Pigeon's Nest

This is my first actual post this.

Today was relatively low stress. Tomorrow I have to meet with someone at noonish to discuss my end project for a class that I'm working on. The performance anxiety has been kinda mounting. 'specially since this is a pretty end game kinda class that I was brazen enough to take early on. lol

I keep on going back to how college was 10 years ago. How I screwed up, how I disappointed everyone. Closest thing to my mother died wondering where I was gonna end up, my family threw me out and made me homeless... and then there was college where it looked like I was just some punk that didn't deserve her scholarship. That didn't deserve entry into the classes I was in due to my low test scores which were destined because of how horrible my anxiety was and my conditions at home with my abusive family.

....but that isn't now.

Sure... I've got an abusive jackass to deal with. But I'm finally learning a thing or two about life and existing as a human, not some construct that they think I am. A scapegoat that deserves to be a sacrificial idol. Nah... screw that noise.

I'm gonna figure this out. Somehow. I'm really worried for this term of my university, but when am I not? XD However, I do feel a bit more confidence and it's showing.

My psych noted that my progress was "remarkable". I...wonder.

I do know that things are shifting. I feel it. My dreams are more vivid, my senses are awakening. After this long winter, Spring is finally arriving.

Been awhile. Hoo. I'm tired and overcoming a persistent ear infection that has spread to my other ear now.

...Besides that, many little twinges of bedlam ensue.

My God, the boundaries that have been crossed. How I've been raised by abusive people who only see others as extensions of themselves. No definition. "How DARE my arm say or act in such a way". My boundaries have been trampled for ages, and only in this year(I believe) have I attempted to firmly state my No.

For example, my abusive husband with severe unresolved wounds believes everything belongs to him. So he has taken to wearing one of my robes, using my fancy(extremely girl) spa products, and other such things. One day this week I actually put my foot down about the soap he had used- but then he wanted my fancy shampoo I got in Chinatown a few years back. WHENEVER he takes a bath in there.

I hid it this time, but then he simply looked lazily and said he'd have to rummage around in the bathroom to find it. "Only a little" of this rummaging. X_X; Yeah right. He's gone through my things multiple times and gets angry if I disapprove. It's just like being that little girl again with the sh*tty father. Heck, they say you find what's familiar. Something about trying to have another go at it and this time "fixing" it. Or something...

I've woken up here.

To my own potential- to what's going on.

The shape of my boundaries.

My own co-dependency.

My role in this, and how I can change it.

But also, positivity. Making connections, self-love, and self-care. Compassion.

It's really hard... because in all this psychological stuff one side says you're a victim to this- can see why it would be that way. The other side says LOL you let them have your power. Idiot. And yet with all these advances in many fields, we cannot seem to find something to bridge this gap. It's frustrating.

I don't want to be wearing the victim badge, but then again I don't want or need to be powerless. But I want compassion or empathy if I choose to share these things. I know I'm not that little girl I used to be, but the trauma, the past, and even my life altering phobia is still contained and reacted to in this form of the little girl. I myself am very childish at times. I want to grow, past this poor disheveled little girl. But not PAST her, WITH her. I have tried abandoning her before and it wound up in a total collapse. My mental architecture so to speak.

Another thing I'm learning is not to be held captive to my abuser's situation. He's addicted to escape via very child-like things and some not so child-like things. Obsessing over how much of a d-bag he is doesn't help, a little venting here and there can't be helped. But it's easy to have yet another thing to b*tch about- they want that kind of negative attention it would seem.

*sighs*

I will face my fears.

I will be able to maintain myself and work through them.

Sitting with that fear or those negative emotions and managing to work through the day without a total breakdown or volatile reaction. I long for those days. Where trauma and re-traumatization doesn't dictate my life.

Feeling like hell today.

Been getting things done, but it seems like I clear one thing off for their only to be a mountain awaiting me at the next turn. ...these impossible feelings and some of the things that have happened lately reminded me of some of my previous trauma.

My ex-family of origin, who I entirely cut off around ten years ago after they threw me out and made me homeless. My grandmother who was raising me because my deadbeat parents were too busy getting drunk/high, partying, and cattin' around didn't give a crap about their daughter. I was pretty screwed up then, even. A LOT had happened already, she thought I was troublesome but didn't want to see me tossed aside. But her family would constantly insult and ridicule me while she stood by. There was a lot of alcoholism and other things involved.

I was troubled. She did A LOT for me, and my agoraphobia was just starting to present itself. Due to the fact my family constantly said I was worthless, pulled different kinds of things on me, and the only place where I felt somewhat safe was my room- but then my aunt would come in and just take stuff for her speshul golden child daughter. No permission stated that it was technically not mine. What a b*tch. They were all like that. Stuff like that ensued- and I felt so worthless and scared that I hardly left my room...only to be called worthless and what not by my relatives that would brag about my cousin who was so "wonderful" *eyeroll*. I hate them. I always will.

The twisted family dynamics, the whiffs of incest(and the actual incest that occurred), the way they didn't accept death. My grandmother was calling out for me on her deathbed and wondered what would happen to me... where I would live. And then...they just waited for their chance. I had some friends over who were staying over a night from Vegas, I'm not friends with them anymore because of how sickeningly toxic they turned out to be.

They had ALL this stuff and then a baby in tow and someone tipped off my family because I'm a screw-up that turned their house into like a trap house. Yeah right, the only one who cleaner than them. I had NO IDEA they'd have all that stuff. The ENTIRE family was alerted, and then they kicked me out and changed the locks. I left with the clothes on my back and the car I used to drive to school, some books, and the computer. I had no one. When I was freaking out over losing my home my "father" just mocked me and wondered if I was pregnant. They don't get that I'm not a sleazebag kind of person like them. There I was, no one advocating me. The crazy bastard saying that my family "LOVED" me. And then my rather power-hungry nutso older cousin breaking into a house where I was staying to find me after I was hiding from him and FORCE me to hug- it felt like he was trying to choke me. Give me these insulting words of comfort, not to mention say I would have a dead end job. He just broke in there(he was a cop) and I told him to leave me alone, he wouldn't go. I told him to f*** off, to leave me alone, all those times. It came to a point where I was just a crying heap. I couldn't move- I was so f***ing scared.

After that, I traveled for a bit- homeless....the other part is when some things that really contributed to this 10-year isolation take place. This part certainly did, though. I started crying halfway through writing this. and to this day they think I'm some f***-up enemy that merely deserves to be their slave to torment.

How this is in relation to now, my current abuser doesn't like the word no and will not take no for an answer at times. It's seen as an insult or that it doesn't apply to them. I try hard to maintain my cool and realize I'm dealing with someone who is a giant toddler. That this WON'T be my future, and this loser won't be there when things are said and done. My entire family was losers- no matter how "successful" they seem. I hope that some means of fate equalizes what they have done to me- that they suffer for what they've done. I for one do not trust families, but I hope one day I find people that are like a family to me. People who accept me for who I am and do not seek to cut me down. People who are positive and compassion. But are empathetic and will just be there with you, not trying to FIX or SOLVE things via a stupid peptalk. Inspirational stuff is welcome, but sometimes I just want to be heard or have someone simply there for me.

@CaloenasNicobarica I hear you Pigeon. I am holding a spacr ig support fir you.

Went to post last time and closed that tab out! Was halfway through the post- quite frustrating. Here I am to try to put my thoughts down here again.

It's been kind of chaotic, but also murky and as if things are being taken into the slough of despondency mentioned in the Pilgrim's Progress. More and more I realize things about my self, my past, the choices I've made and how I've been like a ghost in a perpetual loop playing out the circumstances of around ten years ago.

I was frightened going into therapy last night. Frightened that I would be reprimanded for being the "victim" and letting these people take my "power"- because it's all MY fault. I've been subject to victim shaming before in the mental health industry. Trying to be empowering but at the same time, it feels like they're taunting one for what they did. "LOL you had power, wtf did you do that for. Own up to it." I hate it. You'll see this is kind of an ongoing rant for me.

