh - I lived with my grandparents when this would happen - we all thought it was just - nightmares but with talking with a therapist - the nightmares were just re-living some of the traumas. I can understand why regressing would scare you - especially if you don't want to and depending on where or when it might happen - it would be dangerous too. The blanket and stuffed animal sound like comfort items - maybe a weighted blanket would help and stuffed animals are pretty cool. But from what I understand - the healing is so hard because our brains are wired the way they are - we can change it but it's hard work because the lesson's we're trying to learn now go against everything we know from the earlier years - we literally have to change the way we think and unlearn those earliest lessons.
I think that's a good idea - if nothing else to post on here. You're right though - it doesn't feel safe to reach out to others - that's a childhood thing too because there was never anyone to reach out to. So we learned to do everything ourselves - for ourselves - we took care of our own wounds - we soothed ourselves and now unfortunately we have to heal ourselves but and this is what we need to try and remember - this IS a safe space here for us. That you and I can write here on Cups and be heard - that we can reach out to a listener *even though we probably don't lol* or we can email someone - even our therapists if they're ok with it - this helps too because it helps make them aware of whats going on - things we might forget for the next appointment - sometimes the amount of time we have with them just isn't enough to even touch base on some of the things going on. Sometimes just saying out loud that you are safe can help
It takes me a long time to write things out sometimes - because I sort of get lost or there's so much to say that I have no idea how to start. I lose my train of thought alot - makes me feel like an idiot sometimes because I can be talking about something and boom - someone wiped the slate clean. Sometimes I find weird things in my pockets - eggs lol - or walking into a room and not knowing why - I've walked out of therapy sessions with the words f*ck this sh*t - and growled at people ferociously during panic attacks - that's kind of embarrassing. Sometimes I joke around at times when I shouldn't. I'm sure there's other stuff that'll come to mind later - I'll let you know lol
I'd like you to know that anytime you need to or want to - you can tag me - but there's no pressure to either ok?
@mytwistedsoul
I feel you on the feeling you are not a good person ( you are but i know you do not feel that you are). For me, i can't put my finger on Why I am not - it is this feeling of, intrinsic badness. Are you similar with this?
I was thinking about what you said, that telling the Truth would make no difference . I have two thoughts:
1. Right!? It would be excused away or not believed! im in a situation kinda like that as well - and it hurts so much to know that it would not be taken seriously or excused in some way. I have two main abusers that were in my life: one died ( thank god) and the other is still in my life ( this messes me up so much). And I tried to tell before , about the one who dies ...and it was met with disbelieve and anger and justification - and shut right down then and there until i finally just said, thats not what im trying to say, that never happened :( Like how can such horrible things happen and then no one was there to keep us safe ( we had to comfort ourselves - alone). Then in trying to heal - just excuses some more.
2. Maybe ( this is the healthy side of me talking - lol) that speaking our Truth , speaking our anger and placing that anger where it belongs - on abusers, that is healing in its own right? Speaking the Truth, in therapy, to me, to people that will support and listen, maybe that is healing. Truth does matter - even if it is only You hearing it.
But yes, so so SO MUCH GOD DAMN FEAR - surrounding telling. I get overwhelmed with such intense fear when i am trying to talk out loud about it.. I get flooded with this intense fear, feeling trapped, and that sorrow ...but omg, so much fear.
Yes - the blankets and stuffies were incredibly comforting. I still get out of the blue cravings for them. But they trigger ( or make it easier) to age regress - without my consent or wanting to . So I buried all my stuffed animals in my closet, refuse to allow myself to wrap blankets around me. I even threw out my tiger squishy toy ( even though i really wanted it). That is such a great idea though, about using a weighted blanket! That wouldn't be triggering for me and would be so comfy. I have one too - and its perfect weather for it here, oh so cold. I think i am going to get it out of the closet today - thank you so much for this awesome idea!
I am sorry you had to ( do you still get the nightmare flashbacks?) endure that horrible ordeal when you tried to sleep. Is there anything you can do to feel more safe and comfy at night?
