Hope is that glimmer of light inside of a dark night
So starting fresh, emotions not where i want to be, still not anywhere near where I want to be at the moment, but I kinda miss having a safe place to rant and put my poetry up and even make silly posts. Doubt there will be silly posts anytime soon, but I hope in time. As my title says Hope is that glimmer of light inside of a dark night, that is what I've been trying hard to hold onto, that small glimmer of hope to get me through this, its been difficult, well more than difficult, I have struggled immensely to comprehend anything right now, struggling how I managed to get myself into this situation again. I have been so appreciative of the support I have had during this time. I am in no way near even being anywhere close to where I was just a week and a bit ago, I was so ready to end the chapter of my life where I get hurt, get my power taken away and lose my voice. But in a way I have been heard this time, there are those still taking my choices from me, like not being able to work right now, as frustrated as it makes me feel, as I am feeling and told I am in wrong well not in so many words but still, being told there is a risk if I return to work at this time. Not helpful. Hmm enough ranting about that. There is still physical pain to contend with on top of the emotional pain but somehow I am making it through. My sleep is better but worse if that makes sense, I am sleeping so much the past week but also its not good sleep. My PTSD has been at its height while awake, hypervigilance, flashbacks, irritability, the whole shebang as well as I think my depression is the worse its been in a long time, bad bad thoughts, but I keep on keeping on. Im holding onto the support and care I have recieved this time around. I'll start this new diary off with a poem, the same poem I posted in my feed, its not in anyway good or looking for light, but its a poem reflective of how I feel. I am going to try to stress less about being positive or healing quickly in this new thread. I need to take it one day at a time, well 1 second at a time at the moment, but I am still trying, I am still here so that counts I think. Can't remember what I called this poem?
Broken and vulnerable again,
Old known hurt and pain
New wounds on parts of my soul
A chill in my body from the cold and rain
That night replaying like a horror show
My voice and screams, an unheard no!
A shutting down to protect in ways
A deep upset and broken shame
A fight now taken from my heart
Another fear now of the dark
A chance taken on becoming normal
A stupid decision thats left me vulnerable
A fight I never had the chance to win
And being told it was my sin
So many bruises and cuts to heal
Too many emotions I can feel
A week now has almost passed,
I dont know how I managed to last,
Feels like im barely surviving,
While I randomly begin crying
A bad friend to those who care
A wanting to be able to share,
Scared of seeing others agree
With the thoughts I have of me
I will end this on the hope that one day and hopefully soon, that hope that I hold in my heart for things to be better, for things to stop being this bad, for just a tiny little break from all the bad.. I hope one day this will no longer just be a far fetched idea for myself but something I am able to live and feel the freedom of no longer being harmed or silenced.
I've just figured something really maybe odd or maybe even good about myself, well I walked into work today with everyone umming and ahhing over a situation. I kinda immediately took charge, was like well ok what is going on? I managed to instruct my co-workers on how to handle the paperwork and how to talk with certain people about this situation but became frustrated because they had let this thing become worse overnight because they didn't continue to observe properly.. then I became maybe too fierce in my approach, well it was about a resident who wasn't receiving the care they should, so I took charge, took on a superior and said what should be done not left any longer... I really am fiercely protective sometimes, I took charge and managed this situation all day monitoring so the resident was getting the proper care and the right support was put in place, but wow I didnt think I even had it in me anymore to take charge of a situation when work related because I've been talked down to and told that I don't give my best, but you know what I just realised no matter how I feel, I always manage to look after my residents and give them the best possible care and me they can have.. this was a spark of strength I needed, a bit of worth that I found inside of myself, I do matter in lives of people who are good and kind and who care about me.. despite the fact that I'm emotionally and physically drained from a huge week and have one more appointment soon before I can attempt to get some proper rest, I'm at this moment in time feeling kinda maybe a little proud of myself...
@calmLake1999
oh wow, Calm, that's amazing 
I knew you have that still in you! That's the strength we are all talking about all the time, the one we know you have... and there you go 
for your residents you find it... that was the best thing to read right after waking up... very well done Calm, really... love ya 💖 💖 💖
OMG I am so so stupid, my blatant disregard and ignoring, I did cause this.. I really am so stupid to think things wouldn't go this way.. I gotta stop and try to fix this before things go bad again. Why didn't I recognise this. I should have known better. 
Gonna do the only thing I can think of right now and run, Hide.. can't be here anymore not here as in cups buy here as in where I live.. need to be safe and that safety isn't here at all
Trying to nap in this new place that supposed to be home temporarily but I'm scared to close eyes and there are too many people about, don't know how I'll adjust, I feel so alone even though there are many people here, think my insomnia will be triggered to point of no control again, that's what feels like now, I made this decision to feel safe to be safe but I feel so so out of control, like my whole life is spinning out of my hands and there is no way to stop or slow the spinning🙁
@calmLake1999 sometimes you gotta go with the flow and roll with the punches. It all sucks for you right now i know. But u gotta see the rainbow in the fog. The end game. And utilize that no matter how much reality and yourself speak darkness. Its what i do to live another day. Live in the fantasy, and try your damnest to make it reality. Its all u can do. Try to think positive... no matter what. Thats the fuel to ur fire. To be happy and safe and live. Focus on it. No matter how wrong u tell urself it is. You can do it.