It wasn't like that this time. Let me settle down here with my tea. Using my Consort this time. The one with the blossoming white flower with the red wilting ones behind it. A very somber kind of feel. The epitome of still life. Well... instead I got empathy, which isn't rare. But I was surprised and a bit worried. On the way to my appointment, an incident occurred where I got incited and snapped at my abuser after they wouldn't stop harassing me. It was over essential oil, strangely enough. Any conversation with the abuser gets turned into a debate/argument/dismissal. When I snapped they just stopped talking and looked freaked out. ...then resumed normal conversation- like I was apparently crazy, so please excuse her. e_e;

My psych said that what I had experienced was straight up violence. Even though I mentioned it before, this time seemed different. I was under verbal attack and I've been, so it's no wonder I snapped- if anything when I lashed out he was like a scared little bully on the schoolyard. Never thought of it as...violence. But it is. I worked on using EMDR with that particular experience and got a little spacy. I can't do it for a long time because I get really weird...almost drunk seeming. Feel better today. But looking ahead, I wonder how things will be? My next sessions are gonna focus on my past and the bullying that has happened to me that lead me to my isolation and seclusion. It's gonna be hard- been ignoring those aspects and just coping with the crap that my abuser has dished out.

I went through stages of "How inept I am to be dealing with this. WTF is wrong with me, I'm so freakin' stupid/retarded/etc.", to "I hate that little b*tch boy, etc." to now, "Y'know what? He doesn't DESERVE to know what I think. That's a privilege to people who respect me and treat me decently." Abusers and toxic people in general are fishing for reactions. So I've been learning to not personalize it, and treat them like I would a sleazy pop idol who is trying to play herself up as a bad girl. Ignore them. Because they WANT to be noticed, they WANT a reaction, and that gives them power(and publicity, not to mention sales in this case). So screw 'em. Gray rock all the way.

On the way back last night, my abuser acted like I had split personalities for lashing out on him. Calling me "yourselves". Hah. Yeah, I tested out for not having any MPD or anything like that. I do manage myself in ways related to Jungian constructs and the like at times, but he just wants to put more crazy on me so he can seem like some sane white knight good ol' boy. So here I am coping with a gender-bent version of Misery. DID/MPD does not make you crazy. These things he puts on me does not mean you are crazy. It's something that people struggle with. Not that defines them. He also tried to put me into the ASD spectrum and to be OCD. I asked my psych about these things, and he said neither of them applies to me. This wasn't to begin with, but merely recently- after about a year of knowing him and seeing him for once a week.

I keep these things secret. Because only those who are open to the fact I'm a separate human being with thoughts, feelings, and needs who will not harm me are allowed to know. It's a very somber feeling lately, but I'm excited for fall.

Here it is! Another Thursday.

I've been doing decently on my daily check-ins. That's pretty good, I guess. Also passed a class with a decent score, and I hope to move quickly through the class I'm working on currently. A management type class, actually. Feel kinda like a fraud. XD I mean, I only worked for barely a year after the sickness, mental and physical caught up with me and I went into my ten-year decline as a home-bound agoraphobic. Now attempting to do college again after flunking out due to the circumstances mentioned previously...

I'm not sure what to say...

Drank my chamomile milk tea before bed and now listening to some classical music while my diffuser is producing Lavender and Frankincense mist. Having a lot of trouble sleeping. I drank a lot of caffeine lately, and kinda eating things that aren't that hot for me. On the plus side, I've been eating more fruit again. I'm not as hesitant to eat a salad or vegetables that much anymore. Progress. XD

Hmmmm~. There was that incident where the miasmic incarnate said physical illnesses and mental illnesses are completely different in a very insulting way. Then lashed out at me when I got offended and I offered a simple, neutral statement to state I wasn't thrilled with his discussion. I cried that day, but people were so nice on here that I felt a lot better.

What else? Oh right, this same person then went on ranting about how he loves this one character in a book because they keep getting sh*t on but keep going and he loves cheering for them. I narrowed my eyes. How very silly. Fate does have a rather barbarous sense of humor at times. Not to mention the fact they bought tickets to a concert to go with a very losery crowd that actually hates him. Whatever, his thing- but they verbally attacked me many times and even called me a freak which he denies. They've used, lied, just been horrible- but he'll throw out the red carpet for them and assign me to the gallows. Hah...fishing for a reaction, indeed.

One of the things I detest about abusers the most- they try to act like it didn't happen. After all this, he sidled up to me and tried to talk to me like nothing happened. However, if you bring it up they tantrum and lash out(as usual). Some sources will tell you that you need to set boundaries in order for you to defend yourself. ...well, if you like fighting and screaming so much, do so. I've already decided I'm dealing with someone incapable of understanding those sorts of things. The best thing is to get away completely. I've decided that my silence, my heart, and my fortitude are not worth sharing or bearing to them. So I silently make my way out of it, walking towards the exit with each step I take. "A nice rope you have there, I really do not need it, tumultuous little boy." Oh, and don't forget realizing his addiction. That happened this week. Not my monkeys, not my circus.

Therapy has been tough lately, EMDR is very taxing on me. Facing the past that I finally have to... not exactly easy. Left it to sit for awhile, and things kept piling up each day with the walking miasmic pool. Besides the work I do in therapy, I watch Ted Talks and read articles and sometimes books on self-help. Incorporating Carol Dweck's Growth mentality work has helped immensely, combined with Mel Robbins 5 second rule. Not to mention my spirituality, and actively sending back the negative energy to those who truly need to deal with it and empowering myself to face my own challenges. I also give thanks and send out positivity when I can. Need to do that a bit more often, unfortunately. I used to give thanks every night. I'll get to that point again, I feel.

The road is long, and I intend to get out of this muck- but it's scary. Going out by myself, DRIVING, working! I've lived on my own before and paid my own bills, that's not a problem... but sticking with it, making healthy connections, not being completely dirt poor or homeless, being able to be happy and thrive! That's what I want. To be able to be myself and not be criticised 24/7. Y'know, have actual positive people around to celebrate and enjoy their company with! And I want my kitty boys to be happy and healthy and work towards my dream. My cat is lying on his back and I want to rub his belly. C_C; He doesn't like that much, though... Anyway...

Was gonna write a story today but just got distracted. Need to regain my focus after all this.

Here it is! Another Thursday.

I've been doing decently on my daily check-ins. That's pretty good, I guess. Also passed a class with a decent score, and I hope to move quickly through the class I'm working on currently. A management type class, actually. Feel kinda like a fraud. XD I mean, I only worked for barely a year after the sickness, mental and physical caught up with me and I went into my ten-year decline as a home-bound agoraphobic. Now attempting to do college again after flunking out due to the circumstances mentioned previously...

I'm not sure what to say...

Drank my chamomile milk tea before bed and now listening to some classical music while my diffuser is producing Lavender and Frankincense mist. Having a lot of trouble sleeping. I drank a lot of caffeine lately, and kinda eating things that aren't that hot for me. On the plus side, I've been eating more fruit again. I'm not as hesitant to eat a salad or vegetables that much anymore. Progress. XD

Hmmmm~. There was that incident where the miasmic incarnate said physical illnesses and mental illnesses are completely different in a very insulting way. Then lashed out at me when I got offended and I offered a simple, neutral statement to state I wasn't thrilled with his discussion. I cried that day, but people were so nice on here that I felt a lot better.

What else? Oh right, this same person then went on ranting about how he loves this one character in a book because they keep getting sh*t on but keep going and he loves cheering for them. I narrowed my eyes. How very silly. Fate does have a rather barbarous sense of humor at times. Not to mention the fact they bought tickets to a concert to go with a very losery crowd that actually hates him. Whatever, his thing- but they verbally attacked me many times and even called me a freak which he denies. They've used, lied, just been horrible- but he'll throw out the red carpet for them and assign me to the gallows. Hah...fishing for a reaction, indeed.

One of the things I detest about abusers the most- they try to act like it didn't happen. After all this, he sidled up to me and tried to talk to me like nothing happened. However, if you bring it up they tantrum and lash out(as usual). Some sources will tell you that you need to set boundaries in order for you to defend yourself. ...well, if you like fighting and screaming so much, do so. I've already decided I'm dealing with someone incapable of understanding those sorts of things. The best thing is to get away completely. I've decided that my silence, my heart, and my fortitude are not worth sharing or bearing to them. So I silently make my way out of it, walking towards the exit with each step I take. "A nice rope you have there, I really do not need it, tumultuous little boy." Oh, and don't forget realizing his addiction. That happened this week. Not my monkeys, not my circus.

