I DID it
Hi, Canvas here... well it's a bit more complicated than that actually. I am multiple so I have 12 parts/people that share my life/body/brain with me. It can get pretty chaotic at times, as you can imagine 12 people with different views, needs and tastes. I suppose I should introduce myselves.... Alex is 4 she mostly hides and is quiet but she does come out for the occasional game. Rosie is 5 and is now mostly integrated with Sarah who is 8, they are cheeky and hilarious, they love to play and are inherently kind and forgiving. Ellie is 10 she seems to be pretty angry about everything and I don't see her too much, Jess is 12, very girlie, loves pink and helps me out around the house, Ruth is 14 she is scared and stays inside but we are trying to help her talk more, Marcy is 15 and is starting integration with Charlie who is 19, Marcy is reserved, she loves adventure time and gothic things she is a deep thinker, Charlie loves the gothic grungy stuff too but she's pretty laid back and nothing bothers her so she tends to do the ‘adulting stuff for us. Mystery is 20 and integrated with me (Canvas - old lol) she was a feisty protector who gave people what for when it was needed, now she trusts me to protect us so we are together now, Frankie is 28 she is the cool cucumber to the outside world but she actually worries a lot about stuff. Then there is Vicky, I don't know her age but I think she was my first part she was the one who helped us get through the rituals and helps us fight the programs. If you want to read more about that then you can here: https://www.7cups.com/forum/TraumaticExperiencesCommunity_60/DissociationDID_919/Shareyourstory_50343/
I'd like to be pretty honest about life here and you are welcome to read along with me, I just hope that you don't find it too triggering a long the way 
Always things to do
I always had a million things to do. I had to get them all done before mum came home. I
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Hey there,
That indecision sounds like a completely reasonable reaction to what you went through. I hope you can have some compassion for it. Fear and physical pain fire the same parts of the brain explaining why that fear is so painful. I hope you can find some relief.
@LifeIsMyCanvas - Awesome post and really honest. You're absolutely right: it's ok for you to make your own decisions. It's ok to be the person who tells yourself that when no one else is saying that to you. It's ok for you to make choices in your time. Your frustration is almost tangible and I think it's great that you are expressing it. It's understandable that you feel that fear within you still; the knowledge that we are safe right now can be hard to grasp after having survived a life of trauma. Keep exploring these feelings and thoughts with love and patience. We are cheering you on.
Mindfulness, cleaning, and stuff
I have been working on a project to declutter my small apartment (my husband refers to it as ‘the shoe box). I actually learnt a lot about myself (and my parts) as well as how my environment affects my physical and mental health.
I wanted to learn about why I had each thing and how each thing felt. I thought about what I needed, what bought me comfort or joy and what was excess. As I went through each item I noticed a lot of feelings came up for me/my parts. For a person who has never been allowed to make their own decisions without fear it was quite overwhelming to begin with.
These are some of the things I noticed:
Because of dissociative amnesia, I found that I was relying on an object to prompt my memory, even if it was traumatic or unpleasant. Different parts had different attachments to objects.I had held onto things that I felt were mistake purchases to remind me to feel guilty and not do it again. My physical discomfort is less when I have more space to move and have less things to bump into. I also have less to put away and clean so my pain and energy levels fair better.Cleaning is less overwhelming, I can still do basic functioning even when I feel overwhelmed in another area of life/other parts are not feeling good.I had associated cleaning with my mum, as a lot of punishment involved excessive cleaning. I held onto precious things in fear they would be taken away from me, also because my mum had thrown away things that had been important to me.Things that I had kept the longest tended to be from the times in my life when my parts had split or something traumatic was happening. I had read in a trauma book that people with parts or trauma often get ‘stuck at specific points in their life and as such find it hard to transition their sense of identity. I used objects to help define my identity because I didnt have a lot else to draw from inside.As I made decisions on items I was more confident at making decisions and my self esteem increased. I defaulted less to critical thoughts and challenged myself to look at things differently.
I wanted a fresh start, to teach each part of me how to parent themselves by showing them how I could move on. I feel so much more able to be in the present without prompts to the past around me where ever I look. I also dont have the inner critic voice shouting at me, shaming me for a messy house. Its not perfect, still a lot to work on but its definitely more peaceful and enjoyable to ‘be.
