I don't know what the title should be
I have selective mutism since I was 11. Before that, I could speak at school but at that time also, I was an introvert. Everybody thinks that I am rude/too shy/ mean/ have an attitude or stubborn to speak. They have been bullying me since then. Whenever teachers asked something, it made me freeze. In seventh grade, a teacher at school took advantage of the fact that I couldn't speak at school, but he didn't know that I can communicate quite perfectly at home and with those with whom I feel comfortable with. He abused me sexually and I found it really difficult to tell someone about it. When I was in eighth grade, I had anger issues, suicidal thoughts and difficulty concentrating, so I saw a therapist, but left it after a few sessions because she touched my hand once and it brought back the memories of the abuse. When someone touches me, even if it's a safe touch, it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable.
Once, I joined school three months later and I had to complete a lot of work. One of teachers gave me a whole lesson to complete and prepare in just two days and as I already had difficulty concentrating on things since the year I was abused, I was unable to complete my entire work of that particular subject in just 2 days. Also, I had other subjects to study too. He used to give me a death stare and say things like "why don't you quit studying", " Studying is not your thing, kid" And many other things. Even if I managed to complete the work sometimes, most of the time, I made many mistakes and when I used to complete the work without any mistake, he used to doubt and say "I can't bear any copying in my class! ", " I don't think you have done this work yourself ", " I would beat you up if you continue to annoy me". Since then, I am afraid of any teachers and my academic has been suffering and my grades have been falling. I feel anxious at the thought of going school. I feel like by getting bad grades, I'm disappointing my parents and teachers.
I hope it will end soon.
@royalicecream
What a dreadful situation you find yourself in, with no safe place at all in your life, and a hoping that the situation, somehow, will come to an end.
If you were to twist my arm for a suggestion, I would say that I hoped you will go back to the therapist who touched your hand, but first telling her (maybe by writing) that by doing that she made you feel uncomfortable - that will remind her to give you lotsof personal space, and she certainly won't feel any less of you for hearing that...
You see, at the moment you sound like, of the lot of them, you trust that therapist more than anyone, and you recognise that your fleeing from the sessions was due to your own understandable fears and memories, and nothing that she did to abuse you.
@royalicecream
Hi Royal, thanks for sharing with us. School can be especially stressful for survivors because they really try to make it the same for everyone, and the fact is that with what you've been through, it sounds like it's difficult to maintain the schedule that they demand of everyone. It sounds like you do not feel you have healed enough to do school the same way other people do, and teachers often take this as you actively trying to not meet their standards.
I used to also feel too anxious to go to school. High school really isn't build to handle individual differences, and definitely not mental health related differences. Is there anything you do like about school? Perhaps a specific subject or learning itself? Does anything interest you? Perhaps trying to focus on the positives will help you be able to get through it for now.
I know you mentioned counsellors, and that when they touched you it was not ok, and I think it's important that with counsellors you have to discuss your boundaries. You have had your trust violated by authority figures, so it makes sense that you'd be really upset when people do things without your consent, like touching you. Youa re allowed to assert your boundaries in therapy because it's supposed to be about you and your needs. You are allowed to tell them that you prefer to not be touched. You are not obligated to give a reason.
As a survivor myself, I can say that school was some of the hardest times of my life. It can make you feel incredibly isolated and alone, but I'm happy that for today's teens, sites like this exist. You are not alone anymore. If I could do it, you definitely can. I believe in you :)