Therapy has been tough lately, EMDR is very taxing on me. Facing the past that I finally have to... not exactly easy. Left it to sit for awhile, and things kept piling up each day with the walking miasmic pool. Besides the work I do in therapy, I watch Ted Talks and read articles and sometimes books on self-help. Incorporating Carol Dweck's Growth mentality work has helped immensely, combined with Mel Robbins 5 second rule. Not to mention my spirituality, and actively sending back the negative energy to those who truly need to deal with it and empowering myself to face my own challenges. I also give thanks and send out positivity when I can. Need to do that a bit more often, unfortunately. I used to give thanks every night. I'll get to that point again, I feel.

The road is long, and I intend to get out of this muck- but it's scary. Going out by myself, DRIVING, working! I've lived on my own before and paid my own bills, that's not a problem... but sticking with it, making healthy connections, not being completely dirt poor or homeless, being able to be happy and thrive! That's what I want. To be able to be myself and not be criticised 24/7. Y'know, have actual positive people around to celebrate and enjoy their company with! And I want my kitty boys to be happy and healthy and work towards my dream. My cat is lying on his back and I want to rub his belly. C_C; He doesn't like that much, though... Anyway...

Was gonna write a story today but just got distracted. Need to regain my focus after all this.

"I've decided that my silence.."

Instead of silence, meant to say words. Think my sleep tea is kickin' in!

Things are looking up as of late.

Did some paperwork last night for my financial aid and am continuing to study my class today. Home is a very desolate right now. If it's not the "roommate" disassociating and living in a fantasy world, its some kind of rage or attack mode. It's pathetic. After being quite frank with my psych about the way things have been going he decided it would be beneficial and good for me to see a marriage counselor to at least help advocate for me in this hostile climate.

While the idea strikes an uneasiness in me, I am going along with it. I have already accepted the fact this person won't change, never believes it's their fault and chooses quite blatantly to act in such a horrendous manner. I also have ethical problems with it, however. Can see how someone would not want to participate in this situation due to it's no-win kind of scenario. It feels like I'm being manipulative. And to be honest, I do feel a bit sneaky- but my psych has a point... no one is completely altruistic. Still...it concerns me...

After speaking my mind very frankly last time, it seems my theory about them having similar experiences holds water. That they have depression, anxiety, and PTSD that they're ignoring. I've also suspected sexual abuse from their family, besides substance abuse issues. What this leads to? A train wreck. A train wreck denying it's a train wreck. Because if they accepted or conceded they had some kind of mental illness they would consider themselves "wrong". As they have told me I am. That I went to therapy because there was something WRONG with me, and they weren't going because *laugh* there's nothing WRONG with them. Imagine some grimy awkward boy saying this to you in a "loving" manner and that's what I experienced.

With all the sh*t I've experienced I don't lash out at people at the drop of a hat. And I sure as h*ll would feel bad for lashing out at someone I loved or cared for. Hoo, this fetishized "normalnormalnormal" life they have is just nuts. I'm supposed to play the role of the Stepford wife. No feelings, intimacy(physical, mental, etc.), thoughts, deviances allowed. Obey, obey, and obey. Because, little mr. controller can't handle anything else. "A human element in a relationship?! HAH! That SHOULDN'T happen. I'd...*insert verbal diarrhea that lasts for 20+ minutes here* "

This isn't even a healthy friendship. After all this time, I'm done with grieving it seems. I'm more in my angry stage. Been doing okay in walking away from them, dropping the rope and all... but I am still pretty pissed off about things. And somehow I'm using that anger to fuel my way out of here. By working on my education, future, mental health, and soon my physical health and well-being. The emotional eating has been really bad as of late and I gained a bunch again. I know I've said before that I got to do something, but I feel this will be the time I truly take it into my hands. I tell myself "I don't need it." now. I need other things, friendship, love, empathy, compassion, honesty, and just a safe place. Not crammin' a bunch of sugary sweets to "finish a deadline" or some other excuse. I don't need it. It's a work in progress but it's one I'll be happy with, eventually.

*sighs* Don't go into the serpent's nest. You'll get bitten.

I simply called the bank today to get something done, but it turns out that's not how you do it. The walking wound told me that I needed to call the place do it myself, but then they told me to go in there. X_X; I said something along the lines of, "Well, that's different from what you told me or said..." kind of to no one in particular. And then INJURY, RAGE. Maybe he did tell me to go in there, but I also just don't wanna deal with his crazy MIL's BS. I've been avoiding it because she works there and I REALLY don't wanna deal with her or her negativity. Heck, I have reason to believe she's behind this miffed up paperwork, as well. Funny how my husband's stuff gets through expediently but mine somehow ALWAYS has a problem even when I have someone look it over. Well, he might be doing it on purpose, too. LOVELY people, really. Not to mention he won't change banks because apron strings. Even broaching the subject gets rage.

I'm just trying not to get swept up in the sheer crazy right now. How that one off remark turns into YOU BLAMED MEEEEEEEEEEE. When he will go on in formulae: "WELL YOU...*insert blame and idiotic explanation along with circular conversation about how it's my fault*", "You never xyz.", "WELL! I remember it differently!"

I would be fine with apologizing... but not with the way he's acting. It is completely emotionally retarded. We all make mistakes, but to seriously run off and sulk for the entire day afterward and be cooped up in the bedroom like a freakin' kid and plugged into his fantasy worlds... It's pathetic. I tried to talk to him about it, that "Hey sometimes I can't remember stuff and I need to do it myself." That doesn't mean everytime I freakin' forget everything and he has to play %100 Right.

Of course, I got the YOU BLAMED ME! when you said that treatment. How I apparently can only see things through my own perspective and no one else's. It continued on like that and basically him with his narcissistic whining til I simply walked out of the room while he continued to demonize me and project- he still was talking for five to ten minutes after I walked out of the room. "This is why our marriage is blahblahblah and it's just a one-way street with you..." and so forth. There's a thing called a mirror, think you might want to look in it- Mr. Holier Than Thou

So yeah, ACT and drop that motherf***in' rope! Gonna do some of that self-help guide after this, and then focus on my university stuff. Gotta just think of this as some psychological field study and learn what I can from this. Apply what I know, and simply don't react to the subject in question. Since I am practically dealing with a wild animal who refuses to control their feelings, emotions, or rage.

Really wish I had a long-term support listener to help me deal with the narcissistic abuse, mind-games, and trickery I deal with on a daily basis. Not to mention someone with trauma experience. I've found it hard to connect with listeners as of late and find that they aren't equipped to deal with me besides everyday conversation. I mean- not everyone goes through hardcore stuff so it's kinda expected. Heck, mental illness is still a taboo kind of subject strangely enough. I'm glad that I have my psych and the community members here. There have been some awesome listeners out there, but PTSD + whatever else makes things that much more complex.

Kinda would like some support or something that I'm totally not being some evil monstrous b*tch right now. I don't think I am, but I'm still learning to trust my intuition and not accept their manufactured gaslit reality they want me to devour.

@wizeakre

Hi Wizeakre, thanks for dropping in and your kindness for checking on me. It's always a pleasure to see you. :)

Thanks for the validation. It means a lot to me. I end up questioning myself so much nowadays, well less than awhile back... but it gets tiresome like you said. The blow-ups are one of the reasons why my psych mentioned the marriage counseling idea. Funny thing is, my husband was manageable a week or two after I mentioned it and was mock acting affectionate. Then this. I highly doubt he'll survive the marriage counseling more than a week or two. Anyway...

He pretty much does what he wants. So it's not an excuse to go off to play the games. When he gets home from work he dives into these games, books, or TV for rather long stints- I'm talkin' 7~8+ hours. Heck, when I walked out on him as mentioned above he had one of his earbuds in and was listening to his book WHILE arguing. With that dead fishlike gaze. I do think there's something to that. I've been blamed for that kind of thing before in different variations. But I think it's maybe a combo of these things? He doesn't know how to self-regulate or deal with emotions plus the fact he needs to blame someone.

When I've brought this up to my psych he's mentioned multiple things. Disassociation. What we already mentioned. And the fact he just can't handle the reality of things. Another thing, my biological father did something similar where he'd go fishing/drinking/getting high and live in denial of how the marriage was in shambles. Heck- my bio mom was certainly contributing but it was super blatant how messed up things were. One of the things that struck me lately was how often he asked me what I wanted him to do or wanted me to tell him what to do angrily. While that sounds good, the context is off. This will happen after he lashes out at me for stating a feeling or something. It's like he doesn't even want to be troubled with thinking about it. For a while he believed that if he wasn't at work he didn't have to make decisions and tried to force me to make decisions. Yeah- I don't let that fly anymore.

