Hope is that glimmer of light inside of a dark night
So starting fresh, emotions not where i want to be, still not anywhere near where I want to be at the moment, but I kinda miss having a safe place to rant and put my poetry up and even make silly posts. Doubt there will be silly posts anytime soon, but I hope in time. As my title says Hope is that glimmer of light inside of a dark night, that is what I've been trying hard to hold onto, that small glimmer of hope to get me through this, its been difficult, well more than difficult, I have struggled immensely to comprehend anything right now, struggling how I managed to get myself into this situation again. I have been so appreciative of the support I have had during this time. I am in no way near even being anywhere close to where I was just a week and a bit ago, I was so ready to end the chapter of my life where I get hurt, get my power taken away and lose my voice. But in a way I have been heard this time, there are those still taking my choices from me, like not being able to work right now, as frustrated as it makes me feel, as I am feeling and told I am in wrong well not in so many words but still, being told there is a risk if I return to work at this time. Not helpful. Hmm enough ranting about that. There is still physical pain to contend with on top of the emotional pain but somehow I am making it through. My sleep is better but worse if that makes sense, I am sleeping so much the past week but also its not good sleep. My PTSD has been at its height while awake, hypervigilance, flashbacks, irritability, the whole shebang as well as I think my depression is the worse its been in a long time, bad bad thoughts, but I keep on keeping on. Im holding onto the support and care I have recieved this time around. I'll start this new diary off with a poem, the same poem I posted in my feed, its not in anyway good or looking for light, but its a poem reflective of how I feel. I am going to try to stress less about being positive or healing quickly in this new thread. I need to take it one day at a time, well 1 second at a time at the moment, but I am still trying, I am still here so that counts I think. Can't remember what I called this poem?
Broken and vulnerable again,
Old known hurt and pain
New wounds on parts of my soul
A chill in my body from the cold and rain
That night replaying like a horror show
My voice and screams, an unheard no!
A shutting down to protect in ways
A deep upset and broken shame
A fight now taken from my heart
Another fear now of the dark
A chance taken on becoming normal
A stupid decision thats left me vulnerable
A fight I never had the chance to win
And being told it was my sin
So many bruises and cuts to heal
Too many emotions I can feel
A week now has almost passed,
I dont know how I managed to last,
Feels like im barely surviving,
While I randomly begin crying
A bad friend to those who care
A wanting to be able to share,
Scared of seeing others agree
With the thoughts I have of me
I will end this on the hope that one day and hopefully soon, that hope that I hold in my heart for things to be better, for things to stop being this bad, for just a tiny little break from all the bad.. I hope one day this will no longer just be a far fetched idea for myself but something I am able to live and feel the freedom of no longer being harmed or silenced.
Grounding or attempting as bad images and dissociating badly tonight.. gonna write story of how and why I decided to play bass... At 13 I started listening to heavier music, kinda a rebellious thing which made bad people mad but was one thing I deliberately did to annoy people, bad Calm but anyway.. at around 14 I decided I wanted to start a band but didn't have friends so was impossible however I always liked music and at school (when allowed to go) id Play on keyboard and sometimes the acoustic guitar, but I got bored easily and wanted a challenge. My teacher randomly decided one day that I should try the bass, I loved the challenge but then my mum wouldnt let me do the music at school anymore and I was home more often than not... At 15 I got my first job and started saving for a bass guitar, I hid the savings then when I had enough around 16ish I bought the bass... I never had lessons and didn't even know how to play any music on it but I was so excited, it was something I could do for me.. I'm not a great bass player by any means and I self taught.. I was never able to read the music sheets for bass when I would go to library and copy it down but I was determined to play the bass I had bought.. I found the only way I could play and still to this day is how I play was by listening to the music and copying the bass beat.. I got better as the years went on and now when I listen to music I listen first to bass beat and find even when I drive I'll tap fingers on steering wheel along to the bass guitar.. honestly I have no idea if I play the music completely off what the sheet music is or not but I enjoy playing bass most of time.. I used to have an amp and will have to invest in new one but i got really rebellious one day at 18 and had my amp as loud as possible playing the bass and then next day when I had to get out of house for reasons I came home to find the amp was destroyed and in the bin, just grateful my bass didn't get destroyed tbh, surprised it didn't..
