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My Diary

aiko123 October 6th, 2019

I am writing this just to see if I can make any sense of my life. So, if you are reading this, just remember it is just some random stuff from me trying to piece my life back together. You may just want to ignore it, that is okay. It may contain abuse, bullying, self harm, and other things that may be triggering.

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aiko123 OP October 6th, 2019

Alone

Broken

Useless

Secrets

Empty

aiko123 OP October 6th, 2019

The Things They Called Me and Said To Me

(This may contain a bit of foul language. You have been warned)

Slut

Scarred

Freak

Useless

Idiot

B*tch

Whore

Worthless

"I wish you were dead"

"I pity your family, having to deal with a burden like you".

Hideous

"No body likes you."

"They only hang out with you, because they feel bad for you."

"No wonder your family hates you."

"You can't do anything right!"

"Wonder how much she had to pay them to be her 'friends'?"

"Why don't you go kill yourself?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------These things along with a bunch of other things have been said to me not only by bullys, but also by my family.

1 reply
frigidstars27 October 7th, 2019

@aiko123

That sounds horrible having people say those things to you, and I'm so sorry you've had to live with people around you treating you that way. I can understand needing to express all of that and just put out in the open all of the violent words that have been directed at you.

1 reply
calypteanna October 11th, 2019

I agree with frigidstars. I really cannot fathom how anyone could talk to that way to another person. :(

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faithfulPal707 October 6th, 2019

@aiko123 I really hope that you can make some sense of it, when you do can you let me know how you did it please, am a little unsure myself right now, i used to have such drive and determination now i want to sleep all day

1 reply
aiko123 OP October 6th, 2019

@faithfulPal707 Thanks. I will be sure to let you know.

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aiko123 OP October 8th, 2019

I am so tired. Sick of it all. Tired of hiding. I want to fight back, but they are attacking from all sides. The demons that live in my mind. The people around me. It keeps getting worse. They give me false hope. "Get help, it is the only way". I can't even do that. No way to get help. Drowning in sorrow. Still the mask stays.

aiko123 OP October 8th, 2019

Light has abandoned us. The darkness has reclaimed my once happy family. It has turned us against one another. They all turned on me. They take their anger out on me. With every wound, every word, the darkness starts to take me. I am, always was, and forever will be like the sponge that soaks up all of their rage.

2 replies
mytwistedsoul October 8th, 2019

@aiko123 I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this. I understand what you're going through. I used to hear allmost all of the same things from my family. You feel as though you've become the focus of all their rage and hatred. How alone and lost you feel. One minute they say one thing - but seconds later they take it all away by saying something the exact opposite. It makes you wonder what it is you may have done or didn't do. It's not fair. It's not fair that you have to deal with this and be treated this way. I'm sorry I don't have any thing helpful for you - just - you are not alone. There are others who have gone through similar things. It's not much - I'm sorry - but it does help to know you aren't alone.

1 reply
aiko123 OP October 9th, 2019

@mytwistedsoul

There is no reason for you to be sorry. You are right though. It does feel a little bit better to know we are not alone. What a bittersweet thing it is. Thank you for taking the time and thought to tell me this.

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pioneeringPrune7965 November 21st, 2019

@aiko123

It's so difficult. I'm dealing with a lot of family stuff right now too. Except it's not that they hate me but that they are hate each other. Isn't family supposed to be on the same side? It is tearing me apart

1 reply
aiko123 OP November 22nd, 2019

@pioneeringPrune7965

I am truely sorry about your current family issues. Family can be confusing sometimes. It really is difficult.

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aiko123 OP October 9th, 2019

Art has become the only source of light in my life now. The only place I can feel safe. Only place I can express what is inside. The things that I keep from leaking out of the cracks in my mask. I want to put some pictures on here if I can figure out how. They won't be pretty, but they will be a way to express my self, outside of songwriting, poems, and piano.

1 reply
calypteanna October 11th, 2019

@aiko123

I'd love to see your artwork! I use imgur to host images and set them to hidden, then post the image links. There are other image hosting sites, though.

Do you draw masks? I collect masks and often feature them in my drawings - that metaphor is cathartic. I'll post some of those drawings soon. Perhaps we can find some solace in one another's art. <3

1 reply
aiko123 OP November 21st, 2019

@calypteanna

I do very much love to draw masks!!

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aiko123 OP October 11th, 2019

Cracked

(Chorus) Darkness, Darkness, Darkness, Darkness

(Song) It's all I know

These memories of a happy child. Faded

Oh, now their faded

A little piece of me gone away

The darkness has become all I know (darkness)

I try to hide. I try to be strong. I can't do this anymore. Oh

The things I keep inside

Leaking, oh, leaking, through the cracks in the mask

This reality of a broken life, is all I know

Faded, oh Faded

-------------------------------------------------------------------

This is a song I have been working on. Nothing on it is finalized. I just felt the need to put it here. If I decide to sing it, and figure out how to put it here I will. Anyway, bye carbon-based lifeforms.

aiko123 OP October 11th, 2019

NOTICE

I ask that all of my poems, songs, or stories that may be posted here, remain here. Ask my permission before reposting them ANYWHERE!! To make sure I am heard on this, I ask that yall tell me or comment somewhere that someone has reposted it. Thank you for your time!

1 reply
calypteanna October 11th, 2019

@aiko123

Heh. This is a good precaution. When posting artwork (or any creative work) here, anyone can come take it and copyright infringment on the internet is horrendous. For that reason, I won't put up anything that looks 'too professional' (mostly), especially anonymously.

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aiko123 OP October 11th, 2019

NOTICE

I ask that all of my poems, songs, or stories that may be posted here, remain here. Ask my permission before reposting them ANYWHERE!! To make sure I am heard on this, I ask that yall tell me or comment somewhere that someone has reposted it. Thank you for your time! 😁

aiko123 OP October 14th, 2019

Here is one of my drawings.

2 replies
pioneeringPrune7965 December 14th, 2019

@aiko123

Hugs

1 reply
aiko123 OP December 15th, 2019

@pioneeringPrune7965

*returns hugs*

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