I feel unlovable
I got raped about 2 months ago, if was awful just like every person who goes through rape feels. I still feel his hands touching me, physically feel him touching me everywhere he touched me as if he is right here. I feel ashamed of myself, and disgusted in how I let it happen. I used to respect my body and never let anyone get close unless I liked them, but now I feel like I just don't care, as if why should I respect my body if he didn't and violated me that much.
Please tell me it is normal to feel as if I am diseased, have cancer and all sorts of rotten things in my uterus. I feel like I need to sew myself up, or just let people do things to me as they please. I feel unlovable. I had sex with my recent boyfriend two days ago, yesterday I told him he was the first person I'd had sex with since I got raped and then he left me. Every time I have sex, I seem to get emotionally destroyed. I trusted he wouldn't leave me and he would be there for me, and now he's left after me telling him, i feel as if i deserved it all.
@Emily67835
I am so so so sorry this happened to you!
What youre describing is something thats really common with sexual assault survivors. There's a lot of feeling disgusted like "My body is diseased / disgusting" or self-blaming "Maybe this is my fault that it happend" or "Maybe yeah I deserved it" or "Im unlovable and horrid and no one will ever like me" - all these thoughts are incredibly common.
And Im so sorry that your boyfriend left after you told him all of this. That doesn't help anything :(
You're not alone in this. Please please consider reaching out to a support group either online or in person, an also just venting to a listener.
There are so many people here for you.
<3
@Emily67835
I am so sorry that your boyfriend left you after you told him about what happened. However, as AdVictoriam wrote you, I definitely can confirm you that you are living very common feelings, unfortunately far too many people have these feelings on a daily basis, sometimes during years.
The good news is that nowadays there are also very good therapy techniques, like EMDR (you can google it), that can help A LOT to deal with your traumas and even to overcome them. Maybe you can get some information about these techniques and see what you can do?
In 7cups you probably can find some listeners who can listen to you, and also there are a few chatrooms (like survivorschat.com, for example) that are visited only by people who have gone through sexual assaults, incests etc. Maybe sharing there with people who all can understand you and what you are going through could be of great help, would you agree in any way with that thought?
I wish you the very best on your healing path, and I am sending you kindest thoughts from France.
Please take great and gentle care,
Gilles
@Gilles
Thank you, it's really kind of you supporting me because in real life I've had no one to talk to about it. Im glad it's normal but I get flash backs a lot still, I've been waiting for counselling for months and months and I'm just not getting it and I'm struggling to get the help I know I need. You're a good person and thank you Gilles 🙂
@Emily67835
Hi Emily that was not a supportive person if he ran instead of assisting you when you need it most. I was molested as a child multiple times and even now have difficulty dealing with relationships. Know that pain and anger and confusion are normal and that journaling feelings as they come up really help. Talking and therapy help as well. You are definitely not alone and not to blame and didnt deserve this. You are still the beautiful person you always were. What happened to you is over and it is good you are talking about it.
@Dancersoul
I'm sorry to hear it's happened to you, your experience sounds very hard to deal with. We need to get through this though because I refuse to let my rapist ruin my life! Thank you for your support it means so much to me
@Emily67835 Hey Emily we are so ,uch better than all of this. It made us stronger and more powerfull. We are supergirls !!!
Just because I'm a man, doesn't mean I cast be sexually assaulted! I was sexually assaulted when I was 12 by my moms boyfriend. I was in the shower and he walked in on me and started touching me. Then he continued to rape me even though I was trying to make him stop.
ITS NOT JUST THE GIRLS!!!!
I was raped when I was 3 years old and it has happened to me as an adult as well. Recovery is hard but possible and I just wanted to thank you for sharing and applaud you for being brave and speaking out about your experience.