Hope is that glimmer of light inside of a dark night
So starting fresh, emotions not where i want to be, still not anywhere near where I want to be at the moment, but I kinda miss having a safe place to rant and put my poetry up and even make silly posts. Doubt there will be silly posts anytime soon, but I hope in time. As my title says Hope is that glimmer of light inside of a dark night, that is what I've been trying hard to hold onto, that small glimmer of hope to get me through this, its been difficult, well more than difficult, I have struggled immensely to comprehend anything right now, struggling how I managed to get myself into this situation again. I have been so appreciative of the support I have had during this time. I am in no way near even being anywhere close to where I was just a week and a bit ago, I was so ready to end the chapter of my life where I get hurt, get my power taken away and lose my voice. But in a way I have been heard this time, there are those still taking my choices from me, like not being able to work right now, as frustrated as it makes me feel, as I am feeling and told I am in wrong well not in so many words but still, being told there is a risk if I return to work at this time. Not helpful. Hmm enough ranting about that. There is still physical pain to contend with on top of the emotional pain but somehow I am making it through. My sleep is better but worse if that makes sense, I am sleeping so much the past week but also its not good sleep. My PTSD has been at its height while awake, hypervigilance, flashbacks, irritability, the whole shebang as well as I think my depression is the worse its been in a long time, bad bad thoughts, but I keep on keeping on. Im holding onto the support and care I have recieved this time around. I'll start this new diary off with a poem, the same poem I posted in my feed, its not in anyway good or looking for light, but its a poem reflective of how I feel. I am going to try to stress less about being positive or healing quickly in this new thread. I need to take it one day at a time, well 1 second at a time at the moment, but I am still trying, I am still here so that counts I think. Can't remember what I called this poem?
Broken and vulnerable again,
Old known hurt and pain
New wounds on parts of my soul
A chill in my body from the cold and rain
That night replaying like a horror show
My voice and screams, an unheard no!
A shutting down to protect in ways
A deep upset and broken shame
A fight now taken from my heart
Another fear now of the dark
A chance taken on becoming normal
A stupid decision thats left me vulnerable
A fight I never had the chance to win
And being told it was my sin
So many bruises and cuts to heal
Too many emotions I can feel
A week now has almost passed,
I dont know how I managed to last,
Feels like im barely surviving,
While I randomly begin crying
A bad friend to those who care
A wanting to be able to share,
Scared of seeing others agree
With the thoughts I have of me
I will end this on the hope that one day and hopefully soon, that hope that I hold in my heart for things to be better, for things to stop being this bad, for just a tiny little break from all the bad.. I hope one day this will no longer just be a far fetched idea for myself but something I am able to live and feel the freedom of no longer being harmed or silenced.
Ok on my last reply I did say I would maybe stop typing for a little while because I'm scattered BUT I just wanted to put up a post to let everyone who has been here for me know that I appreciate you all so so so much, you are all here for me when I need it, when I don't think I deserve it and through all my ups and downs (mostly downs at this point) *disgruntled face* I can't really describe how it feels to know that there are people out in this world that actually genuinely care for me because its not something ive had before and yes I totally get scared sometimes and think I'm pushing people away but it's just old schemas I guess. This year has gone from bad to worse but ive had amazing kind people there to offer words of wisdom, offer safe hugs and just a place where I know without a doubt I'm safe and that just I can't put in enough words how much I appreciate it, I don't think I'd still be here and i mean here in like the fighting this part if it weren't for the support. So *big hugs* to everyone here you guys are truly awesome 💖
@calmLake1999
*hugs* (biiiiig ones) Love ya Calm 💖💖
Hmmm so now unable to sleep or rest at all, this excess energy been kinda a curse right now because I am overly exhausted, have been for the last few weeks and the past few days hit a brick wall but that energy I got from the anger and that feeling of injustice is gone with just this lingering idk what to even call it.. brain won't turn off, listening to every sound in this place and just idk trying to figure a way forward maybe I guess but still feel kinda stuck because I can't do the big move just yet,, hmm lots of pondering at 4 in the morning when I should be sleeping as back to work in 3 hours
Now I'm fully moved out of the place I was living before here, I feel empty, lost, my independence feels like it's gone... I just idk I didn't expect it to have this big an impact, moving all my furniture into storage and just realising that's it, not going back there, I mean there is a little relief because well it's been bad everywhere I've moved in the past few years.. always managed to be found maybe that's why I'm so apprehensive still and not feeling like this place is home.. I'm back here and I just gah I can't stop the emotions, I keep crying and just I don't know I do know this is a good thing it's just so overwhelming too and I'm hoping that this keeps me safe for now until the legal things are over... There is just so much involved and I wish more than anything I had a few weeks off work to recoup a little but that's not allowed so I just have to suck it up and continue working while being completely exhausted