One of the main problems is that he WON'T acknowledge his anxiety/depression/PTSD issues. He's very similar to me in what he experienced via his abusive family. But he absolutely refuses to think accept a label related to it or that it's even possible. He's in complete denial of how he is and how they are when it is surprisingly blatant. The doctor even diagnosed him with anxiety but he freakin' fired her! X_X; "No, she's crazy! She has no idea what she's talking about!" He has panic attacks, there are so many signs of anxiety and depression. They get countered easily with stuff like "So and so has that, and it's NOTHING like what I'm going through- that's different." Instead, he got a quack diagnosis from one of my previous counselors who I left. ADHD. If anything he has symptoms of PTSD more than anything with the way he describes things... ever since the Adderall came into the picture stuff got way worse. I look at this, and he's basically like me if I went to the dark side. Like, I'm basically around to be the sick/crazy person for him. Because he's "normal". I've heard of how things can get into that negative "dance" kinda thing.

The problem is he just runs away from everything and then acts like it's normal. So even if this dance were addressed- he's blatantly making himself unreachable. Last night after I posted this he took my car into town without telling me and went away for an hour or so. He's done that multiple times before, one time he freaked out on me like this and then said that he just had to go get some lightbulbs when he got back after he stormed out of the house and slammed the door. After two hours or three hours...
I get leaving to get some fresh air or perspective, but it's just another ploy in that game of his. The theme seems to be emotions are dirty, ignore them or destroy them.

I'm really sorry if I went on or kinda ranted or repeated stuff. I'm not angry or anything at you, this stuff is so hard to explain and mind-numbing at times.

Meant quack diagnosis in the context of my previous counselor being unprofessional and perhaps erroneous. Not that ADHD doesn't exist. It's a very real thing and valid. Gah, my words won't do tonight. X_X;

...and sorry everyone if I'm being a whiner/complainer about my life and unhealthy people and situations in it. Been very frustrated lately, but will try to process these things better. Guess I'm more whiny and taken aback now that I've woke up to my feelings, logic, emotions, and intuition lately. Hard not to go on a blamefest with the way abusive people act...getting too invested in it and need to take back my power by focusing on myself positively.

Haven't felt like talking much on here. Still got comments to respond to. X_X;

I dunno. Just processing some stuff, working through the BS at home everyday. Been studying the ACT path a bit more and doing the exercises... but I need to get back into meditation and yoga. Gave myself an extended break for three days or so. Doing nothing. I couldn't focus on my schoolwork... but I'm trying new methods of note-taking for that and seeing what works. My last class, yay. Gonna get through it quickly, I know it!

Like I said....haven't felt like talking much... it's been easier to break from that codependency where you believe someone's words so readily and have your own reality. This is NOT to be confused with youthful hubris or arrogance over your perspective. But confidence in your intuition and perspective, even when someone so cloying tells you something is this or that when it clearly isn't. Because telling someone how/what they are thinking/feeling/saying/wanting is BS. Flat out. It's entirely BS. And I REFUSE to be sucked into that again by some emotionally immature toddler who hates the world and hates himself. My family was the same. Its taken me a long time to undo some of those programs of old, but damn it... I'm gonna do it.

To the one person I know is me, you are you. They cannot tell you who you are when the facts are right there. You've listened to your therapists, psych, and others and some of them aren't exactly reliable or safe. But you've learned which ones you can trust, which ones you shouldn't. But you've also learned to look at your own actions, feelings, thoughts, and wants. You've looked into that mirror and took into account some of the more violent truths that have emerged. Responsibility is also part of who I am. Took some time to learn, but I will get even better at it and more mature. Hoo, life's a journey of learning, isn't it?

So... the holidays are approaching. X_X;

Not an easy time for me. Have a feeling others on here can empathize.

Thanksgiving, Christmas, general holiday BS.

This is hands down one of the toughest times of the year for me. I had a session earlier this week of therapy that was quite honestly a blood-letting. It was the first time I cried so much in a session. I tried so damn hard to keep myself together, and I could not stop it. We were working on processing and focusing on some of the old traumas. Like the bullying and scapegoating that occurred in my family and has happened to me out in public. I swear abusive people can almost sniff out that weakness or something. Have spoken to others who have observed the same and read an article where it was attributed to disassociation. Which I do a lot in public, especially if things are intolerable for me at the moment or other reasons. Lately, I haven't been as much- but I find that my anxiety medicine I take on occasion helps with it. I just don't want to be so distant from things all the time. That's how it makes me feel. I want to be able to cope with my emotions, damn it.

Anyway... I've cut off the inlaws due to their abusive, vicious negativity. My family is also cut off. Both sides. Same situation. They are like rabid animals that eat their young. My best friend and her mom I ended up cutting off because of them telling me to "get over" my situation and not doing anything to listen or help me. They simply tried to dig up gossip- which is so freakin' sad. I grew up with these people and I care for them, but yet again I'm being seen as inconvenient and someone caught in the cross-fire of their dysfunctional family affairs. I really miss when times were simpler- or at least appeared to be. They never were. One of the last bits of negativity I'm stuck with is my husband- who I keep working towards gaining independence from. My psych noted my progress as of late. I'm happy, but I don't really feel anything about it- it just needs to get done. I need to work through this and the things that have festered with only the slightest glance.

With my school and career stuff it's hard enough- but focusing on recovery and building up my strength and focus to be able to work. It's been challenging. This time of year...I remember when the closest thing to a mother died. I remember when that crazed family locked me out of the house and made me homeless. I remember having to abandon my cat to them because of some misunderstanding and having to leave her to their whims. I feel so horrible about it. The fact...the sexual assaults happened while I was homeless... and I got a job but I was so sick and even suffered from mold poisoning due to the environment being like something from freakin' Last of Us. And I lost her... even near death she worried about what they were going to do to me. She tried to ease me out of the home, but my agoraphobia was starting to get worse. And then I was cast out into the stormy winter with the clothes on my back, my car, and a carfull of my things. Yet they have told me they loved me.

If there is some equalization. Some vengeance to be dealt, let it be done. Let these people suffer how they made me suffer. All the blame, shame, hatred, self-loathing and insanity that they embody... I hope that others who are decent people get away from them quickly- that they are smart enough to save themselves from that suffering. It makes me sick how much the inlaws are like these people and claim to be "good people". Yet the only way they know how to communicate is through mind-games. You don't end up how my eventually to be ex is like without some pretty severe circumstances.

I've been through hell. but I'm not gonna blame everyone and everything and play poor little victim 24/7. Men like him make me sick. Heck, just people like that. I think one day I'll find someone who will be a lovely human being, someone who I can learn about and grow with. A healthy relationship. Being on here I've made healthy friends- or at least friends pursuing health and recovery. It's given me hope for my own recovery, hope for new friendships and connections. I really need to do those check-ins, though. Feel that they really help me and also teach me empathy and compassion by readings others responses. A good thing, considering my rather nihilistic/misanthropic burn the world broodiness as of late. Puer has been thick with the "holiday cheer" lately via entitlement and mind-games. Has not helped things. The marriage counselor is also not available until December. X_X; Wish I could just trade this model for different one. Where the heck is the receipt?!

Guess who walked away from prepping and cooking dinner just now.

I CANNOT function with this every single day and really need to focus on my self-help stuff even more vigorously. Just dealt with your typical narcissistic mindf***ery tonight. Was in the middle of prepping a rather large dinner that I was looking forward to, and had got ingredients for it last night when this occurred.

Him: *is about to settle down from just coming in* Let me know if you need any help.

Me: I'd like it if you helped me with breading the cutlets, actually! There's a lot to do.

Him: No. I didn't mean that. I'll just get in the way in the kitchen, I MEANT something like taking out the trash/crushing cans/etc.

Me: *getting frustrated* Oh, alright then. I guess since it's not acceptable to you I'll leave you to the things you deemed ACCEPTABLE.

Him: *cold distant silence*

I walked into the kitchen completely frustrated. He pulls this so frequently as of late. Then acts like a kicked puppy. There's this article called "The Mindf*** channel only has three stations" charm, self-pity, and rage. After standing there with my ingredients out and my cutting board ready I decided to invoke a boundary- putting my cooking stuff and ingredients away I walked out of the kitchen and decided to separate myself from him so I could just calm my ass down. "I will NOT be treated this way and be expected to cook dinner."