It is SO NOT FAIR, that the abuse was NOT our fault - but we are the ones that had to endure - have to look at and process this, have out lives torn apart because of this and yet still, have to pick up the damn pieces. I get it though - what you were saying about our brains need to be re-wired and new neuropathways created to get out of all this trauma responses. Still, its not fair. But i guess it is a good thig because we can, with all the work, be the people we know we are and have a life worth living. It is almost like reparenting ourselves and re-learning - everything of importance, but the correct way. so so so much involved in trying to fucking heal.
And I had to laugh when you wrote we can reach out to listeners ( BUT WE PROBABLY DO NOT!)...hahahah, damn right. Though, I have tried before and got a male listener that actually started to talk in a way that was very much like grooming. and i freaked the hell out. great listener, huh? wanted me to talk with him on some other place - hangouts, instead of here. fuck you. ahhhhh. Or other listeners that are just so not equipped at talking about, listening or guiding conversations when abuse is the cause of what's going on. I hope you have not had bad listeners as well. I am sure there are good ones out there too!!!!!!
Yeah, emailing my therapist does help - things that I am afraid i wont talk about or what's bothering me that i want to discuss in the next session ....mine is fine with that , or texts, but I feel I do not deserve to be able to text her or get help when I need it - that coupled with after the age regression stuff - i am literally so scared that she will not see me because i am too crazy for her and some new disorder will be given. and fuck - i know i don't have one - its this dang trauma trying to come out but i dont know how to get it out or how to talk about it . i mean i can write about it, but words fail me when i need to speak. and emailing her just triggers me later because , omg, she Knows. so close to telling!
I am sorry this is so long - you do not have to reply to everything i have said, lol, i feel i have just so much to say. and no one really to put it but here and random posting and of course, talking to you - which i am so very thankful and blessed to have met you :)
hmmm, oh boy, do i know what you are talking about with saying something and then a moment later the slate is wiped clean! I hate that - i feel so stupid and embarrassed. and sometimes im listening to my therapist and then i go blank in the middle of what she is saying - and i have to tell her, im sorry i have no clue what you are saying. ( I worry again, something is wrong with me...which makes me want to hide from her when things like these happen).
and hey - i get your embarrassed with what you say or how you act when in the middle of a panic attack. same here. i get them a lot - and i lash out, I don't make sense and I'm an asshole I'm sure. But - our frontal cortex shuts down and we lose our ability for rational thoughts during panic attacks. so I've been practicing 4x4 breathing like all day long to keep it from happening.
HEY - I LOVE that idea about tagging each other when we need each other or want the other to read something that might help or if we just need each other's support. Is is more than okay for you to do that to me too - to tag me! I would love to be a part of your support system.
*offers of a safer hug to you *
@blissedNblessed Kind of like being born cursed? Evil? Sometimes maybe thinking that you did something on a past life you're now paying for?
#1 - wow I did the same thing. Tried to tell someone and it blew up and she lied and denied everything. And justified it. And I guess I just shut down. I remember part of that night. She was so pissed. The other person - that's your father yeah? It's complicated sometimes with family
#2 Yes! Even if you can't confront them. Speaking your truth is healing. Speaking it to a therapist or to anyone who will listen - all though the - external validation is helpful here. Its harder to doubt yourself if someone outside knows. As hard as it is to say the words out loud - especially the first time - it's better to get it out then to let it fester inside. It's allmost like they're corrosive. They hurt coming out but keeping them inside hurts too
I get overwhelmed by that fear still sometimes and the sadness - the sadness is there more and more lately and anger. The anger bothers me the most because it seems to come out of no where but sometimes it feels justified
Hey that's great! Weighted blankets are awesome. I had a listener suggest it to me. I don't use it much myself tbh - it makes me feel trapped but it helps other times. It must have been hard getting rid of your tiger
The nightmares are still a problem but they're not as often as they used to be and some nights I actually get some sleep. Other nights I'm afraid of the dark and need a light on
Oh yeah I know that fear of emailing - even posting things here causes that panic sometimes. The therapist we have wont let it slide either because we try not to email much so if he gets an email he usually brings it up first thing lol. And I do the same thing and find I'm not all there and didn't hear a single word he said and he has to repeat himself. Hes catching on though and checks in every few sentences to make sure I'm paying attention
And the listeners here - can be an adventure. Some of the first ones asked so many wrong things and I hope you reported that one. It's best I've found to try to get someone who has been here pretty long and the general queue is not a good place to go lol. Those newer listeners don't stand a chance
Seriously - don't worry about your post lengths ok? I mean I do it too but you're welcome to write as little or as much as you want to
Thank you for the hug :) sending one back! I like that idea too! But there's no pressure to ok? I know sometimes we just need to write things out and can't deal with replying to someone either we're not in a good mind to or sometimes just don't have the energy or words to. I respect and understand that
@mytwistedsoul
Yes - kinda like that: the intrinsic badness is sort of like karma from past life...not really a curse...how do i explain...its like not knowing why i am bad ( though i know a million reasons why i am not good enough or why i am less than) but having the badness be this all pervasive " badness" without being attributed to a certain cause of reason - just born into this world defective and bad and less than . I guess, it is that FEELING of bad during abuse, but then take that out of context and place that badness onto me? It is really hard to explain.
