I Am Alone (Journal)

There are at least four of us, who are active almost every day. There's Elliot, the host; East, the protector; Claren, a little; and me, Jax, whatever I am. Elliot doesn't talk to us, even though he talks to everyone else. East can be a little harsh sometimes. I like being around Claren, she's a little childish (her being a child and all) but she's a lot more mature and empathetic than she lets on.

None of the others know where I came from. I'm not a normal fictive... I didn't come from a character from a book. I'm more of... a patchwork kind of person. A combination of various characters from different stories that Elliot wrote (and never finished). I think that's why I'm having such a hard time remembering...

I'm remembering a lot of bad things. I think they're stronger memories, and that's why I keep getting flashbacks to those particular kind of things, but it hurts. It hurts to think I went through those things, without knowing if I ever had good days...

I didn't sleep. I couldn't. Everything is so much easier when no one's awake, no one's scaring me. I don't know these people! Well, I do... but I don't feel any of the emotions that come along with the numb memories. I feel guilty for feeling so scared, alone... I'm supposed to be the brave one. I should be able to handle anything! But for some reason, being forced to be around near-strangers all day, every day is just... scary, and awful, and lonely.

None of us want to stay here. We all want to leave and never look back. But we have nowhere to go, no one to support us, and not enough reasons (without telling people about us) to warrant our leaving in the first place. Sure, Elliot's family can be a little much, and can hurt our feelings sometimes, but as far as we know, they've never done anything aside from that.

I was alone. Stars, I was so alone—even when I was little, I was alone, and no one knew how much it hurt to be so freaking alone—

I remember meeting someone on accident, about three years ago. Their name was Lore.

Lore was important, critically important, to me. I don't remember how or why... but I do remember standing on the edge of a steep mountain cliff, facing south-west, and feeling an overwhelming emptiness inside of me.

Someone said something, commanding me, "Step away from the edge, Jax." I remember gripping my sword even more tightly, then screaming out my frustrations in a hoarse, broken voice. "Lore is gone!" I whipped around and brought my sword down on the person, but his sword met mine, and he was stronger. He shoved me to the ground.

I can feel it. The sun on my arms, the hurt in my voice, the tensing up before I struck—I don't know who Lore was beyond that and our first meeting, but I still feel like I've lost a significant part of myself.

I can't stop myself from doing it. I keep thinking of all the worst things in the world, and I think to myself: I could handle any of them. I want to try. But then I think of the one thing that I know I wouldn't be able to survive... and it makes me feel sick and lonely.

I can't handle death. I do this thing, where I think about someone important to me, and I determine whether or not I would be able to survive their death. If the answer is no... well. I can't help it, can I? I focus on all the things wrong with them, the things I hate, until I know that I wouldn't be gone if they left.

I didn't do that for Lore. That's the only wound that I wish I'd never gotten...

I don't know if I want to remember anymore... all I want is to get away. I can deal with anything. I can. But... it's hard. I'm supposed to know these people, to feel empathy for them and to trust them with anything. But because I don't, and they all expect me to... I feel like I keep messing up, I keep making things worse, and all I want is for someone to care about me for once. Not Elliot, not East, not Claren, not themselves, me. Stars, I just want to be touched.

How much inner pain can someone go through until they break? I will never give in, I will never break, but how much worse are things going to get before they get better?

I learned something... incredibly surprising. It turns out that East, the confident, sometimes rude protector—is a little. Not in the way that it's commonly used in terms of DID/OSDD, but the kind that's also called an "age regressor."

I have to say, I was very surprised when I connected the dots, and when East told me after I confronted them. But it does make sense...

I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing.

I'm not equipped for everyday life, I get scared easily (ha, and I'm supposed to be the brave one), and I'm not really helpful with anything. The only thing I'm good at that I can actually do without araising suspicion or breaking the law (no swordfighting, no running off on a solo trip, and nothing remotely exciting) is art, and I can't even do that too much because Elliot is awful at art and it would be weird if suddenly people noticed "his talent."

In short, I feel useless.

The others couldn't believe that I hadn't read a book in the four months of my existence, and insisted on it. But I'm not a very good reader, so they gave me a short one, maybe only two pages long, that Elliot had written.

I know he has a dark sense of beauty, but I don't think he could have predicted how much the story affected me. It was about the one thing I know I've said I can't handle... Obviously, I didn't say anything to him about it, but the feelings are still there.

I'm always cold. Even with a dozen layers, even outside, where it's always scorching.

Okay, that's a lie. I get hot too. But even when I'm hot, the inside of me will still be freezing.

I feel bursts of emotion. I'll be fine, just reading a book, when I'll break down crying. Then, not even a second later, I'll breath in and go back to being normal. I want to feel the emotions, all of them, for long enough to let them out... but I can't. I don't know how.

I'm not good. I'm not a good alter. I don't help anyone, I'm hurting them. I don't sleep. I don't eat. I don't remember. And I feel these emotions out of nowhere, and then I can't even remember why.

If I were the only one here... well. To put it neatly, it's a good thing that I'm only an alter, and that the others still take care of themselves and others.