Hmm not sure if this even worked with grounding, I still dissociating often, overwhelmed about things and just having bad familiarity feelings and idk a little of dread is sitting in pit of my stomach
@calmLake1999 that is really cool story. Music and playing always is kinda funny for me. If i am in a good mood, it actually adds to it. If i am in a bad mood it helps me cope most times. I think its because when i play all my concentration goes to it. And your entire body is involved.
Who is Calm? This is an exercise to see past the experiences. To see who I am underneath the pain and the hurt and the trauma. I am someone who tries to always be nice to everyone, because i've seen such cruelty, but still believe there is good in everyone. I am someone who cares deeply for others even when it becomes my downfall. I am a non confrontational person. I look for peace and quiet in everywhere i go and I look for beauty in the smallest of things. I am adventurous and like to find new places to explore, the unknown in nature is exciting to me (which is ironic because the unknown in other things scare me). I am looking for freedom. I am that odd person who smiles at randoms, I've done this since I was little, in hopes it will brighten their day. I am someone who will stop and help an injured animal. I try to see the beauty in everything and everyone, when I've seen so much darkness, sadness and cruelty, I've always tried to see the opposite to help balance it out. I relate best to music and always find songs to describe how I am for the day, week or month. I use my poetry to connect to my emotions as I do not know how to investigate my emotions in other ways. I feel things intensely. I always give my 110% in everything i do. I still have a ton of passion burning inside it's just really hidden at the moment, my passions wants me to help other people, who are hurting or to be that kind face, smile or hug for someone (which is why I work in dementia). I have an intense thirst for knowledge and am always researching on random stuff. I find it difficult to hate and I still hold love for my mother . I am someone who will break out into random songs or say something random to bring a smile to someone's face. I was someone who was always on the go, haven't been of late but I will find that again. I connect well with animals and will find a refuel when around animals and nature. I find my calm, sometimes clarity and peace being in nature and on high cliffs, also when in nature I find random things intriguing and like to get closer to edges of cliffs etc. I find my mind does scatter and I can find a million things to talk about. I am a perfectionist with things and I pays attention to all details. My empathy picks up on lots of things and i want to fix things at times, I have a need and want to protect everyone but myself, ironically but this is something I gotta work on. Last interesting thing while thinking of my empathy I came to this conclusion to maybe why i apologise so much even though it's something i been taught i think maybe i also do it because I pick up on when other person who is doing the hurting shows no remorse and instead of walking away from it but sometimes i had no choice because i was littler, I started picking up the remorse they should have shown and put it on myself instead, perhaps to keep the peace because sometimes worse things happen when I fight. I also apologise alot because I sometimes feel inadequate, and have trouble believing that my words don't hurt...
This exercise I started before and was gonna post it earlier but I just made some changes and added things... I might try up the positive thing again I started in my last diary but we will see how it goes. A positive about myself is that no matter how much I hurt right now I still haven't given up the fight. It seems this hurt is fueling the fight in me a little more..
@calmLake1999
Calm those are such great words and I'd just like to sign that, cause this is exactly how I'm seeing you... I'm so glad you wrote that down and I hope you can perhaps come back to this when your bad feelings and thoughts are starting to overtake again... perhaps read it in the morning to start the day with positive thoughts... Love ya Calm *hugs*
@calmLake1999
I love this You are such a beautiful person Thank you for sharing yourself and your loves
Got something that's been bothering me all day, just a thought and feeling about how similar this situation is to past ones and things being quiet at moment,, idk? Wonder if I'm just a little crazy but hmm it's sitting there, feeling trying to telle I am, maybe I am just crazy?
@calmLake1999
sorry 
just had to post that *hugs*
Ok the thing that has been bothering me is still there, it's like a connection or sort of connection idk but I think I might do my own investigation to figure this out because I can't just out and say it without people probably thinking I'm crazy or trying to connect dots where they ought not be connected, it's just gah I feel like it might be something, so I'll be here sporadically until I can try and figure this out a little...I probably should bring this up to someone but I really freaking that maybe I'm finding similarities where there isn't it's just I can't make this thing leave my brain and I won't be able to rest properly without knowing.......
Bad bad bad day!!!! So exhausted and sore but never matters was proud of myself giving me a voice and now it doesn't even matter plus thing I trying to figure out is just looking worse and I haven't let myself sleep properly in days... Will it get better? At the moment I can't see past the physical and emotional pain so idk?!
