Imaginatively named diary

@agreeableKite4304

Lets hope shes in a playful mood eh?

Beautifully put Kite ❤️

@agreeableKite4304

H old

O n

P ain

E nds

❤️

@BestIcanbe

That so true ❤❤❤

Pain doesnt going away by pushing it aside, unfortunately it has to felt and processed and made peace in order for it to stop hurting so much❤

@indigoBeing9907

Don't I know it! I pushed it aside for more years than I care to mention, but it doesnt go away. But all that anguish and tears, pain and fears, its better out than in!

@BestIcanbe

Yes, yes it is and takes bravery to do that, well done you!!!

Pain burried deep just festers and causes more pain.

And im so glad you are taking this step for you and little you because neither of you deserve to be in pain ❤

@agreeableKite4304

Maybe one day. Im working on it.

Thanks for the nudge.

@agreeableKite4304

I held her tight today, and she howled with the pain and injustice of it. The loneliness, the sadness, the fear, the hurt, it

@agreeableKite4304

Time will tell eh? Still struggling to connect with that bratty inner child!

@agreeableKite4304

Poor me, poor me, pour me a drink

Poor dad, cos all

@agreeableKite4304

You make it sound so simple. It ought to be. And yet I cant do it. All I have are my stupid mixed up rhymes, and they piss me off more than help me now. Theyre just relentlessly shit, Im relentlessly boring, life is relentless.

@agreeableKite4304

Im so afraid of falling, and failing 😔

@agreeableKite4304

Oh God, Im never going to get this right am I?

Im just scared how much hurt shes going to cause.

@agreeableKite4304

Thats proving very hard right now. I thought there was something about me I could love, but when I reflect on how I got here, when I stop burying the truth, Im just a cold bitch who asked for it. I wish it were different. But I honestly think I have a lot to answer for, and a string of positive affirmations does nothing to change that.

@agreeableKite4304

You really like to complicate things don

@agreeableKite4304

@LoveFromSara

Thank you both for your kind words. Im an adult now, but I abandoned that child for many, many years. No kindness, no comfort, no understanding. I wonder how she survived. I feel awful when I think how much she must have hurt, but I just locked her out. Its odd thinking of myself in these two ways, child and adult. I know Im one and the same. But she didnt have my coping skills, she had no means of escape. She was the one suffering. Its very hard to accept how callous I was to her needs.

@agreeableKite4304

That little girl so needing care, despite her pleas theres no one there.

Shes cast aside, shes spent and used. Her only worth, to be abused.

Her soul gouged out, brought to her knees

In need of help, but no one sees.

@BestIcanbe

I see too, she is not alone

And she got more to her than being abused

Her soul is not empty

She got a beautiful heart, strength and courage

She got friends in here

She is not alone

My souls gouged out, my insides bare

I may look real but no ones there

Im hollowed out, an empty shell

Ive entered to my private hell

A little girl, too scared to dream

I hear it now, my silent scream

I wasted my power by whispering that word

Should have screamed ‘NO until I was heard

Should have spoke out, should have had pride

Not locked down the truth for years inside

I could have had rights, I could have been free

Not wasted those years, pathetic young me

Locked it away, my freedom deferred

I should have been brave and made myself heard

@BestIcanbe

Thats about sums it all up so beautifully

as an adult this is so easy to think

for a time its the only thing you can think

But it is not true

A child is never to blame

Not for what happens to her

not for being afraid to speak up

Everything they do is designed to keep the child quiet

The game is rigged, it is not the childs fault

I know this, but a part of me is still like that poem

It does grow smaler though

@wizeakre

Maybe poetry is a way of airing it, but Id like to wave it goodbye, not just give it day release :)

The silence in my head is deafening
The words get stuck within my throat
So much to say, to scream, to cry for,
But they are thoughts I cant emote

How does a child describe emotions
Feelings they cant comprehend
Actions others do to hurt them
Fear and pain that have no end

And so those feelings rot inside me
Fester, mould, pollute, decay
They taint my soul, my very being
Filth and shame I cant convey

And here I am, now grown and adult
But still those feelings sit with me
They weigh me down, my heart so heavy
Im trapped by shame, locked up, not free

@wizeakre

Thank you for such a thoughtful response. I see you so often on the forums, and I hope you recognise the power and comfort your words hold. Youre a diamond Wiz ❤️💎

Forgiveness isnt easy is it? But lack of it anchors me to the past. I know I have to let go. Its knowing how to that Im struggling to figure out.

