My Diary
I am writing this just to see if I can make any sense of my life. So, if you are reading this, just remember it is just some random stuff from me trying to piece my life back together. You may just want to ignore it, that is okay. It may contain abuse, bullying, self harm, and other things that may be triggering.
The Things They Called Me and Said To Me
(This may contain a bit of foul language. You have been warned)
Slut
Scarred
Freak
Useless
Idiot
B*tch
Whore
Worthless
"I wish you were dead"
"I pity your family, having to deal with a burden like you".
Hideous
"No body likes you."
"They only hang out with you, because they feel bad for you."
"No wonder your family hates you."
"You can't do anything right!"
"Wonder how much she had to pay them to be her 'friends'?"
"Why don't you go kill yourself?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------These things along with a bunch of other things have been said to me not only by bullys, but also by my family.
@aiko123
That sounds horrible having people say those things to you, and I'm so sorry you've had to live with people around you treating you that way. I can understand needing to express all of that and just put out in the open all of the violent words that have been directed at you.
I agree with frigidstars. I really cannot fathom how anyone could talk to that way to another person. :(
I am so tired. Sick of it all. Tired of hiding. I want to fight back, but they are attacking from all sides. The demons that live in my mind. The people around me. It keeps getting worse. They give me false hope. "Get help, it is the only way". I can't even do that. No way to get help. Drowning in sorrow. Still the mask stays.
Light has abandoned us. The darkness has reclaimed my once happy family. It has turned us against one another. They all turned on me. They take their anger out on me. With every wound, every word, the darkness starts to take me. I am, always was, and forever will be like the sponge that soaks up all of their rage.
@aiko123 I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this. I understand what you're going through. I used to hear allmost all of the same things from my family. You feel as though you've become the focus of all their rage and hatred. How alone and lost you feel. One minute they say one thing - but seconds later they take it all away by saying something the exact opposite. It makes you wonder what it is you may have done or didn't do. It's not fair. It's not fair that you have to deal with this and be treated this way. I'm sorry I don't have any thing helpful for you - just - you are not alone. There are others who have gone through similar things. It's not much - I'm sorry - but it does help to know you aren't alone.
@aiko123
It's so difficult. I'm dealing with a lot of family stuff right now too. Except it's not that they hate me but that they are hate each other. Isn't family supposed to be on the same side? It is tearing me apart
Art has become the only source of light in my life now. The only place I can feel safe. Only place I can express what is inside. The things that I keep from leaking out of the cracks in my mask. I want to put some pictures on here if I can figure out how. They won't be pretty, but they will be a way to express my self, outside of songwriting, poems, and piano.
@aiko123
I'd love to see your artwork! I use imgur to host images and set them to hidden, then post the image links. There are other image hosting sites, though.
Do you draw masks? I collect masks and often feature them in my drawings - that metaphor is cathartic. I'll post some of those drawings soon. Perhaps we can find some solace in one another's art. <3
Cracked
(Chorus) Darkness, Darkness, Darkness, Darkness
(Song) It's all I know
These memories of a happy child. Faded
Oh, now their faded
A little piece of me gone away
The darkness has become all I know (darkness)
I try to hide. I try to be strong. I can't do this anymore. Oh
The things I keep inside
Leaking, oh, leaking, through the cracks in the mask
This reality of a broken life, is all I know
Faded, oh Faded
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This is a song I have been working on. Nothing on it is finalized. I just felt the need to put it here. If I decide to sing it, and figure out how to put it here I will. Anyway, bye carbon-based lifeforms.
NOTICE
I ask that all of my poems, songs, or stories that may be posted here, remain here. Ask my permission before reposting them ANYWHERE!! To make sure I am heard on this, I ask that yall tell me or comment somewhere that someone has reposted it. Thank you for your time!
@aiko123
Heh. This is a good precaution. When posting artwork (or any creative work) here, anyone can come take it and copyright infringment on the internet is horrendous. For that reason, I won't put up anything that looks 'too professional' (mostly), especially anonymously.
NOTICE
I ask that all of my poems, songs, or stories that may be posted here, remain here. Ask my permission before reposting them ANYWHERE!! To make sure I am heard on this, I ask that yall tell me or comment somewhere that someone has reposted it. Thank you for your time! 😁
Here is one of my drawings.