@calmLake1999
Give yourself some time to settle in there, Calm... This isn't forever, you'll get a new home, a new safe home and there you'll feel really at home... For now, where you are now is the best place to be, you are safe there, and that's the most important right now... we're all here for you Calm *hugs* 💖 Love ya 💖
Hurting, lots and lots of hurting and fear and just exhaustion... Not much to say, feel silly and stupid and bad... Just wishing it go away already, just please need bad stuff stop now 😢
My Life has taken such a nose dive and I don't know how to stop it from crashing. I don't know how to stop me from crashing. The anger i experienced the other day id hoped was a turning point but I at the moment only feel lost, empty and so much freaking hurt. Trying to see the positives, wanting to take some time for me, a moment where I can feel ok, just a glimpse of the happiness that is lost, but I don't even know where to start.. I don't even see why I am worth or deserving of being safe and I don't feel safe, it's not even environmental I don't think. It's just me, Calm does not know how to feel safe in her own skin and this life that is hers.. I do not trust that I am meant to be safe because I can't feel it, I don't trust that I am good for anything and I just feel like an awful person almost constantly.. I feel like who I thought I might be is completely lost and I don't know how to find her.. Calm is feeling like an awful, selfish, broken person and just don't know how to make it better... The exhaustion is over powering now and the fight is barely anywhere to be found
I keep telling myself to just keep holding on, just a little longer, just a little tighter.. keep telling myself things will be ok, just doesn't feel like it.. how do I hold on when I feel like I have nothing to hold on to or for? How do I try believe things will be ok when they don't feel like they will ever be ok again?
Lots of darkness permeating this place
Just wanting or needing to somehow feel safe
A spiral or nose dive taking over my life
The craziness and overwhelming feelings are causing me strife
A pain and ache deep inside of my heart
Trying to find a different path,
A path without pain or hurting from others
A Life without a cruel and vindictive mother
This is my life and its all fallen to crap
I am so in need of more then just a nap
Please see,
See I am in pain,
Please see the fight I can't gain,
Please just notice that
I am so close to giving up
Please notice that
I have nothing left inside my cup
Please help me find a way
Please help me find a reason to stay
Please hold me and tell me it's okay
Please just let me cry if only for a day
The sadness and apathy are fighting a war
Inside my emotions are in turmoil
I don't see how I deserve more
I only see how much I recoil
Please please let this life get better
Please please let me find more than just shelter
@calmLake1999
I really just want to second Wize here... I'm not in true survival mode either, but I remember that feeling, I think I even switch into this mode every once in a while, or sometimes a few times a day... It is about hanging in there, about just keep going... For what and why, well, for whatever and cause of everything and nothing at all... Hope is this magical, mysterious thing, we sometimes have and sometimes loose, it's nothing graspable and it's absolutely subjective... and sometimes we have to just keep going, just because, until we find hope again... There are as many reasons for giving up as are for keep going, it's a decision... And for me it's sometimes just cause I want to see that one band once in my life or cause I want to see that one place, those are just some tiny things, but they keep me going, they keep me working on myself...
You're not alone Calm, we're all here for you, you're stuck with us now ;) I love ya Calm 💖 and I'll be here, no matter what....
Is it ok if I fall apart just a little? I've been trying to hold myself together and on the outside irl I've been showing this exterior of being fine, no one even realised how much I'm hurting and breaking inside... So am I allowed to just fall apart now? I'm hurting and tired of keeping this facade up. I'm tired of pretending to all so that they dont feel guilty or have ammunition to use against me, I'm tired of using bad self coping and then going into work and putting up this okish mask.. I just wanna cry and scream and sleep for days and not have to pretend anymore... Only place I ever be myself now is here, everywhere else I gotta pretend 😣😭
@calmLake1999
Yeah, feel free to fall apart here. It's your little place, after all, Calm. You soldier through so much stuff you def deserve a rest. And def to be yourself. I'm sorry things are like this. And I hope one day you can be in a safer place where you don't have to rely on that Sgt. Calm, a soldier of fortune kind of thing. You absolutely deserve to be yourself fearlessly. But I know how hard that sounds and it can be straight up impractical depending on who you're with- so you're doing what's best for you at the moment. Things are hard, but you can always come back here.
Sending much love to you from across the pond. Wishing the best for you and Jasper. <3
If they say
Who cares if one more light goes out?
In a sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone's time runs out?
If a moment is all we are
We're quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well I do
lyrics i feeling today, just hmm not much fight left in me.. late to therapy but thats cause i don't want to be here.. what's the point in continuing to talk wheb it doesn't get better?