While I was trying to regain peace and do some journaling he proceeded to knock on the door and act in the kicked puppy style. I told him I was busy and didn't want to be bothered. So yeah, charm with the asking, self-pity for not getting his dinndinn, and probably rage if I told why.

I need my damn peace. What an insufferable person. Can't believe I lived like this for so long. I'm off to respond to posts on here and do some ACT stuff.

@CaloenasNicobarica

Oh, what bliss! How many times must that person chained to the kitchen have wanted to do that? Its the being taken for granted thing thats so very frustrating, but youve just proved thats not you.

Problem is though, youre going without too. How can you meet your needs without giving in on the principle? You say there would be rage if he knew why you downed tools. Do you feel able to have that conversation with him? Do you feel able to ask for more support? Youve referred to him in an earlier post as a soon to be ex. Is this something you plan to be open to him about, or are you just planning to distance yourself from him and hope he takes the hint?

@DeborahUK

Hey Deborah, it's been really stumbly figuring out how to place boundaries and what I CAN do with them. I stopped cooking for awhile, and now only cook infrequently as it was simply taken expected and not really appreciated. Not only that, I stopped doing his chores as well. Only if it falls in line with some other chores I'm doing. It's something I learned a few years back. That I don't have to tolerate his treatment or put up with someone being bratty and being expected to be like their mum. That I have needs, too. It's still unsettling for me having to deal with this mind game kinda stuff. Luckily my psychologist and being here has given me the tools to learn new, healthy ways of coping and asserting my humanity.

You're absolutely right, I'm going without. The way I'm meeting my needs right now is having a couple microwavable sandwiches so I don't starve myself tonight. lol But seriously, this is something I'm newly learning. How to advocate for myself while remaining safe and not simply giving in just because. At this point a normal conversation doesn't take place- it turns into something very murky and headachey. pretty much the thing outlined above is a template for conversations with this person lately. There are times when it appears some things can be spoken about, but it often turns into nothing happening. I've asked for more support and it just doesn't amount to anything. I do plan on leaving him- it's a matter of when.

Right now my PTSD, agoraphobia, and social anxiety are things I'm working through so I can be able to function out in society. Right now, I'm homebound and slowly but surely making progress to untangle these things. For instance, I'm going to university online in preparation for a career and studying up on skills I need for getting a job. I don't work and haven't for over a decade- I want to change that and finally be able to take care of myself. It's a long road. It's hard when at the same time he's trying to keep me an emotional cripple. He's caused a lot of damage already. Divorce has been mentioned before and well...it wasn't pretty. I am currently distancing myself the best I can while remaining mindful and not attaching myself to him. I've brought up marriage counseling if only to have a mediator due to how restricted things are with even speaking with him right now. However, if I had friends or family, I'd probably be with them and out of here already. I do know that when the divorce is brought up and I'm ready to go it's gonna be hell because of injured ego type stuff. Still, it's something I gotta do.

Apologies if I tend to go on. Didn't mean to barf a huge text wall at you, @DeborahUK. X_X; I do appreciate your thoughts and giving me things to think about.

So dem holidays, right? Been feelin' like I want to get a bunch done, but then I end up playing video games on my break! Blarf. I have all these things I "NEED" to do. But then forcing myself to do them doesn't yield a result. Do I really "WANT" to do them on my break? It's called a break for I reason but I feel so restless and I know I have so much to do. Like re-uping technical certifications and such. Working on my vocational skills besides on stuff related to my recovery. It's been pretty hard to focus lately, and it would seem this break for me is yet a challenge to the one I'm with.

Why is it always a competition with these types? Y'know... there was an incident the other day where I was coloring and listening to classical music to wind down. Minding my own business and chillin' with the cats. Then Puer comes in, sees what I'm doing, and immediately starts coloring in my book since I was taking a break. Going on these weird tangents about pride in your work and blahblahblah criticism. Like WTF. He kept on mumbling about how happy everyone looked in the picture he was coloring. He kept comparing his to mine and then demeaning my work ethic. SERIOUSLY.

I flat out said it was wrong to criticism and compare like that- then he on the spot rationalized some bizarre nonsensical rules. It's nuts. I think back to my parents and how they also competed with me. As a freakin' child no less! Oh wow, you're 30 something lording over a 5-year-old. Big man over here. It's pathetic. When I've looked back on things lately, I see how prominent it was. My mother competed with me for cuteness or beauty, father-intelligence, ILs-status, and all of the above, in all actuality the "all of the above/superiority" is the main constant. Relating to that false omnipotence they try to embody.

After all these years I'm trying to free myself from the shackles of projection from these people. To realize my own personal power and that their worthless projections are just that. Worthless projections. True relationships are fostered with encouragement, positivity, love, kindness. Even if it's simple. There's an integrity or purity about it. Something genuine.

I know that those people I encountered, and the ones I'm still trying to excise from my life... they live life based on a fortress of lies. Shoddily made, gleaming with thin gold plate, hastily constructed. Falling apart. Must be hard trying to conquer a person that way, and especially a small country. A fortress that's perfect, it can't be anything less, yet it's so fragile.

Let me keep my copper shrubbery, metal trees, and psychedelic-colored animals in my silly world where I laugh like a dork and be at peace. It ain't perfect, but it's mine. And it comes straight from my silly Pigeon-y heart.

@wizeakre

I took your advice and have been playing games like no tomorrow! Ever since Xenoblade 2 came out I can hardly keep away from it. Might get Style Savvy 4 near Christmas. Which is funny considering we've talked about how frustrating it can be for just average makeup stuff. I can't even paint my nails properly. XD

And thanks! Writing is very important to me. Helps get it out, sort things, and catalog it all at the same time. There's just...so much stuff. Especially when dealing with disassociation it can become hard to remember each day or when things happened. Heck, I see parents that can remember all sorts of things that are going on and I just don't know how I would cope. lol With abuse, predominantly the kind featuring mind games and such- it's essential to have some record to come back or something to ground yourself with.

I cannot thank my psychologist enough, and of course you and other folks on here. Finally learning to reach out and also acknowledge some hard truths helped to slice through that murky curtain. My social anxiety still needs some work towards dispelling, but the trauma is the core which it resonates from.

But enough with that stuff... looking forward to Christmas! Hope you and yours have a good one! The cats get Fancy Feast and little stockings this year.

Hopefully, the cats won't get the notion to knock over the tree!

Having a real hard time tonight.

Tried to bring up something, but I get so flustered that it's hard for me to state my point effectively. Not to mention the out of this world MINDF***ery going on with the other person. Tried to bring up how I didn't approve of selling this vehicle we have for an ungodly horrible deal. Not to mention this stupid person who offered it was being a total dip and rapid texting through dinner the entire damn evening. What an idiot.

So, two idiots this evening.

After I tried to say how he wasn't hearing what I was saying and kept on trying to argue with me about what he "SHOULD" be doing. Yet another tactic... He then said he was discontinuing the conversation with me because -I- would not listen. Uh huh. Then five minutes afterward... I'm crying in my room and he's sitting in silence- hear's the guy drive up and walks out, puts on his happy mask and jovially, warmly greets this guy after emotionally/verbally assaulting me.

I can't even... I just am so glad I have therapy tomorrow. Being more awake to the abuse makes it really hard, seeing how much stuff he does put me through and do to just get a reaction or simply compete. How can someone be so twisted to say that I have involvement in the finances when he blocks me from any decision making regarding these kind of things! Like...y'know! That 5K truck that he got in less than a week after seeing it. BEHIND. MY. BACK. He only mentioned it to try to twist an okay from me. I feel like hell. He's so freakin' fake. I'm struggling right now, but I see how horrible he is and that I need to just work on myself and focus on my career right now.

I

WILL

NOT

LIVE

LIKE

THIS

@wizeakre

Wizeakre, I just wanted to say "Thank you!" for your wonderful support.

I know I can be pretty dang intense and it's a turn off to some people in dealing with me, so thank you so much for simply being you. I've been reading your new diary and have been inspired to look at things more positively and constructively. I think I might follow suit and make a new diary thread where it's notes and the like and things that actually serve me in my journey. I'm at a point where I've been ranting for ages it feels. Now, I'm ready to finally do things and look more objectively.