Wow, thats poignant. How you said that the abuse pain is like corrosive and it hurts coming up to talk about it but it festers inside if you keep it in and don't talk about it. I feel that! And it sucks too because we Have to delve into all that pain in order to be free. I wonder if we will ever be free of it. I mean, people heal , right? But do we heal fully? Or is like having an eating disorder? You can get rid of the behaviors but it always will haunt you o the inside. God, i hope i have a fighting chance to actually heal from this and not have it corrode my insides the rest of my life.
I get what you are saying that anger feels more justified than your pain. Anger i so damn empowering sometimes and way easier to feel than pain. For me, the pain feels more justified than the anger. I hate hate hate one of my abusers - hate. the other, i dont. And the anger i feel at both of them feels unjustified. Like i have no right to be angry at them. Pain and fear, on the other hand - seem like my ...birthright :/ Why do you think you feel anger more easily than pain?
hmm, good point about the weighted blanket. I used to love mine, and i think it will be fine. But i get in these...moods? Where like an emotional flashback, im filled with fear and panic and feeling Trapped. Trapped and crushed and i can't get away. Maybe during triggered moments like this, ill definitely put the weighted blanket aside. LOL - i still have not gotten it out of the closet - but im going to. I love a good comfort blanket...but then i worry, will this trigger anything? lol - my new normal: will this ( enter random noun) Triger me. But while im feeling good - getting the dang blanket out, tee hee.
yeah, it was hard and sad getting rid of the tiger. I still kinda feel sad when i think about it. But I am SO Scared to get triggered with that age regression thing. So i got rid of all things that make me feel triggered at all . Sort of makes me feel like i punished my inner child. But i just want to be normal and what happened to me with the feeling / acting small thing scares me so much.
oooh, i love how your therapist checks in with you to see if you are present! I wish my therapist would. I do follow what shes saying but a lot of times in the session i will just go in and out. when i really go " out" and im just not there with her, i do tell her and ask her to repeated. But she doesn't catch the lil times - so many many lil times, that i just kinda leave. Or I am present and I am gone, at the same time. I guess i could ask her to as well as check in with myself, too...and i could always just tell her.
And bwhahahha, when i read that part you wrote about new listeners not even having a chance when it comes to us needing to talk. Yup! true story!
and ofc, no pressure felt about tagging or anything else. Hakuna Matatta :p
I have tried to write this post but it keeps erroring me out - due to content, i am sure. But here I go again, trying:
I found out my lungs are extremely damaged, due to asthma. I am around 29% functioning on exhales and lil less than 50 % functioning on inhales. I am so scared . My dr. said that if i caught anything raspatory, even common winter crap, i will not make it. That is as explicit i think as i can get it to go though :( i am terrified to not be here anymore, to not be. i never know what is going to happen with me, physically.
so THAT was my root for wanting to work through my traumas. I do not know how much time i have left and ill be damned if i spend that time, living a life less than or being someone i despise and hating myself and hating my body.
well, tomorrow i have my one month after starting a new inhaler for lungs - to see how its going. to see, lets be honest - if there is enough improvement to 1) hopefully move me out of the range of direness that i am in ( i do not think i am) and 2) to see if it hadn't worked ( i know it has, just not to wear i need to be) enough i start biologic injections and i am so so so scared of that too. i dont want to exit but i dont want to have THIS quality of life.
