Is it a trauma or not? To me, it kinda feels
I don't know what exactly to count as 'trauma' besides bullying because that was something that I can say the word and everyone will say "yes, that can hurt". Everything else is.. 'you're just too sensitive'. I'm in therapy and I am constantly questioning if I'm even worth of being there. Not only over this but everything.
I remember good points in childhood. But also remember points where I was scared and unsure. One moment my dad was amazing and friendly, the other if I did something wrong even if small - it was things thrown all over the house, my room turned upside down, things thrown against me, shouting, names. And then an apology and back to friendly funny dad. Where my mother was in all this? I don't know, when my dad got angry she didn't make it better. She'd trembling telling him to calm down or even shout "calm down" which made it worse. I'd just sit quiet and take it, say "sorry", do what I was told. But he was friendly otherwise, so no one said a thing - probably only my neighbor actually knew because she heard the shouting.
I started to obsessively check if everything was safe. Sometimes if I felt a knot in my stomach half hour before my parents were due to get home, I'd go frentically around the house, checking if nothing was out of place. I was 12 and symmetrically organizing things on desk or making kitchen clean, not because I was told to.. but to avoid making him angry. He never hit me.. too hard. I just felt something on my left cheek wow I guess those are the 'body memories'?
But he apologized. After all years, after me having break downs, him founding out about self-harm, etc he one day sat down and said "I was trying to control my anger when you were growing up on my own, and sometimes didn't work out, I'm sorry". I know how hard it's for him to admit he's wrong or apologize. The resentment is wrong but.. I don't know, I guess I still have that thing in my mind that says "what if he snaps one day like before" even if he hasn't. So I'm still careful.
I'm blabbing now. The bullying was verbal, physical and.. sexual harrasment? I'm still not sure. I've tried asking people "can it count as sexual harrasment" probably a couple times online, but no answer is good. I feel disgusting, that's for sure. Couple years after bullying, my classmates in new school noticed I'd flinch whenever someone touched me and I didn't realize. One day I had an anger outburst and shouted at my friends, when they hugged my from behind and touched my neck, I stormed out in tears. I was panicking and didn't want to shout, but did. All because was something they did in middle school, during bullying - hit me on back of my neck, specially after some lady at school warned them that's a dangerous area.
I really feel I'll never be able to feel close to someone, specially as a romantic relationship. I don't trust guys, I don't trust men. I want to, but have little evidence so far. And someone touching me, freaks me out. I also feel I am overreacting over something SO small. I'm here complaining while someone out there is having a really rough life and keep it to themselves. Well, I only complain anonymously or in therapy. I can't ever admit these things outloud to anyone, specially not in real life.
Umm guess this will be a good place to share? These thoughts have been coming back at night. Had one or two flashbacks in past months. Hadn't experience flashbacks in a long long time. That way they're released, out there - somewhere- and out of my mind. Oh well, i'mma end it for now.