BTW RE:Gaming. Oh cool, you played the older stuff! I used to be on text-based MUDs back in the day. It's based on a lot of that kind of stuff. I'm only recently starting the Hobbit and LOTR stuff due to my fellow nerds urging me vehemently. XD

It's really interesting that you see games that way. Life feels like that a lot to me, especially the trauma or psychological stuff. Gaining EXP, leveling, taking on the difficult boss, managing resources. What's funny is I've gravitated towards survival horror games like Resident Evil and the like. I tend to describe and talk about some pretty visceral stuff in therapy. Played The Evil Within 2 recently. It's seriously about a man overcoming the guilt and trauma he faced from a previous instance combined with losing his daughter and wife. There's this scene where the main has to come head to head with this boss that essentially screws with his mind by playing his guilt/trauma against him. But the main wins and tells the guy where to shove it. After that, he battles him after literally battling his fears.

It was pretty inspiring, and kind of a WHOA moment. Relevant in an uncanny way.

Hm. Well, I ended up getting marriage counseling arranged via X--- X-----. Payment and everything- not only that, my psychologist was able to speak with her about the situation.

Things were promptly arranged. Earlier I went to an appointment up north near the water, in a small but cozy office. There was a sand tray and knick knacks here and there. It was an uncomfortable session. M was putting on his good Christian boy mask pretty thick. I find it interesting how often he describes his family as

@wizeakre

Hi Wize, hope you're enjoying yourself some fun times in Hyrule via Breath of the Wild! That game made me love the franchise even more. Absolutely love how they depict Zelda in this world. I also feel that the open world and physics in that game is better than some games purely dedicated to those concepts. Not sure if I'm gonna purchase the DLC for it... since a lot of my favorite RPG franchises are releasing titles soon.

Anyway, sorry for taking so long to respond to this. My psych warned me about how I was currently in shock but it didn't really register until after he said something. X_X; lol It took pretty much the entire week to get somewhat on kilter again. Thanks, it didn't feel brave but apparently, it is! XD Scary and relieving- a perfect way to describe the session thus far. As of now, we're gonna do 2 sessions a month- she's very hard to get scheduled due to her being a professor and all. Gotta work around her teaching. Also, it's really draining to our resources to go as often as I see my psych. My psych works late, but this lady's latest is five. Which is bad considering my spouse-type-person must make arrangements due to having a standard work day. It takes an hour or so to get up there, too. Very inconvenient- but whatever. Kinda went on about that, apologies.

I wonder how she saw him... I wonder if those mask breaks were noted...? I'm really worried, Wize. The typical thing how narcs do therapy that we talked about above. I'm really worried that he's gonna manipulate this one, too. Been having some PTSD and elevated anxiety due to these things. The "good Christian boy/nice guy" mask is so thick and practiced. I NEVER see that mask outside of therapy- not used towards others, usually. From what I have seen anyway. I've noted an increase in his frustration since this last session. When I reflect back on what happened, I feel like I was defending my castle walls. Like someone decided to launch a surprise attack on my city. It really feels like I did battle or something. The next session is gonna be me, then him, and then a couples session. But things are variable is what she said.

Y'know... she's from a local area that I kind of loathe- where I grew up. I get freaked out because of all the flying monkeys that have said and done abusive things along with the abusers themselves. I have this almost radial PTSD with people or the area I'm in. Since I still kinda live there. I'm worried she'll be a gullible flying monkey that turns evil. I know it sounds completely off the wall, but after dealing with so many narcs it's hard to trust anyone. Especially since therapists have been used as tools in manipulation on me before. I do see better boundaries in her than other people, though. But, it's still really disconcerting.

Heck, I'm all paranoid of even making friends with people around here due to running into another narc friendship/relationship. Social circles also overlap and it's just trashy. I really identified with your feed posts and what you've posted in your journal. I keep telling myself that I have the tools to walk away from that kind of dynamic if I find myself in it. ....but when you see the narc fallout when you choose to cut them out- it makes it very frightening and risky. When the typical thing of dropping a friend or something... is just not speaking to them and this understanding of growing apart. Y'know...not flaming the other person. X_X; After all the bullying and smear campaigns against me, I dunno... I want to make friends- but the risk vs reward of it seems challenging and almost one-sided. I know good people exist out there, and it's not totally your fault if you get caught in that dynamic again because old programs are being persistent. Knowing is half the battle, y'know. That's what I gotta tell myself before I try again in the friendship pool thing. XD Hope you find some comfort, as well. I think you're very deserving of healthy friendships! I hope you find your Wize tribe one day. <3

Oh! One thing I wanted to mention is that I briefly mentioned the sand tray thing. I don't believe you are in therapy, correct? I try not to assume everyone is, anyway. XD Mostly, they are used for children...but I tend to be a big kid. Sandtrays are pretty much self-explanatory. A box filled with sand. The bottom is usually painted sky blue or some kind of blue which represents the subconscious. The therapist usually has some toys to play with that represent different things, and even the sand and how you move the sand or what not are used for analysis. One of the other reasons why I'm attracted to it this time is that it can get past the usual forwardly conscious defenses and such. E.G. Masks.

For example, I saw the sand tray and asked to play with it after the session. She let me do so and I was digging around in it like a cat. Leaving large holes in the sand where you could see the blue. Whereas, my spouse would CLEANLY rake his hands over the top and smooth over the blue areas so all areas were equal. I told this to my psych and he basically said that my spouse had vividly demonstrated his need to cover up all and any links or hint of the subconscious. Whereas I was open to it and did so with a child-like curiosity. Paraphrasing, but I'm sure you get the gist of it.

Well, this went on. XD Thanks for reading this, and just being you.

When I said I was afraid of making friends "here"- I meant my current area. Not 7cups. Actually feel safe in the "7cups here".

@wizeakre

IKR! There's so much to do. We're a gamer household, so it's kinda interesting watching each other play because we'd discover areas the other didn't even know about. We'd exchange info and map locations but not enough to spoil or anything. So many shrines! X_X; I've by no means finished the game, but I feel satisfied and still have more to go back to. And yeah, the personalization is pretty sweet. <3 I love the desert area and it's inhabitants. Sometimes I throw out a "Vasaaq!" out. XD It just might take years to finish that game at that pace... but if you really wanna- make some time for yourself. From what your journal read like, sounds like you're trying to be Superwoman to your family. Then again, it's your life- you do what feels right.

Yesterday, it was really bad. Already my anxiety is heightened from that nasty stuff I mentioned- but then as if narcissists can smell they decide to strike to make things even more chaotic. Had a mindgame/mental assault RIGHT before my session that was completely nonsensical. X_X; The session was focused on repairing and aftercare of it. However, I did manage to get out my concerns that I spoke of on here. My psych said that my teenage self is coming up in this kind of anarchist way. I used to be locked into that mind-game stuff but now it's like I just want to flip over a table and light it on fire. The table being the BS I'm dealing with. It's no longer "Pigeon=crazy. That's why this is happening." So progress of sorts!

I look forward to reading your diary, very insightful. Always interesting to see how others have dealt or their thoughts on those situations considering how they came from the trench in the NPD Wars of Everyday Life. Ah! I forgot to mention this, I thought ahead about it and one of the things I discussed in regards to the marriage counseling was that my psych was gonna give them a heads up about the situation. That it was abusive/high conflict. My intentions, also. How I'm doing this to learn, and don't really expect or see any change from my husband. The one I'm seeing right now, I've spoken with directly and arranged things. Made sure to point out that he was gonna do something like this... During the session, she was pretty good about not asking really chaos creating questions towards me. So that was good. But I can't help but feel creeped out that after I mentioned all that she still thinks "we have something". O_________O;

Oh! And in regards to discussing directly the NPD thing... what I've learned over the years is not to diagnose directly. My psych will use key terms like narcissistic abuse/bubble/injury/etc. when I speak of my experiences from the past and in dealing with husband and others. I've asked him directly if suspects something as much- but he's not saying either way. Just that he'd have to see more of him. HOWEVER. I've found that there's a pretty damn strong chance he does. The trick to this is that a lot of folks who do get abused by these people focus on diagnosing, pointing fingers... and they don't get out of that stage and just freaking obsess over blame. Then they never focus on their OWN self-care or mental health. Their own personal power and getting past it... Have seen so many people get absolutely corrupted by that. I don't blame them because it is freakin' wrong and quite insane what these people will do to another. At the same time, you've gotta break that cycle. It's really hard...