Plus, all this trauma work is making me go insane and just, overwhelmed with anger, despair, sorrow, bought of feeling small and acting small, bought of so much emotional insanity. My body going fucking complexly numb. not being able to talk - isolating myself even more. crying. self harm....its so fucking much.
but i want more than anything to continue this work so that i Can have a better present, future life and finally love myself and stop all this attacking of myself.
god, im so scared about the dr. and im so sick of living in fear my whole life about this shit that happens or that. feeling like a fucking victim of life right now.
@blissedNblessed Oh man - that would be so scary! I hope things are better - sending you strength! Keep me posted? I hope the new meds helped and you're out of danger with this and it's not so dire
TW, just sayin'
im so terrified but i think my brain is keeping me from coming undone by putting me back and forth to anger, numb, terrified, shock and back to the beginning. i tried telling my so called best friend, who i rarely talk to anyways because i isolate myself away from absolutely everyone. she couldn't even really listen to me...its hurting her and she has so much of her own shit going on anyways. my aunt knows about my drs appointment too - but i cant tell her because this is hurting her so bad and i know it.so here i sit alone. always alone.
i went to the dr today. to check my lungs to see if they are improving or not. they are not. not even one increment of improvement with the new medication. so now it looks like hes not sure if the lung damage is from asthma or not. im now having to go to the hospital for a blood test to test white blood cells and inflammation or some shit. And a chest x-ray. im still in the danger zone if i get any sickness that messes with lungs, i wont make it out - will be death. i cant do this again. drs and drs and test after test.
i told myself that i would fight as long as my life had a quality to save. it no longer does. no, there is no way im going to stop fighting. i want to live - i have not even had a fighting chance or even a fair chance at a good life yet. but in the same token, my quality of life is non existent and i know that. i stay at home all the time bc i cant go out and in case i get sick. i hate living here. in this house. and i have to care for my aunt - but i dont even get paid for that. i can never even buy myself a damn thing i want. this house itself is full of triggers, too.
from where i sit, i can look right into the room HE hurt me in when we all came here visiting. or the bathroom upstairs where i would pretend wanting to take a bath and play with bath toys and i would just sit in the bath and cry and cry in secret - totally hopeless and in despair. there are no locks any any fucking door - just the bathroom. i am a full grown adult but bc this is HER HOUSE its her rules ( as if i am a child, wtf) and i am not even allowed to have a lock on my door.
im so worried, no, im so afraid that i will not even have enough life left in me to get this healing done. that i will never get a chance to do this healing work. then that means i never got a fucking chance at having my own life. my life - not some garbage tributary of his handiwork. why was i ever even here then? what the hell purpose did i serve?
and how many fucking years did i waste, hating myself. hell bent on destroying myself and everything good in my life. the years of eating disorders. self harming. overdoses. drug abuse, drinking...every fucking suicide attempt. i was suicidal even as a child.
i remember this in perfect detail:
my mom and i went to this fruit/veggie market. it was the end of October, nearing Halloween. it was nighttime and the wind was kicking up all the leaves and everything smelled like Fall. There was this guy, this man. he had these vampire fangs in his mouth and kept trying to scare me. He ended up chasing me around and around the whole market. it was so much fun...until he caught me while in the back of the store.
When he caught me it was so deliberate and hidden far from eyes ( but not totally). and his hand found its way up my shirt and down my pants. Don't they always? and the world got so far away...and so did i. Again. Another asshole.
and i made my way back into the car after everything was over...and i remember thinking, " it is NEVER going to stop". It is ..never...going to end. not only does this happen with ( so and so name entered) and ( such and such name entered here) but its going to happen everywhere i go. no where is safe. its never going to end.
so, believing those things kids were told like don't lean against the side of the door with it unlocked, you might fall out), i unlocked the door once we started driving and leaned against it with all my body weight. And i was hoping and wishing to just fall out, roll onto the floor and have the car behind me just roll over my body and make everything stop.
i have no clue how old i was but i was a kid and i wanted it all to just stop and end. - this is what they did to me and to my childhood. this is what they did to me - its not about the body they defiled, its my damn soul. and now this body that should be proud for taking the abuse that it did is just struggling to survive .
