My past, and how it has scarred me forever.
Hey, my name is Alex and i am 16 years old. Im going to try to keep this short and sweet, if i can even finish writing this without deleting it and starting again.
When i was 6, my parents split, no big deal, except that i had hatred at my dad for abandoning me. I was left with my three brothers and my 'mom'. Fast forward till it started getting bad, i was 12/ and id been dealing with my mom being drunk every night and embarrassing me when i had friends over because she couldnt even walk. It got to the point that she hit me once, and im sure i deserved it, although i cant rmember because she gave me a bloody nose, black eyes, and i blacked out. We talked about it after and said it would not happen. And it didnt, for a while. She met this asshole named Mike, aka my step dad. you know those poeple who act good in front of others but end up being bad when noone is looking? I know one time, he held me up against the wall, and lifted me by my neck, and choked me while my mom was to drunk to care. and he spanked me when i was 14, with his bare hands, and he would pull my pants and boxers down. anyways. besideds that incident, one night, he and my mom were teaming up against me, so i took my moms ohone and a pen; for safety. He chased after me, and i was just trying to call my aunt to get me. So he tackles me to the ground, and holds me in a choke hold until the police come. Guess who goes to jail for 4 nights? Me, thats right, me. and well, now he is gone, but my mom is even worse with drinking and now she does pot. But theres more. My older brother, one night, decided i was asleep, so he snuck onto my bed, and pulled my pants down, he touched me, and then turned me over and tried doing other things. i was too scared to move, so i had to stay away, and wonder what was gioing to happen by the second. I told my mom, and she said it was normal for a teenage boy to experiment, so i said okay. I ended up tell ing one of the consolers at this residental facility i got admitted to after attempting suicide. So CPS got involved, and now my whole family gives me guilt and are like why did you say anything and all that. Almost done venting haha. I forgive my brother, and im still scared to sleep in the same house. I dont know what causes my anxiety, but i cant even go to school, walk on the street, or anything! Im with my real dad now, and its alot better, but my anxiety is soo bad and i still self harm every day. Plaease, someone help before i end my life forever. I dont want to.
You are so strong that you've made it so far. You can get through this. I believe in you. By reading that just look at how far you've come. In a few more years you'll be a legal adult and can show them up that you can make it still. Show them that they can't break you. By hurting yourself and letting them get to you you're letting them get what hey want.
And just think how when you're older and you'll be so glad that you stayed. I've been in your spot. I'm still recovering a bit. The thing that gets me through it is that I know no matter how many people hate there will always be more who care for you and would die for you. If you can't think of anyone I'll tell you right now, I care and I will do anything I can to make sure you're still here to live a wonderful life that I know you can.
Please stay
You don't know what causes your anxiety?! You've been through some pretty traumatic events! Of course you have anxiety! It's your brain's natural responseafter being treated so harshly over the years. You will need a professional counselor to help walk you through the steps to recovery and help you ease out of this flight or fight mode your brain has switched on. Talking to someone is imperative! I'm not surprised that you're self harming. You're hurting so much inside and that hurt is building a pressure under your skin. Talking to someone will help you deal with these feelings.
I'm very glad you're with your dad now and that things are better, but just because your present is better doesn't mean your past will now suddenly leave you alone.You need closure in order to move forward.Please talk to a professional about your past, about your anxiety, and your self harm.
I know it doesn't feel like it now, but it will be okay. And you have gone through so much up until this point. When I was feeling helpless and hopeless and I just wanted to end it, what I would tell myself to encourage me to keep trying was that I owed it to myself. I made it this far, I survived what was done to me, how can I give up now when there's a possibility of something better? And there is always a possibility. Even for you. You just have to hang in there until it makes sense.
Please talk to someone. I promise you, what you're feeling is understandable, but it doesn't have to be your reality. Please.
Thank you, i realize that if ivemade it this far, i might as well keep going :) I have been through 4 therapists, and they did the same thing: how are you today, tell me your problems, and good bye! I even had a therapist who instead of helping, just threw a football with me, and we didnt even talk haha- he was getting paid for free. and as for phyciatrists, i went through two, and they literlyjust said "depression"? okay, here take these pills. and if they didnt work? oh, here yah go, try different ones. and i seriously took 14 different kinds withingtwo months. i really dont know what to do, but im just trying to keep on living the best i can.:/
Unfortunately you're going to find therapists that are less than ideal. It's what makes me want to go into Psychology, to be the counselor that so many people need but no one can find. Just keep your head up, and keep trying. And you know what, if you can't find a good counselor, become your own. Talk to yourself in third person. It sounds crazy but it's what I've done to make it in between acceptable therapists.
You are a strong person and I know you're going to make it through this. You just have to make that decision to stick it through until the end. You have to make the decision to become the fighter and not the victim. Once you choose to fight, your own perspective changes.
Just keep reaching out to people when you need them and don't be afraid to ask for help. Even if that person you're asking is yourself. You are your best supporter. I truly believe that.