@calmLake1999
Just in hating mood, therapy sucks, hate all the speaking always gotta speak about the tough stuff, don't want to! Kinda feeling childlike and therapist didn't let me dissociate through kept grounding me back.. session went longer than normal because I was pulling back from her but why do I have to speak about things... Just argh! I wanna retreat into myself because it's easier, I don't wanna feel anymore because it hurts too much, I don't wanna fight because I never win!!! I'm sorry 
I just realised I do have something small to be proud of myself for... Despite everything that's happening and all my hurt, I am still working full hours.. I guess I didn't see this before as something of an achievement or a pride thing because it's my normal routine, but even when I get knocked down I keep picking myself back up to be the best damn nurse i can, so maybe just maybe it's something I can be proud of for a little while as I get ready to head on in on no sleep again, lucky hyper calm is making her presence known 😂😝
@calmLake1999 i am the exact same way, calm. I work. Thats my
In a pondering, reflective mood.. just thinking how easy things change, how one violent act can strip me of my very fragile and delicate self worth, I must've had hope and belief in myself because I feel empty without it now.. that's not to say it won't come back because I will keep building on it, I do have resilience and this won't keep me down forever. I've made actual strides forward, whereas before id have stayed quiet and withdrawn completely, I didn't do that this time, I'm continuing to seek out help even when I want the therapist to stop making me talk, I still show up to each session and I haven't skipped out on the sessions either. I did avoid phone calls from her but I didn't completely withdraw.. maybe there is progress even if I cant see or feel it right now.. maybe I do have some belief in myself to overcome this..
I kinda want to talk about it now, I want to stop seeing it in my head and want to get it out of me.. that night has plagued my mind and dreams and has left me feeling so much fear and defeat.. the one time I try to put myself out there. Go out nd have a good time and it ended in this, though somehow in my gut I knew things weren't right before I went out, id just assumed it was my anxiety about trying to be a "normal" 20something year old.. because I've seen others do it, I've seen others go out and have fun and bad things don't happen..
That night, I dressed in my comfy sweatshirt and nice pair of jeans, put my hair up in double Dutch braids that connected into a bun, put a little bit of make-up on, I was nervous, apprehensive but also a little excited.. I put a post up here because I was hoping I'd have fun and could elaborate more later on.. I put an effort in and even got there early, sat in my car a little and listened to music.. first thing I did right that night was driving myself because that way I wouldn't drink, I never drink normally but had the added excuse of driving.. I even offered to drive a few coworkers home seeing as I wasn't going to drink and had my car.. though I didn't end up driving them home, tbh I don't even know if they realised I had left or not.. I became so anxious and frustrated when he arrived, if id known he would be there I wouldn't have gone out.. I became so uncomfortable as things were being said, implied and the touching... I got up and went out for some fresh air, stupid mistake on my behalf......
Trigger Warning
I was outside for a little then he came out, things just rapidly descended from there, he assaulted me even though I said no, even though I fought.. the more I fought the more violent he got, so I gave up, dissociated abit and just wished it over.... I picked myself up somehow, grabbed my bag and just drove myself home, I was so numb at first, don't think I even comprehended anything that happened.. I originally wasn't going to speak of it, was going to stay quiet, pretend it didn't happen.. but I was encouraged to go to the hospital and to speak to the police. Turned into one of the longest nights of my life, I hted every step of the process, the exam, the nurses knowing, speaking to the police.. the whole night just left me feeling completely defeated nd ashamed.. lucky me left the hospital with multiple bruises a concussion and a few cuts that would heal on their own, police saying id be ok, id done the right thing.. in that moment nothing felt ok or like the right thing..
I don't know if I should even be writing this right now or posting it on my diary but I need to get it out, I need to stop seeing it in my head and need to finally accept this is what happened and there is no changing it...
There is one more thing I'll add though which is directed at him.. I don't know how you think it is ok to do what you have done, I don't know how you justify it by saying I need to be put in my place, like wtf even is that supposed to mean? You may have taken my self worth that night and violently attacked me leaving me feeling like the only way out was to just not be here anymore but I am stronger than this, I will overcome this eventually while you will be in prison. I did not deserve any of the things you have done or said but you know what you are the one who doesn't matter, I do freaking matter, I matter to my pup and to some people and I have the resilience and courage to be a better person than you could ever be. I will not be defeated by your callous actions or words.
@calmLake1999
I'm so very proud of you for getting that off your chest *hugs* very well done... what I like the most is the last paragraph, oh yes, you won't let this defeat you, you aren't defeated! you're more than that, so so much more Calm... and we're all here for you, you don't have to go through this alone... *biggest hugs* 💖💖 naaah *more hugs* love ya Calm 💖
