Imaginatively named diary
Of all the words, theres lots of them
The worst word I could name
In all the English language
Without a doubt its shame
It ties you down, it suffocates
It clips your wings of flight
It sucks the air right out your lungs
And robs the room of light
And worst of all, it wont let go
It digs its claws in you
It seeps into your every thought
And everything you do
And even though I hear it said
Its not my shame to hold
It feels like so much part of me
Its mine until Im old
I wish that as a child Id not
Accepted it as me
I wish Id fought, I wish Id won
I wish I could be free
My souls gouged out, my insides bare
I may look real but no ones there
Im hollowed out, an empty shell
Ive entered to my private hell
A little girl, too scared to dream
I hear it now, my silent scream
I wasted my power by whispering that word
Should have screamed ‘NO until I was heard
Should have spoke out, should have had pride
Not locked down the truth for years inside
I could have had rights, I could have been free
Not wasted those years, pathetic young me
Locked it away, my freedom deferred
I should have been brave and made myself heard
@BestIcanbe
Thats about sums it all up so beautifully
as an adult this is so easy to think
for a time its the only thing you can think
But it is not true
A child is never to blame
Not for what happens to her
not for being afraid to speak up
Everything they do is designed to keep the child quiet
The game is rigged, it is not the childs fault
I know this, but a part of me is still like that poem
It does grow smaler though
The silence in my head is deafening
The words get stuck within my throat
So much to say, to scream, to cry for,
But they are thoughts I cant emote
How does a child describe emotions
Feelings they cant comprehend
Actions others do to hurt them
Fear and pain that have no end
And so those feelings rot inside me
Fester, mould, pollute, decay
They taint my soul, my very being
Filth and shame I cant convey
And here I am, now grown and adult
But still those feelings sit with me
They weigh me down, my heart so heavy
Im trapped by shame, locked up, not free
Do I want to hear your voice
Hear what you have to say
I fear that your pain will kill me
And take the me I know away
I lived my life so well without you
I wish youd stayed stuck in the past
Kept all that filth and shame inside you
Not made it mine, a wound so vast
I want to put the lid back on you
Keep you quiet, not hear your screams
I live in fear that you will break me
You steal my hope, my peace, my dreams
So go away my inner child
I dont want you with all your pain
I got on great when I ignored you
I want to be myself again
@BestIcanbe
Did you write this? :o
@WaterLily16
I did. You write poetry too dont you? I seem to recall reading some of yours in the past. It helps me to find the words I struggle to express verbally.
@BestIcanbe
You're amazing!! <3 I love the way you write. It's so powerful, the words so poignant! You have such a beautiful gift!
@BestIcanbe
I do write, but nothing like you! It takes quite a bit for me to produce a piece of poetry, but to you it seems to come naturally, and it flows. Truly amazing!
I can read the sorrow and the pain in your words though, and it makes me sad that you feel this way. But you have a beautiful outlet, something others can relate to and find peace in somehow. I know I do. So thank you for sharing <3
@WaterLily16
Thank you for reading and making some sense of it. I must search out some of your poetry. It must have been powerful for me to remember you wrote too, so I think youre probably doing yourself an injustice right? Mine is purely word vomit, but I figure its better polluting the page than my head, so it keeps on coming!
@BestIcanbe This is really painful. I can't write so well, I am not very good with words. But I made this a while ago and it describes the same pain. I hope you don't mind me posting it here.
@nolongerafraid
Oh my, thats a very scary image isnt it? Whats it made from? Sand? Fabric?
@BestIcanbe
It's horrific. And Kite's response is not making it any easier.
Anyways, I don't think I can explain how I made this, I am not sure. It's mostly digital.
@nolongerafraid
Im sorry. I hope this isnt triggering you. Its just a way I found to express myself, and it actually seems to be working. I was looking back on my poetry, and my thoughts are shifting, with new found compassion to the little girl that lived through this. When we still suffer as adults, with all the additional skills and rationale we have, imagine how pained we must have been as children. I see that in your art.
@BestIcanbe
That is awesome Best. I am too getting more compassionate, so yes it does work.
This poem in combination with the response were very overwhelming, I cried all day and that does never happen. I have stayed away from your poetry because it comes awfully close to my hidden pains and it catches me off guard.
That is not your fault and it is not mine. You're right, the pain our littles have suffered is so immense that even now as an adult it is still too much. And this is only a part.
I did do something good too though, I realized I need my mind out of trauma once and a while. There is so much more to me than just trauma. I have build a great life that I should not sabotage or abandon to try and save those lost me's. I think I was doing that because I felt guilty that I have a good life.
I am still figuring out how to do things. And some times are easier than others.
You are doung amazing, you are totally awesome 💖
@BestIcanbe
I just want to say thank you for all your poetry
thank you for being able to express the things I feel but dont know how to
For making beauty out of the bad
And im so sorry for all the pain and shame in your life
@LoveFromSara
Im saddened to read you feel these things too Sara. Im hoping the writing will help me voice emotions Ive chosen to avoid for so very long. I hope it doesnt hurt you in the process. Please take good care of you x
@BestIcanbe
Dont worry about that Best,
Im glad you are voicing your emotions
you are making something beautiful out that what is not
Maybe I didnt shout loudly enough
Or be clear with the words that I said
Maybe I gave a whispered response
Or spoke quietly in my own head
Maybe my wishes just didnt count
But instead just the needs of another
Maybe he thought I was his to be used
The privilege of being big brother
Maybe I thought this was what loves about
And liked that he cared about me
Maybe I just did what I was told
And accepted its all meant to be
Or maybe he raped me, abused me and hurt
Maybe his actions appall
Maybe its him that should be ashamed
Its maybe not my fault at all
Will you trust me inner child, Im here to heal not hurt
Youve spent too long down in this hole, just staring at the dirt
I know that you felt all alone, no-one to hear your pain
Im here and Im listening now, and wont leave you again
Tell me how life was for you, how I can help you now
Let me lift that burden off, well muddle through somehow
Fuck off you bitch, you left me here!
Nowhere to feel secure
With not a thought for what I face
And all that I endure.
You think that youre all adult now
With wisdom and a heart
So tell me, why abandon me?
And keep us far apart.
What is it now, dont like the truth?
To feel unloved is hard
But youre the one who left me here
Hurt, abused and scarred.
So fuck off now, leave me alone!
I cant help you to mend
After what youve done to me
Youll never be my friend.
You cut me off for all this time
You make me want to hurl
Im not a slut, a slag, a whore
But just a little girl.
Nobody heard the scream
Does that mean it didnt happen
Or just no one was listening?
Nobody saw the pain
Does that mean it wasnt there
Or just no one was looking?
Nobody saw beyond the mask
Does that mean all was well
Or just no one cared?
The worthless child,
heard by no one,
seen by no one,
cared for by no one .
Just a nobody in no ones world