@calmLake1999
That's a lot of upheaval and discomfort to deal with. I'm so sorry, Calm. Sitting with you in spirit. *safe hugs* <3
It's pretty damn gutsy to do what you've done. To know that you needed shelter for your own safety and protection. Not sure if this is an option for you, but maybe you could speak with the staff about your insomnia/heightened state and lack of sleep in regards to all the people? Sounds like the place is pretty damn busy, unfortunately. Combined with how ramped up stuff must be right now. Then again, I wouldn't even want to speak to anyone.
This seems like a helluva step. Getting through this will get you closer to the safe home you desire. I have no doubt of that. Still. You're in my prayers, Calm. Sending you love, calm, and safety.
@CaloenasNicobarica
*safe hugs back* thank you Cal! It's All very overwhelming and gots to keep reminding myself why I doing it, I really just want get in my car and drive as far away as possible.. I haven't really said much to anyone here besides speaking when absolutely necessary, id prefer to just be quiet and hope I find somewhere else soon... I just gots to keep Jasper safe, I fear for him more than self is why I made decision and I want to be safe but don't like it here, its only temporary but scary still 😔
First night in this place. Scary as, don't want make a sound and being really quiet even Jasper is subdued, must be scary for him too, so many people around that he is resting in my bed not knowing what to do, I'm the same so maybe he picking up on me, doubt ill get any sleep at all tonight just no can't switch off... I really really don't want to hope that I'll be safe because I had thought that in past and been proven not to be, wonder am I just not meant to be.. thoughts continuously spiralling tonight cause new environment is scary, my whole life is just spinning dangerously out of control and i don't know how to make it stop, I try listening to what authorities and psychologists say but I don't think they get how dangerous she is to me, I lived with it for 23 years amd then broke rules by breaking free and speaking and I suffered punishment after punishment for it. I think even I underestimated her need to keep me quiet, this doesn't mean I back down I won't but gone into run and hide from her mode cause I have nothing left, I can't fight because I get consequence so I need to hide only way I maybe be safe.. I don't know I just know im really scared, lonely and just hating this all at moment feel like dark cloud is looming over me and don't know how to shake it... I'm sorry this went really dark 😢
Not really got sleep last night. Is hard to switch off in New environment and body/mind telling me to stay alert constantly.. I don't know what is scarier, being in this unknown environment and state, I don't know what comes next? Or being in old environment where it was scary as, and people knew where I was and I was at threat but it was familiar to me.. I just really really wish for a little break, a little stop to all this . I dont know if I deserve to ask for that when by breaking free I made the bad things happen, by ignoring, by speaking of things I inadvertently caused myself more troubles.. I just don't understand the reasoning to all this, I wish I could find a reason so I can out my mind at rest for a little bit
Maybe this is new start for Calm, maybe things meant to happen this way so calm be safe and be free, Calm too independent and stubborn before which gots Calm hurt cause she not ask for help keep safe.. Calm look at this as new start even though it's overwhelming and scary
@calmLake1999 good deal calm. Thats how to think about this all. Proud of ya.
@calmLake1999
*hugs* Calm 💖 well said 😊
@calmLake1999
Well said Calm... much love. x
I'm really really struggling to adjust or cope to everything that's happening... Today is a day that i just want to give up, it hurts too much, too much keeps happening and I feel like I'm drowning, I don't know how to keep doing this, I just really don't 
Searching the light!
@calmLake1999 @wizeakre @PerfectStorm426
I don't have to add anything, just you guys are awesome and I f*** love ya 
@courteousNorth5140😎👍🏻👍🏻. U too Northy
@courteousNorth5140
Love you 2 North, but hmm I so not awesome
@calmLake1999
yes you are, don't you argue with me 
Hmmm so seems I found my anger after all, it's kinda giving me some strength I guess because I've been in a full *!@# it mood! I guess it's just cause everything is starting to catch up to me and I'm just realising that this whole situation is so freaking unfair! Ok I'm sounding like a whiny teen but I'm just argh! Just really in quite an angry, stuff it all mood.. but I guess also it's helped me be more assertive with people at work tonight to, seriously had to just tell someone to back off as she was second guessing every move I make at work tonight and I'm just gah i know my job, I've been working here for 3 years and I am kinda confident in my ability to care and look after my residents as well as do EVERYTHING by the damn book!!! Jeez ok sorry yep I'm just angry at everything... Ohhh and what else is while I'm doing TWO peoples Jobs tonight without even being asked just assumed to do it (kinda think management might be trying to trip me up which won't happen I am really pedantic about doing everything properly) plus I won't finish here til midnight and have to be back for a 7am start so yeah ok thanks guys for really having my back and looking after me...