@wizeakre

Yes, being in control is really important to me too, which is why the influence of the little me, who I dont really recognise or understand, is so unwelcome. But, Im trying to give her a voice, though at times I just want to stuff her back down never to be heard again. Pffft, Ive no idea what Im on about! Its been an emotional day, and I cant do justice to your message. But please know your thoughtfulness and words are so appreciated.

Do I want to hear your voice
Hear what you have to say
I fear that your pain will kill me
And take the me I know away

I lived my life so well without you
I wish youd stayed stuck in the past
Kept all that filth and shame inside you
Not made it mine, a wound so vast

I want to put the lid back on you
Keep you quiet, not hear your screams
I live in fear that you will break me
You steal my hope, my peace, my dreams

So go away my inner child
I dont want you with all your pain
I got on great when I ignored you
I want to be myself again

@BestIcanbe

Did you write this? :o

@WaterLily16

I did. You write poetry too dont you? I seem to recall reading some of yours in the past. It helps me to find the words I struggle to express verbally.

@BestIcanbe

You're amazing!! <3 I love the way you write. It's so powerful, the words so poignant! You have such a beautiful gift!

@BestIcanbe

I do write, but nothing like you! It takes quite a bit for me to produce a piece of poetry, but to you it seems to come naturally, and it flows. Truly amazing!

I can read the sorrow and the pain in your words though, and it makes me sad that you feel this way. But you have a beautiful outlet, something others can relate to and find peace in somehow. I know I do. So thank you for sharing <3

@WaterLily16

Thank you for reading and making some sense of it. I must search out some of your poetry. It must have been powerful for me to remember you wrote too, so I think youre probably doing yourself an injustice right? Mine is purely word vomit, but I figure its better polluting the page than my head, so it keeps on coming!

@BestIcanbe This is really painful. I can't write so well, I am not very good with words. But I made this a while ago and it describes the same pain. I hope you don't mind me posting it here.

@nolongerafraid

Oh my, thats a very scary image isnt it? Whats it made from? Sand? Fabric?

@BestIcanbe

It's horrific. And Kite's response is not making it any easier.

Anyways, I don't think I can explain how I made this, I am not sure. It's mostly digital.

@nolongerafraid

Im sorry. I hope this isnt triggering you. Its just a way I found to express myself, and it actually seems to be working. I was looking back on my poetry, and my thoughts are shifting, with new found compassion to the little girl that lived through this. When we still suffer as adults, with all the additional skills and rationale we have, imagine how pained we must have been as children. I see that in your art.

@BestIcanbe

That is awesome Best. I am too getting more compassionate, so yes it does work.

This poem in combination with the response were very overwhelming, I cried all day and that does never happen. I have stayed away from your poetry because it comes awfully close to my hidden pains and it catches me off guard.

That is not your fault and it is not mine. You're right, the pain our littles have suffered is so immense that even now as an adult it is still too much. And this is only a part.

I did do something good too though, I realized I need my mind out of trauma once and a while. There is so much more to me than just trauma. I have build a great life that I should not sabotage or abandon to try and save those lost me's. I think I was doing that because I felt guilty that I have a good life.

I am still figuring out how to do things. And some times are easier than others.

You are doung amazing, you are totally awesome 💖

@BestIcanbe

wonderful poetry

Thank you @conscientiousPineapple1782

❤️

@BestIcanbe

I just want to say thank you for all your poetry

thank you for being able to express the things I feel but dont know how to

For making beauty out of the bad

And im so sorry for all the pain and shame in your life

@LoveFromSara

Im saddened to read you feel these things too Sara. Im hoping the writing will help me voice emotions Ive chosen to avoid for so very long. I hope it doesnt hurt you in the process. Please take good care of you x

@BestIcanbe

Dont worry about that Best,

Im glad you are voicing your emotions

you are making something beautiful out that what is not