I'm sorry you had to deal with that, too. Funny thing is, this here's a small town as well. Pretty much what you said with no ties to the past and everything- that's almost exactly my situation. The bullying/rejection, that too. I'd go to school to get bullied by "good Christian boys" then come home and get bullied by my sleazy mom and drug dealing father. It's horrible. In a city you kind of lose yourself- but with places like around here people have absolutely nothing better to do. I haven't spoken to my family in over 10 years. They don't even know I'm married, where I live. And yeah- flying monkeys would easily betray that info. All I need is my mother showing up drunk and screaming on the lawn about how she misses me. X_X; It's good to have some solidarity with this- since a lot of people don't really understand it. Wish it wouldn't have happened to either of us or anyone who had to experience it.

I've gotta ask you, Wize. How do you handle going out into such an area? I'm slowly learning to simply go outside due to my social phobia/agoraphobia thing. But the pressing fear of being the town monster or my family finding me keeps me kinda locked up inside. I usually don't even do business in the area... I travel up north. I've also been afraid to work due to being bullied by my inlaws so much- they even tipped my family into finding me before I moved. Maybe it's simply necessity and the love of your children that gives you the power you need? I don't know, but I'd appreciate your thoughts on this. I know I've gotta conquer this dragony stuff before I can be on my own.

@wizeakre

Video games are my self-care, too. XD The problem is, I tend to go overboard and space out while playing them if I do it too much. If I'm depressed it's especially bad. Can practically marathon a game in a week or two. All about balance. I'm glad you're taking the time for yourself. You deserve it!

RE:the last question thing. I'm really sorry for imposing that upon you and misunderstanding. I miss when I was still living on my own. I want to go back to that someday.

After marriage, we moved to another town but the cost of living was very high and then we ended up with these frat party neighbors who bullied me- severe bullying. They had serious unaddressed alcoholism/mental health problems. I get afraid that that will happen again. However, I believe trashy people can't be everywhere all the time- so eventually I'll find a place to call home that's safe from misery. My industry of choice is far away from where I live now- so it's guaranteed I'll be moving out of here in at least a couple years or so. I'm looking forward to the change, but there's no special secret, I guess... just gotta work through the anxiety/phobia consistently.

Gotta keep positive!

I wanted to take the time and make a post that reflects upon gratitude and some of the other thoughts swimming around in my head.

I'm really thankful to all the people I've met here and who have bravely given me their insight in a considerate manner. To the people that simply tell their story and finally unleash that burden, even somewhat. And to the people/entities who've helped me along throughout the years no matter how big or small the kindness may seem in the eyes of others. I have a lot to be thankful for.

A lot of progress has been made. Still, it continues. I don't want another seven years of this no-win situation! I don't intend to. There are times when I have to remember the amount of time I've been here. It's hard... I tend to disassociate so much. To hide and stagnate. But I think I'm finally "getting sick" of all this sedentary, draining lifestyle. I want to thrive! Not simply survive and keep hoping for better days. I want the better days, already!

It feels like there's still so much to learn. About coping, healthy boundaries, what a healthy relationship or communication style looks like... So many things. I need to be able to face my fears. To sit with them while not being overcome. In my social anxiety/phobia context- not something like a relationship. After this relationship is over, I plan on taking my time to simply explore aspects of myself and see what the world has to offer. Not to mention creating and fostering my prosperity. I miss having my own money. I look forward to creating a sizeable savings. To one day have the library I dream of. A place to call my own.

Been thinking about some other things, as well. Am I too opinionated, loud, obnoxious or something? I'm very socially awkward still. I wish my psychologist could see my IRL dealings sometimes and I could get a straight opinion on it. There's so much I don't know. I feel like I complain too much and people have said so. To be honest, I've had a really rough life and have been around constant complainers... so I wouldn't doubt the truth in that. lol On the flipside, I've had people tell me they like when I'm depressed better than when I'm happy. X_X; WTF. Those people need to f*** off. The reason why I'm thinking about such teenage things is because I want to be more socially available. It can be very hard to make friends sometimes...like I creep them out or something- get overly excited someone wants to deal with me. Kinda pathetic. Self-confidence is a long road, it seems. These insecurities and negative programs perpetuate things.

I'm going to make the most of seeking a healthier life. Actively! My turn is here, it would seem.

@wizeakre

WIZE! O_O

I was so worried! Your diary threads disappeared and your account was all weird. Did you go on a self-care break? I hope everything is okay and you're feeling better if so.

Thanks. I'm trying to be more positive lately and show gratitude. Think those cheesily positive things on my feed are finally reaching past my inner critic. Sending some positivity your way! Hope to keep continuing on the good path. :) Hope you're doing well.

@wizeakre

It's fine! I was just worried something really catastrophic happened. Glad your okay and your self-care break served you well. I might've not seen it anyway since I took a few days off myself but didn't officially click the thing on here. It's cool.

Interesting. Yeah, wake-up call things are fun at pointing out what's going on- but then we get the fun decision of what the heck to do with it. A very sobering time. I trust your judgment on things, whatever you decide.

I wish the diaries on here were locked sections like on some other communities. Or that the DV/Trauma or certain communities could opt in for a private locked threads section. On other places it's kinda like that. Anyway, I can totally see where you're coming from. I consider doing that on certain days... especially about overanalyzing what I wrote/said! It's very relatable for me! You come across as pretty mature and level-headed. Sometimes others on here seem to have it so together, but then I see the check-ins or something and remember that we're all just human. Different circumstances and what not. My inner critic doesn't seem to care, though. X_X; However, that voice is starting to get smaller and maybe turning into static one day.

If you're an odd bird, then we're in good company! XD I'm glad you're feeling better.

BTW, welcome back! lol Took this long to say it. XD

@wizeakre

NP! And try not to worry about that, because I totally didn't see it as drama barf. I asked you and you were polite enough to indulge me about it. It's fine. And I certainly don't mind if you speak your mind or feelings in this space when it's relevant to you(even if it's random). You didn't upset me in the least! I welcome sharing thoughts on here.

And yeah, I was kinda shocked because the only community I had been on that had that kind of security was specifically for trauma/DID stuff. A lot of other places like this tend to treat the PSTD/DID/Trauma stuff as an add-on. But I think it deserves it's own protection- just like with abuse stuff in general. Since it could be very difficult for the posters if they got found out. I think I remember someone asking in one of those communities about specifically deleting posts- but there is what you said and it could also be used to flame or abuse and then wipe the evidence of that. I try not to post a long comment in my feed, because I feel like I've offended people on there with maybe like...I dunno, tryin' to be too "in-group" or something. Urgh, or forgetting words and it comes off weird or offensive. X_X;

Thanks! I'll be posting stuff later probably. Sending some love and positivity your way as well <3. I'll definitely think of you while I'm there and remember to just state my feelings and truths. Was gonna make a pro/con list for this therapist- which I might do later...but this is gonna be an interesting ride! I've gotta get ready for it soon since it's an early appointment. 'Til then! Take care and have a good day.

Well, it was a rough session. Felt like I stumbled a lot. But I finally managed to out with things even though they were all over the freakin' place. I explained how I was scared of the whole thing with the flying monkeys, the masks and manipulation, what I've observed, and the things I struggle with.

OMFG. I can't even...

Was really afraid, but dayum she is good. She's really uh, forward and open about a lot of stuff. She thinks I could really fit in up there. That people aren't the freakin' out screaming bloody murder types here that are affiliated with my spirituality. Was encouraged to do a Meetup, but I'm at a point where I can't even leave the house on my own. Man, I covered so much but it was like a clipshow episode from a series. Chopped and kinda mangled but it covered things... stupid clipshow episodes. XD

Well, here's her thoughts on this.

1. I probably won't be able to get over much while I'm the situation and the area. She said it was like my energy was "compressed", if you believe in the fruity stuff like I do. Made certain to mention I need to gain my independence, etc. Felt a little frustrated because I'm working on that, but at the same time... I dunno. This pace. I'm like a baby. Which leads to...

2. I am still essentially in that child/baby part of myself and that is how my dear Puer is getting to me. O_O; I mean, this was an eye opener, but it makes sense and I swear I've heard this before. She starkly noted how badly I disassociate while I'm around him. I can be an adult(present) self when it's just me. He literally walks into the room and I start to space. Keeping in the adult brain- pre-frontal cortex, I believe instead of being back in the emotional/empathetic/trauma center of my brain is of massive importance. In fact, I've been wondering how to get out of that funk. I fear for driving the way I am right now, and I barely can do schoolwork as it is. This is gonna take some doing. I need to feel more. Gonna start exercising more, doing more, embracing art more...