Instructions: Write an impact statement on a separate piece of paper about how the traumatic event has affected you (at least one page).
What does it mean to you that this experience has occurred?
Focus on any guilt you have regarding the trauma and the effects of the event on your beliefs about yourself, others, and the world.
Consider how your beliefs about safety, trust, power/control, esteem, and intimacy may have been affected.
Examples:
If you think that you should have been able to stop the event, then you likely feel guilty.
If you decided that no one can be trusted as a result of the event, then you likely behave as though that were true.
This is so loaded, and I am probably stupid as hell for doing this…but it was part of my steps path and I want to push myself a bit. My immediate response was to NOT do this! To push it away and avoid it – which is kind of why I am doing it – I need to start doing things differently. So, here goes nothing…I feel triggered a bit – on edge and heart pounding but I’m okay. I think I will check in with myself after each question, maybe in between as well, to make sure I use a coping skill BEFORE I am triggered too bad and stop if needed.
What does it mean to me that I was sexually abused as a child?
(Kudos to me for a big step – I wrote “ME” and “sexually abused” in one sentence. I didn’t use language to distance myself.)
The fact that I saw sexually abused means to me that:
I do not have a safe family. I was not loved. I was not loved enough to be kept safe. I was bad and chosen because of that. It is my fault for not getting it to stop or telling. I am broken. I am damaged. I will never have an identity without the abuse. That nothing can get better. I was a disgusting dirty child. I have no worth. I have no value. There will always be something wrong with me. My body is damaged. I am to blame. I am ruined. I hate myself. I hate them. I am selfish for hating them. I am a bad person for feeling angry. I did disgusting things. I will never have a significant other. I will always be alone. I will never enjoy sex or anything intimate. This will follow me around forever. I am ashamed. I must keep it a secret so that no one will hate me or leave me or think I’m disgusting or hurt me. Since this is real, the narrative I told myself about my childhood: that it was still appropriate and okay, collapses. My world turns in on itself. I have no one I can count on. I cannot trust myself to keep me safe. My words hold no power. No one listens to my no. No one will listen to my words. There is something about me that makes me a bad person. I will be punished. I am filth. I have no voice. I am such a horrible person that even family hated me and hurt me without thinking twice about it. I am unlovable. I am powerless. My family is bad. I am a statistic. There is something wrong with me that will never go away. I will never love, accept, and connect with my body. The emotions will eat me alive and consume me. There is no escape. YOU ARE DISGUSTING, DISGUSTING, DISGUSTING! I HATE YOU.
(Self-check in: Well, that escalated quick. I had to come back to this. I hate that I had to make and have dinner with my aunt when I was feeling like this – had to put on this stupid fake happy. But it was a good way to get my mind on something else and come back feeling better.)
Now to make this more specific….
Focus on any guilt:
It is my fault that I could not stop it. I should have been stronger or louder. I should have told – that would have fucking stopped it all. (It was caught them while it was happening though, by my mom, both of them got caught..and two random one time people were caught – but, but…nothing was done to stop it. So maybe even telling would not have stopped it). Now I feel guilt for being so ANGRY at my mom for not doing something to stop it. I feel guilt for having dirty things done, making Me dirty. I feel guilt now for not doing something about this so I could have started healing sooner. I feel guilt for a wasted life. I feel guilty for listening and believing. Its my fault because im bad – there is an intrinsic badness about me. I wish I knew what it was because I would cut it out of me so I could be good. I feel guilt and shame for who these people were/are to me.
(Self-check in I do not feel anything. I am numb. I feel as though I am not talking about something that happened to me, rather something that happened to someone else. Nope, nothing – all feelings are gone.)
