Gimme some room...
Oh the words are flowing tonight from my finger tips... Trauma support check ins can cause the gears to start turning lol Just needed some WD-40 (I'm southern if that explains my bad joke)
My name, TransparentPuzzle, is specific to only here. It took me awhile to think of it because I like things with deep meaning. This name has a few.
When I created the name, I had a lot going on in my head. My emotions and thoughts were so close to the floor that I could smell my fiancé's dirty socks 24/7. After many attempts at reaching out to therapists and psychiatrists, I deemed myself a puzzle. I love puzzles, because I'm good at figuring them out but I'm the hardest puzzle I've ever worked on. To express that level of difficulty I was feeling and describe how I am as a person, the word transparent came to mind.
Solving a puzzle that has transparent pieces isn't impossible, just extremely difficult. The more pieces there are, the more difficult it is. I had absolutely no clue how many pieces of myself I was missing and had no box to reference, but the longer I'm here with you guys, the more I'm figuring out.
7Cups was that piece of the puzzle for me where, when you find it, the rest of the assembly picks up pace rapidly and it becomes easier.
To feel this becoming easier is just... amazing.
I'm still observing the drop below, just in case... but I'm not worried about falling down again since I have y'all at my finger tips
June 2019, I made the decision to move in with my fiance. With my CPTSD, Depression, Anxiety, OCD and Asperger's, I made it very clear none of my items were to be touched from the day they moved in...
While I was at work one day, they picked the lock to my bedroom, put most of my items in black trash bags and threw them on the curb. While doing this, they went through my items individually and chose what they wanted to keep. My brother manipulated me and stole from me one last time, even when I gave them everything...
They blamed me, said it was my own doing... Saying I used them, all because I forgot to pay him back $10 for buying me a pack of propel even though he stole over $1k worth of items from me.
Looking back, I can see that he is a broken spear and is choosing every day to stay that way... and as much as I want to change that, I can't. My brother is no longer welcome in my life until he decides to change.
As for me? I get to start repairing the damaged he inflicted... Despite all this, though, I choose to be kind every day and make sure everyone I come into contact with knows that they're love and appreciated.
I refuse to be a victim.
I refuse to be a broken spear.
I have 0 energy this morning and don't want to be here at work
but what else can I do? Bills have to be paid so I just have to suffer through
its times like this where I seriously consider applying for disability just so I don't have to work and deal with this feeling
bleh
I spent time throughout the day writing positive affirmations because my mood was absolutely in the toilet and little things were pushing me to the edge of crying. I feel better now, I hate that it took all day and still don't have any energy.
so on my way home from work, I'm gonna stop at the store and get some ice cream and chocolate. Gonna do some self care that includes taking a nice shower bath, a face mask and put my feet up while gaming. Should be a good night
And while they were talking bad about me behind my back and feeling all high and mighty, stroking their ego because they feel like they successfully manipulated me...
I looked them in the eyes, wished them well and hugged them. I think that gave me the ability to move forward because what they said to me hasn't been tormenting my head since that moment...
They'll get the life they deserve, I truly believe that you get back what you put in, and they're using stolen quarters.
It's ok to forget my brother exists, right? He and his girlfriend still tried talking bad about me to my sister (that I'm very close with and she called them out for trying to b.s. her about me)
I highly encourage replies on my journal story. It helps me know I'm not going crazy and helps me feel connected instead of alone in the void
@TransparentPuzzle Hey - How are you?
You're not crazy - I can understand feeling like you're in the void. I kind of tend to keep to the void lol- seems better that way most days. But its not really healthy all the time so - I may invade your space now and again - if anxiety let's me. Just to let you know that you are heard :)