@LifeIsMyCanvas .. wow .. your words are so strong and it speaks so loud ... :) my brave one :D
@LifeIsMyCanvas - Really great examples of self-awareness, self-compassion, and mindfulness. Congratulations on putting this list together as you continue your journey towards wellness. <3
Managing my pain levels, switching and depression
This is another cleaning related thing I have noticed but it is more to do with balance in my life too:Having a routine really helps, I get less overwhelmed because I know that on a Monday I just have to clean the kitchen not my whole house. It also helps me be less distracted by other areas/chores.Having a routine means that my other parts know what is expected of them each day so if they choose to be out at chores time they are agreeing to do them lol.Doing things in parallel, I have to stand in the kitchen whilst cooking so I might as well do the dishes as I go to save standing time later. This really helps me reduce my soreness to the minimum it has to be and to make time for rest and self care.Doing tasks in parallel really helps my energy levels, I can go spray my bathroom and let it soak while I am cooking dinner so afterwards all I have to do is rinse it off and scrub a few tough spots…the time the product sat on the surface took a lot of the elbow grease out of the task which is great when my back hurts.If I
Awesome @LifeIsMyCanvas
Taking some time out for self care today, sharing pages from my real life journal 
Well done sweetie.. self care is important indeed ! @LifeIsMyCanvas
A new way
I
@LifeIsMyCanvas - <3 I connect well with the realizations you made, especially in the last paragraph. It can be a shock when we realize we have been working so hard, and yet despite all of the management and survival, we realize we still forgot about our own self. I have had this moment of irony several times since first discovering it, and I am trying too, but it is easy to forget ourselves over and over again. Maybe it needs to be a habit. And this line -- "Because at some point I had believed that my life was on hold until I ‘got better and at this mythical point in time I could begin my life again." -- rang so true for me that it also gave me a shock. Perhaps I too have been living my life like it is 'on hold' while working through things... maybe it is worth it to give myself some priority. I think it is inspiring that you want to work on 'carving out my own way,' as you say and look forward to learning more from your sharing. thank you.
@LifeIsMyCanvas xoxo this is smart!
The new way
It's been about a week of setting myself a goal and doing my best to stick to it. I totally achived it yay, actually hit my goal twice and was able to do something nice for my hubby . It made me feel happy to spoil him a little as he is always looking after me and working hard at work.
Most people know that I am a survivor of mind control programming. In my search to understand what happened to me/us and how to heal, I read that building self esteem is the best tool to neutralise the programming. When I was a child I thought that the truth was enough, but it's more than that, it's the ability to live in the truth that is truely freeing. The more I build my self esteem the more I believe that I am able to live without the programming. It's hard to let go of something that is the only thing you've known, especailly when you don't have your own sense of self to measure your experiences/thoughts, emotions, and desires against. That to me is the truely evil part of programming, they stole me from me! Now we are taking our life together back, it is hard but it feels rewarding so we are going to keep going!
@LifeIsMyCanvas - "The more I build my self esteem the more I believe that I am able to live without the programming." That's so inspiring, thank you. I also hold Truth to me like a shield and a window, often neglect my own self-esteem issues and just present myself with facts and what knowledge I have, but I know I need to work on my own self-esteem too. ...I will keep at it... thanks again.
13
I found a new person, it's kinda scarey but at least some stuff is making sense. I can't help being concerned wth new parts. I mean I know that they were always there but they are new to me and to some of my other parts and I always wonder how they will get along down the road a bit. This one feels uncomfortable to me, I think she is a programmed part made to keep other parts in check. This one might be rocky 
@LifeIsMyCanvas.. 13 yikes.. Regardless of the challenges you have made it this far, so i know you are a fighter. :)
Hello. I was religiously and spiritually abused as well as all the other types of abuse too (sexual, physical, emotional/mental/verbal). There was also ritualized t*rture... I have parts/aspects too but they're more obscure like DDNOS. Support to you.
System updates:
13 is now called Holly because I refuse to use her trigger word that 'they' gave her.
I also have 2 new parts, well not new but newly found. One is a little boy who was called Bo as in bo hoo stop crying. He was created by 'them' to hold all the pain because boys don't cry. He doesn't cry but he does scream 24/7, so tired. I renamed Bo to Alfie after my adopted internet brother (love you Alfi). There is also a programmed part I'm calling Jane. She's kinda older maybe like 44. She keeps Alfie stuck and chained up so we don't like that too much. I bubbled her but she is causing issues. I think she makes me fall over a lot. Fell off the ladder Sunday, then down the stairs yesterday. We are considering our lock down options...
