Merry Christmas

It was Christmas day 2017, I got a sewing machine and was so zazzed about it. I heard him getting frusterated with her. I, knowing what was coming put in head phones to block out him. Over my sewing machine and my headphone his voice rose. He continued for what seemed like hours with the constant screaming. I jumped up from my desk, slipped on my flip flops and threw open the door, they only thing i had was my phone and my clothes on my back. I tried to leave, but to go i have to pass them. He wasnt upset with me, i was safe. Until he stops me and tells me i can't go and that I always pick her side. That i always treat him like the monster. He IS the monster. Her face red and tear stained, he called her names I wouldn't dare repeat due to respect for the readers of this post.

I blow up. I become the monster.

And for a moment, in his eyes, I see fear. He realises the monster he has built. All i know is this. I have never had a chance to become anything but what showed me.

I tell him that he acts like a toddler, I tell him that "if this is what dads were supposed to be like then why do I have nightterrors and none of my friends do?" "If this is normal than why am i the only kid i know who is afraid to go home?"

I confront all the questions i've been stockpiling since birth.

But really, I don't remember any of it. She told me about it later.

I storm out, into the cold night, 33 degrees outside, I go sit on the side of the house. I call friends and none of them pick up. I call her and she tells me to come back inside.

He wants to talk to me.

I refuse, i know what is coming, Her car pulls around a picks me up. She looks afraid of me.

I hate that she is afraid of me.

He kicked me out, told me not to come home, that i'm an "Ungreatful b***** who deserves to freeze" I stayed with a family friend.

But in the middle of the night I snuck back, We didn't speak for weeks. He apoligised and promised not to blow up anymore.

He promised me. (Spoiler alert: He lied)

Its been a year since the incident, nothings changed.

I don't honesly think i'll every escape, i'm trapped.