3. I need to envision my future. Where I want to be. I can visualize all I want, but I need to create it artistically and keep it around. Or I can use a color that represents it. Bright red. HOWEVER! I am going to embrace art and attempt to use ink painting to make it. I'll also write up a description on exactly how I see it.

4. So, I'm encouraged to do something that can help my independence as an assignment. She brought up surveys and freelance work, which I'm now signed up for and gonna attempt and stow some cash away in an online account. I tried writing but I take too long. Maybe once I figure out my writing groove I can try it again. I'll sign up for another place I found through Penny Hoarder if I don't qualify for anything else. I'm gonna do this.

And there it is. She was very supportive, even said that she can support me as a secondary therapist. When we called in Puer for the scheduling I noticed she was staring at me, because I could freakin' FEEL myself go into that disassociation. On the way back I tried to go into my adult mode and sustain it. My disassociation is like a flickering light in some dank old cabin somewhere. It's so bad. I'm just so glad she understood. She gave me good tips and pushes me more than my psych, but...I think I kinda need this.

Thanks for being there in spirit, @wizeakre! I came out alive and with some mozzarella sticks. XD <3

Additionally, I learned that the EMDR I was doing was actually... doing something. C_C; I know it was, I felt it. But I got a more accurate explanation. That certain chemicals were being released while the brain was processing. So this rush of chemicals happens, a release. Holy crap. I just...seriously. It's like I'm waking up and learning new stuff. A lot of people don't really give EMDR credit but now there's beginning to be more and more empirical evidence. If I do too many reputations I get this odd, drunk feeling pretty hard. I'm learning to up my tolerance so I can process more, but you also have to keep in mind your limits.

@wizeakre

TY! <3 I'm glad it helps.

It took awhile to be okay with stating things like how I feel or see things. Typically, those things were punished and not very convenient to the people in my life. Some stuff is straight up scary or uncomfortable to face directly. But that's kinda what coping and learning about this is all about. To be able to sit with that stuff a bit easier when it does happen, all the while preserving ourselves and healthy boundaries.

I really like her, but I'm still wondering about stuff. As per the post below... however, I can say with certainty that I've gained great insight from her. Think I still have a lot to learn from her despite her sometimes unsupportive views. It's pretty cool to hear from you that I'm making progress! It's really hard to see from the inside at times. There's a constant push to get out of this quick-like and BLAHshouldbeworkingandonmyownalready kinda thoughts. Those things do no good. *throws things at inner critic*

Been thinking about that session Thursday.

*sighs* I think my psych is way more mature than my secondary counselor type person. There's a lot of good that came from those sessions already. I've learned so much. However, I find myself a bit irked at the fact she tried to very stupidly convince me that making the call and getting carted off to a DV shelter is no different than me going to therapy up there. "You put on your clothes, you get ready, you go out the door.." and such things like that! It was actually pretty insulting. I have VERY mixed feelings right now.

She also said that I wouldn't be able to grow out of this situation if I stay- which I don't intend to. But this is two things. 1. Demeaning and minimizing my psych's hard work, which I AM growing and seeing results from. 2. She keeps on wanting to cart me out of this situation despite my f***ing disassociation that's really bad and HELLO agora-freakin'-phobia/social anxiety.

I just...ugh. Some people try to "help" or "fix" things like this by what I call "shoving you through a tube". It means that they're trying to apply the same circumstance and methods of getting out of the situation or coping with the situation that is pretty much a standard. Our growth and healing journeys are all VERY different. I felt like I was back at some stupid forum where they just typed in one-word sentences about people's situations. "RUN" "LEAVE" "RUN AWAY". Then when you did mention divorce or leaving they would freak out. It's like WTF people.

After thinking about it, and pondering stuff a bit more. I do like how I gained further realization about matters from her. However, I just feel she's not very mature... at times narcissistic? For instance, she kept reminding me how wonderful it was for me to pay this fee she lowered for me and kept on reminding me about payment when I've paid directly each time. Last time, she told me about how it was her birthday the next day and kept on gloating about how young she looked and she keeps things simple. I...don't know what to think... I also dislike how she rolls her eyes about Christians. Christians have given me trouble before, but Christianity is just as valid as other things. I dunno... I'm not Christian, but it still bothers me see such immaturity.

I arrived where I began. Very mixed feelings about this...

@wizeakre

So it seems!

The black and white thinking is a pain in the ass. As you said, we've been conditioned to gaslight ourselves and essentially put our own thoughts or feelings in the backseat- IN our thoughts no less. I feel like with narcissistic abusers they hate when their little toys get angry or have feelings. I remember seeing the most reaction from such people when I was angry- they then tried to outlaw anger(which is justified and totally our right to feel) and emotion in general. People have remarked it's like a poison. It very much is.

I still struggle with the gaslighting pretty bad... dunno. I got pretty peeved today and went through that gaslighting thing, but then I just said f*** it, I have a right to be angry and if when I cool down I'm over it. Fine! If not, that's fine, too. Sorry if I'm rambling. Is it me or do we both apologize a lot? I got people playfully telling me to quit it. Tryin' to replace it with "Thank you" instead, but old habits die hard.

My psych is working with me to be more emotional which is a total trip. OMFG I have to feel things and I'm SUPPOSED to? Not to mention doing so in an environment that isn't exactly conducive to growth. That's been pretty scary to deal with, but it's REALLY weird when I tell him how I got angry or stood up for myself when pissed and he's proud. O_O; I mean, like he wouldn't do that if I acted violently or something outrageous, but yeah.

I still have a tendency to want to do the flight/avoid thing still, but my damn inner teenager's so pissed she's kickin' up this odd mental substance known as courage. I wish my teenager would kick my disassociation's ass so I could focus and not fall back into my child brain. Maybe she will? Anyway, I hope to be mature and keep up the learning despite people's "quirks" shall we say. <3 I hope one of these days you have a journal on here or they have locked threads so it's more secure for you. I miss reading your stuff. BTW, congrats on your son's liking of vegetables. XD It was a cute, loving family scene.

LOL That kinda was rambly. Sorry about that, Wize.

To feel more emotion, rather. Wish there was an edit option. X_X;

@wizeakre

LOL Apologycannons, ahoy! XD

Yeah, I remember how long some of your posts were. People would still respond, and you'd get input. I do admit having to go back and reread them because my attention span is pretty bad + disassociation. Heck, I have to do that with some of my own writing/posts. It's hard to connect with simple words like text speak stuff.

The training takes a lot to dislodge. And then apologizing like you said for pulling away. You said it perfectly. Why should I apologize to the knife that just cut me? I can't think very much right now and I don't have my glasses on. XD Was gonna apologize again. X_X;

Hey, it's cool! You used it right. X_X; is for when you feel sick, frustrated, facepalm, or things get too much, and stressed. Well, there's other meanings, too. Make it your own! <3

XD is my go to classic. It's like a crazy kind of face with a huge smile and eyes closed. For when I'm being silly, nonsensical, sometimes sarcastic, and the like.

O_O; Giant eyes. Shocked. Staring. Disbelief.

C_C; Kinda like looking away, or something... also nervousness.

e_e; An eyeroll or eyeroll inducing kinda thing. The semi-colons represent cartoon sweatdrops.

@wizeakre

O_O; Feel like Gimo here does a good job, too!

@wizeakre

And for C_C;

Gimo's got that nailed, too. ...uh? Maybe it's just O_O; over again...?

@wizeakre

Gimo is one of those internet cats. Mine are not really fluffy. I also have two fur children. A couple boys from different mums. The older one has a stalky kind of build and is white. The younger one has the figure of a big jungle cat. He looks like a panther and has similar poses and movements. He's gotten so giant. 19 lbs! But he's not even that overweight- he's just huge. O_O; I love him and he's very cuddly but it's like a sack of potatoes has come to take a nap on me when I'm sleeping. His older brother weighs less, but it looks so different on his frame. He's also pretty aloof and not so touchy-feely as Mr. Pantheryboo. He has a good hunter's instinct and brings toys every so often. Sometimes I wake up with three kitty toys near my bed. XD