On another note I totally love my shoes tonight I bought a new pair of semi boot's for work which kinda maybe just doubled with my f*!@ it attitude has given me a false sense of idk confidence or just this aur of seriously don't mess with me... Ok not sure if that's true or just grumpy/cranky Calm coming out...
Damn there was something else I wanted to mention, oooh that's right I have a serious bout of hyper/angry energy going on literally can't sit still for 5 minutes, might be combination of energy drink, coffee and cough medicine, because I've had a seriously bad cough and flu going on (yay me and yay for flu season here) >.< *insert disgruntled face* because seriously what Calm needs right now is to be overwhelmed, exhausted and sick on top of dealing with this situation... Does things really get better? Because seriously this freaking year things have just gone from bad to worse, I'm so so so angry that I have to deal with this crap all over again. I so thought that being an adult and being free would mean I wouldn't be assaulted in that way again and then speak out for him to come back while he's on bail, like wtf is wrong with people and why the hell do I have to have someone hate me so much that she just wants me to continue being hurt this way all because I want to break free from her vicious cycle of abuse! It is just gahhhh 😣 kinda want to just scream out right now, like seriously I need a break from all of this!!!! Ok end rant.. helped a little to type that but still it's just feels like a never-ending cycle at this moment
@calmLake1999
oh hell, I just love that 
I could totally imagine you typing on your phone like a maniac meant in a completely positive non-offensive way... well, I guess there's a huge discussion about anger going on, so I have no idea, is it any kind of global movement? didn't hit me yet... gonna wait a while til it comes to europe perhaps... sooo, you have every right to be angry and I'm going to tell you the same as I told Cal, your anger might be the sign of a turning point, a sign of progress, being angry somehow sound like the next step... it's like seeing that all this shit happening is just unfair... so you just have to use this anger in a positive productive way, channel at into sth positive, use it for saying 'No, I won't take this shit any longer!' like you did today with your colleague with telling her to back off (congratulations on that btw )
and that's another diary entry you gotta save and read again later.... oh and yay! on new shoes, sometimes sth tiny like that can just make your day
Love ya Calm 💖 try to get some rest tonight...
@courteousNorth5140 i agree!! Wit everythin u said.
@calmLake1999 this is so kinda weird right now. Usually I am the one that has had anger inside allot of the time and u guys were bein the opposite. Now i feel spooky and panicky with lil anger and u guys wanna talk shop. Lol. What u feel is rightfully so, u should feel that anger. The good kind of anger that fuels u and moves you, that convinces yourself that it was not u, it was the others. Very valuable emotion. And u seem to be utilizing it very effectively. Trusting it and yourself. Very cool. Also, yes growing up u will be free. The problem is, the others dunno u have grown up yet, or, they dont want you too. It scares them.
@PerfectStorm426
This anger kinda came outta nowhere but maybe needed to happen, hmm not sure not really in pondering mood my thoughts keep jumping from one thing to the next... I do see how anger is useful though because I was able to be firmly assertive tonight and kinda able to hold my head up high even though work is kinda just like trying to kick my butt well not work in particular but more you know higher ups and plus like seriously I'm like coughing all over the place.. hmm I think I need to stop chatting so much also maybe need to not have energy drinks again lol
@courteousNorth5140
I'm kinda in love with my new shoes and my attitude at the moment, wonder how long it'll last meh not thinking on that right now...
Nope no sleep for Calm tonight I way tooooooo alert,probably a bad combination of alertness fillers plus haha that doesn't even make sense, ummm lost my train of thought, kinda just typing as am right now,,, oh so I gotta work again in just over 6 hours but I'm literally bouncing hyper / still in f!*# it mode.
*Hyper calm hugs* love ya 💖💖
@calmLake1999
Ya know... Your post makes me think of myself, and how I wish I had a drum set and knew how to play it. I think it would be such an excellent way to process feeling anger.
xo
@singercrystalspirit $299.99 kit on misicians friend rite now. Electric but u can hook it up to somethin. Beat the crap outta it singer 😎😎
@PerfectStorm426
Got any ideas to help me stop racking up credit cards, and start making more than I spend? Lol.
@singercrystalspirit
Oooh a drum kit would be pretty awesome, sometimes I play bass to let off steam but kinda can't at the moment cause this place is temporary and lots people around... Oh and I do have like a boxing bag stand thing which is kinda awesome but hmm I'm so odd I feel bad when hitting the thing, like it just feels wrong... I think you should definitely get one though Singer, music is such a great thing and there is something soothing about playing music...
@calmLake1999
@calmLake1999
Ohhh my gosh a punching bag sounds awesome. I definitely used to do kickboxing when I was angry, thanks for reminding me of that. I'll have to sort out the financials and the living situation and then get myself some drums. :)