@calmLake1999
Ok actually gonna amend that, I do matter just that people really prefer to see me as I don't, well I do matter in my eyes so why is that not enough
@calmLake1999
for the right people you are always enough Calm 💖
btw we are the right people 
*hands you some strawberries to go with the cheesecake*
I'm feeling a little lost at moment,,, I got an answer if you will as to why? But his reasoning is messed up and whatever.. is why I felt so down last night everything just felt like it came to am abrupt head and I felt like I hit a brick wall.. I am still really exhausted and just confused but I'll keep fighting this, I won't let these things define me because I am so much more than these bad things that have happened.. it's weird that I always search out for answers but when I get their "answers" as to why I realise that their rationale is completely off.. I'm gonna just try to push past this, I know it's impossible for right now but doesn't mean it will be impossible forever, some things just take time and as long as I take it one step and one hour at a time I should get there eventually right? I keep feeling like I want to get back to being me, but have I ever really known who I really am, maybe that's what this journey is really about, finally being able to find myself.. and I think just because bad things happen it doesn't necessarily mean I'm bad just maybe too easy a target right now, but also with saying that I do have a feeling this is connected with old things, I'm trying to investigate it a little to figure it out but maybe I won't know for sure if it's really connected or not, some people are good at covering their tracks.. anywho lots of rambling and maybe a little of finding some sort of semblance of strength again..
@calmLake1999 go calm go. Sounds like you are getting a handle on things and finding perspective. Very proud of this post. And happy too.
@calmLake1999
just gonna hug you for that post maybe for a day or two *hugs* 😘💖
Still lots of thinking involved, have put a pause on investigating as not feeling 100%, actually quite foggy brained at moment.. I kinda want answers but also know that I will never get answers I need, I'm feeling a little concerned about where this connection thing is leading, it has me feeling apprehensive about how to trust the right people.. along the lines of trying to see myself past the trauma, I think I had it right yesterday when I said I am more, because I really am, these experiences are on those who did these things to me.. and maybe I'm a little stronger this time around because I fought back, I used my voice, I sought help when it was scary to do.. I may have retreated a lot but I think I have give myself where credit is due, I want it to stop and ive been confused as to how to ensure the bad things will stop but I also realise that my best bet is to keep fighting, keep speaking and keep pushing myself.. from hour to hour I feel different, one moment I feel like I'm getting a handle on things and next I wanna throw my hands in the air and say I give up, but I can be stronger, maybe a little at least.. I gotta try this weekend maybe to get back to hiking, physically I haven't been ready or I've been telling myself I'm not but I haven't necessarily been listening to what the doctor has said about how to heal properly, I mean I'm not supposed to be on my phone and supposed to be resting and taking something for pain when it gets too much but I haven't really because I don't know, hmm rambling again lol anywho so my plan is to try and get out for a hike this weekend maybe and hope that next appointment doc will say I've healed a bit more, but is what happens when you get an injury on top of existing injury. It delays healing... Ok I'm rambling lots here, but I think and I was thinking this yesterday but my healing journey is kinda like a huge maze with lots of dead ends, but when I hit that dead end I have to go back in order to find a new way out, I'm far from being out of the maze yet but I'm working on it just gotta temper my impatient with myself and remind me I'm doing the best I can I'm these circumstances
@calmLake1999 you are doing your best with the circumstances. I also believe that youre right in thinking that with every time you challenge yourself some growth results. I guess the trick for us might be in figuring out just how much to push at a time? Or maybe learning to trust (who to trust) to support us during those times when we REALLY have to PUSH harder than we think we can. ❤️ Love you Calm and sending you hugs.
@calmLake1999
that was a really good one Calm, the maze with the dead ends, yeah I think that's how it feels... it's a huge maze we're in, but there's always a way out, most of the time even more than one right way, but well, no shortcuts.... but sometimes we find some people inside the maze who are looking for the same way out, and well, together it's always a bit easier... we're here for you, well, we're here for each other and that's somehow a good feeling 💖 *hugs*
Wish this day would just end already. It's been intense and neverending constant constant overwhelming... I'm tired, fed up and in need of like maybe years of sleep 😢