How did the sexual abuse effect my beliefs about myself:
I learned not to trust myself. I am the cause of bad things happening. There is something wrong with me. I am tainted. I am worthless. I am disgusting. I am bad. My words mean nothing. I have nothing of value to say. When good things happen the bad will always come in and ruin everything. My body is bad – it is the cause. I am unacceptable. I hate myself. I hate HER (the child me that was abused). People think its my fault or will blame me. It Is my fault. I do not have human status. I will be hurt. I am not safe. I am a thing to be used and abused and thrown away.
(Self-check in: I still am numb but this feeling of deep sorrow is building. But I am batting it away and keeping it down. Still feel like I am talking about hypothetical and not things that have happened to me).
How my safety has been effected/ beliefs about safety:
I am not safe. I am not safe in my body. My family is not safe. Strangers are not safe. There is nowhere to go that is safe. When people want to use and harm you, they can and will regardless of what I want or say. (I did notice my distancing language here – saying, when people want to use you – instead of Me). I will never be safe. People are not safe. People want to hurt me. Even my house is not safe. Because of my trauma reactions, my emotions are not safe. If I feel the full depth of my emotions about this, I will die. The world is not safe. If I am not safe, I cannot go after things in my life I want because I am stuck still trying just to be safe. The world is not safe and is out to get me. I can not have or do what I want because it will be ruined. I ruin everything.
(Self-check in: This is slightly scary – never being safe. I realize I feel so similar to when it was happening but now – I am not safe). I still feel numb, but this is making it so much easier to do this.
How power/control has been affected:
I feel powerless. I feel like a perpetual victim. I have sought out so many situations where I am re-victimized because that is what I know and because I am freaking masochistic. I do not trust men. I see strangers as potential abusers and not potential friends. To control, I must be angry. (I am not sure why I said that but I guess ill have to come back to that). Others want to control me – they cannot be trusted. I have a hard time taking control. I am passive. I avoid conflict. I feel like others have to make decisions and choices for me. What I need or want doesn’t matter. I have to take a back seat to others. Violence is sexual. I have no locus of control. Things happen TO me. I am helpless.
(Self-check in I definitely am feeling anxiety creeping in, and sadness. And anger at how this all turned out – how they stole my power and never gave it back. I feel stupid. I hate myself. These emotions and thoughts are creeping in but still at arm’s length away from me and still doesn’t feel real.)
How self-esteem has been affected:
I feel less than a human being as though I do not have human status. I feel like an object. I feel less than. I am not worthy of anything good or anything good in my life. I do not feel like an adult. I have no confidence. I have no power in my words. I do not love myself. I look at others and think they hate me. Others can see I am damaged. I am pathetic. I am ugly. I am a loser. I do not feel I have a right to be in the world. I do not have a right to experience the world – it is not safe anyways. I was a mistake – I should have been aborted. I am garbage.
Self-check in: Okay – I am getting away from the effects and more telling how I feel – which explains it – but shit – it has taken my self esteem and thrown it in the trash. I do not even want a funeral when I die – just to be cremated and throw in the garbage. I am feeling…idk, sorry for myself? Pity? Compassion – such sorrow about this. And so sad at how much I have to overcome in my mind – on a daily basis, just to survive the damn day.
How intimacy has been affected:
I do not trust men. I do not want ANY sexual attention even flirting. I do not want to get into a situation to be hurt. I do not want to be touched. Yet I am so sad that no one ever safe touches me – I do not even have human contact. If someone is aroused, I am unsafe. Sex=violence and power/control of another. I want to have someone in my life, but I do not want to have sex. I am terrified of sex. I freeze and feel I have to endure it and escape to be safe as soon as I can. (Self-check in: I am feeling sick to my stomach). I can’t date anyone because I do not want to sleep with them. I am TERRIFIED OF GETTING PREGNANT! I do not know why…but it is such an intense and near paralyzing fear of mine. I am always alone. (Getting hypervigilant now…put my cup down and it made a noise and I jumped so high. Sounds are heightened. I feel on guard.) I panic when people are too close to me, physically. I feel it is my duty and responsibility to have sex or be intimate if someone wants to with me, even if I do not want to or like them. (Self – check in: I am so ANGRY at him, at them, for Doing this to me and turning me into this). Intimacy is not safe.
